The battle between LC/NC and Emotion

[JEastern]

Greetings ENAers, I’ve been on here the past few weeks reading stories hoping something would be similar to what I’m going through right now, but since all situations are different, here goes mine.

 

I was in a relationship with a girl that I worked with for about 8-months. It ended about a month ago after we had an argument which we both could have handled better. She didn’t communicate well with me; I knew something was wrong, so I had to ask her in order to figure out what was going on. She said there are a few small issues that built up and it has changed the way she looks at me. She wants to take a step back, but she wants to be friends for now. I told her I can't be friends, and she was upset by that. Later on the next week we started talking again a lot, but after a few days of calls and texts, I had to ask her what was going on with the mixed signals. She responded to me, "Why can't we be friends right now???” From that point on we didn't talk at all until a few days ago when she IM'ed me, and we had casual conversation. Later that night, she called me. The next day, we saw each other at work and I did my best to be friendly and upbeat. I had to head out, so I was ready to walk and she wanted a hug from me. About an hour later, she passed by me in the corridor and seemed less enthusiastic.

 

In our relationship, we used to argue every so often, it seemed she wouldn’t see things from my point of view. We always would talk it out so the negative feelings would go away. Many times she would overreact and would not apologize for it, so I just let it go.

 

Another issue is we are of different religions and my parents have had a difficult time with us being together. She also has two young children and an ex-husband. She said she was too concerned with what my parents thought of her and she didn’t want to have to win them over with her kids. The fact is, my parents hadn’t even met her yet. In the break-up discussions, I told her my parents would like to meet and get to know you, but she kept telling me that I was playing ‘damage control’.

 

We used to see each other all the time. Work experiences brought us very close, we used to talk all the time when we were and weren’t working, and we developed a mutual love for each other. I think about her a lot. I’ve tried to examine what my feelings for her were, whether it was love or not, and I truly feel like it is love…it felt right when we’d say those words to each other and the actions were there. She has flaws, as do I, but I’ve looked past them as our relationship developed.

 

I come to you all, the ENA community, to get insight on what I should do. I’ve been doing the LC/NC and it has helped a bit, but I feel that the love is still there. We don’t talk much at all right now, and that is disappointing. Whenever she does initiate contact, I play it cool, but am also excited to hear from her. She asks me what I’m doing, and attempts conversation. I cannot tell by her actions whether she still loves me, she can be cold sometimes, but if what we had was genuine, then it has to be. Her taking a step back was too sudden.

 

Thanks

J

[JEastern]

*Bump*

 

Anyone have any insight or advise?

[endy]

You need to have boundaries. Looks to me like she definitely has some issues. What you said about her screams insecurity, and probably for a good reason. Ex husband who left or she left. Who knows, but I would let it go and find someone better. Of course you feel the love still. It's fresh, there hasn't been a long period of NC, so you still have love goggles on.

 

There's two ways to go about this. You stay LC, get in the friends zone, possibly get back together or go NC and move on. Her actions or better yet words mean nothing right now. She said she wanted to be friends. She broke the relationship and mutual trust. It was her choice. What I would do is respect that and move on. It doesn't matter what you had right now because she made it clear to you she didn't want anything but to be friends. With that said let me explain to you what's going on.

 

You have no boundaries. You are basically telling her by responding to every one of her texts/calls that you are available whenever she needs you to be. You are putting yourself out there like she can walk all over you. Stop that now. You show her what she is missing, not just let her have whatever she wants. What I would do is go NC or very LC and start working on myself. Want to know why?

 

Because if you get back into this relationship now what has changed? It will be the same thing you just left. The arguing/bickering. Here's a start for you.

 

Read "anger" by thich nhat hahn... That will help with the arguing/anger.

 

Then read "being the strong man a woman wants" That will help with your boundary issues.

[JEastern]

I'd say I'm in very LC right now. She texted me last night asking me about a work related question. It took me a while to get back to her, but I just answered her question...nothing more. It seemed out of place since she could have looked it up online.

 

I'll check out the book links, thanks for recommending them!

[endy]

Yeah, either way you need to keep it strictly work related, it's hard but it's what you need to do. You wanna get her back? Really let go, move on. Show yourself that you don't need this woman to be happy. Forgive her and start working on yourself. Let go with love and don't dwell on her. Get to a place where you don't rely on another person for happiness. We all should really get there. Read being the strong man a woman wants first.

 

Also, don't beat yourself up like it's your fault the relationship ended etc. People aren't perfect and neither is she. Just pick up and move on. That's the best advice I can give you.

[JEastern]

Update...

 

I was talking to a friend this weekend about my situation, and they basically told me just how I was talking about her, that I was totally in love. This friend also talked some sense into me how some of the issues we fought over was nonsensical and that I actually made them worse. The big argument we had that changed things she started off saying, "so can we agree to disagree". I said no, we need to talk about this.

 

Anyway, I started to look at the whole relationship a bit more objectively with the help of my friend and see that I clearly had some fault in the breakdown and that I was so concerned about portraying myself as the victim, that I couldn't accept some blame. All I want to do now is tell her how I feel.

 

As I shared these stories with my friend, I realized how many good things she did for me in the relationship (there were some not so good things), but signals that she genuinely loved me. At the beginning of May, one day I told her I love her, and she replied "I'm SO in love with you". Those words I think about so much.

 

At the beginning of June, about a week after she wanted to back-up a bit, we had been in NC for about 3-4 days and she came back with the "I miss you", she started texting me a lot again and calling. She sang to me on my birthday and wanted me to spend time with her. I was so preoccupied with her space, that I threw away her reaching out to possibly test the waters. I was uptight about meeting up with her and ultimately turned down the offer to spend the night because I was still upset. We had another talk about the relationship and she said out of frustration, "fine, I wont call or text you".

 

Lately I get little texts every so often, nonsensical stuff. An occasional facebook comment to a photo. This past weekend, I sent her a casual "good morning" text. She replied within a minute and we chatted briefly via text. I feel that this is no longer about me being hurt, when in fact there were a lot of things about this relationship that I did to hurt her.

 

What should I do? I don't feel like the dumpee as much as I used to, and I am starting to think that I need to start putting in some effort here and fight for this girl that I love.

 

Thoughts?

[endy]

Do what you feel is right if that's what you really think you need to do. When you're a dumpee you go through all of these things and rationalize them in your head. It's normal. You are putting a lot of the blame on yourself which is also normal. Ask her if she wants to meet up and play it cool. That's really all you can do. You haven't been NC for long enough to heal or move on. Neither of you have. The problem is... You realize you screwed up, but is it going to change without you working on yourself at all? That's something you need to decide. You can't just change because you realize you screwed up. You have to make the effort and put in the effort to take care of the issue.

 

It's going to be the same relationship most likely unless your behavior changes.

[JEastern]

So is asking her to meet up normal? I don't even know if she would want to hear me out, let alone get back together, even though I believe the love she felt for me was real. I don't know if she's playing with my emotions (the bread-crumb thing), or if we're both standing on ceremonies waiting for the other to initiate contact. I can understand from her perspective that she's tried making sorts of contact and I haven't initiated anything. Eventually you get tired. Hence why I sent her a text this weekend.

 

I've been trying to follow all the NC advice on here, but I find myself restarting NC a lot and am worried that it just doesn't mean anything anymore...it's almost as if I've been in NC for one week at a time, several times in a row. That's what I was referring to about her nonsensical texts, a question about work, etc. We had been good friends before we got involved, and would love to have that back. It was not a good break up; I tried to convince her, and over-analyzed everything. She wanted to back up the relationship a bit, and I told her basically it was all or nothing...no grey area. There were issues on both sides, and I feel guilty for how I handled things. I always own up to my errors and make amends, but what point can you do that in this situation and not ruin your self-respect or whatever else the NC rules tell you.

 

I'm tired of being stuck on this, but I think about her a lot. I have been moving on with my life and I have things going on. I'm trying to figure out what my mind is telling me versus my heart and my gut...its all jumbled.

[Edmund Exley]

This is common dumpee behaviour and is part of the denial phase. The old "seeing of ones ways and realizing they I must change".

 

If you do get a chance to speak to her, I wouldnt jump right into this. You may want to take on the blame but it takes two to tango.

 

Generally, when someone dumps you for unreasonable behaviour (in this case, always making something out of nothing) generally they have concluded that you will never change and its not worth moving forward with you. Takes a lot of real love and them wanting to be with you to have a chance to undo that. Very rarely happens outside of marriage/very long commitments.

 

I'd tread lightly

[JEastern]

I do my best to keep things light when I talk with her. It definitely takes two to tango, and she has plenty of responsibility in the fall of the relationship. I'm not sure I'd use unreasonable behavior, because the argument we had was about a lack of respect and common courtesy for me and an arrangement we had. She wanted to agree to disagree, and I wanted to discuss by disappointment. I don't feel that's unreasonable behavior. The other arguments we'd get into involved her overreacting to something I would say or do and I'd end up spending a couple hours before bed trying to make it better with her...no apology from her end.

 

For the NC pros, have I invalidated No Contact, or can I still implement it?

[endy]

I do my best to keep things light when I talk with her. It definitely takes two to tango, and she has plenty of responsibility in the fall of the relationship. I'm not sure I'd use unreasonable behavior, because the argument we had was about a lack of respect and common courtesy for me and an arrangement we had. She wanted to agree to disagree, and I wanted to discuss by disappointment. I don't feel that's unreasonable behavior. The other arguments we'd get into involved her overreacting to something I would say or do and I'd end up spending a couple hours before bed trying to make it better with her...no apology from her end.

 

For the NC pros, have I invalidated No Contact, or can I still implement it?

 

Go NC and keep it. You don't need to tell her either. The issue here is you don't see eye to eye on things. I'm going to give you a book to read. Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn. Read it, and I be it improves who you are as a person. I would seriously let go completely before even thinking about contacting her again. I don't think the other arguments always involved her overreacting. Maybe she has a missed perception of what you meant. That book is going to teach you how to speak and act in a very loving manner. She seems she may not be capable of that.

 

If both of you don't change that behavior... If ONE does and ONE doesn't... The relationship will still fail. See where I am going here? She has to notice and own her issues, and the same with you before reconciliation would even be a good idea here IMO. I'de just let go with love and work on you for now.

[JEastern]

Very good point. The hard part is keeping the NC and withholding from responding to communication. I've been inconsistent with the NC, sometimes I respond, other times I don't. It's in my nature not to ignore questions when they are asked.

 

I will check out that book. Thanks for the suggestion.