Her texting might be reaching out and not just breadcrums?

[JEastern]

I know many people in these forums are trying to figure out if the texts they're getting are breadcrumbs, or possibly more.

 

First off, I'd like to thank Endy for the suggestion on the book Anger, by Thich Nhat Hanh. I'm making my way through that book and it really has spoken to me about how I, and other people, deal with anger.

 

As I had mentioned in a previous post I started, my ex has been texting me about once a week for something random. This past weekend, she was at a restaurant which I had been last month and raved about. When I got her text, I stared at it, and put it down since I did not know what to do about it. Early the next morning, I wrote back to her something casual that didn't require a response. She wrote back to be and we conversed a bit over the course of the morning, nothing major. When the convo got nowhere, I told her I had to go and to have a good rest of the day.

 

My question is, is it now possible that she is reaching out to me, to see if I'll respond to her. Is it possible that she's apprehensive about contacting me since she was the one who broke up with me. It might not be just breadcrumbs, but an attempt to reestablish communication. With communication, can possibly come reconciliation. I just don't know, but I want to communicate with her if she is genuine about it.

 

This book has really helped illustrate ways to not let anger could your mind, and how to reallocate the energy to positive things. Basically, it's not worth the energy to be angry. I'm accepting her decision to back away, and maybe the timing of everything, with all that's going on in her life, wasn't right. Since we used to be good friends before the relationship, maybe it's time to get that back.

 

What do you all think?

[Wildcars]

Personally i would start communication, try it out, but don't be too demanding, light chat, don't show too much interest, and see where that takes you..

 

Crumbs or no crumbs, everyones situation is different, so you know your situation better than anyone else, go with your guts, but always stay calm.. And don't act too needy!!

 

Good luck!

[Eocsor]

Really who knows. What do you want to do? If you feel like giving it a shot go for it. Just take it slowly and try not and act needy.

[mhowe]

It's bread crumbs. The way to know --- if the conversation goes nowhere. Not to say you can't have a casual conversation or catch up with each other --- but to what purpose? Do you want to go back to being friends? If you want her to see what it is like not having you "around", don't respond to her texts.

[mat347]

My ex txted me after about three weeks of NC and two and half months post BU. Saying she was thinking of me and wanted to say hi. It ended up just being bread crumbs and now I'm back to NC.

[endy]

First of all thank you for taking the time to read the book and I am glad it helped. How long ago was the breakup and what is your state of mind? Are you over it yet? Are you still longing for her etc? I don't remember the back story at all. She didn't jump to someone else or anything did she? If above is true and none of that happened... She dumped you and you have every right if she is going to communicate back and forth to either question her intentions... or B) only go NIC. Do not be the one to initiate contact and keep it light. You want her to think you don't need her. If you feel it's breadcrumbs and it's not going to help you heal then keep NC. If you aren't in the right state of mind to know or make that decision I would still stay NC.

 

You already showed her the door is back open if she wants back in... make her work for it. Just keep it light and casual. DO NOT be overly available. If she brings up reconciliation... I haven't given it much thought. under no circumstances reach out. You keep control in this situation and be that calm you that you are learning to be.

[JEastern]

The breakup was at the end of May, so it's been about a month and a half. I told her we cant be friends, and she didn't like that. She contacted me a few days later with an "I miss you" and we talked. After about a week, I asked her what was going on, that I'm getting mixed messages, and find interacting with her awkward. After that we didn't really talk much, but about once a week I'd get some sort of communication from her. She'd always be the one to initiate it, but I'd reply when I was ready. A couple of weeks ago, I initiated with her, said good morning and we texted a bit, it didn't hold a lot of substance but it was communication. After that, it was another week before I heard from her.

 

My state of mind is ok I think, I've been out with a couple of girls a few times, seeing what is out there, but I still think about her a lot. I don't think I'm longing for her, but I miss her and still love her. She said during the breakup that it wasn't about someone else and that she has nobody lined up and isn't interested in dating anyhow...so I don't think there's anyone else, but how would I know?

 

I don't NEED her, but I miss talking with her about the things we used to talk about; the inside jokes, small talk...it was nice. Since we both work together, we would talk about stuff relevant to that as well.

 

It's hard to decipher light and casual text tone , since there hasn't been a phone conversation in about 2-3 weeks. Right now, it's like we're both trying to go NIC on eachother...it's like a standoff.

[endy]

Yeah break that standoff. You're giving her too much too early IMO. Let her see what it's really like without you at all. You keep NC at work as well. All you do is use contact at work when specifically needed. They are probably all just crumbs. You're still making yourself available to her and I think it's too early for that. It would be for me if I was in your situation. Break the NIC and don't respond anymore to nothingness. She'll get the hint. She made a decision and she should have to deal with it. If she misses you that much and she wants you that much she'll come out and say it eventually.

 

You know your ex better than us. Just take the advice and make your own decision.

[JEastern]

Personally i would start communication, try it out, but don't be too demanding, light chat, don't show too much interest, and see where that takes you..

 

Crumbs or no crumbs, everyones situation is different, so you know your situation better than anyone else, go with your guts, but always stay calm.. And don't act too needy!!

 

Good luck!

 

I'm curious about your suggestion, seeing as that it goes against what most others on this forum say. Can you explain more?

 

 

It's bread crumbs. The way to know --- if the conversation goes nowhere. Not to say you can't have a casual conversation or catch up with each other --- but to what purpose? Do you want to go back to being friends? If you want her to see what it is like not having you "around", don't respond to her texts.

 

Let her see what it's really like without you at all

 

Isn't she already doing that?

 

I'm skeptical sometimes about the NC until she contacts you. I'd hope that we shared enough, got really close, and grew to love each other during our relationship that she thinks about me a lot, but sometimes I think that the longer you go, the lesser the feelings become. In my case, if we are in a NIC standoff, then she might give up on me. Maybe it's going to take the bigger person to establish some meaningful contact.

 

I know my ex has a lot of issues going on in her own life right now; I used to be the one she'd talk to about all of it. Since I've been reading that book, and trying to be more mindful of things, I realize how much energy it takes to focus on this NC. I don't believe I became too dependent, I have a life, I have things going on, but I also love this woman. I know NC works for moving on without the toxins from your past relationship, but if there's even a shred of love there, it seems to go against what this book is talking about. We don't want to punish the ones we love, she might just need compassion and understanding instead of focusing so highly on NC and not doing anything until she responds.

 

I'm not making any drastic breaking-NC moves right now, but I'm looking at all sides of the issue here.

[Eocsor]

The thing is, no one knows what will work. All they can do is give you their best guess. It's your responsibilty what you do with all the information. Ignore it or take it. It's all a crap shoot anyway. There are no garuntees. So just make sure that at the end of the day you can live with the choices you've made.

[JEastern]

I know, it's all a crap shoot. There's so much talk in these forums about maintaining dignity and self-respect, where I can see how so many people second guess what their feelings/guts are telling them versus their minds.

 

Yesterday set me back a bit, and it wasn't the ex's fault. I was supposed to meet with a good friend for breakfast, someone who has been an ear for me throughout this whole thing. I drove 30-minutes to find out she bailed on me without any notice, no phone call, etc. A whole rush of feelings came over me, and I really wanted to call my ex and talk.

[endy]

I know, it's all a crap shoot. There's so much talk in these forums about maintaining dignity and self-respect, where I can see how so many people second guess what their feelings/guts are telling them versus their minds.

 

Yesterday set me back a bit, and it wasn't the ex's fault. I was supposed to meet with a good friend for breakfast, someone who has been an ear for me throughout this whole thing. I drove 30-minutes to find out she bailed on me without any notice, no phone call, etc. A whole rush of feelings came over me, and I really wanted to call my ex and talk.

 

It's the longing I'm worried about here. You aren't in that state where you are just fine loving yourself. That's really why advised all of what I did. IF you do come out right now and break that game that you are playing... Are you prepared for whatever happens? Then let me ask you this. Are you a broken person right now? People are NOT attracted to broken people. That's my point. If you are capable of sitting her down, and loving her the way that books says. If you are capable of speaking to her that way with every ounce of love you have in your body... meditate on it. Deeply. I mean real deeply.

 

How long have you been practicing mindfulness? How deep have you looked into yourself? If you did then you would have the insight of having desire. You would know that is a root feeling, and it's a negative not a positive. Have you got this at all from inside yourself yet? I am not saying you don't love her. I am saying be ready. Really ready inside and think about this deeply before you do anything.

[JEastern]

I hear what you're saying, Endy. Before yesterday morning, I was doing really well. I've been meeting up with a lot of friends, going on a couple dates, and continuing on with life. Just last night, I was out with a bunch of friends, and they all commented on how happy I seem, especially with my job. So, I don't think I'm broken. I know I do not need her in my life, and if I were to sit her down right now and lay it all out, I'd prepare myself for the worst.

 

I always had respect for her as the book talked about. I always tried to express my feelings honestly, so that is nothing new. It seemed she had the hard time expressing her feelings, which is why I was surprised by the break-up (aren't we all).

[endy]

Ok then you know what you should do. But just one last word of advice. Don't prepare yourself for the worst because there is no worst. Worst thing that happens is she doesn't understand and you have compassion and love for that... you let go and find someone that does. I think you're about ready to do what you want to do. Just be honest with yourself. If there's any longing etc... really think about it first.

[JEastern]

Thanks Endy. Being away over the weekend, I spent some time thinking about what to do. I'm unsure if I even want to do anything about the situation right now. Gotta let the week start and see what I think.

[JEastern]

Here's an update, I found out yesterday from a mutual friend that my ex is now dating someone and has been for about two weeks now. It feels like a giant punch to the gut, but I'm honestly not all that surprised. I haven't gotten any texts from her in the past two weeks. I asked this question in another forum, but I'll ask it here too...it's about 1.5 months since the break-up...is what she's in considered a rebound relationship?

[ONCT]

I really like this post. I'm in the same situation as you JEastern, except there is NC at all for me right now.

I found out that she asked a week ago about how I was doing by asking a friend of mine where I used to work. We used to work in the same location but I was relocated 1hr flight away.

BU was mid-may, I tried to understand the BU and I think I do as she can't handle relationship + all that's going on in her life (her past, her relationship with her mom, move, quitting job and going for MBA..., she's seeing a counselor). I've been NC for over a month now. I miss her, want her, but being far away seems to me to be out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I'm worried about her reaching out at one point, I want her to, but she's stubborn and probably think it's not the right thing for me. She told me to please not wait for her and that she's not the right one for me.

[JEastern]

ONCT, I understand what you're going through. I was at my wits end debating whether to contact her and try to neutralize the standoff, but after I found out that she's dating someone and could move on so quickly, I have lost a lot of interest. Now I'm feeling more that it should be her who contacts me now. It was another kick in the gut to me, and I'm trying hard to talk myself out of over-analyzing how she is comparing me to the new guy if she is at all. Is this new guy even a rebound? 7-months of being together down the drain. I haven't heard from her in about two weeks now anyway.

 

Honestly, I'd move on if I were you. It's a tough pill to swallow, but the more you wish for her to reach out, the chances get higher that she won't. I think the ambiguity of the standoff somehow kept my hopes up that she would come around, but the closure of finding out she's dating somebody I think is the kick in the pants I need to really just move on and stop caring so much.

[Edmund Exley]

Here's an update, I found out yesterday from a mutual friend that my ex is now dating someone and has been for about two weeks now. It feels like a giant punch to the gut, but I'm honestly not all that surprised. I haven't gotten any texts from her in the past two weeks. I asked this question in another forum, but I'll ask it here too...it's about 1.5 months since the break-up...is what she's in considered a rebound relationship?

Could be a rebound. Could be she is healed and moved on and ready to date someone new.

 

No one can just say "She's in a rebound" without knowing what her emotional situation is. She could be very happy and truly attracted to someone new. She could also just be dating and having fun.

 

Don't pin your hopes on someone being in a "rebound" as a reason that they may come back to you one day. No matter the situation, they are involved with someone else and one step removed from you. Yes some rebound and return, many rebound and move on.

[ONCT]

I found out she asked how I was doing to a former co-worker. I don't believe she's seeing anyone either as she had told me she can't be with anyone right now but I don't know for sure.

I know I need to move on and not have hopes. Time will do what it's got to do, it's just really hard. People say if it's meant to be it will happen, well... make it happen fast... lol

I also know that I have the support of one of her close friend who would like us to be together, but she doesn't give me any false hopes either.

I hate being like this, it's not who I am at all. I've always been able to achieve my goals, I've taken pretty challenging risks and over-achieved them but this one feels like it's a lost cause and I can't do anything about it. I hate that feeling