NC Journal

[flower888]

decided to start a journal here so as not to trouble my friends so much.

i understand i will be experience a lot of mood swings and cycles, and people say writing it down helps to release. so here i go.

day 7 NC

i must pat myself for not contacting him. i did use a small strategy. the last text was i took your silence as you don't want us anymore, take care. so i defined him as the dumper. as a dumpee, i should not do anything.

 

yesterday i called a psychic out of desperation. her reviews are so good i had to call. so expensive, but i didn't mind. money has no much meaning to me now. i will do anything to lessen the pain. she said he will be back, even gave me dates. the weird thing is, i felt less hope than before calling her. it must be because i was afraid of further disappointment. maybe also God's way of making me stop this addiction of calling the psychics.

 

anyhoo, i have no more urge to call psychics, i am glad i had kicked this tendency once and for all.

 

i had stopped crying this afternoon and finally crawled out of bed. i usually feel better the second half of the day and i must remember this.

 

i have tons of questions swimming in my head, but will learn to not pursue the answers. let them come to me, don't force things. i must learn not to force things. i have God, even if i lost everything i have God. i love God, He is so real. i did think that maybe i didn't put God as first priority that is why He has no choice but to take him away from him. i accept, i am not angry. i should put God as first priority. God, i am sorry i was too obsessed with him.

 

i feel that God is so close to me, is amazing. i had never felt this way before. when i wake up, the first thing that comes to my mind is God. like a real relationship. pretty warm feeling. of course, the next thing would be i would remember i am still in the nightmare that he is not in my life.

 

honestly, i don't know how other people could manage a break up without God, i don't know what would become of me. listening to audio bible had helped me to sleep with no problem at all. if i can't sleep, didn't even happen before lol, i could absorb the bible reading.

 

i still love him. losing him makes me realise how much i love him, although i hate to admit. i hope he feels this way too and come back. today i actually felt a tiny tiny bit of hope he will be back, maybe just my wishful thinking. i try not to have hope actually.

[flower888]

feeling no motivation at all, but they said it would get better and recovers. at least i am not crying. i realise crying is therapuetic, i would have a big one and i will better after that. hopefully that was the worst and just many more rounds of that i would get over him. at least not hurting inside. i love him, i wish him well, even if he really chooses to be irresponsible and disappear just like this. i actually feels that he won't, knowing him, but who knows. personally i won't do such a thing. if he does, i am utterly disappointed in his character and that would help me heal faster. 5 years of relationship and intimacy, 5 freaking years, tons of wonderful time. is he human to do such a thing? he is loving even towards his dog, i am a human, a woman he had liked so much before.

 

Dear God, i pray that time will wake him up and make him realise that he loves me and he is doing a very stupid thing now. i pray that time will clear his mind, bring back all our good memories to him, and life is full of joy and meaning when we are together. God please forgive us and let us be together. Amen.

[flower888]

my mood has gone up for no reason, and once my mood goes up i start to feel hopeful.

maybe when his mood goes back to normal his feelings will come back?

is all about mood isn't it?

i decide to give myself a break from the pain this evening, don't think about it and try to enjoy now for myself.

i still have many things to be grateful about, best of all i have God. God is more trustworthy than him and truly loves me.

[flower888]

NC DAY 8:

wow today i feel amazing good! and getting better. i don't think i am clinging onto any hope that had made me feel this way. i start to do my busiess again and i feel my enthusiasm has come back. i don't even think of him and when he creeps into my mind i am not the least disturbed. missed him a little bit here and there, was a sweet feeling, hopefully such event will happen to him too, we were good together.

 

if he doesn't come back, my plans for my future are still worthed being happy about and i look forward.

 

i still love him very very much, at this point of time i only want to be with him, i cherished the good memories we had. sometimes i felt a little anger creeping up, but i know over time i won't be angry at him at all, because i truly love him. so i don't want to allow the anger to grow. i think i had mastered my anger management, i had truly get a good grip and overcome the non-constructive emotion: anger. it is not necessary at all.

 

i should be having pms now, but i feel joy. this is weird. lol. i may stop this journal if i feel joy everyday. i started this because they said writing will help in getting over faster.

[flower888]

NC 9:

back to feeling sad. not in a mess, not crying but sad. triggered by the sound of fireworks ( rehersal) last nite. tonite will be a big challenge. every explosion sound is a stab in my heart. we had a great nite last year on 4th july. if i couild block off the sounds i won't feel so bad. would probably watch a show with headphones.

 

there are moments that i miss him today. yesterday was so great, i didn't even think of him. i know i will recover, just need to ride this out and wait. love him so much. i want to have baby with him if he comes back. he asked me so many times before. i hope i have the chance to tell him yes i want to have your baby. tears stinging my eyes again. don't want to cry, what is the point? it won't bring him back, cannot even let him know i am crying over him. not like he cares. don't know why this could happen, he was the one who wanted to get married all these times. just my luck. still praying to god for my heart's desire.

 

happy 4th july to you if you are reading this.

[flower888]

still feeling sad today. i hope tomorrow i will stop feeling this way. i want to accept that we are over, but it is not easy when the both of us didn't even sit down to confirm it. it is best that i take it that we are over. anyway i don't have the courage to do an official breakup. if given the choice, i will rather do it this way, slowly slowly accept it over time. when we don't contact each other long enough, we would know it is over.

later will watch an interesting movie to get through the night, and then go to bed.

last night dreamed of one actor whom i watched a lot of his shows. he is pretty young but has a very rare disease and would die slowly over 7 to 15 years. i had always felt sad for him. today i found out that he is a christian and feel happy for him that he is saved.

[flower888]

NC 10

not doing too well. even thinking of contacting him to discuss the problem. who am i kidding? i am just desperate. if he is doesn't care enough to initiate the talk, why should i? i had already made known to him i wanted to talk before NC, so i didn't act as if i didn't care. i still have my dignity now, i must make sure i don't throw it away by making move.

 

he doesn't love me. i must pray for courage to accept this and move on. i don't need to hear it from his lips. alll i need is time. two months down the road i would be ok. i would move to another state to start afresh. he will live to regret this. not me.

[flower888]

today i conclude that he is doing this is not because of the reason that i thought to be. i think he simply lost the strong feelings for me, the kick whatever you call it. i read in the forum that many people had this same crap from their fiancee.

 

today i almost stupidly had the urge of wanting to initiate a talk to solve the problem. luckily i woke up by reading other people's thread. there is no problem to solve. he was the one proposing for so long, how could he not see that problem? he just lost the feeling for me suddenly.

 

of course i wouldn't know for sure, whatever it is i am just guessing. but my goal is to move on, i don't want to love him anymore. the best scenerio would be, when he comes back i had already moved on, lost all feelings for him. and then he will regret for life.

[flower888]

NC whatever

today i didn't do well at all, i was in anguish from 9am to 6pm. i was having trouble coping, my thoughts running wild for solutions. and finally i thought of something that may help to resume contact. i emailed my best friend for advice, advices came back that the text sounds good. and suddenly, i shivered. i shivered at the thought of patching back. i shivered at the thought how he would continue to treat me time and again the horrible silent treatment. how cold he turn when he gets upset. how incapable he is to take care of other people's feelings when he is upset. and i had also lost trust in him, he is only good with words, i didn't see much action. yes, he played Romeo well, and sucked me right in. but that was dating, when it comes to real life living, i find living with him impossibly difficult to live with. he doesn't speak what he thinks, he bottles up his negative feelings and i am sure he will walk out one day anyway.

 

i , for the first time, do not want him back. ok, at least i really hesitate big time. never happened to me before. i hope this clarity of thinking will last.

 

i feel liberated, yes i still love him but wanting him back is a different story. i don't see a rosy picture, i feel an unacceptable level of insecurity with him. i think i had lost my trust. he had destroyed it with his repeated " i don't know anymore" and his silent treatment. i shivered to patch up with him, it will just give me the same repeated cycles of heartaches and disappointment. disappointment and confusion how come an adult can act in this way. is it my problem, expecting too much, not being understanding or he is the problem. today, i confirm, he is the problem and i want out. i am sorry, i love you so much, but you have a serious problem, you are toxic. you are near cruel and inconsiderate and irresponsible. you played Romeo and portrayed a good husband image, today i wake up finally and know that it is just an act. when it is too good, it cannot be true. but i don't blame you, i wanted to believe you were like that. but truth is you are not even half way there, a teenager boy could be more compassionate and considerate than you. wow, i am amazed at myself, i only finally accept this today. but i don't blame myself, i am a sucker for romance, you played it well, and you are indeed charming.

 

i am not angry at all, that means the above assessment is made with a clear head. i did pray for wisdom and maybe God had answered my prayer.

[flower888]

New Day

my feelings are still the same as yesterday. praying that i will be like this from now on.

 

i read what i wrote yesterday , like it, still feel this way. do not like what he has to offer, immature and not a man. only pretend to be a man on the outside, and in words. i had taken off my rosy tinted glasses. had analysed this with my best friend. we came with a good conclusion about turning table. if one day he really comes back and the table seems turned, there is no need to be happy. if i do not take him back, and he leaves again, the table will be turned against me again and i may be back to almost square one in terms of pain level. so, do not even hope for him to come back. the best outcome is, no contact forever, from now onwards. i like this conclusion. no desire to get back at him, no desire to see him again or talk again, no desire for him to come back, will only cause more pain. just want my emotion to be stable everyday, and carry on living normally without him. want him out of my life forever. forever and ever and ever.

 

to cope, i will just think of the present and today, will not think beyond that. will not scare myself how empty life ahead is, who knows what will happen. i will focus on my business for now.

[flower888]

Day whatever

today i had made the decision that i am done with you. i won't guess and think about the whys and how to get you back.

i will not make any effort to get you back, you are not worthy.

i want you out of my life and out of my system, and i am equipped with a powerful technique to do that today.

is over between us, you don't deserve me.

i will stop loving you from today onwards. Good bye and i don't want to ever see you again.

[flower888]

day whatever

 

you had finally texted over the weekend, saying how much you miss me. thank you, i am glad that what we had wasn't fake. and you text again to tell me you don't like being apart from me, you missed our time together so much.

 

i am so happy you are not a jerk afterall , you are still a human. i know you will turn cold and distant whenever you have internal struggle, i will not stop loving you because of that. after so many years, would i not understand you and love you despite of that? as long as you truly love me. my limit is you do not cheat and you love me.

 

i hope you will resolve your problem and reunite with me. from this time apart, i had discovered how deep my love is for you. i had always been in doubt could i really spend the rest of my life with you, my answer is yes. if i cannot do it with you, i cannot do it with anybody else. we do not have any serious problem together, and we have a deep connection. the obstacle which you are having now is totally an external factor. yes it could break us apart, but our love may still win ultimately.

 

today i started to watch a very touching old drama. i feel comforted. i watched this drama a few times, before i knew you. i wished one day i could love like that. my wish came true. i had loved as deeply as in the drama. even if we don't end up together, i had loved before for real in real life. wow such an experience, i could die without regret.

 

even if we don't end up together, i could just go back to my previous lifestyle, it wasn't that scary afterall. been there before, it was ok. and this time i am richer than before, i have you in my memory. having just the memory is good too in a way. it won't be as romantic and as sweet if we end up together. reality is totally a different feel. honestly, being together everyday will just kill the high. i won't feel the intensity of how much i love you as i feel it now. such dilemma. but, if i have the choice i would want to be with you, even if it is mundane, than to lose you totally.

 

my best friend doesn't like you anymore, she said you give too much trouble, she doesn't support us anymore. i have no one to support us anymore, i only have myself. i won't contact you anymore. i will leave this place when i have to. if it is true love between us, we will find each other again some day.

[flower888]

i decided to continue to write this journey. i just moved to a new state, is a new beginning, but instead of feeling sad i feel so happy

i just got my new apt, and made friends with the management staffs there. they are sooo nice to talk to, esp this girl who attended to me, i will call her R. she is so sunny and jovial, full of positive energy that is contagious. she stays there too and she will be showing me her dog and we will be doing lunch. yay my first friend. well, i hope this friendship will blosom. of course, i am not desperate or anything, i will be joining other activities and making more friends. wow i feel a lift and feel "life opening up"! i feel depression going away once i start to make friends.

 

i had been having some anxiety and slight depression issues, i think they will go away without drug by good diet and making more new friends. and must be positive people, not people who are negatives and always lamenting how horrible their lives are, or complaining about their boyfriends and husbands or kids or jobs. i have had enough of these people. i mean you can complain once in a while, but not ALL the time, it really sucks the energy out of me and make me ONE of them. i don't want to be like them. so far i had created the life i wanted, especially in work area. i left my office job because i hated it, and created my own business. i can't stand people who are stuck in a job they hate and continue to be stuck there and complain about it for the rest of their life. you hate something, you leave. what is so difficult? i don't understand, i am not going to make friends with these people. they drag me down.

 

after i fixed my minor health issues, i may look into starting a new part time job to just mix with nice positive people. feel like going back to the cosmetic industry. hopefully i can do it a few hours a week, it will make me happy! i hope there is such an opportunity. i am not doing it for money, is to meet wonderful people like R. she reminds me how attractive a person would be if he/she is happy and positive. i feel that i am naturally the "sun" type too, just that i got dragged down by circumstances and negative people. i remember during school days, i was the "sun" in class, not those timid mouse type who hides in the background. boy, i need to become myself again.

 

my guy is back although we are not together now physically, but i know he loves me for real. he asked to reconcil and he was crying so much that night. he said he couldn't live without me, the same way i feel for him although i didn't tell him. i love him so much but i must learn not to be obsessed with him. to be dependent on a man is a sure formula to hell. even if i am i must pretend on surface i am not. other people ALWAYS let you down, no matter who, at least this was my life experience. i mean, i let people down too. i had learnt to let go of all expectation, and try my best to take care of myself in all areas. is not easy becos i don't have the best of health, but improvement is always possible. knowledge is power. re-program my subconscious mind and i could do anything! this break had taught me alot.

 

lost my best friend during this break, hell, i will try to get over it and get new ones. cannot accept her husband anymore, such a downer. unbelievable ! i hope she will have the courage to divorce and start life afresh instead of withering everyday. is crazy.... ok ok, i shouldn't start talking about her if not i get dragged down again. this is what i mean by negative people.

 

my sweetheart is so into me now again, i am so happy and alive. this is true love. i am so glad i have the chance to experience it in my lifetime. love you, forever. i don't know why i just want to take care of you if you ever need me. i am not someone who likes to take care of people but i love taking care of you, i know this is love. i know we met too late, but never mind, better than a lot of people who had no chance to taste true love, or no courage. life is meaningless without you, without love. life is just going thru motions and a pretence without you, without love. i can be so successful, earn so much money, but everything doesn't mean much without you. i shouldn't be like this but i couldn't help it. this is so dangerous i know. i don't know how to break free from you. luckily you feel the same way. Perhaps God really knows that it is beyond what i can take to lose you. seriously i wanted to die if you didn't come back. i didn't tell you this, i never will, and i was so glad you said the same thing to me. an egoistic man like you, showing me such weakness, i knew from that moment you love me as much as i love you.

 

i still want to draw closer to God, it is not easy but i know this is what i "should" do. it was not easy to be close to god when i was feeling such extreme sadness. no matter what i had never cease praying. i want to learn to depend on God, and not man. I need a really powerful and faithful being to support me, and that is definitely not a man, only God is faithful. i always feel that my love to you is "sinful", at least not right. i need to make God my number one priority, and then i won't fear anymore.

 

anyway, i am very lifted up today.

[flower888]

things are still moving in a good direction and i am feel happy everyday although we are not physically together now.

he is so miserable without me now and i am happy to see him miserable. it proves that he loves me.

he is really a man with feelings, not some jerk that just go for the body. these five years was real.

i thank god for giving back to me, i think god knows that i will kill myself if he doesn't come back.

he is the only reason worth living on this earth for me. i have no friends, and my brothers don't give a damn about me, like we are not related. only my mom cares for me. my dad only cares about himself, that is fine, it is not wrong to be selfish. just now, i had turned into a very selfish person too, because i had made efforts to love my friends and got nothing in return. nothing surprising, i had seen much worst in how my uncles and aunties treated my late grandma. i had seen human nature, learnt my lesson and thoroughly jaded. i believe not everyone is so unlucky like me, i am happy for other people who had better genes than my family. my family line is smart, but cold blooded. even if i have kids, i will get no reward in return, only heart breaks. ha ha, i am glad i am smart enough to know this beforehand, so that i don't waste my effort in having kids, to break my heart later. project of big loss. i would be reduced to nothing if i had spent my time raising kids. now i have my own growing business, my business is my baby, every effort i put in i will be fully rewardsed. so satisfying, so in control, so worth it. not like kids. they just suck you dry, what is the point? not for someone like me who has my father's blood.

[flower888]

feel down today, i suspect it was due to my hormone imbalance. so i decided not to stop the P supplement. it really works wonder, my blood loss is now only a third. i feel more normal physically.

 

been let down again, by people. surprise surprise, ha ha. in real life, and now online, i should had known there would be no difference online or in real life. when they needed my advice, they wrote to me first begging for my advice. i gave my best, spent hours counselling them, connecting with them. now they feel stronger, i feel a bit emotional today, hope to get a reply from them, kinda hoping to do a bit of chit chat. no, they didn't bother to reply me, * * * . i thought they were busy, then i saw them writing on threads. nice. people. lesson learned. don't ever spend time counselling people again. nobody cares about you when you need only some kind words. * * * .

 

my guy still loves me and into me. he didn't even get to see me and sleep with me all this time, but he is so emotionally involved with me. now i know he really has real feelings for me. at last some consolation in life. only when a man loves you, this type of feelings is at least something that makes life worth while. friends? ha! give me a break, they are all fake, cannot be trusted at all. just lose a temper one time on them and they are gone. they are gone even when you didn't lose your temper. but my guy will always come back, or rather, if the guy loves you. forget about friends, a dog will do much better.

 

is so freaking sad. i am beginning to hate people. nobody cares about me except my mother and the two men who loves me. when i die, i will burn all my money instead of giving to anyone. no one is kind to me, i will be kind to no one.

[flower888]

haven't been writing for about 6 months. in short summary, this is what had happened.

 

in january, i could feel my anxiety getting worse, i felt weak physically and i didn't dare to go far, agrophobia they call it. i gave up trying to fight it with supplement, i went straight to the doctor and started on a low dose of anti depressant anti anxiety drug, lexapro. i did this because i took this before ten years ago and felt good. just after two weeks, i felt the difference. wow. all the gloom and doom thoughts disappear, i felt stronger physically, i could go far.

 

today, i felt so much more normal, physically. the worrisome thoughts are to a minimum, i enjoy going out, i don't get drained as easily. the p supplement also works, iron level went back to normal too. i thank God for answering my prayer. ten years of weakness, finally, i feel back to normal. now i feel more confident if i get together with him. i have more to offer, i don't feel like a burden, i feel happy and healthy, with whatever i have now.

 

i read my previous post, i still feel the same towards people and friends. i don't make new friends, not in real life or online anymore. they never last, especially online. losing my best friend changes my total outlook towards friends and people. i hate her, i don't hate her as a person, but i hate the reality she brought to me. before her, i already had lost hope in friends, but thought that i still had her, she was my last hope and i was glad there was still hope in life. my hope here refers to friendship. i am someone who love friendship. but now even she had turned her back on me, i don't care about anyone anymore. i only care about my mother, and the two men in my life.

 

i don't understand how my girlfriends could all be so cold blooded. but i don't care anymore, and i feel liberated. i had learned to depend on myself more, and on God. thank God that i make enough money easily, that is one of the best blessing God had given me. and now, He blessed my healthy. all these basic needs are resolved, what else could i ask for? of course, it would be best if i could achieve love, and i believe He will give it to me too.

 

all is still well between me and my guy. i believe God is in control.

 

i still read other people's threads here once in a while, i don't hate anyone here, although i don't make friends anymore. i don't make friends because i know it won't last, and i wanted it to last, but i know it won't, so i don't use my emotions on people anymore, not because i hate people. i know i am withdrawn from people, but i am feeling happy and ok, i know i am not eccentric, i know my own reasons. i had reached the state that i don't even want to explain or connect. can't be bothered. i am happy doing my own things. inner peace. i must admit i only have this inner peace now because he loves me. if he leaves me, i will still die. and God knows. i know God knows, if God is real. So God won't let it happen because God loves me.

 

just read "The Secret" thread, it turned into a quarrel, nothing new. is just not worth posting anything, it will just turn sour. backfires.

 

i miss my best friend, but i hate her more. i hate her so much, because i loved her so much before. i hate her so much for leaving me, that i dumped her too on my side.

[flower888]

i am sorry, my entries seem so negative. but my original personality was not like this. i used to be very bubbly, i still am, and i used to have many friends. but as we grow up, eveyone is busy with her own life, and no one cares for no one anymore. i didn't choose to be so negative to people, i had been positive, warm and caring, and got nothing back in return. i am no longer bitter though, like i said, i had learned to be happy given this reality. just that a lot of my loving nature is numbed out.