I want her back

[Sad Sack]

I'm going through possibly the worst time of my life at the moment, I have never felt pain like this before, it's killing me inside. I met my girlfriend at a party at Christmas, and we got together straight away. I thought she was the most gorgeous, beautiful person, and she had such a great personality. She really did light up my life, and I was so happy inside I thought I was going to explode. There was nothing I wouldn't do for her, and I would have gladly givin in to her every demand.

 

But then things started to change, we had a couple of stupid arguments, nothing serious but whenever we were apart those were all I could think about. In time I became distant from her, I made excuses not to see her etc. and that really upset her. The worse part is... I KNEW it upset her, but I just didn't care.

 

Recently, something terrible happened to her, she was date-raped at a party. She is really fragile emotionally so I can imagine how much harm it did to her. She didn't tell me about it at first, and a few days later we got into a big fight and I said some real nasty things to her. Then I found out what happened, so we arranged to meet to talk about it. I instantly realised how much I had missed her, and how much I loved her, I had forgotten up until now. We grew so close, and for 2 days it was like being back at Christmas. Then last Wednesday she grew distant, I could tell something was wrong. She wouldn't reply to text messages, wouldn't answer my phone calls, and didn't seem to want to see me. I finally got through to her and we met on Saturday, I was so happy and excited when I saw her, but I could tell again that something was wrong. We spent the whole day together, then she suddenly dropped a bombshell that she wanted to split up. She said she needed some time alone to deal with what happened. Not wanting to lose her I tried to tell her to stay with me so I could help her through, but she said no. We arranged to meet the next day, but she never turned up. I sent her text after text and phoned her countless times, I even took a letter I wrote to her house, but she didn't answer the door, so I posted it. But she never answered or replied. I haven't seen or heard from her since and I have convinced myself I never will do again...

 

It's true you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone. Now I've lost her and it's tearing me up. I just want her back so desperately. We were supposed to meet again today, but still no word from her. I texted her again today but no reply, then I phoned her but now she has her phone switched off. Why is she ignoring me like this? Does she hate me? I love her more than anything, and I know I took her for granted in the past, but it would be different now. She'd want for nothing. Why is she doing this to me? I want her back so badly. Please, can anyone give me some advice?

[Beec]

First thing you need to do is back off. Stop chasing her. It won't help.

[Sad Sack]

I know, but I just want to know what's going on. It's the not knowing that is the worst part. Even if she sent me a text telling me to go away, then at least I'd know. At the moment my mind is jumping to all sorts of conclusions, such as: does she despise me? Does she never want to have any contact with me again? Has she found someone else, or even has something happened to her?

[Beec]

Since she was recently raped, I doubt she is ready for someone new.

 

The thing is that you approached her, directly, head-on, in a way most assured to get a bad response after she broke it off. If you want any contact with ehr, you need to make an indirect approach.

[Sad Sack]

How do I do that? I don't want it to look like I'm losing interest. And there is so much I need to say to her.

[Beec]

Why do you want her to think you are not losing interest?

 

I think that if you really want her, you need to show her you care. That's first, not that you want her. You might at some point need to give a message that she is still desirable, regardless of what happened to her.

 

You almost never want a partner to know how you feel, when just beginning or trying to restart a realtionship. You want to be aloof and independent. You letting her know how much you miss and need her, that's not going to be productive.

[lisaria]

Hey Sad Sack,

Your g/f is going through a very tough time. She is probably so confused and hurt that she has no idea what she wants. This puts you in a tough situation because you want to help her and be there for you but she doesn't want that right now. I agree with Beec about backing off. She may feel threatened by you and I know that's not what you mean, but she is not looking at things too rationally right now.

Be there for her if she contacts you, but take it very slow. Be super gentle and do not force anything. No words about your feelings or the relationship. Just be there for her. Perhaps if she doesn't call, then you could contact her in a week or two just to ask how she's doing. Let her lead the whole conversation though. Give her time. When she is past this, and it may take a while, she will know that you were there for her.

Good luck.

lisaria

[Sad Sack]

Thanks for the help. I know I should back off, but I just have a terrible feeling I'm never going to hear from her again, and I couldn't bare that. I don't want to think that I'll never have a chance to tell her how proud I am of her.

 

I also have a feeling her friends have been in her ear about it, they were the ones who told her not to tell me about the rape. They all have something against me (despite never meeting me) and I'm worried they will drive a wedge between us, because she is easily manipulated.

 

Anyway I will back off now, I know she is going away on Thursday until next Monday. I was hoping to hear from her before then, but if not, then I'll try again next week. Thanks again for the advice.

[Sad Sack]

I have heard from her since all this, I met her for about an hour on Tuesday but she was more distant than she has ever been. It turns out she has caught Chlamydia, and it is quite serious, not only that but she has been having a lot of fights with her mum (her mum apparently smashed the whole house up the other day)

 

She really doesn't need that extra stress on top of everything else. Anyway I had an idea that might help. I suggested no contact, no phone calls, emails or texts until next Friday. Then we meet, go for a few drinks than back to my place and just lay all our cards on the table. She agreed to it straight away, but I am wondering, have I made the right decision. The time apart will give her time to think, but I don't want to seem like I'm abandoning her, I should be there for her when she is in such dark times. Have I done the right thing?

[Beec]

I don't ever like laying all your cards on the table. You always want them wondering a little. Without a little wondering, there is no balance.

 

However, you said it, so you need to do it. Although, maybe you need not lay out all of your cards. Instead, you control it, you lay out the cards you want to lay out. And make her feel how you want her to feel.

 

So what cards do you lay out? One, your last impression was right. I don't like NC until Friday at all. She is in a world of hurt, and she should know she can call on you now or whenever. Make the first card you lay out that. I am here for you whenver you need me. I'd let her know that NOW, but if you must wait, play it first.

 

Second, you get into the idea of there being a relationship. What do you say? You want her to know you'd like it. That you think you had something that had a lot of potential. That could be a long-term lifetime thing. And that you don't think what happened to her should change anything. (The chlamydia might present a problem, but hey she does not need to feel rejected by you for that, esp. now.) The way you tell it, she did nothing wrong, so why should it change anything. However, if she thinks the potential is gone, or just cannot be pursued right now, then you can accept that, live with it. But will still be there, shoudl she ever need anything. That should be your message.

[Sad Sack]

Well I sent her a text saying that if she was upset and needed to talk before Friday, then she could call me and talk to me because I'm always here. I must confess I'm very nervous about next week, I have a terrible feeling she will tell me that she only wants to be friends, and she can't see me that much anymore etc. Though I do want her in my life, so if just being friends is all that I can hope for, then I guess it's solace enough... and maybe one day we can pick up where we left off. It's just a shame that patience was never one of my finest qualities.