dead in the water?

[jonr87]

Guys please help me out?

 

Apologies if this belongs on a different thread, not quite sure if its breaking up, healing or anything else. There is a bit of a back story here...I've been holding back from posting this for a while, but here goes.

 

My ex and I split at the beginning of April. I'm 25 and she is 23.

 

Here's the story...we had been together for 8 months, very much in love. We had agreed to move in together from October after uni had finished in Leeds for us both and we had both graduated (this Summer). However, towards the end of March she started expressing doubts as she didn't know what she wanted in terms of a career / further education...and whether that was in Leeds.

 

(eventually, a couple of weeks ago she explained to me after some soul searching whilst being single and in NC, that ultimately she didn't want to be in Leeds anymore and would prefer to be back in Bristol (her home town...I'm originally from London) where there are a few job opportunities in her field coming up for her.)

 

She didn't communicate any of this very well at all though and just seemed a bit off... I ended up getting the hump, despite attempts to find out what was on her mind and ultimately took it very personally; started to get needy as sensed she was having second thoughts. Then, one night we had a drunken argument as I didn't think she was being honest with me and the relationship may be in trouble (she wasn't being honest...claimed everything was o.k, with no problems). The next day when we met up to clear the air she decided it was for the best we took a break. I was devastated. She (very much) later explained that she wanted it for the good of us both, to enable us to make our own decisions on where we saw our careers going without having each other as a consideration at this point..she argued that it was a selfless act of love and really she would want nothing more than to spend every day of our lives together. A few times through tears at this point and subsequently she had told me that we had come '4 years too early' and that we would definitely be together in the future as we were brilliant for each other.. She gave me no other reason for the split and maintained that it was nothing personal and that I was 'perfect'...she wanted to remain friends...to which I declined.

 

After a few weeks LC on and off, off and on (she wanted it to be 'casual' between us), brief text terrorism and some fairly embarrassing behaviour on my part trying to claw her back in (if you can imagine the pretty bog standard stuff), coupled with her blowing hot and cold with me...texting me goodnight I miss you, then acting completely indifferent when we spoke next and as though she had moved on...keen to portray social proof to me and how she was going out lots, making new friends etc.

 

After this, I went no contact for around 3 weeks. Fully aware in retrospective I should have done this from day 1, but little use beating myself up at this stage. I emailed her after this time at the beginning of May to pardon my regrettable behaviour...see it as closure, started working on myself.

 

All was sound until I bumped into her in a coffee shop a few weeks later, we were both on our own so approached one another...she informed me of her decision to move back home from October, came as a bit of a shock, also that she couldn't even consider being with another guy. Things were really cool and friendly between us, clearly still a sexual tension, she couldn't take her eyes off me and vice versa...I kept it brief and light, told her I was doing good then left her. We agreed we would see each other in June- once exams and coursework were done and dusted with...one of the reasons we hadn't discussed our relationship and perhaps cleared the air as much as we might have was due to the amount of work we both had on; were both very passionate about our degree subjects and didn't want the situation to be anymore of a burden on that side of things.

 

Went no contact again. Until a couple of days ago (the day after her last exam), I received a text from her asking how I was, saying she had been clearing up her bedroom and found a pair of socks of mine...would I want them back....seemed a pretty silly excuse for contact? Who cares about socks?! I figured she was testing the water (thoughts?) and using it as a means to re-initiate contact.

 

I replied later that day saying I was doing good, wasn't too bothered about the sock but she should think twice about running away home with a couple of my cds that i'd let her borrow ...meant purely in a fun and playful way. She responded saying she had just come accross them, and would love to be able to listen to them...but everytime she tries she ends up in tears thinking about us...and threw in that she would be leaving in the next few days to move home!

 

I didn't respond to that for 24 hours as had some work to be doing and she didn't really leave anything to be responded to. Eventually, and perhaps stupidly, I text her today suggesting that as she is leaving soon, we should meet for coffee to return items and catch up.... I wasn't sure if she would respond again if I didn't put my neck out there. I haven't had a reply as yet though, 12 hours later (although should be noted that she is awful at replying instantly...and i did take 24 hours to respond initially). Was I wrong to send this text? Probably, but I don't really like games...and given that she is leaving very soon I thought, why not?

 

SO............Should I even be considering meeting her? I've been working on ME (figuring out I don't need her but want her, putting effort into uni work, seeing mates etc) and my own direction for when uni comes to an end and figured out what I am going to be/ want to be doing...however, I still want her in my life and hope we can work things out. I love her very much and although I do not know this, would like to find out if there is soomething between us still...if she truly meant that the split wasn't 'personal'. I try not to assume anything, but going by what she said about us being together in the future, and how happy we have made each other, and the chemistry that still persists when I have seen her post BU, I can not help but have the smallest bit of hope...

 

Lay it down people. Chances are she may respond in the next 12 hours or so agreeing / disagreeing to meeting up...if she agrees, I'm going to see her. But how should I approach this, given that ultimately I want her as part of my future...but she will be living in excess of 300 miles away by this time next week? Is it dead in the water?

[endy]

Yeah, I think you need to stop looking at her words and look at her actions. You may be giving her a tad bit too much. I would still meet up with her, but just play it cool. You need some time in NC for yourself. You'll have plenty of it when she's 300 miles away though. I wouldn't initiate contact anymore and I think you were playing it right pretty much. I think you can probably tell her what is really on your mind and be honest if you do meet up. The problem is she's at a point in her life where she wants to get her job going obviously etc.

 

She made a decision, and she needs to see what it's like without you. People can always tell us whatever they want. The truth is, actions speak volumes to what someone really is thinking and wants. I think you ultimately need to respect the decision, heal and move on. Not to get her back but for you. In time who knows what will happen. There aren't really bad circumstances to this breakup, and I could see it working out once you are both working and settled in a bit. But you can't really base anything on that. I would respect her decision, say goodbye and ask her not to contact you for the time being as you can't heal and move on while staying in contact. That's just me though. For now, play it cool and see what happens. Just stop giving her so much of you for right now. Take a step back and really think about this and what's best for YOU.

[jonr87]

Thanks Endy,

 

I really don't know how to approach tomorrow if we meet...

 

I felt really good and relaxed about the situation, until today given the lack of response from her- its hit my confidence a bit and left my head spinning in doubt. Hopefully if she does agree to see me I'll be able to pull it together. It's a loaded situation though emotionally, as it stands it could be the last time we ever see each other. With that in mind, I'm glad you advocate telling her what is on my mind...I sort've see it as its now or never.

 

Not too sure if she is really deserving of any of this though, given her actions as you have said... I'm just blinded by the person I fell for and the way she has behaved around me previously and what she said etc. Still holding onto that belief even after a few stages of NC...the text yesterday was enough to de-rail me!

 

Do you guys believe that the initial text she sent yesterday about collecting my socks was a way to simply reinitiate contact and 'test the waters'? Why would she want to do this?

[endy]

It's a way to validate that you are still available to her. Not really anything more than that. You need to take her words at face value right now and not read into them. If you do meet up just be cool calm and collected. I wouldn't spill my guts to her or anything, and it's not a now or never situation. It really never is. You're going to definitely have to feel her out when and if you do meet up. If you see her get uncomfortable with something you said just back track and change the subject. That doesn't mean that you can't tell her what is on your mind or how you feel. Just do it calm and collected and try not to be really emotional about it. Don't make it seem as though you are going to die without her in other words.

 

I want you to remember that we all have a path in life. If yours and hers cross again after this, it will. But you really need to focus on moving on after this. She's going to move 300 miles away regardless. That's the reality of the situation. Just concentrate on your studies, and then go from there. This meeting may cause you a lot of pain, but after I would really suggest going NC for awhile, healing and moving on.

 

You have love goggles on and you will for awhile. It's when they are off that we start making better decisions for ourselves. This meeting may or may not happen. If it does you just need to stay calm and collected. Just go into it knowing that yes, you really could be dead in the water for right now. I think if you have time away from each other she may really notice what she misses. NC is probably the best tool for that.

[jonr87]

Would you suggest ending the meeting (if indeed it happens) with something along the lines of...don't contact me unless you want to reconcile, you need to learn consequences of your decision and this involves not having me in your life at all...although not quite as harsh or blunt, but leave the door ajar for reconciliation? I've seen a similar thing advocated commonly in other threads.

 

She has definitely had a taste of what it is like without me around, and likewise...but I think taking the safety net of us being in the same city and at university will be a real shock to both of us. Although she puts on a brave and fun face in her facebook photos I'm aware that privately through a couple of our friends that she has found it pretty tough going...