Ladies, need your help reading this issue between me and her

[ducky]

Why are women so unpredictable and difficult to understand? One day you appear interested, the next you avoid us guys totally. When we decide to move on, there you are waiting for us again.

 

I sincerely need your help in reading one such lady, it's been dragging on for 1 month, please tell me if I still stand a chance with her. 'm sincere about her. It's a little long, so I will try to be as brief and succint as possible. Really appreciate help! Thanks in advance...!

 

1. Just entered college. During the first week, managed to hit off with this girl (Let's call her Jen) quite well. Read some signs that she was interested (smiles, eye contact, willingness to engage in conversation etc), dropped some that I was interested.

 

2. 5 days into school, we went to a pub as a group. One of my pals got drunk, and told her friends "Ben thinks that Jen resembles his ex".

I'm ben, BTW. And she does resemble my ex.

 

3. The next morning, word must have spread. She was avoiding me like plague. Won't even talk to me and share the same car as me.

 

4. That weekend, I tried asking her out on MSN. No reply. Called her cell phone, and she hung up on me. I thought it was game over for me. She avoided me for the next week or so.

 

5. After two agonising weeks, we got the chance to work together for a school performance. Though we were on different committees, we still met occasionally. I had this feeling that she was stealing glances at me when we met.

 

6. I got close to this other girl, Lisa. No romantic interest, just close friends. My friend brought it to my attention that Jen would look in our direction whenever i was flirting or even talking with Lisa. After which she will split her attention between Lisa and myself. I guess she's trying to find out what's between us.

 

7. I've been told by my friends that Jen will stare at me very often during rehearsals. For my part, I have tried to ignore her, as I felt that it's already over. Once or twice I looked in her general direction and thought she gave a very faint smile.

 

8. After the school performance was over, I wrote her a letter. I tried to be as honest and sincere as possible, and confessed that I did like her, along the lines that... "if given a chance, I would like to know you better... Since you're not willing to give me this chance, I will respect your wishes and stop approaching you... don't really want this thing to end this way, hope we can get together and have a chat to sort this out one day..."

 

9. After the letter, she became more receptive. We started saying hi to each other when we pass each other. (before she will try to avoid me).

 

I also noticed that she would hover around class, alone, after lessons. This happened once or twice. There was this time I was at the library with my friends, she came in with her friends and saw us. She approached, and walked by, our table alone. I didn't know what to do so I pretended not to see her... Are these incidences mere coincidence or can i assume that she really wants to talk to me?

 

 

I'm told that Jen generally gets along very well with both the guys and the girls, but she appears rather shy in my presense. I'm the quiet, mature type of guy with a strong, confident character. (maybe not in this case, heh).

 

 

Ladies, really need your help here. Please advice me,

1. From what you see, does she like me? Why does she avoid me early on then?

2. After the letter, are her actions meant to prompt me to ask her out for a drink and talk over this issue?

3. When I finally talk to her, what is the best way to approach this talk?

4. Do I still stand a chance with her? I'm serious about her. Or is she just trying to be friends with me?

 

If you need more information, just ask. Thank you for having the patience to read through all that. Thank you even more for understanding and replying.

 

Sincerely,

Ben

[evepm]

Daer ducky:

 

I think the problem started when she was told that she resembled your ex. No woman wants to be compared to another, especially someone's ex.

 

It sounds as if she's gotten over the "insult". Based upon her reaction after your letter to her, I think that it's a go to ask her out. I don't think that there's a need to talk over the issue. Just ask her to go out and when you do approach the outing like you would any other. I believe that when you first start "dating" someone, don't look at the person as a potential relationship but look at them as a potential friend. The best relationships start out as friendships. After you spend some time with her you'll know whether she wants more than a friendship. Good luck!

 

Take Care,

Eve

[Francis]

I similar story happened to me not too long ago. A very good looking guy at work, the best looking guy, showered me with attention. I did not think I could have a relationship with him because he is very flirtatious in general, although he cleary conveyed that he likes me more than the other girls.

 

Anyway, I never bothered to accept his invitations, he invited me out at least a dozen times. I thought : he is too good looking and too flirtatious with other girls and all the girls like him : translation: I'll fall in love with him and I don't want to put my heart at risk.

 

Eventually he got tired of my refusals, I guess, and he started courting another woman. Suddenly, I had a change of heart and I felt the pangs of insane jealousy.

 

That is probably how the girl you like feels now. Hope this helped.

 

Take care!

[ducky]

Hey Eve, and Francis,

Thanks for replying, the both of you.

 

Eve, thanks for enlightening me about how she feels when compared to my ex. I would never have known that such a remark would be bordering on an "insult". I guess the damage done was much more than I expected than.

 

Francis, I think you hit the bull's eye with what you said. Although I don't openly flirt with girls in college (in fact, I'm rather cold towards girls) mainly because I don't like rumours to spread about me in school. But what she does know is that I do go out with girls that are not from our college rather frequently, so yeah, what you say about not wanting to put her heart at risk is absolutely correct.

 

To add to the equation, I think she has a very loyal personality, and she's easily jealous (hehe got that from her blog), so I think she must have gone through those "pangs of insane jealousy" at some point of time.

 

But I must say that I'm serious about her, I don't pride myself in making her feel so bad. I need your help here. We like each other, but everytime I take a step forward, she takes a step back. She obviously still has reservations.

 

What can I do to convince her to give this a try?

[Francis]

Some people just don't like entertaining meaningless relationships and she seems to be that way. She is probably very serious with respect to relationships and this is your chance to show that you can be serious.

 

You have to convince her that you are serious with her. First of all, the two of you probably need to know each other better. You should tell her that you want to know her better and that you want her to know you better. The best way to do this is to develop a good friendship foundation first.

 

While you are friends, you should be sincere with her and avoid other women. You have to make a choice here. Once she feels she can trust you, then you probably can become lovers. I don't advice you to try to become sexual too early either. For some people, sex IS important and IS meaningful and if they see that you want sex too early, they'll be worried and will wonder if you actually can control yourself.

 

You can send her a letter again. That was a very good idea in the first place, because words in writing are different from words that are spoken. You can invite her for a drink (give her a ride home for instance, and go for a drink) and tell her everything and then give her a letter to seal your statements. Remember, she perceives you as a flirtatious butterfly.

 

Find whether you are compatible first. Good luck!

[HurleyBabe6917]

i think that she might like you, but it seems she's intimidated.

[Dating Coach]

Why are women so unpredictable and difficult to understand?

 

They're actually not that difficult to figure out, you're just trying to read them like you'd read a guy, and guys and girls do things differently. If you pay attention to their actions and a little bit of logic then it's fairly easy to figure things out. Let's take a look:

 

1. Just entered college. During the first week, managed to hit off with this girl (Let's call her Jen) quite well. Read some signs that she was interested (smiles, eye contact, willingness to engage in conversation etc), dropped some that I was interested.

 

First off, none of those things are reliable signs of interest. They could be but you know what? Usually those are the signs that guys misinterpret. She could be being friendly, or any number of other reasons. There is no real sign of interest to judge by... yet.

 

2. 5 days into school, we went to a pub as a group. One of my pals got drunk, and told her friends "Ben thinks that Jen resembles his ex".

I'm ben, BTW. And she does resemble my ex.

 

You're making some mistakes here. First off, as was already said, no one likes to be compared to anyone else. Secondly, you've made it clear that you've been talking about her alot if this information is spreading. Girls usually don't like this. If you like her, talk to her, ask her out, don't go walking around talking about things like this to everyone else.

 

3. The next morning, word must have spread. She was avoiding me like plague. Won't even talk to me and share the same car as me.

 

Wow, won't even share a car ride with others if you are there? That's a huge sign that's saying that she clearly is not interested in you.

 

4. That weekend, I tried asking her out on MSN. No reply. Called her cell phone, and she hung up on me. I thought it was game over for me. She avoided me for the next week or so.

 

She's clearly not interested at all. She even went so far as to ignore you. You asking her out after she's been refusing to talk to her and refusing to ride in the same car as her shows how desperate you are. That is a huge turnoff. You should never have asked her out if her actions are screaming that she's not interested. She knows that you know she's been avoiding you and for you to ignore that and ask her out over MSN screams of insecurity and desperation. Both of those are huge turnoffs for women.

 

5. After two agonising weeks, we got the chance to work together for a school performance. Though we were on different committees, we still met occasionally. I had this feeling that she was stealing glances at me when we met.

 

So she's been refusing to talk to you, refusing to ride in a car if you are in it, not turning phone calls, etc, yet suddenly she's stealing "interested" glances at you? You don't think those glances could mean anything else? She's clearly not interested yet you are trying to assign "interested" to little things that could mean anything.

Even more importantly is that you said you suffered "two agonizing weeks". Why? Because she avoided you? Just how well do you know this girl? Why is her rejection agonizing? This again shows just how desperate you've become. We need to work on your self confidence and self respect before you're ready to date anyone. This level of desperation and clinginess is not going to lend well to a relationship scenario. Honestly bro, you need to work on these things before you are ready. This girls disinterest should be something you shrug your shoulders over and move on with your life.

 

6. I got close to this other girl, Lisa. No romantic interest, just close friends. My friend brought it to my attention that Jen would look in our direction whenever i was flirting or even talking with Lisa. After which she will split her attention between Lisa and myself. I guess she's trying to find out what's between us.

 

You both are jumping to conclusions. Hell, I glance at people all of the time whom I am not interested in. You guys are assigning a possible interest over something that could mean anything. To top it all off, you're assigning "interest" to these actions when everything else before it showed anything but interest. You're really reaching here.

 

7. I've been told by my friends that Jen will stare at me very often during rehearsals. For my part, I have tried to ignore her, as I felt that it's already over. Once or twice I looked in her general direction and thought she gave a very faint smile.

 

This is nothing to consider.

 

8. After the school performance was over, I wrote her a letter. I tried to be as honest and sincere as possible, and confessed that I did like her, along the lines that... "if given a chance, I would like to know you better... Since you're not willing to give me this chance, I will respect your wishes and stop approaching you... don't really want this thing to end this way, hope we can get together and have a chat to sort this out one day..."

 

WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA. WAY TOO SERIOUS. She knows you want her, she knows that you don't take a hint, she knows that she can have you any second of the day. There is no challenge here. She knows that she could say "Jump" and you'd say, "How high?" You've gone about this whole thing the wrong way and she is not interested at all.

 

9. After the letter, she became more receptive. We started saying hi to each other when we pass each other. (before she will try to avoid me).

 

You mean she is being friendly? So what? I bet she says hi to a lot of people. She knows she could have you in a second if she wanted to. So... if she isn't getting you then what's that tell you? You think she'd deny herself something she could have if she really wanted it? She's clearly not interested.

 

I also noticed that she would hover around class, alone, after lessons. This happened once or twice. There was this time I was at the library with my friends, she came in with her friends and saw us. She approached, and walked by, our table alone. I didn't know what to do so I pretended not to see her... Are these incidences mere coincidence or can i assume that she really wants to talk to me?

 

If she wanted to talk to you she would. You're putting a label on some very general actions. They could mean anything.

 

I'm told that Jen generally gets along very well with both the guys and the girls, but she appears rather shy in my presense. I'm the quiet, mature type of guy with a strong, confident character. (maybe not in this case, heh).

 

Probably because she knows you like her and she knows that you are serious about it. She's afraid you'll bring it up or come on to her again IMO. Her actions of avoiding you and not hooking up with you when she could tell me this.

 

1. From what you see, does she like me? Why does she avoid me early on then?

 

No she doesn't.

 

2. After the letter, are her actions meant to prompt me to ask her out for a drink and talk over this issue?

 

No. You've asked her out, she knows you like her, so why would she want you to do it again? She's not interested.

 

3. When I finally talk to her, what is the best way to approach this talk?

 

Treat her like anyone else.

 

4. Do I still stand a chance with her? I'm serious about her. Or is she just trying to be friends with me?

 

I don't even think she's trying to be friends with you. Do people really have this much trouble making friends with someone? If you are willing to be friends and she wanted that, is it really going to be difficult? If she wanted to be pals then she would be your pal. She's not. You guys aren't hanging out.

 

Sorry to be the bearer of this news, but I hope you can accept this. She's clearly not interested, and she's not interested because you've come accross the wrong way. I suggest you read the link in my signiture, it should help you start to realize things you do wrong and how to improve your social ability and understanding of how attraction usually works.

[Siriana]

Well to me it looks like she went from ignoring to saying hi. And for that it took a letter that IMHO wasn't necessary. She is saying hi because it's a polite thing to do.

She is not interested.

I don't think she was interested in the beginning too. She tought of you as a person to have a chat with and after she found out how you talked about her looking like you ex she wasn't impressed and also realized that you like her.

After all you showed her you want to be with her - the first thing every girl would think: what?! he wants to date me because I look like his ex, how patetic. (I am not saying that you are patetic, but this is the line that I would be thinking if i was in her shoes).

But this is not the main reason she is beeing distant, it just was one of the signs you like her and would like to date her - the fact is she is not interested in you so she wants to avoid any convo with you about that.

 

Be polite, say hi, and that's all. She doesn't deserve your attention.

 

What kind of a friend of yours is the one that tells her how you think she looks like your ex?! Well, he was drunk, but...... what a jerk. Also, don't tell your friends such stuff - especcialy those college friends that go around together as a group (how do you call when they walk together like male animals? herd?)

[Lansing]

Umm.. HurleyBabe6917 , you seem to have bumped up a thread from over 2 years ago!!

[Dating Coach]

Umm.. HurleyBabe6917 , you seem to have bumped up a thread from over 2 years ago!!

 

 

Yikes! Good catch!