So freaking confused it's not even funny

[kevinm]

Hi everyone. A few of you might remember me, it's been a long time since I've posted here. Just had to take a break for a while. In any case, I'm having an issue with my current g/f and I'm not sure how to "solve" it.

 

I'll fill in details on background as necessary or if a reader has a specific question.

 

The issue we're having stems from having bad sex, well that's where it started. First off, my current g/f and I are roughly 3 hrs apart. The long distance thing is tough, yes. But the focus really is a matter of intimacy. The sex part is mechanical, and we are both having issues. I am having issues of maintaining excitement and she is having issues with the "o" happening. Of course, these things snowball in the respect that since she's not getting the "o" I'm not getting excited and because I'm not excited she's not getting the "o", etc. So it's a viscious circle. We're read some books, are both willing and open to trying exercises and toys and other aides, but this sex problem has seemed to fester into other issues.

 

For example, now that we're not having good sex anymore (yes, we've had wonderful sex before) there seems to be doubts that we may not be right for each other. Also, she's complaining that we're boring and lack emotionally intimacy as far as having that connected feeling. She states that we don't talk about things that matter and our conversations are more friend conversations than those of lovers.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I love my g/f and I want to work things out with her, but I'm not sure what I can do to rekindle that spark, both in and out of the bedroom that we used to have. Please help!

 

Kevin

[Stay_home]

Act out your sexual fantasies on each other.

[Chicklet]

What happened between the two of you that you go from having GREAT sex to bad sex??

 

And it's easy for a man to get "excited" about sex, usually. This tells me that it's her lack of an orgasm and the probable complaining about it, that makes you unexcited. Am I off on this one? Does she complain about it, in bed?

 

You say you're in an LDR. Is it possible that she's just not into you anymore and just doesn't have the balls to say so?

[kevinm]

@ 2sidedcoin- We're both open to trying things in the bedroom as far as fantasy is concerned. I've metioned some things I'd like to try, but she doesn't seem thrilled about them, more of a ho-hum attitude. She's pretty focused on the "o"

 

@Chicklet- What happened? I'm not sure. We've talked about this too. I feel her change in birth control may be a cause, or perhaps my work stress (which has been very high recently) is also a source. There really was no specific event per se... more of the new-ness feeling wearing off? I'm not sure, and that's one of the reasons I started this thread.

 

My lack of excitement, or ability to stay excited could be connected to a few things. I feel my physical health may be a slight issue. I'm probably 20lbs overweight and have poor cardio. But... this wasn't an issue a few months ago, so.... I'm not sure what's going on. Her lack of excitement certainly doesn't help the cause. When she turns away or remarks it hasn't been a problem in the past or with past lovers it does hurt me inside.

 

I don't think she'd hold back concerning wanting to break up with me if that was the issue. Nor would I with her. We both want to work this out.

[Someday_Soon]

Maybe after being together for a time two people become "used" to each other and the sex is more routine. Maybe you're placing too much emphasis on that aspect and not enough of enjoying just being together. IMO in today's society there is just too much focus on that area and once it goes out the window, there isn't enough infrastructure to continue to support the relationship.

[kevinm]

@somedaysoon- I would agree that society in general does place too much emphasis on sex. Whether or not "we" are doing that is difficult to say. I would say yes, but you're only getting my side of the story here. We do however, have much deeper feelings beyond the sex. Still, healthy sex is important in a relationship, and we both feel that way. I know things can't be all rainbows and lollipops all the time, but we're going through a rough spell.

 

I didn't want to speculate before, but I have a feeling much of the emotional roller coaster she is experiencing is due to a change in birth control, but I could be wrong there too.