What is the answer?

[Mix Maxster]

Hey everyone,

 

I thought I'd shoot out some questions and see what everyone else can come up with. Ok say you were dumped by someone and the only things they were telling you when they broke up with you was "It's not you it's me" or "I didn't come easy" or basically things which suggest they did it for the right reasons but are not saying what the right reasons ARE.

 

So say if one day, 4 months down the road say, you just call them up out of the blue and ask them point blank "Is there any way you would reconsider getting back together with me" and they respond with "No, I made my decision and I'm sticking to it." and you responded with "Well if that's true, what caused you to make your decision? what were your reasons?" and they respond with "I don't know" or something which suggests them NOT wanting to discuss their reasons, what does that mean? Anything? or would you think it means that they just lost attraction and couldn't figure out why they didn't.

 

Ok so before you start answering the question I didn't ask - is this about me? - think about the other questions I asked please because this is in NO WAY about me. I'm just curious to know what people think about those kinds of situations BECAUSE I'm guessing if a lot of us asked our exes, they wouldn't tell us why. Why is that? Can someone explain why someone who says they DON'T want to get back together with you WON'T EVEN TELL YOU WHY THEY DON'T want to. See what I'm saying?

 

And before people start responding with "it's used to control you." or "keep you in their life so you can't move on." or something similar to that, think for a second what else it could mean. Could it mean that they don't want to say it because they're hoping you'd figure it out on your own - genuine. Or would they not tell you because they're unsure themselves if it IS the right reason and so they don't want to tell you in case they changed their mind.

 

What do you all think?

[crushed soul]

Well, having been through this recently and only getting a letter saying goodbye with vague reasons...I can honestly say that most people who do that are cowards and for the most part, the reasons they are leaving you are very weak ones and they are hiding something from you. They do not want you to know something.

Of course, some people may want you to figure the reasons out on your own, but that is incredibly rare.

 

Think about putting yourself in their shoes..let's say someone asks you a favour and you know you could do it, but you choose not to. You end up making an excuse why you can't do it.

When they ask you point blank what the real reasons are you won't do it, you may find yourself being very vague and ambigous to hide the real facts...that you may not be helping them for purely selfish reasons.

 

People are by and large, liars.

I was told she needed to "find herself" and to "fix things" blah blah..but that she would always love me and wished me well in life.

I know that her reasons are a load of crap..but she made sure to make herself scarce so I would never know the real truth because she knows I would ask her what the *REAL REASONS* are. And she is not prepared to give them obviously..

It's a sick game people do..they don't want to "burn their bridges"..but end up screwing your head because you never know the real truth..and you can never attain true closure without the truth. You'll always wonder..and I feel that is the epitome of cruelty to another.

So, that's my two cents..

[sisterlynch]

One of the biggest differences between men and women is that of communication style. There are a lot of indirect talkers and a lot of direct talkers on both sides. Some people just have a lot of trouble making up their minds, such as the person that you are talking about.

 

I assume that person just didn't want the same sorts of things in a relationship that you did, hypothetically speaking. She was looking for another sort of person. Someone like her dad or mom, most likely.

 

We all want someone that will seem real familiar to us when things are going well and not so well.

 

The biggest thing in life is learning boundaries, which are invisible barriers between you and the next person. These are normally taught to us in childhood, so we pretty much go with the flow until we find someone who is upset for some unknown reason and it is normally a boundary issue.

 

Someone did something unexpectedly and violated an unspoken rule. Unspoken rules can only be explained under special circimstances, and for those circumstances to occur, I need some more concrete information to look into my crystal ball and see what caused her to ruffle her feathers.

[Mix Maxster]

SO these are pretty good,

 

But then I ask you another point (others keep providing answers to the first set of questions) if this isn't part of who they were in the past, what would bring it up now? I mean perhaps they changed all of a sudden, but if this wasn't a part of who they were in the past why start now?

 

Excellent stuff all the same, keep it coming.

[Mix Maxster]

I guess no one else can think of anything to add to it??

[shockeddismayed]

Well Mix,

 

We are all speculating here... so I'll give my go: My view is that in many cases, when someone breaks up with someone else who treated them well, they don't want to give the real reasons, for fear of hurting them. If you were needy, or didn't give them space, or too depressed all the time, or they lost attraction, or, or, or.....

 

Point is they MUST have a reason (even if they can't verbalize it) and may never tell you because they've already hurt you enough.

 

But a few points:

1) In the end, it is sometimes better not to know. Afterall, whatever the "deficit" they saw, may be exactly what someone else is looking for (ie for every person that might see someone as needy, another would see the same person as affectionate, etc). That is what makes the world go round, and allows us all (eventually) to MATCH with someone else.

 

2) I totally disagree with the other poster who says that you can never have closure if you don't know why they broke up. HOGWASH. Your closure needs to come from inside... it needs to come from you. Why would you let someone else's reason be your own closure? Why not just say "hey this person didn't appreciate x and y in me... I want someone who does". Bam... you have YOUR closure.

 

I think it is dangerous to internalize someone else's reason to end things... certainly there are things to learn in relationships... but they are learned by the way you interact in a number of relationships over time... your behaviour in one relationship is heavily influenced by the other person, so why beat yourself up? For example, you might be really argumentative with one person, and never ever fight with another. Learn about yourself from the trends and not from ONE INDIVIDUAL's perspective.

 

In the end, part of letting go is NOT CARING what the other person thinks about you... knowing yourself what you do and do not need to work on and what you need in order to be in a healthy, happy relationship.

 

Just my two cents.

[Mix Maxster]

Some excellent points in there, but I would like to add something. The point of wondering their reasons for them dumping you is that maybe there is something YOU didn't know about yourself. I mean I don't want it to sound like you think there's some kind of fault that perhaps you don't know about and that you want to find out to change as change should only come for the better for yourself and not just one other person. When they say you can't get closure without them telling you everything you need to hear, it's because there's something you're not sure you do or do not know and as I said you want to know so you don't repeat the problem in the future as it may happen all over again. Basically it's better to figure out what caused the problem than to forever say to yourself when someone dumps you "what am I doing wrong?!?!?"

 

The way I see it, when you ask your ex their reasons for leaving you and why they don't want to come back, you want to know this so that you know what you should regard for the future so the same mistakes are not repeated. Although I agree with your concept - that what isn't good enough for one may be good enough for another - as I feel that holds water in a lot of cases, but I also know that if you feel like you are on the same level as they are on some of their reasons, that maybe all is not lost.

 

Say for example you felt you were getting lazy or you weren't communicating well or felt you were starting to get depressed and you knew it would bug your bf/gf at the time, but before you had the chance to do anything your ex just up and left and said they didn't love you anymore and wouldn't tell you why they don't. Almost as if you feel that it could be fixed, but they're not giving you the chance to know WHAT to fix if you see what I'm saying.

 

I guess from my standpoint I think that it's different in most cases, but if you stop and think about it... if they spent x amount of months thinking about it and worrying about it and then coming to the conclusion, but then telling themselves "NO, don't say that. You love 'em", over and over again wouldn't you think that it would look like their reasons or what they thought was right for dumping you, would be in vain? Almost as if all those months spent coming to feel that way would be for nothing because they would feel so foolish for not trying to talk it out first?

 

Far-fetched? Yes and maybe it's a bit much, but it does put an interesting spin on things and I know this kind of thought makes it sound like you're trying to find reason or hope, but then again it's the same as trying to find reasons or creating reasons to make sure there IS NO hope. The only difference is one is viewed as being negative and one is viewed as being positive, guess which one?

 

Anyone else out there have any thoughts?

[shockeddismayed]

I hear you Mix...

 

It is important to know what went wrong... but one failed relationship does not make a trend. What is important is the trend.

 

If you look back over time at your other relationships, you may see a thread.... talk to your closest friend..... ask them to be totally candid with you... ask them if they see anything in you that contributed to the breakup.

 

I guess what I am saying is that if you really want to know (and can't figure it out on your own... which is the VERY best), it is best to come from a third party you trust. Hearing it from the EX who just dumped your butt... and for that matter is reacting on anger and frustration, it likely to open up more wounds.

 

One other point... if there was something obvious... like you had a bad temper and the two of you argued poorly (there is a constructive way to argue) then your EX would tell you... it is something they wouldn't be afraid to say, b/c it is something they probably think you already know.

 

If they keep silent one possibility is that they just don't know why they lost feelings... the other is that there is someone else and they don't want you to know... the other is that the reason is something that would hurt you, and they just don't want to say it... to avoid your hurt... or to avoid feeling petty themselves.

 

Seriously.... if they really resist telling you, it is best to find closure elsewhere.

 

My unsolicited two cents.

[crushed soul]

What I said was hardly hogwash. But I know that others reading it will understand that without me having to explain why...