When EX Shows NO Emotion and doesn't seem to care!

[boyblue]

Hi

 

Just wondering why or more likely how people can be like this when for months, or even years in some cases, they were so keen and hung up on going out with you then they just turn cold and walk away. I know pretty much a lot of posts on here are about people wondering why their EX turned like this and just walked but and in some case that may be because they went back to their ex or maybe found someone ever better/or GIGS but I am quite sure my ex didn't meet anyone new at the time of BU, I had a suspicion precisely because of her behaviour when BU happened but my gut said she didn't + she still on dating sites even now and was right after BU!

 

I was also wondering what influence her friends maybe had on the situation like she might have had a concern about the RL that could have been solved by us talking (although she avoided talking about anything to do with it) and her friends could have blown this out of proportion and validated a decision for her to BU when she maybe didn't want to and didn't realise talking would maybe have helped. My EX had these really influential older friends who all had multiple RLs/Families under their belt and maybe they said to her it is better to walk and not look back.

 

IDK anyone have a similar experience where the EX just walked, wouldn't talk, acted aloof and scorned every sensible suggestion you came up with, and acted as if we had nothing ever between us?

 

BB

[curious11]

Yes.. My first love. we were highschool sweethearts,.but never made it official. And when we finally did she was the happiest person ever. Then a little ways down the road went her separate ways like she never even knew me.

 

It stinks but happens. People change, sometimes the way we don't want them too... I was devastated for over a year! And she walked away like she never knew me. To this day its that day... 5 years later.

 

Hang in there.

[Confused123123]

Yeah well my ex said that he'd started to like his ex (from before me) more than he liked me. But he said that after I'd hooked up with my ex from before him. Um but initially he just said he didn't love me anymore...the feelings had just gone. He'd lost interest etc. He would leave the conversations when I started to ask him how he felt etc (was not at all confrontational). But yeah after a few weeks he started opening up and telling me the reasons why he lost interest...it just took him a while to let it out. And yes he did say to me 3 weeks after break up "We were very close once upon a time, remember?". Acting as we were ancient history.

 

I sorta wanna punch him in the face.

[boyblue]

I suppose it is wise to remember that your feelings are not your exs feelings and you cannot hope to change them only yourself. Kina sucks I suppose!

 

BB

[prettynthecity]

Yes. YES.

 

I HATE THIS.

[LINReg]

I would like some insight on this too. Its what bothers me the most about him.

 

My ex and I were very close, obviously, before the break up. When he broke he was crying, saying that we were growing apart blah blah. I was sad too, and I tried to come to a compromise but he said he had to do this.

 

Then after a month of LC because of school, I decided to ask him where he stood on us. Heck it was hard to even get him to agree to meet me, when I called him it was like "you want to what? alright fine lets make this quick," like I was some kind of burden. Regardless, I couldn't spend another month wondering.

 

The whole time he was emotionless. He said he didn't have feelings for me; that we're too different. I guess a lot can change in a month but still I have to wonder where all the feelings went and how now he can treat me as stranger.

 

Where does all that emotion go? What has to change inside someone's mind to treat your SO like this?

[Confused123123]

If he was upset, and all the feelings went within a month (my ex said the same thing), then they probably aren't completely over you. They probably feel that SOMETHING has changed in the relationship, but they don't know how to deal with it, but they can't. So they end it. They may be too afraid to let their emotions out, incase they get outmatched to you again. Sort of like some sort of self-protection.

 

It's not fair at all though...as you're left in the dark wondering if they ever really did love you!

[Confused123123]

'outmatched' is supposed to be 'attached' : P

[LINReg]

Thanks Confused.

 

That's what I was thinking too. Either he cares about me but won't show it which sucks or he just doesn't care at all which sucks more. Regardless, I can't force him to open up to me whether or not he feels something. And it drives me crazy.

 

But my opinion for the OP is that they act this way because they may care to some extent. However this may not be the case for everyone. I don't want to get anyone hopes up since it depends on the nature of the relationship and the the person you were with.

 

For me personally, I don't pretend like nothings happened. All the men I was involved with was friends with me before we went official, so it may be different than say someone you met and asked out at a bar. I have a general fondness for all my exes (not romantically of course), and I'm not above going down memory lane with them since its all water under the bridge. Obviously its too soon for that with the most recent ex...

[Di84]

Yes, this happened to me. After 4 yrs he just turned his back on me and told me he wanted to live his life and for me to leave him alone. I still, after 8 months, think of him on a daily basis and cannot believe he did this to me. We were like best friends and now he "changed". I don't get it but it does happen and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it other than accept it. It still hurts me today and i miss him like crazy, and it's just sad to think that he is out there pursuing other women bc he needs to find a "wife" (yes, he told me this). My ex pretty much turned into a monster after we broke up. It was right before Xmas... he couldn't even wish me a merry xmas at the time. On new yrs he went partying and had the time of his life while i was home crying... the list goes on. I look back and now resent him SO much i could never go back to that....but the fact remains that I miss him. However, the desperate feelings are gone and I don't break NC anymore. That's proof right there that things do get better....slowly but surely. I figure it's been 8 months and the desperate feelings have gone now, but i still miss him and think of him daily......so another 8 months, and I should be 100% back to normal! (long time to get over someone i know...but they do say it takes about half the time you were with someone to get over them and i think in a lot of cases, that is 150% correct!)

[catfeeder]

If you have ever dumped someone or if you ever must, the number one thing that tortures you is the awful need to 'get it done'. Once it's done, the last thing you want is a continuation of that feeling. So dealing with the person who forces that feeling into your current life can make you resentful.

 

The only time something changes is when something changes. That can't happen if I keep hammering things from the same perspective. I need to let go and move away from it. Things look different from far away--that's WHY giving both the ex and yourself enough time and distance to look 'back' on things fondly is important. Contrast that with keeping things 'in yur face' with no relaxation, no change in circumstances, no incentive to 'want' the very same things in life to continue aligning the same way ex didn't want them X days ago.

 

When nothing changes, nothing changes. Allow shifts to occur with other people even as you pursue those in your own life--and your own thinking. Pull the microscope back. Focus it elsewhere. Things can fall into place much easier when you aren't looking.

[Di84]

Excellent post catfeeder!!! Well said.

[boyblue]

The thing with my situation is my EX was a shy/quiet creature and hadn't really had many BFs, all her mates were tied up and I think everyone was rooting for her when she met me, please don't think I am bragging like I was perfect but I think what I have going for me is quite good, good job, good(ish) looking, tall, good prospects and a lot to give + we got on really really well - used to sit up till 5 in the morning chatting online and that, even she said we got on really well. Seemingly her family were overjoyed about her meeting me and when we went out first few times she would rest her head on my shoulder and just hold my hand so tight etc. I was kind of shocked really as if she had really missed out on having a nice guy in her life and was so overjoyed to now have that. The sad thing is I was really willing to make a go of it and all that then BANG she pulled out and moved on. Seriously i was like * * * *** what is going on why is she deserting me is this not what she wants.

 

I even said to her you know out all those women I picked you and I think it would be really daft to throw it away. She really just couldn't care what I had to say and just wanted me out the door: when I last spoke to her at her house I was sitting there then went to the toilet then came back and she was pretty much standing at the door looking at me as if to say see ya. Haven't heard from her in about 6 months and really don't expect to ever again.

 

Don't think i'll ever get the answer to this as long as I live.

 

Go bloody figure!!

 

BB

[catfeeder]

[...] my EX was a shy/quiet creature and hadn't really had many BFs, all her mates were tied up and I think everyone was rooting for her when she met me [...]

 

Don't think i'll ever get the answer to this as long as I live.

 

I think your answer is clear, and it had nothing to do with you. You were being dated by committee, and that can ruin everything. Her nature is quiet and shy, but possibly also stubborn. People saw great things in you and pressured her to step up. She tried, but the more her 'team' worked her, the more suffocated and resentful she felt--not toward you, but you sure got the brunt of it. By the time she was done, she snapped like a rubber band--and had you not exited when you did, she might have shown you some teeth.

 

This is why family and friends need to butt out and mind their own business.

[boyblue]

I think your answer is clear, and it had nothing to do with you. You were being dated by committee, and that can ruin everything. Her nature is quiet and shy, but possibly also stubborn. People saw great things in you and pressured her to step up. She tried, but the more her 'team' worked her, the more suffocated and resentful she felt--not toward you, but you sure got the brunt of it. By the time she was done, she snapped like a rubber band--and had you not exited when you did, she might have shown you some teeth.

 

This is why family and friends need to butt out and mind their own business.

 

Catfeeder saying she is/was stubborn is an understatement!! Initially I did NC before XMAS and she reached out a few times but then as I tried to slowly play reconcillation she would berate and antagonise me like I said we could go out at xmas etc she snapped I have to do xmas shopping and have no money to go out, in January I then politely asked her to go to the movies she said yes ok and never got back to me, not even to say look I don't want to go or anything not a word and wouldn't respond to texts or pick up phone. She would also go on FB and put up kind of low level aggressive comments as if almost directed at me and she would put up attention seeking comments as if the world revolved around her.

 

What a character!!

 

BB