self-destructive behavior--do I intervene?

[PoetGirl]

I broke up with my ex of 4 1/2 years about a month ago bc he severely lied to me. I've been doing NC for about 2 weeks now, and I think it's going pretty well for me--I'm getting a new apt., going to see my therapist again, starting another year of grad school soon, and seeing lots of friends.

 

However, my ex has a tendency to be self-destructive and I spoke with a mutual friend of ours this week who has been keeping tabs on him. She told me he's drinking a lot and basically just brooding and wallowing in his self-inflicted depression...she said she wouldn't be surprised if he became suicidal. He refuses any suggestions of therapy.

 

My question: since I have some friends looking out for him, should I feel okay about this? At what point do I intervene? I obviously still care about him, but do I risk interfering with my own healing process to express concern/take action for his well-being?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[timP]

No you shouldn't. You are not together and by intervening you will give him some hope and just make things worse. Perhaps you could get a friend to talk to his friend to keep an eye on him. He needs to work this out on his own, with his own support group not yours.

 

I feel if you do you will effect your own and his healing period.

 

Its hard I know but I was in his shoes and believe me if my ex tried that i would have sunk further. in his state he will clutch to anything. Good luck it is tough though seeing some one you care for suffer.

[life_can_be_painful]

if its not too personal, what did he do to make you want to break up with him?

 

ps. i can understand his self-destructive behaviour. when my ex broke up with me, it was a time in my life where i was most depressed and when i needed her _the most_ ever. it pushes me into becoming alcoholic and came so close to suicide, and because of that, its made the whole issue even worse and haunts me to this day. which makes me even angrier to think that my ex was so low as a person as to cut loose the moment things got a bit difficult, when she said she loved me and cares about me. the reason i am speaking with you today is solely because of my current gf, and i have her to thank for me not screwing up my whole life

 

this is why i ask why you decided to break up with him.

[OceanEyes]

My question: since I have some friends looking out for him, should I feel okay about this? At what point do I intervene? I obviously still care about him, but do I risk interfering with my own healing process to express concern/take action for his well-being?

 

No, do not intervene. Intervention at this point will only prolong matters and potentially make them much worse.

 

If your ex has friends looking out for him and checking up on him, then leave it at that and move on with your life. I'm sorry to say this, but you broke up with him for good reasons in your own mind, and this is your time to heal. It sounds harsh, but if he can't learn to deal with disappointment in his own way, then there's not much you can do about it.

 

Congrats on getting on with your life, keep it up and good luck.

[storm]

i can empathise with you need to help him. but the thing is it is just that YOUR need. if he asks you for help that is different but the truth is you cant be the one who makes it better. if you become his coping stratergy then without realising you have taken his away his own ability to cope. he has to learn in his own way how to get through this. having said all of this its not a crime to tell him any of this and then maybe he can get some understanding of why you dont step in to rescue him.

best of luck xxxx

[PoetGirl]

Thank you to everyone who responded--I appreciate your insight.

 

Unfortunately (also fortunately 'cause I'm excited about it), I will be moving to a new place soon (closer to NYC and out of my parents house again) and I will need to contact him to get a lot of my stuff back. Some of it is stuff we bought together, and I need to figure out with him what I should and shouldn't take. Honestly, if I take most of my stuff, I'll be cleaning him out. Any advice on how to handle this properly would be greatly appreciated as well.