fall in love with a married man--seeking advice

[crystall]

I think there must be similiar stories here.

I met him about one year ago in my working place. He owns a bar and always asked me to visit his bar since then. I rejected him because my bf was very dominant person. I told him the truth and he said he got gf as well it was just for the sake of friendship. We didn't catch up at last because I don't want my bf to be jealous.

 

I changed my phone number later and we stop the communication for about 10 months. One day I met my ex-colleague. She mentioned that he used to asked her my contact information since I left. All of a sudden I want to contact him again. I liked him from the very beginning but I'm just very cautious about relationship. We catched up very quickly after that. I was experiencing a kind of mental depression at that time, because my bf is so dominate and I was totally isolated from all of my friends. He even beated me for several times because I had dinner with some other friends without telling him. I went to his bar and we talked for a long time. He gave me his shoulder when I cried, and tickled me to make me cheer up. I feel his shoulder is so strong and broad, whereI can rely on. He promise that he will take care of me from everything. I was really touched because this is a new country for me and I am faraway from everybody that I love in my life.

But then he got a phone call. I heard he said at the freeway ...yep...i will be back home soon... After that, he told me I am most welcome to him, and he will introduce his wife and two daughter to me. He's been married for 5 years!

I was surprised but I was also glad that he told me the truth. He called me almost everyday, asking me to visit his bar. We enjoy the conversation very much especially when there was nobody but two of us. He always asks me to lie on his legs, and I really like the feeling when he touches my face and hair. We talked about almost everything, most of the time he is just listening, and watching my face with smiles on the face.

Things just keep going like this. I used to ask him about his wife. He told me he is very busy, and he seldom sees his wife and kids. One night he introduced me to his wife. They are matching each other so perfectly, but I just can't see the love in their eyes to each other.

 

After that night he decreased the time to see me. I don't know whether he is doing that on purpose or not. But at that time I realized that I am already used to his company, and I like him more than just a friend.

 

He still calls me everyday, and sometimes talks dirty a little bit, but I really don't mind. I still remember the moment he tried his best not to kiss me. Finally one night we met in his car. He asked sth more from me but I didn't do it. I told him that I will not make another woman cry. But GOD I really wanted him, and I know I already fall into him. I told him that I will never see him again because I can't control my feeling if we keep going like this.

 

He still called me the next day. I miss him so much and I just can't help to see him again. He went to my place. We hugged firmly for a long time without a word. I wanted to kiss him so much but he told me I am a good girl and he doesn't want to take advantage from me. He said he wants to see me find a good man and be happy, because I deserve it. He told me he would ask me out if he were not married. And finally he said he will always be there for me as a good friend when I need him. My tears fell like rain drops.

 

I just can't help thinking of him day and night. I really fall into this man even though we didn't even have a deep kiss. I don't understand if he really regard me as a good friend, why he is making me feel there is something more. Why he is not just leaving me alone? And I don't know what shall I do next. Is it possible that we keep our relationship as good friends? Is it possible that he would leave his wife and be with me at last?

 

This is a secret in my life which I told nobody, because I am so ashamed to be in such situation. Please give me some advice. I am totally lost.

[rbelle]

I can understand u perfectly, im in the same situation, the only difference is i met him in the net.

 

This guy lives in another country not that far from me, he was a very good friend for me, he used to help me with my problems and he always cheer me up. From the beginning i already know that he is married and he has 1 daughter. Even though i know this fact, i still fall for him, but i didnt tell him anything about it...until he came to this country where i work(since this is not my home country, so basically it is the same like u..im new in this place)...he was just 2 hours drive away from me. When he came here we always talk to the phone for hours(3-5 hours straight), thats when he said he has feelings for me...so i told him that...i do too. But since we both knew that there's nothing we can do about it, we try to stay as friends, but we met in person and thats when we both realized that we love each other more than that. He even said that if his not married, he will marry me.

 

He decided to work here, so now he is so near to me, but he brings his family here, and i actually met his wife(believe me it hurt me so much). So now we both agreed to stay as friends since we started as friends. Until now we still talk to each other, but i didnt see him for almost a month now. He wants us to meet again but i said i cant, coz i dont know if i will let him go if i will see him. And i dont want to be the reason of any family break up.

 

His the first thing in my mind when i woke up and the last thing before i sleep. There's no single night that i don't cry, the reason why im crying is bcoz i know the fact that "he will never be mine".

 

Another thing is the only person who knew this is me and him only. I didnt tell anybody about it.

 

Is it possible that we keep our relationship as good friends?

 

It is possible but it will be very hard for sure, coz until now its hard for me to accept this reality between me and him.

 

Is it possible that he would leave his wife and be with me at last?

 

If ur living in a country where they accept divorce...it is possible. But u need to ask ur self, is this what u really want? Are u sure about his feelings for u? bcoz, u mentioned that u "don't understand if he really regard u as a good friend only", so i guess u need to make sure about it first. Another thing is, how old is his children? If they are still young, can u take it that they will have a broken family?

 

Since i think u dont have any relationship with him yet, it is much better to minimize seeing him, start now before it will become too late to go back. Believe me it will be more harder if u and him will have a relationship.

 

You are not alone

 

Hope i helped u somehow.

[hurtabandoned]

Is it possible that he would leave his wife and be with me at last?

Possible but not likely. In many instances they will stay with their family. My husband left the woman that he was cheating with. He told her many lies to keep her around. He was just using her.

 

This man is married and has children. By being a part of this you will not only be hurting his wife but his children as well. Affairs do affect the children.

 

Leave him alone and find someone else that is free.

[crystall]

Thank you so much for your comforts! I feel at least I am not alone in this world now.

Believe me when I saw you wrote: "His the first thing in my mind when i woke up and the last thing before i sleep. There's no single night that i don't cry, the reason why im crying is bcoz i know the fact that "he will never be mine". ", I just can't stop my tears because I totally understand how you feel. The fact is that I can cry almost anytime these days when I think of the story between me and him.

 

In this country people devoice easily. It is a country of free sex. Husband and wife are more open minded towards affairs compare to other countries. And I guess that is one of the reasons that makes me so soecial to him.

 

He is in his early thirties, and I am in middle twenties. I've seen his daughters' pictures, one is 5 and the other is 2. I know it will be unforgivable to break their innocent hearts. But what about my innocent heart then?

 

I cried for 2 hrs the night I saw his wife. I didn't tell anybody the real reason I cried and I even cheated myself. I think now I need to be brave enough to admit that the reason I cried is because I realized that he is not my man, and it really hurts. Even he all the times stayed with me when I was in his bar, I still feel so lonely.

 

I feel such a tragity that every minute I am waiting for his message, and I guess he knows that. Seems he is trying to keep the distance away from me now. But he just took away my heart then tell me he can't give all of his to me.

 

The more I live in this world, the more I don't understand men. If his mind is not ready to stick with one woman for the rest of their life, why would he get married and have kids? And why would he give me so many hints, seduces and green lights?

 

I guess the answer from everybody is the same. I just have to live with it. Eating my heart and feeling, bit by bit, inches by inches, till I am not able to feel anything. Oh GOD! why didn't we met earlier?

[crystall]

To: hurt&abandoned

 

I think he is the one who is not letting me alone, at lease as first couple of months. Do you think he is using me in some circumstances?

[rbelle]

Last night before i sleep, i was crying so hard coz i missed him so much. I remember all those happy moments with him. Until now i cant move on, i still love him. He's always on my mind, when i see things related to him i cant stop myself from crying. I dont know how and when to forget him.

 

Anyway lets go back with u....

 

But what about my innocent heart then?

Dont be selfish, you are old enough to handle this situation rather than his 2 young children. This man i love has a 7 year old lovely daughter, though she is not my child i care for her so much, and she is the reason why i told him that we should stop it.

I cried for 2 hrs the night I saw his wife.

I did the same thing when i saw his wife, the reason i met her is bcoz i have to give some papers to her, she even invited me to have coffee, but i refused(i give some lame excuse why i cant). You know something, he even invited me to have diner with his wife(ufff!!!), and i explained to him that i can't handle this situation now, coz im sure that i will cry in front of his wife, if i will see them together.

I realized that he is not my man, and it really hurts.

Reality bites!!!

I feel such a tragity that every minute I am waiting for his message....Seems he is trying to keep the distance away from me now.

I know what u mean, everyday im waiting for his call or even a message, but as of now, its been 5 days since the last time he called me, and believe me how many times i hold my phone and tried to call him.(Take note, he promise me that he will call me everyday). But i understand him coz his too much busy with his work now, or maybe "his just trying to keep distance from me".

If his mind is not ready to stick with one woman for the rest of their life, why would he get married and have kids?

Anyone out there who can answer this question, coz i also want to know the answer.

why didn't we met earlier?

I ask that same question lots of times, why? why? why?

 

Sometimes i feel like i regret that we met, but u know something i should'nt feel like this, coz his the best thing ever happened to my life, he let me know the feeling of "to loved" and "to be loved", but he also let me know the feeling of "to be hurt", thats why sometimes i want to regret. But just like everyone says "THIS IS LIFE" we have to deal with it.

[crystall]

Last night before i sleep, i was crying so hard coz i missed him so much.

 

Last night I cried as well. It is a kind of feeling that can hardly express. I watched the raindrops falling from the Victorian style balcony through my window, which is covered by oriental beads-made curtain. It was so beautiful and romantic, and unconsciously I found I was crying.

 

 

Dont be selfish, you are old enough to handle this situation rather than his 2 young children.

 

Hahaha, you are right. I shouldn't be that selfish. Well I haven't seen his daughters face to face yet, and I guess I will definitely cry when I see them in person. What I want to do is to forget his burden behind him and regard him as a fresh man. He loves his daughters that is for sure, and that might be the biggest reason that he doesn't want to leave his wife. I guess it is not easy for him to run the business and maintain the family.

 

You know something, he even invited me to have diner with his wife(ufff

 

Can you believe it? He also suggests the same thing! I guess these people just want to make things easier for themselves, so that they will not feel that guilty. I guess I will never wish to see his wife again.

 

I know what u mean, everyday im waiting for his call or even a message, but as of now, its been 5 days since the last time he called me, and believe me how many times i hold my phone and tried to call him

 

Well it's been 2 days that he didn't contact me. A day seems extremely long for me since he deliberately keeps the distance. His explanation is always busy for sure. I just don't want to be that innocent again. For hundreds of thousands of times I want to contact him, a call or a message. But then I my dignity stopped me. I don't want to be an unwelcome person to him, although he used to promise me that he will always be there for me when I need him, or just a friend.

 

Sometimes i feel like i regret that we met, but u know something i shouldn't feel like this, coz his the best thing ever happened to my life, he let me know the feeling of "to loved" and "to be loved", but he also let me know the feeling of "to be hurt", that's why sometimes i want to regret. But just like everyone says "THIS IS LIFE" we have to deal with it.

 

I used to be in many relationships before. Trust me and I trust myself we will get over it soon. It is just a matter of time. Be strong girls! Recently I've been thinking about love and marriage. Well actually in my opinion love can happen every moment in life. It is generated from nature and passion. However, there is another kind of feeling, which is needed to be developed, day by day, month by month and year after year. I guess it is this kind of feeling that most men can't give up in front of love, in front of us.

So let's jump out of the way that in most people's mind. Let's upgrade our love to a higher level, to a spiritual level. If you really understand each other, and enjoy the company of each other, why do you have to be greedy and want to own him all? If all you want is love, you already get it. Just think it over and be grateful that you don't have to handle the trivial life with him, and you can build a utopia in you mind, where you and him can share every thought, every feeling and every romantic moment together. That will be so beautiful! And this "love" will be so pure, so clean, so enjoyable and harmless.

 

Really nice to know that you are here with me.

[rbelle]

Can't believe that someone is experiencing almost the same thing as i do.

 

Your last paragraph really touch my heart, i really hope that i will get over him. I never been into any relationship, thats why it hurts me so much. First time for me and this is what happened!!!

 

By the way he just called me a while ago, and everytime i spoke to him i cant stop crying especially after i hang up the phone. I really really missed him.

 

Another thing, he wants us to meet tomorrow, i dont know what should i do? Can u help me decide? I'm dying to see him again but im not sure what will i do when i see him.

[crystall]

By the way he just called me a while ago, and everytime i spoke to him i cant stop crying especially after i hang up the phone. I really really missed him..

 

Well, I understand your feeling my sweet friend. I remembered when I was first time in love, I was so helpless and every time I talk to him over the phone I cried. It will be of great help if you have some good friends, whom you can talk to. At least this may make you feel better, not that helpless, lonely and sad. If you think it is embarrassing to talk to a friend that might release your secret, then just call your best friend in your hometown.

 

 

Another thing, he wants us to meet tomorrow, i dont know what should i do? Can u help me decide? I'm dying to see him again but im not sure what will i do when i see him.

 

Well, maybe I am a brave person and I've been through a lot of things. If I were you I will meet him. But I can't make decision for you.

Well you've been avoiding him for one month, and this didn't make you feel any better. You still talk to him over the phone, and he is still around you. Then why don't you be a brave girl, face the reality, face your love to him, and face him? It is much better than staying at home and cry yourself out.

But before you go you should make up your mind what do you want from him? As what I mentioned before, if what you want is his love and care, you already got it. Just go and enjoy it happily. There is nothing should be blamed about. You can talk, share your feelings, be true love and true friends of each other, but not giving each other burden or problem. Both of you could work out an agreement to guide your behavior, which make 2 of you comfortable with.

However, if you really want to marry him, ask him again about the possibilities. And ask him what's in his mind. It is unfair that you are the only one who is suffering this much my poor girl.

And try to understand this person more. I am a bit worried that maybe he is trying to be selfish.

[rbelle]

You made your point there, i guess i have to be brave and face him tomorrow.

 

if what you want is his love and care, you already got it. Just go and enjoy it happily. There is nothing should be blamed about. You can talk, share your feelings, be true love and true friends of each other, but not giving each other burden or problem.

All these words you said really encourage me to see him.

However, if you really want to marry him, ask him again about the possibilities. And ask him what's in his mind. It is unfair that you are the only one who is suffering this much my poor girl.

Well he did think once to change into muslim so he can marry me too, but i said a big "NO" i dont want to be a second wife. It's not a very good idea. Besides i always consider her daughter.

 

Anyway, when i spoke to him today he sounds like his asking this the same question "why we didn't meet earlier?"....i can really feel this. Im not the only one who is suffering, he does too. Well i know that i can't be that sure, but i can really feel this from his side.

 

So tomorrow i will meet him(that is if i will not change my mind, hope that!) Thanks for the advice. This conversation end up u helping me. Thanks a lot!!!!

 

We are not alone

 

I love this site!

[crystall]

Good luck !!

 

[rbelle]

Thanks!!!

[crystall]

Thanks!!!

 

How is it going Rbelle? Is everything alright between you and him?

 

I haven't seen him for one week now. Well I'm still with my bf and he started to run a new business.

 

I think I am almost totally alright now. but only almost We sent each other msg everyday, and I believe things is going to work between us.

Although I've been having a lot of problems with my current bf,(I still didn't break up with my bf) I think I don't need him( the married guy) as a lover or a husband anymore. I can live on my own no matter what happen in the future, and I will find the one I really deserve for being such a good girl!

 

Hope you are alright too.

[rbelle]

Well last tuesday i was supposed to meet him, right? But he didn't call me. I was waiting for him to call me the whole day, but he didn't. its fine with me since i told him the day before that i will think about it, so maybe he was thinking that im still not ready to meet him.

 

Then last thursday, i called him as soon as i woke up, coz its been 3 months since we know we love each other. And also its been a month since the last time i saw him. So he ask me if i want to see him, then i told him "YES", then he ask me again why sudden changed of mind, then i told him that, i just make some thinking and i realized that i need to meet him ASAP.

 

But it was a big mistake to see him that time, i went to see him for only 5 minutes....i was look into his eyes....and it seems like its talking to me.....telling me that "theres nothing we can do about it"....thats when i have a teary eyes. Then i told him that i need to go coz if i will stay there i will cry so hard. After i met him i keep on crying in the supermarket(its a good thing that there's only few people out there) i was so sad that day, i just realized how much i love him. I guess my wound is not yet healed, i still need more time.

 

Then today he called me again, asking me why am i crying that time, i want to tell him everything in my heart. But i didn't coz i think it will not help.

 

Anyway, its good to hear that your ok now, btw u sound so strong, i wish i can be the same like you.

 

Thanks for asking!!!

[crystall]

Anyway, its good to hear that your ok now, btw u sound so strong, i wish i can be the same like you.

 

Dear rebelle, I am really sorry to know that you are not alright. To be honest I wish I could be there for you when you cried. I would give you my shoulder because I know how helpless a girl can feel in such situation.

 

Well just to share my feeling with you,the reason why I feel I am almost alright is because I just don't want to put myself into trouble anymore. Life is already full of problems and why should I make it more difficult for myself?

 

I haven't seen him for more than a week now. Among this week I go out with my friends, meet new people, read and write, and focus on my studies, although it is very boring, lol~~~Well I forget to tell you that I am now working on my second master degree, that's why I got a lot of time to think these much. When I feel I miss him I just tell him that I miss him by message. Yesterday we are suppose to meet but he just kept me waiting for a whole night. At last he sent me msg and told me he is ready at 11pm. G! it is too last to meet a lady friend so I just simply scolded him and told him this is not the right way to treat me as a friend. I don't care what would he be thinking after he saw this kind of msg from me, I just want to be honest to myself and let him know how's things going on from my side.

 

I'm also going to gym next week. I need to make myself more prefect , and let him regret that he missed such a nice girl like me.

 

My brother is going to be a father soon. I can feel his endless love to his unborn child. Every family members, including me, are excited about the baby. We've been thinking about the name, the future...etc. All of a sudden I realized he experienced the same thing as my brother. So many memories, stories, happy and sad tears...Maybe he loves me, but he loves his children better for sure.

 

Well since my feeling to him is born from nature, I have nothing to blame myself about. All I need to do is to focus on my own business, and be more comfortable with myself.

 

I may sound strong to you, because I've been in relationships before. I've experienced a lot of things, been cheated, been mis-treated, been used...long distance relationsips...etc. When I was really down I even thought about suicide. So do you still think I am strong now?

But finally I get through all of these. Still there is a long way for me to go but no matter what happened I just understand I have to love and respect myself better, after that I can know what I really want and will get what I deserve.

 

Thanks for asking!!!

Don't mention it. It's nice to know you rbelle. I can see that you are a sensitive and kindhearted girl. The similiar stories bring us close to each other. Be a strong girl and I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart!

[rbelle]

I really need that hug...im so sad and down and lonely now. I can't get him out of my mind. Im thinking about him more and more and more.

 

I did try to be busy....i hang out with my friends, i read a lot of books, i watch movies, and other things, but it didn't help me to forget him, i only end up getting sick.

 

I don't know now what i should do? I'm getting tired of it, i come to the point that i want to give up. All i get is pain. I feel like everything in me went wrong.

 

He used to call me everyday but now his calling me about twice a week. Those calls is about 3 minutes, just to "ask how i am?" Sometimes i want to tell him to stop calling me, coz i feel like his only calling me for the reason that he don't want me to get upset from him, or maybe he feel some guilt in his side. Those sort of things comes to my mind. But i can't tell him that coz knowing the fact that he will stop calling me forever, KILLS ME. Besides i dont have the right to question him why his not calling me everyday, im not his gf or wife.

 

I know how busy he is with his new job, and with his family. He has lots of things to priority. I would be the last in his list.

 

I understand all those situation. But it keeps hurting me. I perfectly know what i should do. Leave him and stop any sort of communication with him. I swear i think about it lots of times, but i can't. Just thinking about that idea makes me cry. I know that u understand me coz u've been in my shoes.

 

I know im killing myself... slowly slowly... with all this things. But what can i do? How am i going to fight this? Im so weak now.

 

Truth does hurt.

 

I really hope i can be as strong as u, you are a very positive person.

no matter what happened I just understand I have to love and respect myself better, after that I can know what I really want and will get what I deserve.

I hope i can say this to myself...it seems so easy to say but really hard to do.

 

I really appreciate all your kind words and concern. I really need it now.

 

Thank you!!!

 

Im not alone!

[crystall]

Dear rbelle,

How have you been my sweet friend? How are you feeling these days and I wish everything of you is alright.

As I told you before I don't think I am attached to him anymore. Well this is true and I'm enjoying my life with other friends. There are heaps of good single guys for me and for sure he is out of my list, lol~~~~

He already finished his credits in my love bank, and now I feel so released.

 

I wish you could stand up and be a strong girl as soon as possible.