Spoke to the ex g/f this morning. Was it right?

[jimb2k]

Hi everyone,

 

If you haven't read my previous posts here's a little info about my situation.

 

Me and my girlfriend broke-up 4 weeks ago. We were together for almost 2 years. The first week after the break-up I was frantically trying to resolve our differences. I contacted her 5-6 times trying to get it back together. She just kept saying it was too late and that she loved me and cared for me but she was not in love with me. She said she needed her space to be alone and that she doesn't want a relationship right now. She also said she is not interested in anybody else (which I believe 99.9%).

 

Anyway............

 

I haven't contacted her in 18 days as with what she had been saying during the first week of the break-up when I was contacting her I felt it was best to back off. Within that time she has contacted me on a couple of occasions to arrange paying of a bill she is due on my credit card. She then came round to give me the money last Friday. I also saw her when I was out clubbing with friends on Sunday. We spoke for around 5 mins before going our separate ways.

 

This morning however, I woke up and thought I would send her a text message just to say Hi, how are you? Nothing to heavy or pressurising. She replied within 2 minutes saying I am fine, how are you? I told her I was doing great. I then asked her if she was out clubbing last night strutting her stuff on the dancefloor (I put it accross in a humurous and friendly way). She again repied within 2-3 minutes saying no she wasn't out last night as she has started a new part time night job at the local bar where her dad lives. She then asked if I was out last night. I replied no as I was saving my money to go out on Sunday night. I told her I was off work on Monday and I congratulated her on getting the new job. She again replied within 2 minutes asking why I was off on Monday. Before I could reply my mobile rang. It was her. I answered and she said hello, I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you. I just sent a text to you but I haven't got the confirmation report to say it was delivered. I told her that it had come through and I was just about to reply. We started chatting away, nice and friendly, how are you?, what have you been up to?

 

She said that it was strange how things have worked out. I said that if this is the way it's meant to be then we have to let it be. She replied saying, well whats for you will not go by you. I agreed with her. She then said she had been thinking about me the other day while at work and that she can't bear to sit in the house herself so she is trying to keep herself busy. She has got herself this new part time night job, which she started last night and she is working tonight. She then said that she will probably be out on Sunday so she may see me if she is. She asked if I had been out on any hot dates yet, which she also asked me last Friday when she came round with the money. I laughed and said no, not yet. She then said she was only winding me up. But why ask that question if it doesn't bother you? I then said that I'd better go and let you get on with whatever you're doing today, she said ok I'll speak to you later. I have made the contact this time but I have put the ball back in her court as before I hung up I said to her to just give me a call when she gets the remaining £50.00 to pay this credit card bill. She replied ok, I don't know exactly when that will be but I'll try and get it a.s.a.p. And that was that.

 

I kept the conversation light and cheery. Very friendly, but not sickly friendly. It lasted about 10 minutes and I was the one who finished the call. (which, I have been advised is the best thing to do as it shows you are in control of the situation. If you let the other person decide when the call is going to finish they then think they have the power over you).

 

When the call finished I smiled to myself as she said she had thought about me and that she had to keep herself busy to keep her mind of things. This made me feel a wee bit better about the situation. Also, she asked me if I had had any hot dates yet. The only reasons I can think why someone would ask that question is because it bothers them and they are curious. She says she was only winding me up but I think that was just an excuse.

 

With the things she said on the phone it makes me think that deep down inside she still loves me and she still has feelings for me but at the moment she needs her space and time alone to sort herself out. What do you guys think? Any advice or feedback would be most appreciated.

 

You can read my last two posts to get a better picture of the break-up. They are titled I need of some advice on my breakup with my girlfriend and What do I do now? they are quite long posts but please take the time to read them fully.

 

Thank you.

[Idontwanttohavetoregister]

Couple things i would say:

 

Number one, much love for you man, been in the same situation and it's not fun.

 

Number two, the one thing no one wants to hear but is true is this: TIME ... time will tell if she loves you or not. Love is great like that cause if it's fake or built on the wrong thing it just doesn't work. Obviously you still have feelings for her, if she still has them for you time will tell her that.

 

Number three, don't necessarily think this is the end. Normally the question i ask my friends when they first tell me they're thinking about marrying a girl is this, "Have you broken up yet?" It's obvious you two have been together a long time and have a great history, maybe it's just her way of panicing or needing to figure some stuff out. But don't smother her. Backing off was a wise move- many a man has shot himself in the foot with what he's said AFTER the break up.

 

Number four, don't confuse her comments or questions with "i still love you" if she wants you to know ... trust me you'll know.... however she probably is having a hard time with the situation... i mean two years. NOt to mention chances are you are her clossest friend even if you aren't dating any more so it's natural she wants to talk about her struggle over her own feelings with you. As for the "are you dating"..... think of that as her asking if "is this as hard for you as it is for me." No one likes for themselves to have a hard time over the situation while thier "ex" seems totally cool. It's more of a question about herself than it is about your availability.

 

Number five, please don't beat yourself up about this or totally analyze every move she makes. It's cool to want her back... but a break up is a break up..... meaning things aren't going to be the same.... so don't be talking to her as much as you did in the relationship. No matter how much you worry chances are she wont be married tomorrow.... nor will you (unless you have one too many at the pub and wake up next to a stranger)

Be there for her if she asks...but don't put her on a pedastal or sufficate her. Remember life must go on... hang in there man

 

-d

[jimb2k]

Cheers for that man. Much appreciated.

 

I agree with you that time well tell all. I know if we were to get back together it wouldn't be in the next few weeks or months. It's going to be a long, hard road but with a little faith I will be okay no matter what.

 

I know if we got back together it would be better than ever as absense has definitely made my heart grow fonder.

 

Live for today, as tomorrow may never come.

[kantore]

Hey man I am in the same situation,

Me and my ex broke up several months ago. For the first couple weeks I was a complete mess, even though I broke up with her. I tried to analyze every word she said as if it had a deeper meaning. It really drove me crazy, until I remembered that she had never lied to me before, so why would she lie now. What I am getting at is listen to what she says, and take it at face value.

 

Also do not stand still. When you fail to live, life will pass you by, and life is far to short for that. I am at the point where I am happy even though I still miss my girl, but I am open to other things. If you set your heart on this girl you might be terribly disappointed because everything is not always what it seems. Sometimes I think that me and my ex will get back together and things will go back to normal..... However I remind myself that we are different people now, and that it might not work again. Only time will tell but do not force it.

 

I guess my only advice is to be the guy you are, and do not change for anyone. If you put up a front she will see right through it, just give it time and maybe it will work out..... besides this might be the greatest loss of her life and not yours. Just support her even if you do not understand, and give yourself all the time you need.

[paul475]

...just let her the f*k go. Stop hanging on. Stop sending text messages and stop taking her calls.

 

Look, give yourselves TWO WEEKS of ZERO contact. None. Nada. Zip.

 

At the end of those two weeks the two of you need to agree to come together and decide where you want it to go from that point, forward.

 

Adults do things in moderation, including break ups. Obviously she still has feelings for you, and you for her. But that doesn't mean that your mutual chemistry is healthy or at least non-toxic.

 

If you guys push this relationship right now you'll end up cheating on each other later on in life and hate yourselves for putting each other in jail.

 

Have the strength to be ABOUT LOVE and allow your VISION to guide you into your own lives. Your relationship WILL be better for it. At the very least you'll learn how to step on your dick and be a good friend to a woman as a way of laying the foundation for a solid LTR.

 

If you agree to stay apart after the two week hiatus, I think a contact schedule is realistic...once or twice a month and NOTHING PERSONAL. Just enjoy each other's thoughts and relish each other's growth. Do NOT hang on. You NEED to learn how to be friends with each other, FIRST. You skipped the, "friendship," part in that well-thought-out and patiently-paced 24 hour courtship you had BEFORE this steamy mess landed on your front stoop.

 

But don't feel dumb...you're still WAY AHEAD of the curve from where most guys are at your age. But that doesn't mean the problems will be easier for you...you're dealing with stuff that 28 years olds typically deal with, but you don't have the life experience of a 28 year old.

 

BTW, 24 hour courtships are perfectly suited for weekender trysts, and short term relationships, provided that both people know, up front, what this is going to be about. But if you want more than pure physicality to be a part of your life, you need to evolve your romance from the basis of friendship, first.

 

Unless of course YOU LIKE the idea of handing out houses and cash bonuses to women you have come to despise....

[Ashland71]

It seems like relaxing and just letting things happen is the best way to go. You seem to have decided to do that yourself? All I wanted to say is "Does it really matter if she thinks she is in control?" It seems she has your heart in the palm of her hands so she is in control at least to some degree I cant imagine that she doesnt know it? If she doesnt know how you feel then how is she supposed to know that you are just waiting for her to clear her head? Any way good luck!