Breaks in relationships?

[diana084]

My bf's been telling me that he's having a lot of personal problems that he needs to fix,his family getting their nose into his personal life,treating him like a child,he needs to get a new job,he needs to leave his house,etc.He has also told me that he doesnt know if I'm the one person he'll be with always.I never asked him to tell me that,I myself dont know if he's the one yet he says that I've showed him that in some ways.He says he cant think about marriage or engagement or anything like that until he's done with school,at least 3-4 years from now.Which makes me think that I've somehow been talking about that way more than I should have.He also told me that he feels our relationship is getting too serious and he is kind of scared.He has doubts basically.Ok,so whats left for me to do? I love him deeply and I know that I want to be with him.Just last week I made a huge sacrifice to go see him (he's 4 hours away from me right now) and now he tells me all this.

In a way I feel sad cause I feel like I know what I want and he's not sure yet.I know he loves me and he tells me that he wants to be with me yet he's having a lot of things going on right now and he's been feeling bad lately and he needs to sort everything out.He says 'we're going to go through this' but I dont know.

Another thing is,I'm his first real relationship cause he never had a gf before,just random girls.He always told me he didnt want to be with anyone cause he was scared of getting attached to someone so maybe thats whats happening now with me.I was thinking on giving him a break,not only for him but also for me.I dont wanna get even more attached to him cause I'm scared of getting hurt,but I have mixed feelings about the 'getting a break' thing.If I back off a little bit,do you think it'd be all right? what do you think its the best way to go about this?

Thanks in advance.

[goddess23]

hey. okay, in GENERAL, im not a big believer in the on and off relationship, but one break isnt a big deal, and this one needs it. he needs to realize that he would lose alot if he loses you. but honestly i wouldnt hold on too hard, he seems to not be ready for this, and if it doesnt work out, just realize that thers a big chance in this break that it could soon end. maybe you will realize something maybe him, maybe both of you. you guys need to take a full break, not a break where you guys are still technically together. it just wont give the full effect, like not like you cant talk or anything, but you'll become friends. and honestly if the break lasts a while, you both should explore other relationships and see if you both really want what you have now. this break is a good idea, and it seems like truly you have no choice right now. its not the end though, just keep in mind that it may not ever be the same again. but definitely dont put up a fight for this break, let him believe that you think its a good idea too, that you need a few answeres answered as well.

[aschoom]

I know how you feel. I really do. My ex broke up with me (3 times) because he said that he needed to focus on school and would continue to hurt me if we stayed in the relationship because his priority wouldn't be me. It hurts so much that someone could be sweet and affectionate just one day before they break up with you...and they just want to be friends? Everything is temporary. Remember that. Whats meant to be will fall through. If he has issues he needs to fix, your forcing him to stay will only make things worse and push him away. Give him his space and allow this break to happen. In the meantime, focus on yourself and doing things that make YOU happy. Don't wait around for him because it will just make you think about the relationship all the time. Just take whatever comes your way....and learn from everything. I've been trying to meet new people (FRIENDS--not boyfriends) and do new activities that wouldn't remind me so much about what I don't have anymore. I have found that meeting new friends allows me to remember who I used to be when people ask about me and my interests. Its like rediscovering myself. Take care...sometimes breaks are good ways to put things in perspective..good luck!

[diana084]

We have talked about breaks before and he always says that he wouldnt like that,that he doesnt think its a good idea cause he wouldnt like risk losing me so I dont know.I mean,he's the one scare of that yet he's the one to tell me he has doubts and insecurities and all that bull,not me what else am I supposed to do? wait for him to figure out what he wants while just make it look like everything is ok when I know its not? Maybe I've been a little too pushy and needy and I accept it,I dont want to scare him off so I'm going to back off a little bit.I'll talk to him and see what happens but for now on I'm gonna wait for him to call me.

[SteveNaive]

Hey Diana...really sorry to hear your story. I know how breaks can get to you, just came out of a break(-up) myself...well...we didn't quite survive the break. I just want to say that I wish you all the best, you gotta be real strong to pull through.

Your doing the right thing when you wait for him to call you. I guess he has got to figure out his stuff....still, in a way I think you should not do this to your partner...but who am I?!

[diana084]

Well we havent talked in 2 days (since he told me that) and we decided that we werent going to talk as much as we used to cause he needs more space and I dont want to suffocate him.It was yesterday that I was thinking about the break thing but I havent told him yet.I've been honestly waiting for him to contact me,I dont wanna play hard to get but since he's the one who needs to figure out what he wants then let him call me when he wants to talk to me.So I got an e-mail from him this morning in which he was telling me that he had a very bad headache so he had to got back from classes this morning and that he was basically writing to me to tell me that he misses me very much and he needed me a lot yesterday and that he loves me.And I just got online and he's there and by his screen name I know he's thinking about me and he's looking for me but I'm not going to talk to him over the internet.He'll call if he really misses me as much as he says.So then we'll see....who can really understand men?

[cassiana]

Okay. I think you should grant him his break but remain on friendly terms. Do not stay at home waiting for him to come back. Go out make new friends, take up new hobbies and do some casual datinig. Chances are he will be impressed by what an independent desirable woman you are and worry that he's let a good thing go. When he does contact you be pleasant but hold back. Don't tell him all your secrets, maintain an air of mystery (even if you have nothing to be mysterious about). Never be in on a Saturday night, even if you are hiding in the bedroom with the phone off the hook. Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen, if only I had believed my mother. If you look over some of my old mails I have told of how this worked for a few friends of mine. I'm trying it myself now. My ex was so sweet I thought I didn't have to play games, that's why he is my ex. If he does come back don't take him back immediately and keep him in a little doubt. Tell me how it works out.

[diana084]

So last night he called (like I was expecting him to) and we talked and I told him that I thought it was a good idea to keep no contact for a while to have time for both of us to think things through.He was hesitant about it,asking me if I thought that could help and I said yes.He then told me 'I dont guarantee I'm going to last much,no more than a week perhaps' and I said how do you know and he said 'cause it had been only two days since we talked and I was dying to talk to you' well,I said 'you were the one who came here telling me you had doubts and stuff,not me,you told me all those things a few days ago and 2 days later you call me to tell me you miss me terribly,who understands you?' and he didnt say anything.

So here we go.I'm really going to try to keep myself as busy as possible and I'll call one of my friends to see if we can go out or something cause I havent seen them in a long time.

I do hope he realizes he loves me for real and wants to be with me but if not then theres nothing I can do.Everything happens for a reason I guess.Thank you everyone for your replies.

[cassiana]

It sounds like you are in a strong position. Keep cool, be friendly and cool with him, keep him guessing, doubting. Good luck.

[SteveNaive]

Wow...I wish I had been as strong a couple of months ago. Way to go, Diana! I think you really said and did the right things to him. Stay strong, stay busy and above all stay calm... Things will eventually work out...one way or another...Good Luck!!!