14 years, 3 children... almost had it all

[BrokenM4n]

Hi all, have just discovered this forum and have found some comfort at last by seeing how many people go through the same thing.

 

I have posted a few times and so thought i should give my full story so others know where I’m coming from...

 

On and off since the tender age of 14. Got together at 19, she fell pregnant 9 months after that. We decided to keep him although we were told by all around us that we were too young... he was the single best thing that happened to us, in terms of a catalyst and thirst for life. 14 years later we have 3 children and have had an amazing and happy journey through adult life together. It (life) has thrown a few curve balls at us (our daughter needed heart surgery at 14 days old and will one day require open heart surgery; to name but one) but we've stuck together through it all.

 

We both built carers for ourselves whilst being great parents to our stunning and perfect children.

 

Over the last 18 months we slowly started to argue more and more - she would stomp around the house in a mood and I would start arguments over her terrible attitude. She would tell me she wanted more support and wanted to spend more quality time with me. I would tell her that she always seemed so angry and so distant. This formed a vicious circle but I never thought for a second that anything could break us.

 

3 months ago we had a massive argument. She told me the next day that something had snapped inside her and that she didn't love me anymore. She said and still says that she wants nothing more than to fall back in love with me but just can't find the spark.

 

I've tried everything but last night (16/06/10) finally gave in. My constant trying has made matters worse. Not only has it made her close-up and feel suffocated but I’ve lost myself and am now devoid of confidence, I'm totally totally lost.

 

The pain I’m going through is almost unbearable, like many others on here. I can't laugh, smile or concentrate. I have massive lows and feel extremely tired almost all the time... cry at least once a day.

 

She is the first and last thing on my mind every day. The real torture for me is that I can't move out straight away, need money to get my own place as I have to have somewhere for my 3 angels to come visit me - they have to be my number one priority and need structure to their lives. I’m on day 1 for the next 6 weeks :sad:

 

I’ll use this thread as a diary of my recovery as I know that some day, I will be happy once again.

[lamarthe]

baby steps...and time. a lot of it. and probably never quite the full recovery because adult break ups simply change us. there is a you that will eventually learn to appreciate and respect himself again - you've shared and are still sharing most of your adult life. you also have 3 beautiful kids and that is always going to be joy and love.

 

yes...how pathetic we become when left behind and how exactly we do what we shouldn't. i am speaking from personal experience and not to bore you with details I will only say that eventually I did recover and I so never thought I could. tomorrow and then the tomorrow and then that next tomorrow.... is still going to be scary and full of tears. tomorrow in six months will already be lighter. there is no miracle cure. but you will make peace with yourself cause there isn't any other way. and you will relapse and feel the pain from time to time but you will learn to accept it as part of you. I couldn't coping thinking about tomorrow so I started thinking about me a year later and somehow knew that I wouldn't feel so broken. that kept me going. but it wasn't easy.

 

I also think that you two aren't over yet and that after such a long time it will take a while to disentangle. So I am very impressed at how you've already decided to move out and are not struggling to stay. It seems you are both very mature in handling what you think is the inevitable. Just like parents should be. To be able to decide to separate with dignity is a virtue. Most people separate with hate. I hope you are surrounded by friends and family and that you do have someone to talk to. The pain you are feeling is unsustainable when held inside so allow it to come out and talk people's heads off anyway you can just like you are doing right now.

none of it wlll help you overnight but again...baby steps.

 

I would able to tell you that perhaps you can still work it out but I do not know the answer. I do wish it to you.

[BrokenM4n]

Hi - Thanks for the reply... i think i know deep down that I’ll be fine...it just really is a case of not wanting to let go. The way this has happened, the things she had said to me just before this happened and those things said during counselling just make think that it's not quite a done deal yet.

 

She got a book for the library about "telling the kids". The first chapter is about making sure it's really the best thing to do. It lists common problems...we have them all. The thing is, it also talks about easy work abounds. It dawned on me that we as a couple haven't tried anything to resolve the issues.

 

I was out with friends yesterday when i received a text saying "i am sorry for all of this. I'll write down all of my problems, they go really deep". I replied telling her that I’d be happier to let this go and more confident with telling the children if we could at least try to tackle the issues - we're going to counselling in 2 weeks. Until then I’m not planning on telling the children. I'll give her all the space she needs and I’m going to start at the gym to keep me out of the home during the stressful period around dinner time. I've reunited myself with some old friends who have been simply amazing to me.... trouble is, they are old school friends and will not believe that the two of us over, which isn't really helping!

 

Haven’t broken down for the last two days and have a small appetite back. Will keep the world posted!

 

Thx.

[Celtic Saint]

Best of luck mate. It sounds very rough. I am thinking of you. Cheers. CS.

[BrokenM4n]

Thanks CS.

 

Wow, what a strange process this is. Got reunited with some old friends, got drunk and didn't think about this * * * * once. Went out to lunch the next day with them, spoke about it but didn't really feel too bad. Got a text saying "Are you ok? I’m sorry for all of this... I’ll write it all down so you can understand...it goes deep".

 

I told her that I want to hear them in front of the counsellor. And that I’m not ready to tell the kids until I’m sure it’s the right thing to do. That means we try to fix the practical problems or she convinces me, outright, that she just doesn’t want to give it a go and the counsellor assure me that it’s her true feelings, not an angry response.

 

I've stopped hassling her and feel better but still find it hard in the morning - when there's no anger i just want to reach out and hug her.

 

Fathers day was pretty good, took the kids to my mums, she stayed on her own at home.

 

It's dawned on me that we've change our core values to try appease each other. We clashed over practical things that can be resolved. It's whether we chose to try and work on the practical issues and then see if our core values are still there.

[BrokenM4n]

Started to wake up feeling ok, even with her laying next to me. Feeling stronger and confident. Dont care what she's up to with her phone or facebook buddies anymore. I think i was in shock. Getting stronger day by day. Still never want this to end. Now think im ready to fight for this relationship properly.

 

We have practical problems we can address and then see if we can rebuild a new relationship based on our old values - freindship and acceptance.

 

 

... of course i may have just gone into denial.

[BrokenM4n]

Still been feeling fine, almost like normal... had loads of hope until i read this this today.

 

 

 

Can only hope the counselling works out for us.

[BrokenM4n]

My word I feel angry today.. still at home, just realised that this is 90% about her and that im not actually the useless * * * * er she made me out to be.

 

Googled her changes in attitude - can liken them to a moody teenager - playing loud music "always bored with life" and realised she is going through a midlife crisis. Things is, they almost always seem to end in a break. I think I only feel so strong at the moment because i've buried the real fears and pain in hope that we can make it work.

 

I want to * * * * of and never speak or hear from her again but know that can never happen. So pissed off at her even though deep down i know this quite a common and natural thing....just pissed me off because i've always encouraged her to do the things she now desperatly needs, so desperate that i see her ending this relationship.

[dabbledave]

It's dawned on me that we've change our core values to try appease each other. We clashed over practical things that can be resolved. It's whether we chose to try and work on the practical issues and then see if our core values are still there.

 

Hi there, mate.

 

Just wondering how you're doing.

 

Just broken up with my ex -- long story -- and what you said above describes the problems we had. We got hung up on practical issues -- lifestyle choices in moving to a new country -- and forgot the bigger picture; friendship, trust, acceptance, love. I know my ego got in the way most of the time. Hers too.

 

Anyway, she eventually ended it after only one month in the new country. I've identified the fact that we never made an effort as a couple to consciously resolve our differences. I mentioned that in one or two parting shots, but it makes no difference now.

 

I'm on Day 1 strict LC. It should be NC, but I need to stay in touch to get myself and some of my stuff (as much as I can carry without paying excess) back home.

 

DD

[dabbledave]

I should add that my situation doesn't involve kids, fortunately (for their sake).

 

How are your angels coping?

 

DD

[BrokenM4n]

Hi dabbledave,

 

Things were / are OK at home. When this started she had 101 things to moan about and I chased her like a puppy dog. I made some changes in relation to her comments and my confidence levels shot through the roof thanks to good friends and family. I don’t chase and so she starts all of the conversations now. She only has the one issue left and I really don’t believe it's my issue to sort. What’s more, her birthday is coming up and she asked if we could go out for dinner. All good with me.

 

I went to bed last night and she was listening to music on her headphones (that’s a warning sign to me) Looked at me with a big grin and commented on how much she likes the album. Cool so far... she turned it off and we started to fall asleep when I heard the comment "you're so lucky to have a job you can go to everyday...i get so bored stuck in at home" 10 minutes later is a was the usual full-blown " you don’t ever plan anything to do that I want to do, I don’t want to do the thing you like doing" etc etc.

 

I wish she'd make up her * * * * ing mind I really do. I think she's living in a dream world where every weekend provides a new adventure for the family to take on. I'm so done with taking criticism. I changed the things about me that were valid. Small attitude adjustments and she noticed this staright away and has made comments to make that clear. Now I want to see a commitment to the relationship from her before I start making any further changes which will affect the whole family.

 

As for the kiddies – they must have noticed a small change, there’s no affection between us in terms of how we speak to each other (Hunny, babe, darling now replaced with first names!) however… we are also not arguing anymore. Their behaviour hasn’t really changed much lately so I’m content with this… I keep a very close eye on it.

 

This last problem she has will either be resolved by our counsellor - her session is a week today – or we will go our separates ways and she will regret it. I know how egotistical that sounds but I believe it. I adore her, will do everything I can for her on a practical support level and love her company… but I will not try to change things about me that I don’t believe in. That’s what she did, look at us now!