Tips, advice?

[LaKings55]

Kind of a long, all over the place rant, but bare with me. It became obvious at a certain point that she was not entirely over the guy before me, and I was just the tall, good looking guy that her family approved of. Just someone to trot in front of her family every so often to go "look, I don't just date abusive older men" It just sucks that I was lured into the relationship by her hotness. Plus, we knew each other as kids, reconnected as adults, etc. It all seemed so perfect, two intelligent, compatible ppl, each 23 yo, enjoying their youth and establishing careers. But, her issues were too much, and I couldn't stand the lack of communication, lack of seeing each other, plans continuously falling through despite being set weeks in advance because she wanted to de-stress by "being alone." I just couldn't shake the question of why if she loves me so much and I'm so wonderful and a great guy, did she used to be all over her ex when he was abusive and a cheater. She's the type that has to be a victim, and I wouldn't lower myself to give her that. I appreciated her for who she was, and her family used to tell me I brought out a side they hadn't seen in a long time. But I took her out of her comfort zone. I was accused of making a big deal everytime she wanted to be alone, despite exercising patience and understanding nearly every time she pulled that. Comparatively, her sister's bf was at their house all day, every day. Yet I was clingy? Sorry for actually wanting to see my gf more than once every other week for a few hrs despite having an apartment a few mins away. Plus, when she told me "I don't have time for a relationship" after nearly a year together, and the day before an important job interview, it just felt malicious and mean-spirited. One week after valentines and telling me how much she loved me and how happy she was to have me in her life! Like she just wanted me there for her own purposes, primarily her occasional physical needs. I felt used, lied to, etc. But she got her wish, I completely laid out my views, that if she couldn't handle a fairly casual relationship and school, how could she handle marriage and children? Why did it seem that she was all over her ex when he was abusive, yet I continuously got the cold shoulder? It certainly didn't feel like love anymore. I just feel like an idiot for still having feelings, but 5 months of NC (minus wishing her mother a happy birthday) have made me stronger. I know in the end, she'll probably just end up with her ex or in another abusive relationship. Not my problem. I could've given her the world, but she wouldn't put in the effort. I asked for so little and got even less. But if I had hit her, or just used her for sex, I'm sure she'd still be coming around. Like I said though, she still got what she wanted, to feel like a victim, because after my little rant, she started telling ppl to not talk to me because I'm a "bad guy." Her family knows her issues, and I'm sure they know she's the one that pushed me away. I may have ended it, but she wanted out first. Good riddance, I'll be happier in the long run. I'm done giving, and I have more experience and warning signs to look for in future partners. We may have been compatible, and she may have been hot and intelligent, but it just wasn't worth it. I'll remember the fun times, but I'll never forgive her for what she did and how she used me. In the end, I was just a rebound, probably revenge for her ex. I was informed by a friend of mine who still had her on facebook (I told him to remove her after he told me this) that she was in another relationship just weeks after we broke up. Then two months later apparently, they broke up. I have a feeling it was her ex, but I don't know for sure. I wonder if she ever truly loved me. Maybe I was a **** buddy, boy toy, someone good looking and polite to trot in front of her family, revenge for her ex's behavior. She sacrificed our friendship and history together. Interestingly enough, I took a girl on a date and her sister and her sister's bf showed up as we were leaving. We all said "hi" but that was it. I'm sure the rumor mill started up after that. I also wanted to point out that one week after valentine's (after she told me how much she loved me, gave me a valentine saying how happy she was, etc) she then pulled the "i don't have time for a relationship" the day before my BIG job interview. Well, it led to agreeing to a prolonged break so she can focus on school. Then later that week she removed her relationship status and put single but still kept my family and I as friends. Thats when I told her we were through, brought up valid issues, and then collected my stuff. No contact since then other than a text from her saying she didn't want to be anything other than friends, and if a time came for that she'd contact me. As much as it hurt, I still know I can never be with someone who continually shuts down everytime an issue is raised. Basically someone who will not argue with me. For example, once before our breakup she had a standardized test for her chosen career. She wanted to see me after, I told her she'd probably be tired and it wasn't a great idea. She said she missed me, so I agreed. After the test, when I asked how it went she said she was tired and angry and just wanted to be alone. I asked her what happened, and she refused to tell me. I told her that it was frustrating me that she continually did stuff like this, and she freaked out and said she needed a break. Then a few days later we talked. Naturally, she passed the test with flying colors. Yet I supposedly "make a big deal" every time she wants to be alone. I felt like saying then stop cancelling or making plans in the first place, and just let me know what happened. It took all my patience and empathy to make it work for as long as it did. Constant walking on egg shells, just waiting for something to make her completely shut down for weeks on end. It's like fighting with a brick wall. I feel like an idiot, but again, she was hot, I felt ready for a relationship, we were friends, we had things in common, it felt right. I'll never know what I meant to her, but I have a hunch she's never given me a second thought. All I wanted was to make the most of what little time we spent together. Go out to a club or bar like we used to, or actually have fun, but I guess I was asking too much. And if she thought occasional sex was enough for me, it wasn't. Unlike most guys, I don't put much stock into or care much for sex. I literally get almost no satisfaction out of it, especially with women I hardly know. I just appreciate the physical closeness and link being shared with someone I am in love with. It'll be a long, long time before I open myself up to another person the way I did with her. and trust me, it's hard. I hate myself for still having feelings even though its been almost 5 months since I heard from her. I still force myself to go out and talk to women, but I just keep failing to find that spark I felt with her. Not a day, or hour goes by that I don't think about her. I just have no closure, no answers, but I don't expect any. Part of me keeps thinking I can get her back, but I don't know if she was ever mine to begin with. I keep flashing between missing her, and hating her. I know she'll fade in time, but time just seems to be moving so slow these days. Anyone have any thoughts? Part of me thinks maybe I did overreact at times, other times I know I was just fighting a losing battle, and made too many concessions for the relationship to work for me. It takes too to tango, and it took me a while to realize I was basically alone in the relationship anyway. So when I officially ended it, I went from seeing her maybe 3-4 times a month (especially at the end) to never. It was just a vicious cycle of her being an over-achiever (I didn't impact her grades at all) to wanting to de-stress by being alone. But I keep asking myself, why did she put any effort at all? Why go through all that trouble of chasing me down just to continually push me away. I think she feels the need to have a man around on her terms, and with her ex gone, I became a nice substitute. Then when I left, either her ex came back into the picture or some other schmuck came around. It just kills me how she was able to look me in the eye and lie to me. I'll never be sure if I meant anything to her. Part of me remembers the cute little inside jokes, the great times we shared, the cute little moments, and the other part remembers the end, and how I just felt strung alone, ignored, and yet made to feel like a demanding jerk. Despite her intelligence and academic success, she just came accross as immature, coddled (her mom is a major nurturer) and lacking in coping skills and ill-prepared for adult life. Any advice or comments are welcome. Feel free to call me an idiot, I'm sure I need to hear it, or maybe she was right and my wanting to actually spend time with her was stressing her out. Trust me, I hate clinginess, but when someone continually drops out of plans that they helped make, it gets really frustrating over time, especially after being together for so long, and seeing each other less and less over time.

[LaKings55]

I hear ya man. It sucks pretty bad. I feel that our society is changing to make men more emotional, and we're just trying to see where we fit in anymore. I just do my best to be a man, work out, hang out with the guys, hit on girls, etc. If she's already sleeping with other people, I would do my best to move on. NC is definitely a great rule of thumb. Mine works too fold. I fear getting complete rejection from her, so I don't contact her, and she doesn't know what is going on in my life, other than what her sister saw (me with another girl) and what some friends. I do my best to take lessons from this. All my previous relationships ended due to things like the girl moving away, or other things they were doing. This is more about what she was not doing. It just felt like we were closer as friends, and earlier on in the relationship. But a year of actively being together, and slowly growing apart. But to me, it hurt seeing the girl I loved just constantly get stressed over little things (part of her anxiety disorder) and wanting to be alone. I respected her space, but I was also going through a very trying time. I had been laid off from a full-time job(budget cuts), I was forced to move back home, I was stressing over a job interview (a job I didn't get, probably due to her drama the day before), my grandmother was in the hospital, I myself was having a healthscare (doctor believed it could have been skin cancer, tested it, came up negative) and carting my folks to the airport to go see my newborn niece (which also created some anxiety for her, due to her having an abortion months before) I just wanted someone to be near me, I wanted comfort, and instead I got excuses and accusations. I know a lot of women complain that men are ***holes, but I know a lot of guys who have decided to start using women due to previous experience with hearbreak. I won't stoop to that level, and like I said, I'll take a lot of personal lessons from this. I have to be careful because I've been accused of "not being there" in previous relationships. Acting aloof, distant, etc. So I have to walk a fine line between focusing on my own life and being there for my future partner. But I also now have a lot of red flags to look for. Contact with exes, emotional issues, seeing a therapist, etc. I just don't understand how I was supposed to completely understand her needs, while neglecting my own. I know she was a tad anti-social, but we're both young, we had our whole lives to be old. I just wanted to go out every now and again to have some fun. She told me I could go without her, but I know she wouldn't have wanted me dancing with other girls. I got tired of constantly being asked where my girlfriend was, and why she couldn't be at parties, or out with my friends and I (female friends as well) It was like the amazing invisible girlfriend or something. Personally, I know people see shades of gray, but I see things as black and white. If a girl wants me in her life, she will make the effort. If we get intimate, friendship goes out the window. If she ever contacts me about friendship, I'll tell her that I wanted her as my girlfriend. If that's not possible, then she can't have me as a friend. I'm not the jealous type, but I don't want to see her with her ex or new beau, and I'm sure she doesn't want to see me with another girl in front of her. I'd rather remain ignorant of her life, and have her in the dark on what's going with my life. That's why I not only deleted her on facebook, I blocked her and many mutual friends so they can't even see my profile. It's hard to let go of everything, but it gets better. Everyday I think less romantically about her. This experience has also taught me to never settle. I think about what it might be like to be married to her. Getting called to come home and deal with the kids because she can't handle it. Or getting her a hotel room so she can be "alone." I would've likely been miserable, and I want a marriage that works for both people. I want to secure my own happiness while making my spouse equally happy. I'm not a selfish man, I usually give more than I receive, and when it comes to things like kids, I don't expect my needs to continually be met while we should both be focusing on the children. But when it comes to just dating, I think I have a right to also be happy. It feels awesome to do things for people, especially when you're in love. But at a certain point, the girl needs to prove she's worthy of it. She needs to show you something that makes you think "I can't live without this person" So it might hurt now, but in the end, I think we're both better off. Never settle, know what you want, forget about the girl's hotness. There are many, many beautiful women out there with personalities to boot, who want honest, sincere men. The main thing to remember is that women want MEN. That doesn't mean horndogs, and it certainly doesn't mean emotional whimps. It means confident, secure in themselves, men who know what they want in life. Nearly every GF I've had came around when I was happy being single, content with no woman in my life. So for now, I'm just going to do what I do, and focus on being healthy and enjoying the single life.

[LaKings55]

It just sucks that we let it go on so long. A mean, a year together and having some great times is hard to just forget. But, she was still hooked on her ex. I heard the story before from her sister. She was depressed she didn't have a boyfriend, met this guy online, and she fell for him. Despite his flaws and using her, he was her first real boyfriend, first everything in fact, even though they only went about a year and a half. So, I can see where it was hard to let go. Still, why pursue me? Why go that long with me? In the end, I'm the one that got hurt. It's like I was just there to fill the void. You're actually lucky that it only lasted a few months, imagine what'd you'd be feeling after a year, maybe two. There's no timetable for someone to get over another person. Where as I rationalized that it seemed she was over him, pursuing me after just a few weeks (I held her off for a couple months) I know she was never quite over him. Maybe after what he had done, she didn't feel like she deserved me. I just don't know. I'd love to have an honest conversation with her, but will that happen? Probably not. Any input or other similar stories would be awesome.

[philanx]

Laking55- Sorry to hear what you were put through.

 

What I could relate to in your situation was the refusal to communicate.

 

I was in a relationship with someone for a few months and I got dumped out of the blue without any explanation. I sensed something was wrong because she started to give me the silent treatment and when I would try to sit us both down to see if there were problems, she would claim everything was fine. I took her at her word and then one day she just dropped me and refused to tell me why.

 

A few months later, we started hanging out again trying the friends thing and at first it seemed like we were getting along great and I was thinking maybe we might be able to move beyond a friendship again but then I started to notice the signs from the first time--the gradual withdrawal. She wouldn't respond to my calls or texts for a day and when we would go out to eat (at her suggestion, btw) she would say she only had a little time and would spend time checking her phone or talking on it while I sat there.

 

Again, I asked her what was wrong and she would say that absolutely nothing was wrong and that I thinking about things too much. The confusing part for me was that she would tell me about a bunch of different ongoing conflicts and I'd hear her on the phone telling those people what her issues with them were and they would work it out. I also know she would talk directly to people when she felt they were not communicating with her in a respectful way so those people at least had an idea that something was wrong.

 

With me, however, she would just give me the silent treatment and ignore me when I reached out (btw, I never blew up at her so she didnt have a reason to fear me). Only when I ignored her back would she then try to reach out, not to address anything but mostly to ask me to go hang out or do something together.

 

The last time she started withdrawing, I dropped all contact with her before she could pull completely away like before. I've gotten a few inquiring texts from her but haven't responded.

 

To this day, I have no idea why she behaved towards me in that way but I do know that a healthy future with someone like that is impossible if they wont communicate with you and seem to get a sense of power by keeping you off balance and unsure of how they will treat you from day to day.

[LaKings55]

Hey Philanx, what you said definitely resonates with me. What is different about mine was the fact that she is generally like that with everyone. She's incredibly shy and doesn't do well in social situations (unless she has a few drinks) Even her own family creates anxiety for her. You did the right thing in going to no contact. I'm amazed that she communicated so openly with others but not with you. The only explanation I can think of can be found in how dogs interact with each other. Some dogs just get along great, and then they'll randomly attack another dog. I know it sounds crazy, but there are just any number of reasons of why your "gf" would randomly do that. Maybe she has confidence issues and thinks you're too good for her. I've seen it happen a lot where perfectly attractive, happy women settle for terrible men (and vice versa) because they think they can't do better. Sadly, 99% of the time they have had chances to have great partners in their lives, but those potential mates made them feel uncomfortable. The human psyche is amazingly intricate and deep. That's why guys like us still feel hurt and still have feelings for these women when we know we shouldn't. I still have no explanation for why I still feel such intense feelings for a woman I haven't seen or heard from in 5 months when I've dated several attractive girls since, get approached by women at bars and clubs just by making eye contact with them. It seems insane to me that I know I can get women, and I know I'll never use a girl. But there was/is just something about this one woman that just makes me stop in my tracks. It sounds sappy and pathetic, but ever since I was re-introduced to her as an adult, I've just felt a connection that I've never had with anyone else. I still remember that incredibly shy, awkward girl in my elementary school. Maybe since I was a very shy kid and got over it, I thought I could her. I just don't know. Just like I don't know if I'll never attempt contact again. Keep the stories coming folks, I think we can get some great tips on here

[LaKings55]

I am hanging with a mutual friend tonight, so we'll see how that goes.

[pietro5266]

Funny, I just saw a post by you in another forum area and responded. I mentioned something there about my current girlfriend canceling-out on me tonight, at the last minute, because she wanted some "alone time", and then see that you posted the same thing about your ex here. That certainly doesn't make things sound promising for me, as I sit here alone on a Saturday night.

 

In any case, you are not stupid or crazy at all. In fact, you were smart and strong. Despite your feelings towards your ex, you recognized that she wasn't treating you as you felt you deserved, and you were strong enough to pull the plug. That takes a lot of self-confidence and inner strength. And a year is really not all that long a time, when you consider that you were only seeing her every few weeks, and that you were very busy, etc. Time flies, and then, suddenly, you finally realize that things are wrong. If you'd spent nearly every day together, you might have come to the same conclusion much earlier.

 

My previous girlfriend, before my current one, was much like your ex. Everything was great for the first three months, then, like a light switch, she shut-down on me. Two more months of getting "I don't know exactly how I feel" from her, and then she just starts dating someone else. Obviously, I stayed too long. She was also hot and intelligent, but very emotionally messed-up. I spent two weeks nearly incapacitated with despair, and several weeks after that just getting by. Had my relationship and history with my ex been as long as yours with your ex, I could easily see that it would have taken months for me to get over it as well. In fact, I'm still not 100% healed, even after starting dating again. (Getting shined on a Saturday night doesn't help either

 

I probably need to take a look at the kinds of women I'm dating and see if I can pick a little better; my pattern is obviously not very good. Hopefully, you'll be wise-enough from the experience with your ex and will be able to spot someone like her in the future -- and avoid her.

[LaKings55]

If you had the experience I had tonight, you wouldn't want to go out. This year just gets worse and worse for me. I try to stay positive and not focus on negativity, but it's so hard when nearly everything that's happened to me this year (comparatively, the break-up is miniscule) has been completely negative. I just feel myself becoming more bitter and sarcastic. I have to force myself to bite my tongue or else I'll say something that will hurt others. I wouldn't be surprised if I got hit by a bus in the near future.

[learning2relax]

If you had the experience I had tonight, you wouldn't want to go out. This year just gets worse and worse for me. I try to stay positive and not focus on negativity, but it's so hard when nearly everything that's happened to me this year (comparatively, the break-up is miniscule) has been completely negative. I just feel myself becoming more bitter and sarcastic. I have to force myself to bite my tongue or else I'll say something that will hurt others. I wouldn't be surprised if I got hit by a bus in the near future.

 

Boy oh boy, can I relate to that! I had an absolutely horrible 1.5 years that started with being dumped, followed by having a project taken away from me at work that I did nothing to warrant that decision, putting my hand through glass (yes accidental - not angry or drunk), having a panic attack where I was taken out of work on a stretcher, losing my job on 12/23, being denied unemployment, having who I thought was a friend take advantage of me, and draining all of my savings accounts to survive and provide for me and my family (single mom).

 

Not only was I anticipating the bus hitting me - at that point, I was hoping for it! LOL. All kidding aside, things have finally started turning around. Thank goodness because I thought that there was nothing I could do right any more. It all really messed with my head. I fight off anxiety on a regular basis from worry that something else is going to go wrong or the bottom is going to drop out. It was horrible, horrible time for me and one that I hope I don't go through again. I joke with my friends that this better have been my "mid life crisis" because there is NO way that I can handle that on top of everything I have just been through.

 

I am still not completely myself yet. I experienced so much loss in the past year and half that I find myself to be very introverted where I used to be quite the opposite. I stopped reaching out and getting together with friends. Partly because I didn't want to burden them with my tales of woe, partly because I was working to turn things around for myself and mostly because I was fearing hurt and rejection. I simply could not risk enduring any more pain. I have avoided friends and family even where solid trust has been established. Now that things are on the upswing, I am the turtle peeking my head out of it's shell and slowly working to acclimate back to "normal" without fear of getting squashed! I am taking it slow to work through the irrational anxiety.

 

Tough times.....don't give up on yourself or on things getting better. I too was a positive person and I understand your sentiment. It will turn around in time. The toughest part is looking for the light at the end of what feels like a very long dark tunnel and continuing forward regardless without seeing it yet. It is there. You haven't gotten this far in life and had the successes that you have on sheer luck. One step at a time. It will come into your line of vision. Patience........

[pietro5266]

@learning2relax, wow, sounds like we should all start a club! I lost my job last summer; I got another fairly quickly, but at a pay-cut (not really complaining though!). And, yes, I also have issues w/ anxiety and social support network that I'm trying to work through. Plus a breakup and a number of other difficult challenges recently.

 

@LaKings55, learning2relax is right -- it seems that everyone goes through these periods where nothing seems to go right. It gets to be so ridiculously bad sometimes that it might make for a good dark comedy. Having a sense of humor is part of the secret of getting through these times. The other is just persevering with the knowledge that things will turn around if you keep plugging-away. Easier said than done, certainly, but I do believe it to be true, as I've seen this happen in my life. And, given the breakup you've been through, that's bound to color your mood and activities, and, thus, contribute to having a "down" period

 

You said you were 23? You said you were good-looking, healthy, career-oriented? You're ex's family seems to have really liked you, and realized that it was your ex who had the problems? You've got the world to look forward to. Don't allow someone else's negativity and problems to color your opinion of yourself and your life. Don't allow the down periods of your life to define your whole life. I'm going through a down period now, no doubt, but I'm finally starting to come out of it, and much wiser. Sounds cliche, but it's true. Consider how big the world really is, and reconnect with your dreams and your goals, and this low period will start to turn around.

[LaKings55]

Yeah, you guys are right, and I continuously try to just focus on good things. I'm sure we can all agree that the international and national issues we face (particularly this prolonged economic crisis) are not helping things. It used to be a lot easier to forget about aspects of your personal life when you could still make decent money. It's hard to feel positive though when you've been out of college for a couple years, finally get a full-time job, and then are promptly laid off due to budget cuts. I'm lucky my old job took me back, and I'm taking steps to enter an alternate career field, with my back-up plan being military (also insanely difficult to get into due to the high volume of people staying in the military and the even higher volume of those trying to join up) I know many, many generations of people have had much more difficult times than this, and I'm sure someday we'll just look back at everything as a dark period in history, but living through it sure isn't enjoyable. Like I said, hard to feel positive when your personal life is in shambles and you can't even get a career going to have something to focus on. Doesn't help that my ex seemingly attempted to sabotage an interview for a potentially lucrative career by creating intense drama the day before. My interview went well, but the job was ultimately awarded to someone else.

[LaKings55]

I'm a workaholic by nature, and I even pour myself into my part-time job, thankfully I'll have something that will occupy more of my time starting in august, and I'm planning on trying to get another part-time job, so I'll be working full-time and basically going back to school. So right now is a lot of biding my time. But as far as my personal life goes, I already feel done with nightlife, and I just don't have the energy for dating anymore. I've gone out on a few dates, and the only thing I can think about is not being there. I'm thankful for this site, it feels great to have others to talk to. Most friends and family just say "get over it." That's so easy to say, and I've been guilty of saying it, when you haven't lived through it.