She's pregnant, and still loves me, should I?

[RensoreK]

First, I would like to say this seems like a great community, I'm a new user here and seems very warm. I would like to ask a personal question.

 

Small Background:

 

I dated my current X-girlfriend for about a year and a few months (but we had been friends since way before that), we were happily in love, we thought about marriage, but a time came when I had to move due to family issues, we both knew this way ahead of time. Unfortunately we broke up right before I moved (about 2 months), and we were unable to continue our relationship as we had planned (We've been apart as a couple for 5 months). Turns out she broke up with me because she didn't have enough faith that when I moved, I would find a place for us to live together to continue our lives together...

 

--

 

When she broke up with me, she didn't know if she should see other people to get over the heart break, but she did, she met a 'friend' and this guy ended up taking advantage of her by getting her drunk and date raping her (what a jerk!!). She's about 5 months pregnant now, and she calls me at least 3-4 times a week, nothing out of the ordinary, and she mentions she want's me to visit her baby after its born. I feel I'm not ready to share a child with anyone, whether its mine or not.

I think about a lot of things, the baby, if shes changed, how our relationship should work. And we still have a lot of love for each other. Although sometimes I feel like if I get back together with her I'm just making it easier for her, giving her an easy way out both ways. She broke up with *me*. She's moving to another state and she really wants me to come visit her, and I plan to, but Im afraid we might fall in love again, I know we will. What should I do, I'm so confused I've even wanted to ask her, that the baby wasn't made from a loving relationship and she should put the baby for adoption for a family who is unable to bear, or desires children and can provide love for that baby (I don't believe in abortions). I have a lot of dreams with her in them, which tells me shes in my mind subconsciously a lot. I've even told her that in order for me to get over her pregnancy and our ex-relationship I can't be her friend anymore, which I hate to do because shes one of my best friends and knows me very well. She just says she refuses to let me go because she needs a person like me and I am very important to her. What should I do, I'm going insane.

[Mr Mister1]

First of all I have a question for the ladies out there, what makes females leave decent loving guys in the fear that they "don't really care" and then get involved with someone who really doesn't care and treats them like dirt? Please someone explain it to me because I just don't get it!

 

Okay whenever I respond I keep feeling the need to put a disclaimer that this is just my opinion and you are free to ignore it compleatly.

 

By the sounds of it she means a lot to you and the feeling is mutual. That being said you have a point, she did break up with you and effectivly got into this mess as a result of that and you would be giving her an easy way out. One could argue that if she didn't break up with you she might not have gotten into this mess!

 

If you don't feel you can be friend with her though that's up to you and you shouldn't be forced to be her friend. It's a bit rich her refusing to let you go when she made you let her go.

 

I think you need to ask yourself how much she means to you and if you want to be with her no matter what, if so then visit her and see what happens. If not then maybe you should go your own way.

[Francis]

To Mr. Mister 1:

 

The image of men that is reflected in society is that : men are cheaters, mes are unable to experience true love, men are opportunistic, men always want to sleep around, men are proud to sleep around, men exploit women, men desire other women, etc. Many men claim that monogamy is not natural, etc.

 

At least as to myself I had an excellent dad, and thereforeeee I know that there are some good men out there, but imagine the feelings of a woman who was issued from a family where the father cheated, was a liar. In fact, most women are issued from such families because most men are like that.

 

For instance, most of the time, at least from what I have seen happening to my friends and to myself, a woman has practically to coerce a man to ask her to marry her, if she does not, he never will. We think that men have difficulty with committment because they are looking elsewhere to find the perfect woman of their dreams, and meanwhile they're with you just for the goodies (sex, cooking, cleaning up, etc.). That is the image of men projected by society.

 

This is why a woman will have major difficulties to believe a man loves her if he does not ask her to marry.

 

To Rensorek:

 

First, I want to tell you that one of my siblings either was adopted, or is the first child of one of my parents (another race) and that my experience with an adopted child in a family of five was not very good. My parents are very politically correct and they refused to acknowledge that this child does not have the same status as others.

 

In spite of this, there is always differences in treatment between the children. The parents will display a different disposition towards adopted or natural and the child will always look for his "real" parents and will idealize their "real" parents, even if his adoptive parents are great. There is always some ingratitude involved, from my experience not only with my own sibling, but other families too.

 

I want to say that, if you ever marry her and she keeps this child, that could have a negative effect on the whole family. And you should not feel obliged to adopt and to raise a child that is not yours. Sooner or later your instinctual feelings will surface.

 

She made a mistake, but a very bad mistake with awful consequences. Now, she should not even pressure you that much to get back with her: she should acknowledge that she made the mistake and that asking you to adopt the child of another man is a MAJOR favour she is asking.

 

I think that putting the child for adoption is the best idea, preferably in a family where there will be no other siblings, or where all the siblings are adopted. It will be difficult for her, but you don't have to bear the consequences of her mistake. You should be very clear about this with her. If she does not agree follow your heart, but if she tries to coerce you to adopt the child explicitely or implicitely, then you should be careful and distance yourself unless you feel you are ready to do so.

 

Remember that the time will come when you have problems with your own children, you'll have difficulties to handle your own children. At those times, when problems arise with another child, all your aggressivity towards the adopted child may materialize and make you regret adopting him, etc.

 

Hope this helped. Take care!

[Mr Mister1]

Francis,

you make some interesting points, but still what about in the cases where the man has never done anything bad towards the woman? Or when a man makes it clear that he does plan on marrying the woman? Why then would she leave the man for someone who they can tell right away doesn't care about them and only wants one thing?

 

I've seen this thing happen, where the woman is with a man who loves her and treats her as best he can and isn't just after sex but she leaves him because she doesn't think he cares and then gets involved with someone who is after one thing and doesn't take no for an answer!

[StarBrite]

I'm just wondering... why she didn't turn this guy in. Date rape is becoming a bigger issue now than it used to be, so as long as she knew who which since you said it was supposed to be a friend, then i really don't understand why she would let something like that go. Other than the fact that she could be scared, but, it still should've been done. It sounds like both of you still care. But it also sounds to me like she wants you back in her life because she's having a hard time dealing with everything that has happened to her and the baby. This, i believe, is not fair in any way to you and she shouldn't have even considered it or tried to push you. I myself do not believe in abortions and adoptions i think sometimes are overrated except in cases such as this. Try to talk to her about the possibility of adoption more and whether or not she would feel guilty about having a child through a rape circumstance because i know it would bother me quite a bit. Try to stay strong though. I know you have feelings for her, but she made the mistake of letting you go, so you have to do whats best for you now. However, that doesn't mean you can't be a friend or even more if you really want that to be. But i think you also realize the responsibilities and problems getting back with her that may arise.

[Day_Walker]

You dont seem to have any control in this situation, she tells you that she "wont let you go", how is that her choice at all? The decisions she made have shaped her life, for better or worse. Should has judged a persons character poorly and now she is living with her decision. Why are you letting her have all the control? She is being selfish and she is also being inconsiderate of your needs. She now wants you around because she thinks you are a good guy and will save her from her current situation. You need to be strong and even been an a**, because you need to get over this girl. She is not allowing you to do that, you arent helping the situation any by being completely available for her. This girl is manipulating you and you dont even see it, if it works then she gets an A for effort because you let it happen.

[RensoreK]

StarBrite: Yes she was going to report this man, which happens to be in the navy, and apparently he had done this to other young women himself, and he's in the Navy, she feels if he goes to jail she will not be able to get any money from him to help support the baby because shes living with her sister working full time and it's still difficult to manage.

 

 

Francis: Her father raped most of his daughters, was abusive, and left her family when she was young, occasionally she did cry when such things were brought up, and most of her family is dysfunctional, and her father did murder some of her siblings and do cruel things to them, she mentions she has nightmares about her brothers or sisters committing suicide and asks me if its normal. I try and help her the best I can, but I know this had subconsciously already caused her some damage, so I can see her pushing me away because in her eyes, men she's seen, like her brothers, her sister's husbands/boyfriends and her previous relationships never went well. So she doesn't know good men out there still exist.

 

Day_Walker: I could easily let her go, and I've told her, that I would really prefer to forget her forever, because even though I love her, I do have some resentment for her leaving me, and for the thoughts she brings to mind when I think about her sometimes. I'm not here to be her 'crutch' in life and I have no intention of being that either. I feel like I'm fighting two different sides of myself, the side that loves her, and the side that says "NO." Thats why sometimes its so confusing.

[StarBrite]

Maybe you could suggest a planned parenthood facility for her in that case. There are many programs out now that help single mothers and especially in a situation like this, she should be able to get financial and medical help somewhere. HeathlyStart is a good one and also WIC. Which provide things such as milk, cheese, formula, and more before and even after the baby is born.