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I stood up for myself, now im second guessing


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Some of you may remember my thread in the relationship forum about my 4 year girlfriend never making any time for me. We planned a life together. I was going to move to the US with her, and we were going to get married. She convinced me that it would be best for us, as she didn't like my country. I filled out all of the paperwork, including hers, and got everything ready about 5 months ago. All she had to do was take it to Kinkos, print it, and mail it in. She didn't show any interest in completing it. When we were physically together 3 weeks ago, I asked her if we could spend one night getting everything printed out and put together. I worked on it by myself while she played on facebook/lady gaga websites.


She stopped showing any interest in being with me a few months ago. She'd never make time for me, it was always some excuse about work, or her friends. I was starting to hate the way I was being treated. I emailed her last night and stood up for myself. I told her that if she didn't plan on making any changes, or trying to make it better, that she had better just let me go in peace, and let me live my life. She didn't reply to my email all day. I came home and I called her a few times, and sent two more emails, trying to get something from her, but she didn't answer. I checked her facebook, which said, "Freshly dumped, but I didn't love him that much anyway." That really hurt me. It really broke my heart. I read everything I've been trying to make myself not believe for the last year.


My problem is that I'm second guessing myself constantly. We had a life planned together. I keep thinking about what life is going to be like without fulfilling those plans. I keep thinking about the things that I won't have with her anymore. All of our old traditions and memories, now gone. I keep questioning whether or not I did the right thing. What do i do?

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I checked her facebook, which said, "Freshly dumped, but I didn't love him that much anyway."


You did the right thing.


Allow yourself to grieve the end of this relationship, for as long as you need to, and then begin to look forward again, to finding someone who doesn't do something so childish and disrespectful.

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While your method of delivery should have been a conversation rather than an email and you shouldn't give ultimatums, it sounds to me like she's acting like a spoiled brat. What she's doing is calling your bluff in order to manipulate you. Were she an adult who was participating in taking this relationship to the next level she would have spoken with you about your concerns and worked out a resolution that you could both live with. Instead you got a public "FINE! I didn't care about you anyway!"


Don't second guess yourself. If she doesn't make time for you and isn't filling out paperwork to help take your relationship to the next step, then she's not someone that has the same goals as you do. I don't think you shouldn't have done what you did. I think you were understandably frustrated and had a valid concern. Just because she's throwing a tantrum and saying mean things about you doesn't mean you should regret saying anything. What were you supposed to do? Put up with her continued self-absorption and inaction?


I think you didn't expect her to call your bluff and now you're panicking. She wants you to panic, though. Does that sound like the actions of someone who loves you? I think you should leave things as they are and not try to get her back. Be strong and do not chase her and try to get her back. Instead, cease contact and let her live with the results of her tantrum. She's ridiculous.

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Thanks for the replies, girls. I appreciate all of your input. The more support I have, the better


I agree with you Cadence. I think I really didn't expect her to call my bluff. I think I definitely expected her to fight me for it. But of course, I'm going to miss her, and think about what we had/could of had... but then at the same time, reality kinda checks in and lets me know that I didn't really have anything with this girl, at all. I played such a minuscule role in her life as is, that she was clearly just barely doing what she had to do to keep me around.


I know I shouldn't have given her an ultimatum, but I practically begged her to change for 6 months. To give me a bigger role in her life. We never spoke on the phone, webcammed maybe once a month, were never intimate long distance, etc. It was pretty much NOT a relationship.


I seem to be pretty sick to my stomach with anxiety over the whole thing. I threw up yesterday just thinking about it, and I seem to have "other" digestive problems as well. I hope it gets better soon.

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Jebas... she didn't even bother to talk to you but just broke up with you on Facebook for the world to see?


It goes without saying, you're better off this way. Someone who has that little regard for your feelings, and who doesn't even respect you enough to talk things out but just made the breakup official on Facebook is not the type of person you would want to spend your life with. You might miss her now, but eventually you're going to meet someone who's going to return your feelings and efforts, and you'll wonder why you ever pined over this girl.


The first week or so is the worst, but it will pass. Just focus on the negative aspects of your relationship with her, and don't put her on a pedestal. She doesn't deserve it.

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