Is this guy gay? And do you think he likes me?

[usc823]

Well, I am stuck... again... I was COMPLETELY convinced earlier that this guy (he is my best friends brother) liked me, but now i'm only like 80% sure. I am 17, and gay (or bi, i don't know) and I am absolutely HEAD OVER HEELS and back again in love with another boy. And I think he likes me too. I think I am over-examining the negatives in this situation:

 

I think he likes me because we, in pretty much every definition, are a couple. We don't walk around holding hands and kissing or anything (I wish), but we do stay very close to each other and talk quietly. Whenever we are talking he touches me a lot (on the arm or back or something). He also looks in my eyes a lot and smiles (like a real smile with a sparkle in his eyes). He sometimes comes up behind me and puts his arm around my shoulder or his hand on it. We also brush up against each other a lot without really caring. The biggest reason I would say is that we always say "I love you" to each other. I said it too him first, about a year ago, and he said it back (although a bit nervously). Ever since then we have grown closer together and done more together. He says I love you a lot more than me, I am afraid to say it back to whole heartedly because his brother is always in the room with us. A few times his brother has said like "no you don't" and then he said "well I do, like a brother". But he seems to tall me I love you more than a guy friend would. I mean sometimes he hugs me while saying it, other times it's quick when I am walking out the door. I think he threw in the like a brother to get his brother off his case. One time we were out with his whole family, and we went to a fast food restaurant. When they sat at a four person table, I had to sit at the one directly next too it. He then came and joined me saying that he didn't want me to be alone.

 

Now the reasons I think me may possibly not like me. He is a die hard Christian. I mean, I am also a christian, but I am not too the extent he is. He is such a goody-goody that he didn't want to sneak a soda into the theater because it was "against the rules". So I think that he wouldn't be so up front with me if he was truly feeling for me because he would be in denial. Another reason is that everyone thinks he likes my sister, which worries me sometimes. I mean, he is nice to her, but he is nice to everyone. He is in her class in school and hangs around with her a lot. He doesn't have many friends and most of his guy friends are not really good friends. My sister and her group are nice to him so I guess that's why he hangs with them. He also asks me if she is going to be there when we hang out sometimes (like when we are going to play basketball). But then when she is there he pretty much ignores her and sticks to me the whole time. Like this weekend our families were planning a cookout, and he kept asking if my whole family was coming up. I took this as he wanted her to come up, but like always when she was there he ignored her and stuck with me. We went swimming and he kept near me in the pool, occasionally touching me and even grabbing my *** at one point. I was completely convinced when we came home last night to say the least. But then today he texted her saying "glad you could come up", but didn't text me. I mean, he doesn't text me much, but he texts me more than her. Or today she updated her Facebook saying that she was sick and he said "hope you feel better" which could just be him being a good friend, idk. Maybe he feels like I am out of reach when I am not there. Maybe he feels like if he flirts with me over text/facebook he will scare me off, which is why I don't message him much. But sometimes he just messages me for no reason, like one time he messaged me on Facebook in the middle of the night to tell me that they were back from vacation.

Another reason I think he may not like me, though, is because he doesn't always hang with me when he has the opportunity. Like sometimes when I am at their house he will go in the other room, or the other day I tried to get him and his brother to go hang out with me at the mall and he didn't come. Maybe it's because he thinks that I want to spend time with his brother IDK.

 

Sorry about long post, just let me know what you think

[TwilightLurker]

First of all, you say you don't know whether you're gay or bi. Keep in mind he could be bi, just like you might be, and it could also be that he likes your sister as well as you. Assuming that's correct for the moment, and considering he's a devout Christian, in his mind, despite being attracted to both genders, he actually has only one choice that he can make, and that choice is to follow a heterosexual lifestyle. He may allow himself to give into his "urges" now and again by touching you and saying overly affectionate things to you, but ultimately, his religion will prevent him from going any further.

 

Alternatively, he may just like your sister as a friend though and enjoy seeing her/talking to her, or he is using her to deflect suspicions surrounding his sexual orientation.

 

What strikes me as being unusual is how he just openly comes out and tells you that he loves you. It's not common for a straight guy to tell another guy "I love you... like a brother". The "like a brother" part seems added out of fear. If he's fearful though, I don't know why he would tell you that he loves you. I would think his fear would prevent him from being so transparent with his feelings.

 

Based on what you've typed, I would say that there's a better chance that he's attracted to you than not, but I'm obviously basing that opinion on very little. You've asked the questions, and you're feelings are strong, so now, what do you want to do? Do you want to maintain what you have with this guy and not risk an upset of some sort, or do you want to take action and find out if he is gay or bi?

[usc823]

I can see him possibly being bisexual, but the thing is that he seems to show no interest in my sister besides talking to her some in person and occasionally commenting/liking her posts on Facebook. For me it's pretty much the opposite, he is all over me in person and is really flirty and sweet. But on Facebook he is very quiet. Like he barley ever comments or likes my statuses and when we chat he is pretty brief. Now that may be because he is generally not a very talkative person. I personally believe that he is afraid that if he says something wrong he will scare me off and not be there to cover it up. Like when we are together in person if either of us say something that seems "too far" we can say like JK, maybe he feels like if he says to much he will scare me.

[TwilightLurker]

That's certainly one possible explanation for his behavior. I was going to suggest that maybe, he's not gay and just really comfortable with his sexuality and that might explain his behavior around you, but the distance he keeps on Facebook seems intentional and calculated, suggesting that he may be worried about what you might think should he say something that could be taken one way or another.

 

Your best bet right now might be to just work on deepening the friendship you have with him. The more he feels he can trust and confide in you, the greater the chance he might reveal something to you, if there is anything to reveal, that is. Sometimes, you may need to try and help him to explore his inner feelings, carefully and gently of course, like if there ever comes a time where he seems uneasy after saying or doing something around you. This can help to further demonstrate how much you care for him as well as potentially unearth some feelings or thoughts that you didn't know or only suspected were there.

[usc823]

Yea, you have to understand this guy. He is not a very confident person, like in real life, unless he knows someone pretty well, he is really quiet and shy. At school all the teachers think he is a dream because he causes no trouble in class and gets good grades. He is the opposite around me though, really loud and obnoxious. He seems like he is trying to show off in front of me and trying to impress me. Maybe he is just, like you said, unsure of how something would come accross on facebook so he doesn't talk much. I have had some pretty good chats with him, but most of the time its pretty simple one or two word answers I get out of him. Like I said in the OP, one time he messaged me in the middle of the night saying that they were home from vacation. Another time we had a smiley "dual" where we were both trying out smiles on each other, and the first one he tried was the kissing face. IDK if he meant to do that one in particular, but it's not like it's easy to do. And when he says "I love you" it's not usually with the "like a brother". The one time he said that was when his brother was in the room with us and when he told me "i love you" he told him "no you don't" (he's a homophobe and barley puts up with our "gayness"). He then said, "yes I do, like a brother". I think he just said that for Stephen's (his brother) sake, shutting him up. Usually when he says I love you he throws something extra in to be sure that I heard him. Like sometimes he says it again if i don't reply immediately (when Stephen is in the room), other times he will be like "I guess you don't love me back". Sometimes he is just like "love you" when I am going out the door. And then another thing is that he always asks me to stay when I say I have to go home. Like usually he is like "you don't have to go" or "why do you have to leave". The other day when we left after the cookout he told me (while standing on the porch alone with me) that he wished I could stay. And he tells me all the time I a m welcome at their house whenever I want while looking at me with a cute look on his face. He has also made a joke about my sleeping with him. One time we were trying to figure out where I was going to sleep at their house and he raised and eyebrow and said "you could sleep with me" and grinned. IDK what that means but... I guess that we are kind of obvious too, I mean Stephen gives us crap all the time (or me crap all the time) about it. Like he will make comments that make it seem like he knows. Or one time he told me that his dad was like, "is there something weird going on with those two?" I suppose we cannot hide it, his mom went to psychology school and used to be a shrink.

[usc823]

Or like just now I had a 3 message conversation with him on Facebook, about 2 minutes and he suddenly signed off. What's that about?

[anongirlie]

well that happens alot...shouldnt take it personally unless if he said something that was personal in the 3 message conversation....wat did u say and wat did he say

[usc823]

It was like

me: "hey"

him

me starts tomorrow, right?"

him

me pumped?"

him bit"

 

and then he jet got off, conversations happen like this all the time. He is really a shy person, and I think that maybe he feels like he is just imagining that I like him and that on Facebook he is ring to scare me away or something. He is SUPER talkative and flirty with me in person, but online he is really dry...

[TwilightLurker]

Do you think maybe he thinks it's a game? You were the first one to say, "I love you" and perhaps he gets a kick out of going back and forth with you with the "I love yous" and maybe he finds it all to be a funny routine. Him saying that you could sleep with him particularly sounds like a joke rather than a sincere offer. Could be he's just fooling around with you and could be he thinks your just fooling around with him.

[usc823]

Do you think maybe he thinks it's a game? You were the first one to say, "I love you" and perhaps he gets a kick out of going back and forth with you with the "I love yous" and maybe he finds it all to be a funny routine. Him saying that you could sleep with him particularly sounds like a joke rather than a sincere offer. Could be he's just fooling around with you and could be he thinks your just fooling around with him.

 

I don't think so. He is not the tie to play games like this. Like I said, he is a really shy person, so he wouldn't really be confident enough to risk upsetting me. Plus he is REALLY nice to everybody and never does anything mean to anyone. And the way he acts is just to sincere to be a game.

[TwilightLurker]

Shy to those that he doesn't know well. He's comfortable and open around you though, so maybe he feels safe in kidding with you. To throw around "I love you" so casually like that doesn't seem natural and genuine.

[usc823]

Well it seems like whenever he says I love you e is being sincere. I mean he doesn't say it so much that I get accustomed to it, it still surprises me and makes me feel all gooey inside when he says it. And it's not just the "I love you"'s that make me think he likes me. Like I said, he hangs all over me, smiles lovingly, looks me in they eyes, etc. I just FEEL like we are a couple, and I think that it is kind of obvious. I think that maybe he hold back sometimes when we are in front of his brother because he gives us crap all the time. I mean, it's mainly focused at me, but I don't know what he he says to him when I am not around. I mean, when we are (rarely) alone he is pretty sweet (I mean sweeter than normal). He is a lot more touchy feely than normal. Like even in public, one time we went to Kohls (the three of us) and when his brother told us to piss off because he wanted to look without us following him around we walked around together. He was really close to me the whole time and one time he was in front of me and grinned and put on a fedora and proceeded to dance like MJ. He then ran off and hid behind a wall, and when I came around the corner (knowing that he was there) he popped out and pretended to scare me, right before slapping my ass. And that kind of stuff happens all the time. It was just really sweet. He also called stuff cute with me all the time. Like just stuff around the house that is smaller than normal. And then the other day he was like, "this is cute... just like (item I can't remember)" showing that he thinks about stuff I have called cute in the past. And the conversations on the net are not always like that, we have had some long ones, and ones he has initiated for no apparent reason. One time we even exchanged smileys for like 20 mins, and the first one he did was the kiss face. And his personality is not that of kidding around. He is really no nonsense and apologizes for the simplest things. He never kids around, and when he does he either a) makes it 100% obvious that he kidding, or b) apologizes for it a minute later.

[TwilightLurker]

In some respects, I'd attribute his behavior around you to that of a younger brother. I wonder if his relationship with his brother has anything at all to do with how he acts around and toward you. Perhaps you are the brother he wishes he had? It sounds like you treat him better and the two of you have more fun together than when he's just with his brother. If that's the case, there's nothing sexual involved in his feelings towards you, but in fact, it really is more like brotherly love despite you not being his actual brother.

 

Why are you guys rarely alone? Is there a way you could start spending some more one on one time with him? For your friendship to develop, it needs to be nurtured and explored, and when others are around, that's something that can't be done as well. Spend a day together doing the things the two of you enjoy, pop in a video game, play a game of truth or dare or something and see how he behaves. Show as much interest in him as he shows in you and see where it all leads, and see how far he takes it with you.

[anongirlie]

you should definitely need to play truth or dare...wow isnt that a naughty game...definitely see how far he takes it with you. Or you can take it far with him but not to far...dont go jumping on him saying i dare you to kiss...give it a while lol. dont hesitate if he says i dare you to kiss me...because it might seem scary when he says it but just do it if you want him bad. Dont think "o is he joking" just do it!

[TwilightLurker]

Yeah, if you go the truth and dare route, number one, make sure it's just the two of you with no chance of interruptions, and number two, lead up to it! Don't dare him to strip or anything the first or second time! I definitely agree about the kissing... if you happen to get a very bad or unexpected reaction from him, you at least can say, "hey, it's just a game!".

[anongirlie]

yea say i something like " im very serious about this game, i follow the rules!"

[LeoDio1]

Please keep us updated on this story between you guys. I think what you two have is honestly really sweet and from the way your putting the way he reacts around you he may just like so i'm with you i think it's an 80% chance he likes you. And you should really consider playing that truth or dare game with him. Please just keep us updated. Good Luck!

[anongirlie]

is there any updates!!?!!?

[CaliJess02]

This store is EXTREMELY familiar with the situation that's going on with me at the moment. Allow me to explain my side, then we can compare scenarios and see where it'll lead. (it'll be a bit)

 

I'm a very masc openly gay man at my workplace ( a lot of co worker buddies, but no friends outside the workplace and if i did, they're women), and just recently (around December), we've received new employee transfers, one we'll call "Dave".

 

Let's talk about Dave for a bit. At first glance, you'd think he'd be gay. He dresses very clean, uses effeminate products in his hair, loves to wear V necks, smiles a lot, and has gay-like tendencies and habits. Even to the extent that his entire life, he's been ridiculed for being a homosexual just by people's first glance. Of course, I know fully-well that what you perceive people as from looks alone means NOTHING (seeing is how I dress/act/talk as straight as can be.)

 

Up until May, Dave had no idea I was gay. Shortly around May, he had proposed to his girlfriend of 2 years (the relationship of theirs is nearly sexless, says he prefer a relationship of loving one's companionship rather than sex). A few weeks afterward, one of my co-workers thought it would be funny to tell Dave that I was an open homosexual, thinking that he would ridicule me along with the other guys (.... yeah, thats my co work-relationship with the guys... lol.)

 

Not long after that, I began to notice instances where he would approach me with small talk, mostly about things I like to do, what I do, where I do, etc... He had asked if I joined a gym ( I paid $500 for 3 years, but a monthly subscription is $50 a month!), then low and behold, days later, he signed him and his fiance up at that same gym ($100 a MONTH, mind you, its a minimum wage job we work). Afterwards, we began to work out the first three months, but it was mainly just chit chat here and there rather than working out. Afterwards, we began to hit the movies up alot,head over to his place to hang out, go to the beach (in which he offered to rub my back for sun tan lotion, then asked me to give him a full back massage when we got back, LOL), even the extent of visiting his parents house to hang out there (of course the fiance was there as well) all within a 2 month period. Just after 3 weeks of hanging out, we've even talked about getting an apartment with his fiance and moving in together (He lives with his fiance, and their house smells like feet... and ***.... and if feet had asses, it'd smell like that too...)

 

We go to lunch together everyday, and he enjoys my company A LOT. In fact, there are times where he'll ask me if I'll miss him when he leaves off for a vacation with the family. From here, it just seems like a very close-knit friendship (... and only in 2 months time. Fast...) He'll even come to my workplace to visit me while he's out doing his errands for his girlfriends mother.

 

However, in the workplace, when you see a "suspected" homosexual begin hanging out with an OPEN gay, the rumors begin. Even fully knowing what people are saying, he still continues to pursue our friendship openly at work. I'm 23 years old, and my 6 years of working in 2 different jobs being open, I have NEVER encountered a heterosexual that was so determined to pursue a friendship with an open gay man. It almost shed a tear in my eye.... ALMOST, haha. Every heterosexual that I have ever encountered fears of being ridiculed by others for wanting to hang around me, but Dave doesn't care.

 

I also found out something about his past. Just recently, around December of last year 2010, he was friends with another openly gay man since middle school. (And he was effeminate as effeminate can be). He spoke of an instance with them when they spent the night together in the same bed (since he's says hes secure enough to share a bed with another guy), that his gay friend offered to cuddle with him. He says he declined, and this conversation about their encounter came RIGHT out of the blue, out of nowhere. I find out that his friend from middle school began to develop feelings for him, then ended the friendship because he couldn't handle the stress and emotional trauma. I never asked him any specifics.. so i left it at that. He's only had gay friends as friends, in fact, I had just discovered another one just recently.

 

Also, I learned from his fiance, that when they first met, that she was the one that pursued him into a relationship. She's the one that gave him her number and things went on from there... I took it as a sign of him being shy but I had confirmed with him that he had no interest in her at first.

 

We're in August of 2011 and its month 3, and the situation is pretty laid out up to this point. A few major updates was a situation where he confronted me about transferring over to Hawaii (We live in California) and asking if I would move with him along with his fiance. Also, we're planning a 3 day Las Vegas trip with me, him, and his girlfriend (He wants his girlfriend to bring a friend so SHE doesnt feel left out...)

 

My main question is... what does a straight guy benefit from having a friendship with a gay guy? Out of a store of 140 employees, why pursue a friendship with me so relentlessly? Even full well knowing that people whom already suspect you for being gay would even MORE likely to suspect you knowing that you approach me often. What do they have to gain from this? Ive come up with theories (mainly that its a closet case and he's either stringing me along with his fiance?

 

All that above was from a previous post I had posted on that site and the scenarios are VERY similar to yours. We always go to lunch together, he looks at me in the eyes and smiles, always wanting to be around me, and even missing the part where we swam and were shirtless in the suanas at the gym.

[michaeloetgen]

maybe all those times he flirts with you is when hes built up enough courage to do so but he asks you about your sister to cover it up. if he touches your butt and sticks to you so much he might be gay or just curious. You say you love each other and so he most likely is. Ask him out or just ask if he likes you "that way" and if he says yes ask him out haha. Good luck and i hope it goes good for you.

[usc823]

Hey everyone, sorry it's been so long since my last reply. I update some forums and miss others, and for that I am terribly sorry. I don't know what is going on at this point. He is still giving me mixed signals, but now more than ever it seems. On one side I feel closer to him than ever. We still have the usual touching and smiling like always. Since we started school this year we have the same lunch hour together. I don't sit with him just because 1) I have my friends I have always sat with since the beginning of time (including his brother) and 2) It would be obvious that we were together if we were to sit together. We are in different social groups and people would know something is up. He does stuff like when I am leaving he still acts depressed, or says stuff like, "aww do you have to go?", sometimes calling me by some cute nickname. Or like the other night when I was leaving and I went out into the hall to tell him bye he put his arm around my waist and I out mine around his and we walked down the hall together. When we got to the end it was like neither of us wanted to separate, like we both didn't want to let go. Then as I was walking out the door he told me to wait, and then he went and grabbed a photo album to show me baby pictures for some reason (he was a cute baby too). While he was doing this he was standing really close to me. I also made a scene while I was leaving and when I was shutting the door I turned around and stuck my head in and grinned at him, and he grinned back. So yea, I feel closer to him than ever, I just don't want to be apart from him...

 

Now I also feel distant in some aspects. One is that my sister still feels like a obstacle that is in the way of victory. I feel like she is probably his "gay friend" but I'm not sure. Like the other night he texted her for some help on a math problem, and while he was doing so he was really expressive. Like he put exclamation marks on sentences and even used a smiley. He rarely does that with me. Also I found out that at our last football game he and another guy friend were talking with her and they were discussing the boys that My sister likes (including the other guy). Well, after they said "you should go with xxx" he was like "why don't you pick me?" in a sarcastic manner. This worries me in some ways, but not in others. I can pretty much figure out how he would have said it, and more than likely he was trying to be funny seeing that he was the only guy not included in the list. But idk. Also, I was able to come during the 4th quarter of the game and sit with his brother. He was there at first and was rally sweet, asking if I was tired from work and smiling at me. But then after about 10 minutes he got up and went to talk to his friends (I think including my sister) and didn't come back till close to the end of the game. I can't blame him for wanting to hang out with his friends, but I wish he had stayed. Maybe he thought we wanted to be alone, idk. But, after the same game I walked to their car with them and when I was saying bye he put his arm on my back and left it there for a while. Also, he seems to need to be "warmed up" to me. Like when I see him at first he is really nice to me, but seems timid or nonchalant. Like sometimes when I see him at school he will call out my name and smile, other times he will ignore me, but IDK if in these instances he even saw me. Like the other day I saw him walking in front of me and called out to him, and he turned around and smiled, and then walked with me. But then today, we had a fire drill, and he was like 10 feet from me and didn't even acknowledge me until we were going back in the school. He was with a group of friends, so maybe he didn't want them o get any bright ideas. I was somewhat comforted because when we were walking back in he ditched them and walked with me.

 

IDK what to think. I really, really, really like him and I want to be with him forever. I think maybe the thought of being gay forever, or the rejection he/we would face by our families is getting to him. He may be unsure of what he wants, or what I want for that matter. I can be kind of dismissive of him sometimes when I am trying to cover up my "gayness". He also may be trying to reject it because of being a Christian and when he does show me affection it's the part thats bleeding through uncontrollably. IDK, but whatever the answer I need to find it soon or I am going to lose it...

[TwilightLurker]

Setting the question of whether he's gay or not aside for the moment, is there any particular reason you need to know? You've got what sounds like a pretty healthy and fun friendship, so why not simply enjoy what you've got with him for the time being? You're seventeen, so you're pretty close to finishing up high school, I assume. The optimal situation, I believe, would be if the two of you ended up going to the same college and perhaps even sharing a dorm room. You'd both be away from your families, you'd both be away from your groups, and college students aren't typically as close-minded and gossipy as high school students, so it's during college many guys and girls tend to come out, just because it's usually a more positive, open environment. If he feels anything for you beyond friendship, then he's likely to be more open with those feelings on a college campus.

[usc823]

I mean I do need to know because I do not want to ruin the friendship we have if he isn't gay. I know, "if he can't accept you then he isn't a good friend", but his religious background would pretty much guarantee that he would not accept me. I do feel kinda strange right now though. He sat at lunch with my sisters group today for a little while, which is something I have not seen him do before. Now, normally I would attribute this to him liking her, but the entire table is girls. So you got my guy, who is pretty feminine in his mannerisms, sitting at a table with all girls, and not even next to my sister. IDK what to think, weather or not this is a sign of liking her or being gay. It seems like a 50/50 chance he likes her as a friend or "likes" her. He is nice to her and talks to her, but, as I have said 1,000,000 times ignores her when she is hanging out with us. And it's not as simple as going to college next year, rooming together, and living happily ever after. There is an age gap of 3 years between us. I am 18 and he is 15, so it will be a little while till we both would be in the same college.

[brueges]

Does he know you're gay? Have you given him any signs except for being receptive to some touching? Do you openly talk about girls in front of him? He'd have to know you're gay and that you'd be safe for him to feel comfortable pushing it farther. You should just hang out with him alone sometime.

[usc823]

Does he know you're gay? Have you given him any signs except for being receptive to some touching? Do you openly talk about girls in front of him? He'd have to know you're gay and that you'd be safe for him to feel comfortable pushing it farther. You should just hang out with him alone sometime.

 

I don't really give him any signs, no. I am really touch feely with him, and I smile sweetly with him and all. I act like we are together when we are together, lol. I don't talk about girls in front of him, nor him me. And I know I need to spend more time with him alone, that's just difficult b/c I'm supposed to be his brothers best friend. Sure, everyone knows we are friends too, but they have NO idea how serious it is...

 

But in all seriousness I feel pretty good about the whole situation right now. The other night I met them at our school football game and he seemed really excited to see me. He said to his friends "hey, i'm gonna go sit with him" and walked away with me. He was just really smiley the whole time (not too long b/c I got there late after work) and very chatty with me. He walked so close we were constantly bumping into each other. And here's the killer, we were walking down the hall in the school after the game (we helped the pep band pack up) and he walked really close to me and i put my arm around his shoulder and he kinda held his hand up and i took it and we were walking down the hall holding hands for a minute. It felt really good! Plus he has been really sweet the past two days at school. Like yesterday he came up to me after lunch and complemented my shoes (he liked them b/c they were our college team's color). Plus last night I went to a friends house with them to watch another football game (we like football, a lot...) and he was really sweet with me during the game. He sat next to me on the couch, and we were a lot closer to each other than anyone else. He was also really smiley and such.

 

The things that still bother me are that 1. he texted my sister a lot during the game the other night. But probably b/c she was not feeling well and he was keeping her updated on what was happening. 2. he is still a lot more chatty with her on text/im than he is with me. He will use punctuation with her (! and suck) to show emotion, but he is kinda dry with me. Like sometimes he is more lively and will use smileys (which happens kinda frequently) and other times he is just quiet. I think it may be because he is still nervous around me but IDK.