Help Me Out

[Chris3131]

Fellow ENAers, I need some help.

I'm a somewhat shy guy and have a major crush on this girl at work. I'm 29, she's almost 24. I just got this new job in January and liked her from the moment I saw her. I had no trouble talking to her and was confident at first, then for some reason my shyness took over. It's like I know I like her and want to ask her out, but my confidence isn't there. It's gotten to my head and I want to fix it and ask her out. I want to take a risk, problem is I've gotten so afraid of being rejected from her it's messing with my mind. I talk to her, but sometimes it takes so much courage and I come off like a dork or not a lot of personality when I do (I'm just so nervous inside). It's like high school - and I don't know why I'm like this. Does anybody have any ideas on what I can do to fix this - or fix myself? Yes, I want to ask her out -- but I want to have my confidence there and have a buildup of good conversations with her first. Help me out here...give me some pointers, tips, tricks you guys use or women would like. Women's responses would be helpful too.

[Keyman]

Honestly I think you are working yourself up over very little. I know I have been but I don't consider myself that anymore. We can often rely on that word to make us feel good about what we don't want to or have trouble doing and because we can use it to describe ourselves, we often end up becoming it. I personally don't use it. I like to define myself as confidence and the more I believe I am the less the other thing I have become.

 

The other problem that many people struggle with is that they try to think ahead to what might happen and then deal with it before it happens. Thus you are scared of being rejected and so won't ask her out, when you should be working the other way around. Just ask her out and if she says no, deal with it then. There is no point worrying about what hasn't happened yet - and it hasn't happened and may not happen.

 

Then you are setting your mind on the fact that you like her and that by asking her out you are initiating a possible dating situation and this is causing that 's' word reaction to occur. So, remove the idea from your head of initiating something. And ask her out as a friend. "Hey, I was going to walk accross the road to grab a coffee, wanna come with for the walk?" The focus here is on the coffee and not on the asking her out. You could substitute a number of things into that if she doesn't drink coffee etc... Then you could do it again tomorrow, and the next day and the next day, the soon you have a rapport with her, and potentially in a short time you become friends and can judge if she might be interested in more.

[theproman23]

Chris3131,

 

I feel your pain. I am 27 and I lack the confidence just like yourself. When I step back and think about it what Keyman is saying makes absolute sense but most people don't know the anguish that guys like us go through in these situations. It's easy for people say we are overthinking it but that's how we are and I personally can't seem to help it.

 

But I do agree with Keyman, and I know I am being a hipocrit when I am saying this, but take his suggestion and get a rapport going with her. Focus on the little wins and and like he said get comfortable hanging out with her even if it is for short periods of time. I know it's so hard to get that confidence to be yourself and not question yourself about every little thing you do in front of her but you've gotta go through with it. I wish I could follow this advice but have been in a real rut lately and can't seem to get out of it.

 

I'll share an experience of mine. I've been wanting to ask out this older women, 30, who is divorced and gorgeous and I did do so but in a ridiculously stupid way and end up getting now where with it. Then a few weeks later I was at work and super tired and offered to buy her a coffee while I was getting myself one and she actually took a walk accross the street with me. It felt good to even get that little win and now I'll try it again the next time I talk to her. Granted I am not there yet it was a small win and I am going to try and focus on building on it. The key is don't think of the coffee run as a date or a moment to impress her, think of her as a guy friend and what you would do if you made the coffee run with him and act that way. I know it's easier said than done but you have try it to get over this stupid problem we have.

 

Try getting a few coworkers together for a happy hour and get comfortable hanging out with her in a group surrounding working on getting to know her better. It might provide you with the perfect opportunity to ask her out.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck!!