why dont they take responsability instead of hurting me?

[ferna3069]

ok so quick recap. ex broke up with me two months ago. when the break up happened we where cuddling. she started to get this look, she looked scared and confused.she started telling me how she felt scared of the world. how even when she drives it scares her that people can be looking at her. she tells me that she feel uncomfterable in her own skin.well my ex was abused as a kid.well after we are cuddling we can hear her mom come downstairs.my ex stands up starts running to her mom and screams i need my mommy.by the way im 21 and my ex is 23.

 

i feel even more confused by the way she acted.so that night i talk to a mutual friend who knows about her past. and he tells me that he thinks its time her mom knows. i thought to myself he is right.the only person that can help her with this is her mom. i thought of that and also if i left and her mom sa her like that she would of thought i hurt her.so the next day i tell my ex that i think its times her mom knew because she scared me by the way she acted.the dog barks i take him out i come back in. and her mom starts yelling at me. tells me to leave her daughter alone.i tell her that its not my fault shes acting like this.her mom starts screaming at me even louder. and tells me that it is my fault. i never told any one news like this and also her screaming did not help. so i told her if you only knew what i knew.

 

she went with my ex started screaming at her and asking her what im talking about. my ex tells her and my ex girlfriends mom calls my ex girlfriends dad the person who did it.when she is done talking to him she ask me if i thought i was going to get back with my ex with this. i tell her no i just want her to get help.this was a ldr and i whent to visit my ex for a month.her mom buys me a ticket to go home erly. later on her mom calls me and tells me im a sick person for trying to get back with my ex with telling her that.then she starts telling me off and tells me the things i did wrong. things only my ex knew.then she tells me to leave her and her daughter alone.

 

my family gets mad by the way her mom treated me and the way my ex started to talk about me.so they delete my ex and her mom of facebook.my ex contacts me about two times a week to see how i was doing. she contacted me for a month. well when we talked she got mad and told me it was bs how my family and friends deleted her mom and her of facebook. she told me it was bs.

 

the reason i ask why they dont take responsability is because for one thing. her mom told me off. for things my ex never even told me botherd her. she told me off and crushed me. then when my family and friends delee both of them it hurts there feelings?i understand that she was mad. but i cant be the scape goat for her not taking care of my ex. i know its not her moms fault. but well when i was over there her mom pretty much told us that my ex gf dad pretty much raped her and thats how she got pregnant wit my ex.and when she wan on the phone with the dad she said. i feel guilty for not fighting harder for my kids. i thought they where better of with you.her knowing they where treated real bad. treated like a slave.how is that better off?and the reason i say for my ex. is because she never told me anything that botherd her. the girl is 23. i always asked for her opinion. i never hit her. never cheated. but there was times i got mad. out of thw two years together i only called her a name once. she called me a name more then once.

[Cheetarah]

Frankly...How dare you decide when it's time to tell her mother anything? That was so wrong of you, on so many levels, to be saying things like "If you only knew what I knew" and attempting to bring it to light that way(which happened). That ALWAYS WAS, and always WILL BE, the person's decision to whom it happened. Those dynamics are not for you to mess with. I understand that you care, I really do. And that you're not coming from a bad place. But you're playing with fire when you do that.

 

When such things surface, a lot of feelings come up. Denial, anger, blame, etc. All these reactions here are very common and you need to butt out and let the family deal with this stuff now, because there's going to be a mish mosh of all kinds of crazy feelings being thrown around and because you helped bring it to light, you naturally are going to be a target. Stay away from it. And in the future, don't do that. Encourage someone to seek therapy, but do not go instigating that stuff. Ever.

[ferna3069]

thats the thing i did not want to bring it to lite that way. i just did not know how to say it. i mean when you see some one freak out on you like she did on me what would you do? leave? one of my sisters whent threw that. i know how much she sufferd. i did not want to see my ex like that. she lives with her mom.and the only person who could of really help was her mom. i did not want to say it like that. trust me. but the lady was screaming at me. i wanted her mom to know. i just never told any one this kind of news. and but out? so if your with some one they freak out you leave right? you leave dont try to help and then when she sees her daughter like that there going to think it was me who hurt her right?

[Cheetarah]

But it wasn't for you to say, that's what I'm saying. That's her business. A lot of time, people need the help of a mental health professional. It can cause big, huge problems and mediation is needed.

 

Yes, I know you don't want to see her suffer. I totally understand that. But it doesn't matter. Because it's not yours. Your ex is an adult and not a child for whom you are obligated to make decisions for.

 

You have choices. You could leave, you could encourage them to get help, but you can't make such decisions for them. I would resent you. I would have resented my ex if he decided to tell people such a thing when I wasn't ready yet. Luckily, he knew that was not his place.

[ferna3069]

thats whe reason i told her mom because i wanted her to get professional help.you know the last time something like this happened i talked her out of suicide. thats the reason i paniked. because i couldnt stand the thought of that. we always talked about going to therapy together. her idea not mine. there is more to the story then just abuse. and i was scared. when her mom called i did tell her about that. but i dont want to be responsible for not talking when i could of said something. when her mom told my ex .all my ex said was yea but that was a long time ago. to me this seems like a repeat of the last time.

[Cheetarah]

Then you encourage HER to get professional help. If you felt her life was in imminent danger, then you contact emergency services or tell her mother she's suicidal and let her help her get the help she needs.

 

You weren't responsible for bringing out her childhood abuse stories to her mom, dude. Your intent is good, I know. You don't need to convince me or anyone else. But it still wasn't your place. She is grown, an adult, and those are her experiences to share, in her time.

[ferna3069]

. You don't need to convince me or anyone else. But it still wasn't your place. She is grown, an adult, and those are her experiences to share, in her time.

 

your right about not having to convince any one. but hey i did what i thought was right at the moment.and about convincing people. there honestly wasnt many that said i did the wrong thing. there is three coundting you out of like twenty. im not trying to get deffensive. but when your on the other side. its hard to see the other person like that.

[Cheetarah]

Well, as someone who suffered it, I'm telling you from my perspective, it's not your place.

 

If you need to justify it, then by all means, do so. If you think you made the right choice, then that's fine. But then, you have no room to talk about the way you've been treated. It may not be right, but many things get kicked up when you bring something intensely emotionally and scarring to the table.

[ferna3069]

well i dont really have to justify anything. thats from your prospective. i met a couple friends after the break up who whent threw the same thing. where the bf told the mom about it. they told me yeah they where mad about it at first. but hey they got the help they need. and brining something scarring. well it wasnt me who hurt her. yeah it brought alot of emotions. but the emotions where already inside my ex. last time i talked to my ex she told me that she was finally getting treated better. her mom would take about my ex to other people telling every one how big and lazy she was. guess what? her mom stopped. she sees my ex side more. and yeah i do have the right to be hurt. i dont know about your situation and im sorry to hear you whent threw things to. but room to talk about the way i got treated?lady i wasnt expecting anything. i wasnt expectin a thank you. i wasnt expecting to be seem like a hero. i just want expecting to be treated that way. i did not think my ex would of talked bad about me. because after all i helped her get out of that house.where she was going to be abused agian. my ex even told me that if it wasnt for me she wouldnt be where she is right now. way happier. i helped my ex threw alot.and before you say but she doesnt owe you anything. i know she doesnt. i even told my ex that. i told her that i wasnt expecting us to get back together. but i was also not expecting us to argue so much. i did not expect her to talk about me. yet she wanted me in her life. im saying when you treat some one like crap dont expect them to still be there for you.its like she was expecting me to be there for her after getting mad about me. so tell me if some one was treating you bad and told you off? you would let them just because of high emotions?i know emotions where running high but i couldnt let myself get crushed

[Cheetarah]

You're twisting my words.

 

I said "It may not be right, but many things get kicked up when you bring something intensely emotionally and scarring to the table."

 

That's why I told you from the start of this thread to back out of that, have no part in it. You will get hurt and so will they. If you put your hand on the stove and it burns you, do you put your hand back on it 2 seconds later?

 

It is my perspective. That's why I said "from my perspective"...

 

I'm telling you these are common reactions. You're asking 'why', and I'm telling you why. Because it's a big deal and it's a powerful force.

[ferna3069]

You're twisting my words.

 

I said "It may not be right, but many things get kicked up when you bring something intensely emotionally and scarring to the table."

 

That's why I told you from the start of this thread to back out of that, have no part in it. You will get hurt and so will they. If you put your hand on the stove and it burns you, do you put your hand back on it 2 seconds later?

 

It is my perspective. That's why I said "from my perspective"...

 

I'm telling you these are common reactions. You're asking 'why', and I'm telling you why. Because it's a big deal and it's a powerful force.

 

sorry i just missread it. and yeah i backed off already. it was me who told her that we need to do no contact. because she would call. and by the way thank you for the answer

[Cheetarah]

You're welcome. I think this is a sensitive subject for both of us.

 

It's good to maintain your space now. This is a really touchy time. I didn't mean to insinuate that you deserve to be mistreated, but that this is really common in these sorts of circumstances and if you're in it, still in it, you have no one to blame but yourself as you do have the power to back off and not be a part of that pain. I'm glad that you have, it's good for everyone.