kaboom1218 Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 DeeBee just posted something so similar to what I am posting that it's spooky. Maybe a sign of the times that death is on a lot of minds. I have been doing pretty well w/NC since the ex and I split and haven't shown too many signs of weakness, ie. not contacting him when I wanted to. But for some reason, the "life is too short, what would I do/feel if something awful happened to him before we ever speak again?" thoughts keeps pervading my mind. Thoughts like these, make me want to push my pride aside and call, but is that just being morbid or pessimistic? The reality is that most of the time, nothing major happens to our exes in the interim and speculating about a small percentage of likelihood that they will pass on does seem a bit extreme and almost like graspin at straws for a reason to contact them. But for those that do pass on before they have resolved issues with loved ones, this is a very scary, disettling thought. It does seem to happen that those that are close to us may pass before we get to say a final "I love you" or really tell them how special/important they are to us. But that seems slightly different from someone you have been out of contact with for a while and purposely tried to stay away from. It's still not enough to make me call or reach out, but one day it might be. The flip side is that do they have similar thoughts? If so, it's not enough to compel them to contact us, so we're both in the same boat waiting on the other, but neither is willing to do anything. Anyone else have similar thoughts or suggestions on how to process these thoughts? Peace, 'boom Link to comment
Mun Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 I received a phone call awhile back in which he said " I worry about you alot....I'm glad to know you are still alive." Funny but I hadn't thought much about it until now.( I was doing NC very strictly ) I guess the thought of something happening to the other person ( and never seeing them again) is a bit common. Link to comment
auburnslp Posted August 17, 2004 Share Posted August 17, 2004 funny, but the thought of a dead ex kind of brings a smile to my face... I'm joking, for the most part. What all this says to me is that you are not ready to let go. Your mind and heart are playing dramatic tricks on your strength and resolve, to the point where now you are considering breaking NC due to a very unlikely and desperate reason. All the other reasons you have played through and beaten...this one I would think is the last desperate reason...the ultimate "what if?"... You may not agree with or appreciate my thoughts on this, but I am a direct guy. Listen, there will always be a reason to contact him if you allow yourself to consider those reasons. It is really a matter of how devoted you are to realizing it is over. If you feel there is a chance and you want to explore it, then do so. If you know it is over, then let go. If you want a closure, then do that, send that last letter, make that last call, but do it in a healthy way. Without hopes...just a gesture to say goodbye, to say those last things and then move on. Allowing yourself to come up with reasons to keep it alive, keep contact...and maybe hoping for more...well that might never end. Honestly, right now if my ex died, I would not even be at the funeral. It's only been about a month of total no contact, yet about 4 months since the breakup, and I truly never, ever want to see her or hear from her again. In life or death. No anger, just resignation to the fact that she screwed me over really big, and that there are so many women out there that may one day truly love me, and never hurt me like this. We all deserve better. I hope this opinion does not anger you. It is just that...an opinion...take it or leave it. But this much I can tell you...and I believe this is fact, not opinion...but while you are at the stage of wanting to contact the ex, for whatever reason at all, you are still at the stage where you have not truly let go. And I'll also tell you this...when the day comes that you truly don't want to contact the ex, you will be amazed at the liberating feeling, and the renewed hopes and dreams, and the so much more healthy outlook on life that you will achieve. Good luck to you...do whatever you feel is truly right, and no matter what that is, you will have my support in it, as well as my hopes and prayers...Michael Link to comment
kaboom1218 Posted August 17, 2004 Author Share Posted August 17, 2004 Thanks for the responses. Muneca, yes, I know it's common to have those feelings, we are human, but it's really the only reason, other than his daughter (read earlier posts), that make me really consider contacting him. Of course, I miss him and would like to see him again, but my self-control is pretty strong in general. It's unfortunate, but anticipating and considering the worst case scenario sometimes happens. I just wish I didn't care, but I do. Deaths of strangers impact me, so of course anyone I know raises the level. As for you Auburnslp, you represent the other half. You really mean to tell me that if you heard your ex died today you wouldn't be the least bit devastated or upset? Are you really being honest? Because, although my ex hurt me, I would have a fit if I knew I could never see him again in any way shape or form. Also, if you do mean it, it sounds like it is because your ex hurt you and committed far worse crimes against you than mine. And I don't take offense to your post. Actually, it has some truth to it, but I'm not as attached to him as it may seem. Just moreso to someone I cared about who will always have a special place, but is not someone I can see myself with. There's a difference. Caring doesn't mean compromising who you are and giving power. It just shows your human and vulnerable side. If that didn't exist, none of us would be here. If you are a believer in fate and destiny, as I am, than you should be at peace at letting the chips fall where they may. But I would hate to just one day look up and have let fate totally control a decision I would gravely(no pun intended!) regret. Other thoughts welcome. Peace, 'Boom Link to comment
auburnslp Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 well written, well said... And to reply...yes. If I learned of her death today, of course I would be sad, but not in any way devastated... Here's the thing...if one of my friends or loved ones died today, I would experience the normal grieving process. I would miss them terribly. I would cry, I would do whatever I could for those left behind. Please do not mistake this post for a lack of heart, or emotion. I have both, in droves. The truth of the matter is that now, my ex is a stranger to me. I passed her in the car yesterday, and neither of us waved. It has been her choice, one which I will finally totally respect, for us to be strangers. And in that, to give any more of my heart to her than I would to a stranger would be a disservice to me. Here's our difference...I do not want to see or hear from her, ever, ever again. I wonder if you can say the same. And there is where our difference truly lies in this issue... She will always have a special place for me, a time of my life...and so much was good, almost all. My willingness to let go and move on completely...to respect the fact that she wants to move on, does not in any way, shape, or form mean that I don't have the capacity to care and love...as a matter of fact, I hope she is happy in her choice...but because that choice hurt me, and totally omits me from her life, I am now completely and willing and able to consider her nothing more than a stranger to me... That chapter in my life is closed. Looking back does far more harm than good. I have no choice other than to look forward. I hope she lives a long, happy life. But truth, I am out of it, so I will not waste a second more in concern over it...I have so many other important things to focus on now...kids, work, and finding someone maybe one day that will love me back... You contradicted yourself in your reply. You wrote that you believe in fate, but yet that you would hate to one day allow fate to occur without your intervention, your control somewhat in the outcome. I still hold fast to the belief that this is your heart trying to interfere with what you want to achieve...and once again...I will say, do what you feel is right. There is no right and wrong in this time...mistakes will be made...futile efforts, possibly successful ones...but all of it serves a purpose, and it all needs to be done. Again, good luck, and I will wish the absolute best for you...Michael Link to comment
kaboom1218 Posted August 18, 2004 Author Share Posted August 18, 2004 I guess my biggest struggle is between whether to just "go with the flow" or to take some control of destiny and make some decisions myself. That's what I meant. While I do believe in fate, doesn't mean I will always let it rule my life. And my point moreso was that some folks would be at peace with not ever talking to their ex again if fate dictated that, but I can not take that approach as easily. I choose my words very carefully as not to contradict myself, but I guess interpretations can vary... I keep chancing upon similar posts today, but the following from Digly D kind of fell into my lap and is the exact situation to which I referred. One where either you or your ex has a death or near-death experience and how that puts things into perspective. link removed And I'm sure there would be very few of us who wouldn't break NC if we knew that today was either our or our exes last. Phones would be ringing off the hook!!! But I digress... As I said, I am not tryin' to focus on the negative or morbid, but know that death is a fundamental part of life that we all must accept, but having to cope with it with unresolved issues lingering around makes it worse. And this doesn't just apply to exes, but other loved ones we've lost touch with. It's just my ex is one of the few folks that I care about that I don't have contact with. And wanting to talk to him periodically to me isn't the biggest infraction. But I am still trying to let him come to me. And the ex did open the door recently, so it's not like I'm clinging to thin air. And he does have a daughter that I've bonded with, which makes it that much more difficult. I think we can at least keep in touch one day when we are both ready. Not sure if you've had any contact w/your ex, Auburn, but when that does happen that makes it that much more difficult. This post was more to discuss my feelings and find out others' perspectives, not so much to decide what I will do or act upon my thoughts. But whatever we decide, I think we need to make sure we focus and appreciate those that are important in our lives and deserving of that much concern and not let our exes take too much of that attention away. I will remain strong and let time do the telling as long as possible. Thanks again for the advice and well wishes! Peace, 'Boom Link to comment
auburnslp Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 good points. You raised a tough question for me, even in my resolve...even in the desire to never see her or hear from her again... What f I learned today that she was dying? Or would die today? That's tough. Gosh, I have thought long and hard on that one, what would I do? I guess the answer is I would call her or go see her. Not because I have anything more to say at all to her regarding our past, but because I would want to tell her that I would help out in any way I could, and later, help in any way I could with the kids. See, I have already said all the things now that needed to be said. She knows I love her, she knows I will miss her, and I said goodbye. And good luck. So there is absolutely no need for further closure. I guess if people have not achieved that kind of closure, it wouldn't be a bad idea to do so, in case, as this thread suggests, they never get the chance to do so. That would possibly lead to serious regret...so I guess if attaining that closure is the only reason, and not holding on to hope by having contact in the first place, when all hope is gone, then it is probably a healthy thing to do. So I guess to sum it up for my situation at least...if my ex died today, and I had no prior knowledge of it, I wouldn't have regret for never talking to her again, because I did say everything already that I needed to. But if I found out somehow it was going to happen, I would probably see her one last time. To say goodbye and try to reassure her that I would help with everything. Weird. Wouldn't have thought about that...but I guess that would be now the only reason I would ever contact her again. Dang...personally I hope I don't find out beforehand... Thanks for raising the level of awareness on this issue, for me included. I think it is a valid point for folks to consider... Be well and happy...Michael Link to comment
deebee Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 I think my dream may have reflected the guilt I felt about 'killing' the feelings I had for her, as part of the healing process. Probably! Who knows, the sub-conscience is a strange thing. With a bigger perspective (such as if either of us were to die or get seriously ill), any differences between us pale in to insignificance. But then I was the dumpee so I will have a different perspective on it to my ex. I haven't seen or spoken to her for over three and a half months, so in a way she is 'dead'. These feelings could also be a result of idealising the relationship and the ex after the split. It hurts to realise how you should have behaved, or need to change only AFTER the end of the relationship which once gave you so much joy. Life has a way of teaching you things! Link to comment
auburnslp Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 yes life is funny that way in what it can teach us after the fact, after the pain. But that's life, and each lesson learned shapes us into the people we are today... Link to comment
kaboom1218 Posted August 18, 2004 Author Share Posted August 18, 2004 True, Auburn and Deebee, but I don't want this to be one of the lessons I learn after the fact because pride/self-preservation got in the way. DeeBee, didn't your dream cause you to want to call your ex? I know that it would for me, especially since dreams can be foreboding sometimes, but my circumstances might be different. If you know she wouldn't respond, then it would be futile. Anyhow, I'm not anymore decided about what to do and would rather not have yet another past relationship angle to analyze, but I guess it's better to do it now and get it over with then to keep mulling it over. It does help to hear others' perspectives in remaining strong. The one thing I know for sure is that if I do decide to contact him, it will be when I'm ready and when my ego wouldn't be bruised if he didn't respond at all, which would make me regret caring about him enough to check on him in the first place. That's where the struggle lies...they chose to not be in our lives, so if something bad happens there is really nothing more we could have done. But that still won't make it easier to cope with knowing so much time had passed in between when we talked and we missed out on an opportunity to connect with them again, because we don't know what their circumstances are. We can assume they don't want to talk to us, but we won't know until we find out. This is all very random, but writing out the thoughts also helps. So, anymore feedback is welcome. I guess another struggle is coming to terms with the only 2 reasons, other than missing him, that would cause me to contact him again. But it also helps that I really don't see us together as a couple, but he's still someone I would like to keep in touch with periodically. I almost wish he had done something horrible enuf for it to be easy to cut him off, but he didn't. Well, I hope everyone else is coping alright. I just need to continue focusing my energies elsewhere until I decide. Peace, 'boom Link to comment
Mun Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Sometimes, when you wait -- until you are doing well emotionally-- you find out that you don't want to call them anymore. Link to comment
kaboom1218 Posted August 19, 2004 Author Share Posted August 19, 2004 True, Muneca. I hope that day comes, but doubt it. Feel like some part of me will always care and wonder is he's ok. But luckily I'm not that pressed at the moment. And hopefully in time it will be only a passing thought and not something on which I'll want to act. Thanks for everyone's input! Feel free to add more... 8) Peace, 'boom Link to comment
deebee Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Hi kaboom1218, yes I did want to call my ex after dreaming she had died. But I put myself in her place and realised that calling her out of the blue like that would have appeared strange. This imaginary event had happened in a dream and upset me, but it didn't have a direct bearing on real life. I hadn't contacted her for three months during all the real and painful times I went through after the break up, so why now when I had a bad dream about her?! I got over it...you will too! Link to comment
kaboom1218 Posted August 23, 2004 Author Share Posted August 23, 2004 Man...my mind must be tryin' to play tricks on me! Should have known it would only be a matter of time until I had a similar "death" dream of my own. So, low and behold, I had a dream on Sat. about a few of my closest friends being shot at and of course, my ex was the only one hit. Can't recall if he died or not, but the feelings this incident caused were really mournful and regretful. Details of dreams are always so fuzzy if you remember at all, but I do remember feeling awful because we hadn't seen each other in a while and I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to him before he got hurt. But, when I woke up and got back to reality, I'm proud to say, I was relieved it was only a dream, but didn't call him, although I was tempted. So, DeeBee, as you said, I still stayed strong even after having the initial thoughts and an actual dream! I'm just tryin' not to think of this as a sign... Like you said, calling out the blue about some weird dream you had, might be considered strange, although, as Dragonslayer said in response to your post, it would show at least you were concerned. Even though it might either freak them out or fall upon deaf ears as he said his ex cursed him out when he called her after having his dream about her. Either way, I probably wouldn't mention the dream to him if I talked to him, because he probably would think it was an excuse to call. But my ex and I are at least on speaking terms which makes a difference; don't know the circumstances of your situations. So I've decided, that if I do make one last attempt to contact him, it will be around his daughter's birthday and I will call to wish her happy birthday. Well, hopefully I will only continue to rise and not backslide into the moments of uncertainty and doubt. Peace, 'Boom Link to comment
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