Falling Apart After Tasting the Bitter Flavor of Betrayal

[cardinalsings]

I don't know what I could have done, but I must have done something terrible to deserve where I'm at right now. This, for me and my pathetic somewhat boring life, is the worst experience I've ever had and I'm in a traumatic place. I can't help feeling like my life is changed forever or for a long long time for the worse because my psychological well-being has changed so dramatically.

 

I can't get over how my ex moved on two months after our relationship with someone who is my understudy in my professional play who I have known for 2 years and I also can't get over that my "friend" could do that to me. Everyday I think about how they must be together and how much he must love her. I picture how lovey-dovey they are together based off of how I know him and know her. I hate that I know her and can imagine how wonderful things must be between them because she's so positive, smart, talented, decently pretty and always acting overly sweet.

 

I can't get over the feelings of betrayal. They are too surreal. Not only had everyday been agony with me thinking of my ex everyday and wanting him back because I love him too deeply and what we had was so unique and special that I kept thinking if we had the chance again, we could have worked out our issues....but then I found out he is going out with and very serious about my understudy and "friend" -the girl who I confided my arguments and problems with during the time I was with my ex and she even comforted me during the break up. I'm shocked. I've seen her twice and she is a coward and won't tell me she did this to me and acts like my friend. The second time I saw her, I ignored her and I think she realizes I know now so she steered clear of being anywhere near me or talking to me. I don't understand people. And I don't understand how my ex could disrespect me and hurt me this way. He knew this would hurt me but he pursued and got her.

 

I am just so depressed. Everyday I want to cry knowing she is with him. If it had been a friend of his that I sorta met or someone totally new, I'd be sad he found someone so quickly but the pain would be so different and much much less. This pain makes me sick and that this deeply ironic and clearly non-coincidental thing happened to me makes me question my life as well as the people around me who now all seem like liars or perhaps have potential to back stab and hurt me. I just feel like there is no point to life because I don't want to trust anyone again and give my heart away to have it crushed in this kind of way again. Break ups are one thing and much easier to deal with than the bitter bitter taste of betrayal. I had been doing so well and life might have been manageable before betrayal became a part of my history forever. I feel angry with them, angry with why such twisted things always have happened to me my whole life and and I wonder if I am some horrible person and this is what I deserved.

 

And I'm nervous they will be happy forever and get married. It makes me sick knowing that I was basically the stepping stone for them to be together and be in love and happy forever and in return, I suffer a deep pain and psychological mind **ck that I won't ever be able to let go of because I know myself too well. I'm so terrified of how bleek my future looks because I won't be able to get over this. Everyday I only walk this earth seeing no point to it all with a bitter taste in my mouth. And I feel like I was used for four years til my ex felt ready to move on to another girl and set his sights on my friend. I feel like they spit on me and I was gum under their shoe. No one values me and people always put burdens on me just because they can. It hurts to know someone I spent four years with and loved deeply though we had many rough times, could do this to me. And that my "friend" has been so sneaky and deceitful and disrespectful towards me. I sound like a broken record because I feel like I've said these things over and over to my friends but I can't stop feeling so broken-hearted. I lost so much from this break up. I lost him, I lost a "friend", I lost trust, I lost the ability to feel content in life (at least I felt this way after the break up before I found out my ex's girlfriend is someone I trusted), I lost my dignity, I lost my pride (I feel so embarassed that people know of what he did), I lost the ability to be able to look back at my first boyfriend, my first love, my first person I made love to and think of good times and feel good to remember things because now every memory looks like it's covered in poop.

 

NOT TO MENTION, yesterday for the first time in 3 months, he liked a video and a picture on my fbook profile and I was honestly so surprised and then completely angry at the nerve he has. I don't understand too why he did it. What was his motive? Why would he do that when he has a girlfriend?...and I'm the ex and we haven't spoken in 5 months since the break up besides a small run in with each other at the end of March....and why would he do it when he must know in some small measure that it's not nice towards what he's doing. And she and I are facebook friends too so it's very possible she'd see that he Liked a photo of me and my video and know he was was on my page. I'm confused. It's strange behavior, particularly since I thought she probably would tell him that I must KNOW about them because I gave her that vibe last week when I didn't speak to her.

[ferna3069]

i know how you feel. i know how it feels to be betrayed.i was betrayed in a different way and it devistaed me, it feels so bad to have some one you love to turn there back on you. i know some people on ena might tell you its noone of your business who he dates. but when its a friend like that. that you confided everything on. it is your business you have the right to feel hurt. you trusted both of him he could of atleast had the respect to date some one else and not your friend

[Carus]

So sorry to read your post....I felt every word, mainly because I went through the exact same thing....

 

The contacts may come for a while yet but this doesn't guarantee he's gonna come back to you. Try to get into NC and stay there. It is so very hard but the quickest way through this fire*

 

I still think of her and the life we had every day...but that soul destroying pain and confusion has long subsided....

 

I'm 2 years out and still affected by what happened...and 'they' are still blissfully together....

 

I pray it wont take you this long*

 

Sending You Strength

K2* 8-)

[Mustachio]

I, like Kalgan, feel your pain, because I was there too, not in the exact same way, but similar enough that I know exactly what you are feeling.

 

First of all, I just want to make a couple quick points. Yes if he had found someone else, someone that wasnt your friend, the pain would have been different, less... maybe not.

 

Also, like Kalgan, I am nearing 2 years since my breakup. It was the worst thing I had ever experienced, it hurt worse than anything I could imagine. I felt so betrayed, I lost trust... all the things you said, I felt them. I still think of my ex, but the pain of the betrayal and all that other stuff went away a long time ago. There is still some pain, but its more like a memory of that pain, sort of in the same way you can still sort of feel an old injury.

 

I think you should delete and block them both from facebook, at the very least until you are in a better place to deal with them and your emotions have settled to the point where your rational thoughts can win out over your emotions regarding them.

 

I too wondered what I did to deserve the pain while my ex was seemingly so happy off in her new life with her now new husband. I have come to realize that I did nothing wrong, my only fault was putting myself in a situation like that with someone who did not deserve my trust. And in the end, after my pain has subsided and she has faded from my memory, she will live on with the guilt of knowing what she did for the rest of her life.

[deavyin]

I feel your pain as well. I think it helps to realize you are not alone in this. I have been betrayed twice in my life. Once was 4 years ago when my g/f of 5 years left me for my best friend of 12 years. On top of that, I worked in the cubicle next to him. He left his wife of 4 years (they had 2 month old twins) so that he could steal my g/f away from me. I really thought I was never going to get over it and I too had visions of them happily together that haunted me. They were together for 1.5 years (not even half of what I had with her) and they have been apart ever since. I really thought they were going to get married but I was wrong.

 

I am going through the exact same thing right now on a slightly less painful but still f'd up level. I went out with my coworker for the past 3 months and just 2 weeks ago she left me for a guy on our soccer team. I have to see her everyday at work and know that she is with him. On top of that I had to quit the soccer team and I can no longer go to happy hours or team parties with them because they'll both be there.

 

It's a very tough situation I know but If I got over it the first time (and i am completely over it) and I know I can get over it this time then you too can get over this.

 

Here is what I learned the first time: if you keep in any contact with your ex and his/her new partner you are only going to keep the wound open. I know it's hard since you have to see this 'friend' on a regular basis but you need to cut them out of your life as much as possible. First thing first: remove them from facebook!!! there is absolutely no reason to have them on there. This guy betrayed you and he doesn't deserve insight into your life and you need to do everything in your power to keep your mind off of them and, by keeping tabs on their life, you are not going to be able to do that. After that, delete all pics, texts, emails and chats as well as remove them from every contact list you have. These people are no longer your friends. Right now it is about you and your healing and you need to find a way to move on. The more you cling on to them the easier it will be for them and the harder it will be for you to move on.

 

I'm sorry if I seem like i'm lecturing at all...I really am not. I learned a lot of lessons after my first time being betrayed and I still have a hard time listening to them this time. After enough begging and pleading I realized that this current girl is not coming back, she made up her mind and she is selfish and only cares about her own interests. She led me on until she found someone she was more interested in and then she threw me under the bus. It's hard, but we need to take these people off of the pedestals we placed them on and see them for who they are.

 

Believe it or not, there are people on this planet who do in fact take the high road. From now on, surround yourself with people like that. If you are ever on the flip side of this situation, you will know how hard it is to be betrayed like this and you won't do the same thing to another person. That makes you a better person than most out there.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Go NC and stay that way. As hard as it may be and as much as you might slip up at first it is really the best thing to do. If you see her at rehersal, do not say hi, do not talk to her and do not even look her in the eye. This person only cares about her selfish needs. Rest assured...they will not get married and they will not be together forever. You sound young and this was a first love and those are always the hardest to get over. Still, you will one day look back at this and realize how over it you are. You will always have twinge of regret and a little pain in your chest for giving yourself to someone who could do this to you. But that pain only makes you stronger because it's one of the most powerful human experiences in existence and you are witnessing it right now. You are more human than ever before.

 

Just know that the way you feel will pass with time (and distance) and that it's all a natural occurrence of your body as it fights the trauma of what happened to you.

[cardinalsings]

Thank you all for such wonderful responses. I am just getting a chance to read them all now. I'm really glad to hear that you all know what I am going through and that I'm not alone with what happened to me. I know there are worse things out there in the world, but something about this whole situation particularly from HER end is so purposely selfish and deceitful. I've had some new developments occur that I wanted to share because I'm still taking this step by step. So, she put up her first album on facebook in 2 years and put only a few photos with some girl friends and one of the photos is her and my ex with his arm around her and she is laying her head on his shoulder at one of his performances of a show he is doing. Something about her putting up the album feels vindictive and I'm wondering if it could be because she saw my ex like my photo and video...He has yet to put anything of the two of them yet. My whole cast of my professional play that she is my understudy of all found out because I told my best friend there and he felt everyone needed to know. So, while we were all out everyone found out and I was so overwhelmingly grateful by everyone's shocked responses and disgust. They couldn't believe she had it in her to do something like this because she is acts like a supremely sweet and innocent, nice girl....they thought this was so wrong and they called her a an idiot, etc...anyway, the point is, I was so grateful for the support and mutual feelings that I'm having. I also found out after the cast discovered my terrible news, that when she came to cover me a three weeks ago, she came up to him and asked if anyone knew anything. He was confused and of course said no and then she said nevermind it was a joke, but then even sent him a facebook message the next day saying to forget about what she said the other day and it was a practical joke. On top of it, he told me he also ran into my ex at an event for a Broadway show and he was with a make friend and when his friend found out that my cast mate is in the play that I am in, his friend said "oh his girlfriend is in that too" and my cast mate said "you mean ex girlfriend WAS in it........" and somehow the topic was awkwardly not addressed and changed by my ex. And that story really hit home to me as to how seedy this whole situation is that not only was she my friend which my ex knew what a bond we had and how we spoke on the phone a lot and texted and such, but that he has an easy time associating my play now with her instead of me and how he could even DO something so entangled and messy is beyond me. The same goes for her. If she doesn't want people talking about her or thinking she's a terrible person, she shouldn't have done a terrible thing to her fellow castmate and friend. I mean, there are TWO codes there that she broke.

 

Also, someone on this thread said they figure I must be young still since he was my first love. Yes I am. I am 23 just to answer your question.

 

I know I have to move on but it's so hard to because my heart still loves my ex, but my head doesn't understand how he and her could do this to me and could be together, and yet so the mixed emotions keep me in this constant battle of having to win over my feelings of love for him and keep telling myself I can't anymore. I have decided to give away or sell everything my ex ever gave me....which is a lot of stuff that I could have a yard sale along with a LOT of stuffed animals he always bought me that I can give away as donations. I think this will help me feel like I erased all the time I wasted on a person capable of doing something like this and will make me feel like I got some type of revenge because I think it would hurt me even the slightest, tiniest bit to know I threw away or sold the things he gave me. Thought I might as well try to make some money out of the time I wasted....lol

 

Well, I will be deleting them both soon but I want to wait til after Thursday because I don't want to completely scare off my "fake friend" so that she still comes to her lat softball game for our team before she leaves for her new show she was cast in that's a few hours away. I want to say something to her. Nothing too much just something potent, but I don't know what. I'm wondering if any of you confronted the "friend" and what you said or what you think would be best to say?

 

I can't help feeling like being vindictive but as of now, I haven't yet done anything towards her or him, but I feel the only small bit of vindictiveness I can think of that would make me feel better would be to upload all the hundreds of photos I have from my four year relationship with my ex into my personal photobucket account where I already have bunches of photos of friends and such....so it just looks like a photo account I've had for years with everything and everyone and this way my "fake friend" can think I may have had this account since before the break up. I was thinking of placing a link then to that album on my profile and hoping if she looks at my things which if she a normal girl,I would assume she does and would hopefully notice the link and then be able to see that he and I were in fact in love and did many great things together. I think she doesn't think we had a great relationship at all because all I ever told her were about the fights and problems we had. I want to just upset her a little as she has upset me by seeing these photos. Does this sound like the best and most clean kind of little revenge I can have to make myself feel better? Only thing I'm worried about is that she might try to copy what she sees in the photos and start doing more really cool things with my ex like he and I did and that will make him love her even more. Because as of now, I do know that they don't do everything together and he used to want me to share with him in the fun things he did so I went along with him to places and events extremely often....she doesn't seem to go to every little thing with him and may have more of a life haha than I did. It doesn't seem that she even comes to opening days of his performances like I used to try to do. So, I just am a little worried she'll see the photos and realize that she has to step it up and go to more events with him and be more fun by going to gun ranges and trapezing and things like that.

 

deavyin, this may be a silly question but how come you think my ex and "friend" won't get married and be together forever?

I unfortunately think they will.

 

Also, Kalgan, you said "The contacts may come for a while yet but this doesn't guarantee he's gonna come back to you." You think that him liking the photo and video was a sign he may still have some sort of feelings for me? I don't know, I doubt it and I doubt he'd try coming back to me at all when he has a new girl.....I wouldn't take him back of course but it would be nice to experience him trying to come back and missing me so that I could shoot him down and also make him feel he missed out.

[Carus]

I'm wondering if any of you confronted the "friend" and what you said or what you think would be best to say?

Things got messy and I even had the cops calling me etc....Try not to do anything. It can make things worse. Feel anger but do not act on it. It will pass.

 

About 5 weeks after the event I got a 5 page hand wirtten letter from the 'friend' saying how sorry he was and how messed up his life is etc.....

So although you are in a lot of pain right now, it's probably no bed of roses over at their place either. For one she is dealing with a guy who has just come out of a serious relationship and they would both be harbouring guilt....This is their punishment. You dont have to do anything. Guilt can eat away at a person for years*

deavyin, this may be a silly question but how come you think my ex and "friend" won't get married and be together forever?

I unfortunately think they will.

I cant sugar coat it for you Cardinal*...It may happen. Thats how it went down for me and a few others I know on this site. Rebounds and instant relationships have a high probability of not lasting beyond 6-8 months (some do though obviously) so my best advice to you is to make yourself scarce and let whatever it is run its course. By staying in contact through whatever means you can find, you will only continue to see and hear things you really dont want to see or hear!

 

And listen carefully: The more contact you have right now will only help to solidify their new RS.

 

Keep that in mind when the urges to contact come....and they will*

Also, Kalgan, you said "The contacts may come for a while yet but this doesn't guarantee he's gonna come back to you." You think that him liking the photo and video was a sign he may still have some sort of feelings for me?

Even though he 'seems' to be forging this new life without you, all the feelings, thoughts and emotions he hasn't dealt with would still be swirling around in there somewhere. So of course he will be thinking about you pretty much every day. This does not mean he wants to come back......yet.

 

When someone rebounds and continues to contact their ex, in psyche it is called 'Triangulating. It causes the ex a lot of confusion, false hope and pain, and the worst thing is that the person doing it doesn't really realise what they're doing....

 

If his rebound fails AND he wants to come back, he will send clear signals.

If his rebound works out, the contacts will eventually stop.

This is how it goes.

 

The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. Eat. Sleep. Breathe. Thats all you need to do. By reading on the net and letting some time pass you will start to pick yourself up again and start walking. Google the Stages of Grief. It will help you to understand what you are going through.

 

When the contacts do come in, dont freak out. Just deal with it best you can and realise that it's nothing unless its something...if you know what I mean heh.

 

Best of Luck.

Stay Strong in the Storm.

Ever Forward

K2* 8-)

[deavyin]

The reason I think they will not get together and marry is because all relationships, statistically, have a 50/50 chance of working out. A relationship built on such a shoddy foundation has even less of a chance to work out. That is why I think that they will not end up together forever and get married etc etc.

 

I know it's hard to imagine that, believe me I am in the same boat. The girl who left me is with someone new and in my mind I can see them married with children and a white house and the whole nine yards. That doesn't mean it's going to happen. My brain knows that, even if a relationship ends up failing, it could take a while and so it just jumps to the obvious conclusion "they'll be together forever". It's almost like: well they might as well be...by the time they break up i'll have moved on which means I have to heal over this, which is a long process, knowing the whole time they are together. Unfortunately, that is often how it goes. It's crappy but it's the truth. It's also why NC is so important. Right now it's very hard not to think about them together but eventually you won't. You won't think "it's saturday...i bet they our doing something together right now". Eventually saturdays will just happen. However, you won't get to that point any sooner by keeping tabs on them.

 

It's hard for me because i can check the roster and see when each team she is on has games (he's on both teams too) so I will know that they are together on those days. Also, I can check facebook and see what kind of activities she is up to. You have to find a way to eventually stop checking that stuff and move on with your life.

 

She has a game tomorrow and on sunday. I know that, at least on those days, they will see each other (they live 45 minutes apart). There is a 100 percent chance that they also have something planned for this weekend. These are extremely haunting thoughts I've had before. Eventually i'll just accept the reality of it all and start focusing on what i'm going to be doing this weekend.

[cardinalsings]

Ok this first post is for Kalgan. Thank you for the response. I'm so sorry for the situation you went through, it sounds so intense and terrible.

 

You said that my ex and "friend" may be harboring guilt, but I unfortunately don't think that is the case. At least I definitely don't think HE does feel any guilt. I mean, two weeks after we broke up he liked a ton of her profile photos and that made me think that he had to have had a crush on her before we broke up and even might be WHY we broke up....because he met a girl (her) who he found wonderful and wanted the freedom to try and pursue. For him to like a bunch of her photos so soon after we broke up and kind of give her a message...meant to me that he didn't see it a problem to pursue her even though she is my understudy and friend, and that's even more blatantly obvious now that they are together. On top of it, he probably feels justified to be happy and be with whomever he pleases particularly because he may in some ways still resent me as he claimed he did because I "ruined" the relationship by constantly fighting with him almost daily and accusing him of flirting and liking other girls and being very insecure and jealous. Which I now greatly regret for causing so many fights and being so jealous...

 

Unfortunately, it seems also from her end that now that she knows I know about them, she has no problem posting photos of them on facebook and being open about the relationship. I don't think she has much guilt either in all honesty. I think she was just worried about being gossiped about and ruining her standing with the castmates and people at our show.

 

I also don't think either of them have guilt because we all have mutual theatre friends that were in their show that they did together and my ex and her went to a wedding where they knew these theatre friends would be and have been quite public in front of THOSE people about their relationship. They have even been a bit public through facebook because he had left her a kissing anime love song youtube video and some smiley faces here and there on her wall and I had seen her liking a bunch of his things on facebook as well as leaving posts to people that she knows he and I are good friends with which are people she recently met and facebook friended. He seems very open about the relationship and proud of it and now she does too.

 

So, I haven't had the urge to contact him, but I did think it would be funny if I liked some photos of his or something just to piss HER off and make her wonder if there is still contact between me and him and if he may still have feelings for me and I for him. But that's a bad idea right? You said: "And listen carefully: The more contact you have right now will only help to solidify their new RS." Can you explain to me why that is? Because wouldn't being in contact but without instigating problems and just being friendly actually make her upset and jealous and bitter which would in effect cause them lots of talking about me and problems and return would make me look like the better girl in his eyes? I'm asking because this happened to me when he and I started going out. He was still in contact with his last ex of 3.5 years and they were still friends. I became distrustful of him and thought maybe they still had feelings for each other, I became upset and jealous, and I started voicing my problems and so he stopped contact with her FOR me which later he came to resent me for.

 

Also, I have a unique situation because she is leaving after this week to work at a theatre a few hours away and she will be gone for three months. It's kind of rigorous because she probably will only get a day off a week and otherwise will have rehearsals and performances daily...So the only way he and her will most likely be able to see each other is if he keeps visiting her, which I'm sure he will as I know him very well. So, they will be apart physically and not be able to see each other too often.....maybe me being in contact somehow would be ok in this type of situation? I'm asking because I want to audition for the next couple of shows at the theatre where he is currently performing since I know the director and have performed there before....if the director were to cast me in the next show or two coming up, he might cast my ex in it too and we would have to see each other almost daily and interact together. I could be cordial, civil and happy and maybe he'd see he missed out and this way it would also upset her to know we have contact with each other while she is away from him most of the time...........

 

On top of it, I want to ask you....my best friend is currently in a show with him at this theatre and I wanted to go see her in it to support her, but he is one of the leads in it so I don't know what to do....if I don't go I look like I'm still avoiding him. If I go, I don't really want to even say hello or congratulate him when right now the wounds are still fresh and he doesn't deserve me speaking to him and also I would have to feel awkward knowing he knows I read his bio in the playbill that he thanked HER. But the upside of going is that it would strengthen my ties with the director and he would think that I am ok with my ex and being cast along side of him for future productions because I have a feeling that he didn't cast me in the last couple of shows because he needed my ex to fill the guy roles and he didn't want to cast us in the same shows together thinking it would cause discomfort.

 

Also, I want to ask, you're sure that this is a rebound? The reason I am not sure is because he kept very very busy with doing three shows at once since we broke up and so I'm positive that it seems to him that a lot more time has passed than it actually has. I guess I'm really correlating time with whether it's a rebound or not. They started the beginnings of something about 3 months after we broke up and to people that seems like a short time after a 4 yr relationship, but in HIS time, it might have felt like double the time had passed.

 

You seem to be well-versed on terminology and what is possibly happening with my ex right now based on what generally happens after break ups and these kinds of situations. So you really think he was triangulating? Or could it just have been that he was bored on facebook or happened to be reminded of me and there is really nothing more to read into his "Liking" my photo and video? I mean, this is the first form of contact from him in 3.5 months since they started dating and then moved into boyfriend/girlfriend territory. I didn't even get a Happy Easter holiday text so I thought for sure he had forgotten about me because at least for Christmas and New Year's he had still sent me a general holiday text. And from just the fact that I know him, I don't think he is thinking of me everyday. I think he has forgotten me but thinks of me once in a blue moon. I think he is good at training himself to stop thinking of things. I'm pretty sure he also knows I know what's going on at this point because the same week he did those things to me on facebook, my friend had stopped speaking to him at their performances and had been avoiding him because she is disgusted with him for me so she told me it appears he may from my friend ignoring him have came to the conclusion that I know what's going on.

 

If you could also tell me what you think I should say or do as far as when I see her for the softball game this Thurs, especially if it gets back to my ex......I thought about just saying to her "I thought you were my friend and I trusted and confided in you" and leave it at that. If she tries to say anything else before I get a chance to walk away or divert my attention I'll just say I don't want to hear it because she has been deceiving me this whole time so she doesn't deserve my attention and understanding and then I could walk away. Last game I just ignored her and so she steered clear of me. I don't think she was too bothered by it though. I really think neither of them feel much guilt or remorse or think they are doing something messed up.

 

I'm sorry this is long and a lot of questions, but I'd appreciate the advice and especially from someone who understands. Thank you so much.

[cardinalsings]

deavyin, I understand how you feel. I find myself wondering if they are seeing each other on the weekends and what kind of things they do together. I imagine it's all very similar to what we did and the kinds of dates we had. I'm also thinking about how sick it makes me that he wears the expensive watch I went to so much trouble to buy him for his birthday and he wears that everyday he is with her and it doesn't bother him. He holds her hand and checks the time and that damn watch is there and she also probably has no idea or doesn't care it's from me. I also think about how I left this thing of mine attached to the headrest of his car seat because the passenger side was "my seat" and I'm sure he is now driving her around in that car and took off the thing I left so she wouldn't ask questions and know it was mine. Although, he hasn't yet changed his youtube or acting account passwords from our special nickname we made up for each other, but the thing is, he is just the kind of guy who doesn't automatically go throwing things out or getting rid of things. He's kinds lazy about it all. Also, I wonder and am pretty immensely positive that all the naked pictures he ever took of me that are in a special folder on his computer....are still there along with the photos he took of me naked when we were breaking up are probably still in his photos on his phone and I find that hilarious to think about because she doesn't know. I almost want to tell her to tell him to get rid of all those hundreds of naked photos and videos of me off his computer and phone please. Hah. She also doesn't know he has a sketch of me and him in his room as well as a glass figurine of our faces. They are probably now under a pile of clothes because he is extremely messy but I'm sure they're still there. And there are so many more things I can think of that disgust me like how I gave him the perfume I always loved him wearing for our four year anniversary and now he wears that when he goes on dates with HER. And plus since I know her, I can't help imagining how much he likes her because she is so nice and so positive and energetic.

 

Yep, I get where you are coming from. But I kinda think they will be together forever because he is 27 and she is 25. I think he is beginning to feel he needs to know who the person is going to be that he is going to marry and also because he pursued her with such vigor and may have liked her pre-BU and make have broke up with me to pursue her....I don't think he is going to **ck this one up and is going to make the effort to make sure it works out and hold on to her tightly because she is a great catch. -Pretty, nice, talented, independent, smart, positive, energetic and everyone likes her because she puts on this nice complimenting routine.

[Tryptophan]

I bolded those parts because they describe exactly how I was feeling a few months ago, and this may sound cliched and boring but: it gets better. You're heartbroken, you feel betrayed, and you were. You're hurt, you're angry, you're depressed, you're obsessing about their relationship. That's how I was. It's been nearly 5 months and for the first month, I cried and I cried 3-4 times a day. The second month, I cried 2-3 times a day. The third month, I cried 1-2 times a day. During the last month, I cried once a month, and recently I went 4 days without crying.

 

What I'm trying to explain is that you just need time, you need to live the stages, and just rest assured, my friend, that it will get better. I also thought this girl was my friend. She was his best friend so we were to some extent friends as well. Obviously, after he and I broke up, she was there to console him and whatnot. When we were LC, he would mention she was helping him a lot through the break up (I bet!). I've had dreams of them having sex, making me make food for them (crazy, I know), and just kissing while I watch in the corner. My mind still goes wild at times and pictures them making out.

 

What sucks is that out of all the girls in the world, he chose her. This was one girl that I always had a particular dislike for during our relationship because of how close they were (best friends). It kind of made me think that our relationship was meant to end this way just to give them way to their romance.

 

It still hurts but it hurts less than it did in the beginning. Let it hurt, cry all you need to, and just tell yourself you have to accept it (even if you don't right away). Telling yourself this will help your brain adapt to the new situation and to the pain. The worst is over (you found out), and now you just need to heal. You will be fine.

 

Anger was the longest stage for me, and I found it helpful to write in a journal, or write down my feelings and burn them. I did a lot exercise, and just cried and punched my pillow. I still go in talking-to-myself-but-really-imagining-he's-there rages where I scream all the things I would say to him. It really helps to let it all out and honestly, it's better than he's not there because I've exaggerated the situation to the nth degree just so that I live through all the possible pain that can come out of this. It has helped to go out and talk to new guys too (started at the 3 1/2 mark), and realize that there are much better people out there than him. Someone out there can appreciate out you more than he did.

 

About the marriage thing, I have also imagined that. Someone said that there's 50/50 chance it'll work out but it honestly shouldn't matter, and you shouldn't wait or expect it their relationship to fail. That's not moving on, that's creating hope or seeking revenge which is normal but also realize that it might work, but by the time that happens, you'll be all healed, and maybe even dating someone. If it works, oh well. If it doesn't work, oh well. The point you want to get is that, indifference. Who gives a **** what they do with their life? It really shouldn't matter what they do. It's about you, not them.

 

It will all come to place, I promise you.

 

I am here if you need someone to vent to . Stay strong.

[Tryptophan]

One more thing, I just read this from the OP:

 

Does this sound like the best and most clean kind of little revenge I can have to make myself feel better? Only thing I'm worried about is that she might try to copy what she sees in the photos and start doing more really cool things with my ex like he and I did and that will make him love her even more.

 

Don't do things based on what she or he will think. The more time you invest in them, the more you're picking at the wound. It's not really revenge, you don't know how she or he will react to the photos. It might just look like you're still hanging on to the relationship. It would be more productive for YOU to get rid of the stuff you have of him (pictures, texts, emails). You know, out of sight, out of mind.

 

The 'revenge' might work, but it also might not work but keep in mind that's more time you're investing in these pair of idiots. They're not worth your time. This is time you could be using to improve yourself. The best revenge you can have that will benefit YOU is to move on with your life and stop worrying about what these two morons do with their lives.

 

(Sorry that I called them idiots and morons, I'm in an every-ex-hating mood - lol).

[Carus]

Ok this first post is for Kalgan. Thank you for the response. I'm so sorry for the situation you went through, it sounds so intense and terrible.

Thankyou for your acknowledgement and your compassion. Yes it was intense and terrible and I am still dealing and healiing from it at 2+ years out! Yes it does get a little easier*

You said that my ex and "friend" may be harboring guilt, but I unfortunately don't think that is the case. At least I definitely don't think HE does feel any guilt. I mean, two weeks after we broke up he liked a ton of her profile photos and that made me think that he had to have had a crush on her before we broke up and even might be WHY we broke up....

Wel firstly, Facebook is a fake reality and is definitely the anti-christ when it comes to BU's. I guess the point I'm making there is that people dont post their day to day cr*p on FB. It's usually happy pics, parties etc, so you're really not getting much truths out of anything on there....

 

The times you go looking on there will get further and further apart until you just really dont care what they're doing*

 

And I know it's easy (and possibly a little cathartic) to villianise our ex's when we are hurt, but unless he's a total emotionless robot you can bet he feels some guilt or resentment to what has happened....Maybe not all the time, but when he's alone laying there by hmself I would almost guarantee his thoughts turn to you and what an ass he's been.

So, I haven't had the urge to contact him, but I did think it would be funny if I liked some photos of his or something just to piss HER off and make her wonder if there is still contact between me and him and if he may still have feelings for me and I for him. But that's a bad idea right?

Right. You are better off starting to train your thoughts away from him and 'them' and start nurturing yourself. You're gonna need You over the next few months so be kind to yourself and be patient too. Man if there was a pill I could take to make that pain etc go away overnight I would have bought a box!

 

But no, there's no shortcuts through it, so be patient with yourself*

You said: "And listen carefully: The more contact you have right now will only help to solidify their new RS." Can you explain to me why that is? Because wouldn't being in contact but without instigating problems and just being friendly actually make her upset and jealous and bitter which would in effect cause them lots of talking about me and problems and return would make me look like the better girl in his eyes? I'm asking because this happened to me when he and I started going out. He was still in contact with his last ex of 3.5 years and they were still friends. I became distrustful of him and thought maybe they still had feelings for each other, I became upset and jealous, and I started voicing my problems and so he stopped contact with her FOR me which later he came to resent me for.

Well basically when 'they' have a bad day or an argument or something, he may turn to you for comfort etc, but then once things subside a bit he will run stright back to her again to continue with the fun stuff. So in his subconscience this associates you with bad stuff and troubles, and her as the fun stuff and good times. Not good.

 

All RS's go through their ups and downs so dont be his cushion when they have a down spot. Let them deal with it and let it run it's course. By being there and assuring him all the time you then give him strength to continue on with her.

 

I can understand your thinking with what happened before but although it made you a little jealous did you actually break up with him over it? No.

if the director were to cast me in the next show or two coming up, he might cast my ex in it too and we would have to see each other almost daily and interact together. I could be cordial, civil and happy and maybe he'd see he missed out and this way it would also upset her to know we have contact with each other while she is away from him most of the time........

I would hate to see you pass up opportunities just because of one person but you need to ask yourself can you really go through with it. Seeing him daily I mean.

 

I'm in two minds about it. NC is good in the way it helps you get off the drug and get your life moving again, acceptance if you will. But it can also turn the ex into a bit of a mythological figure who you pedastal and remember all the great things about them.

 

By seeing him a lot you may be able to build up a resilience to him and also achieve acceptance that way.

 

It is a descion you will have to make I'm afraid. If you do decide to not audition I wouldn't worry too much. There will be other opportunities in the future and this is all about You and healing from this wound right now*

On top of it, I want to ask you....my best friend is currently in a show with him at this theatre and I wanted to go see her in it to support her, but he is one of the leads in it so I don't know what to do....if I don't go I look like I'm still avoiding him. If I go, I don't really want to even say hello or congratulate him when right now the wounds are still fresh and he doesn't deserve me speaking to him

Explain this to your friend. If they really are your best friend they should understand*

Also, I want to ask, you're sure that this is a rebound?

I never said it was.

 

Although I recognize that a lot of sudden relationships....Ok Ok I'll say rebounds.....dont last much past 6-8 months, I also have now seen that some of them actually do.

 

They're relationship is now their relationship and it will run it's course whatever that may be...just like all relationships. It may last 2 months. It may last 10 years. You just dont want to hang around waiting to find out. Kapish?

You seem to be well-versed on terminology and what is possibly happening with my ex right now based on what generally happens after break ups and these kinds of situations. So you really think he was triangulating? Or could it just have been that he was bored on facebook or happened to be reminded of me and there is really nothing more to read into his "Liking" my photo and video? I mean, this is the first form of contact from him in 3.5 months since they started dating and then moved into boyfriend/girlfriend territory

Thanks for the accolades. Just so you know a bit about who's posting this, I was asked to be an advisor on another forum and I am currently at Uni doing a Bachelor of Counselling and PsychoTherapy. Handy to have some bits of paper sure but nothing teaches us like just pure experience....

 

And I have suffered much loss in my life. I have lost partners to rejection and death. I have lost children to abortion and to the mother running off and marrying someone else. It really has been a hard road to maintain an ongoing happiness. And after the last and most devaststing BU of them all I carry pain with me everyday, but I've learnt I can still move forward and achieve good things.

 

One of those things was dedicating a big portion of my life to helping others who are just entering the fires*

 

As for the RS/BU/Divorce scene, sure we are all unique and from different walks of life, but when it comes to basic psychology and emotions, we are all wired the same. So I definitely notice common threads than run through all the different situations.

 

And again, Facebook is a false reality and will only tell you half truths and spoon feed you pain. So dont put too much emphasis or creedence into anything that comes outta there. If he did want to see you and even get back with you he will make it abundantly clear.....

If you could also tell me what you think I should say or do as far as when I see her for the softball game this Thurs, especially if it gets back to my ex......I thought about just saying to her "I thought you were my friend and I trusted and confided in you" and leave it at that. If she tries to say anything else before I get a chance to walk away or divert my attention I'll just say I don't want to hear it because she has been deceiving me this whole time so she doesn't deserve my attention and understanding and then I could walk away.

Well firstly, whatever you say to her definitely WILL get back to your ex so choose your actions carefully.

 

If you want my opinion, as hard as it is I would just try to ignore them and go about your day like you're really enjying it. (Cry later heh). They are probably expecting some sort of reaction or scene from you, and if you just carry on like you're not even bothered boy will they be confused!

 

And although some might say you should say what your feeling, like get it off your chest kinda thing, I think you will find yourself being very proud that you just took the high road and left the dustmites in the dust ya know?

 

There will be a time in the future where you might be able to express how you felt at the time, but it will be when you are feeling a lot better and stronger from what you've been through. By reacting to them at this stage just drags you down to their level and will keep the drama dragging out.

I'm sorry this is long and a lot of questions, but I'd appreciate the advice and especially from someone who understands. Thank you so much.

When somebody is outwardly thankful for the support they are getting then it makes it a pleasure to do what I can. Helping others can actually be helpful for our own situations so when you feel strong enough, maybe try helping out on a few other threads....It helps to rebuild the loss of self worth we feel when heavily rejected like this*

 

Sometimes people in denial will get angry when you tell them things they dont want to hear, especially when it's reality based and bursts their little fantasy bubble, but if you really try to take onboard the advice from others who have been through the fire you will find out that most of the time...they were right*

 

Hope this helps Cardinal*. Keep us updated OK?

 

Ever Forward

K2* 8-)

[cardinalsings]

Thank you so much for responding and just in time before tomorrow! I'm glad I checked this. Ok you're right, it might be best to just ignore her and say nothing to leave them confused. Of course at the same time, not talking to her and avoiding her give away that I care so hmmm....well it's the best I can do since I can't be nice to her and talk to her or I'll go against my own dignity.

 

Boy, you sound like you've been through a lot when it comes to relationships! It seems to have made you a smart, strong-minded, and very perceptive person when it comes to people and that's refreshing. I'm also really impressed with what you said that: "I was asked to be an advisor on another forum and I am currently at Uni doing a Bachelor of Counselling and PsychoTherapy" I'm sure it does come in handy, especially when dealing with life problems. You've definitely been making me feel better and feel more clear on what to do and what course of action to take. I really am extremely thankful and I feel that I've often asked advice on ENA and people don't understand exactly where I'm coming from but you do. You can see that I am deeply hurt and feel betrayed and understand those feelings. But you also see that I am in this weird stage where I Still am Crazy enough to want him back and am trying to figure out how to go about my next move so that if there is a chance, he would come back to me in the future....I am even analyzing every move I or they make.

 

I was wondering though.....do you think I should defriend them both on facebook? Or just refrain from checking and keep them there so he or she can still check my profile and photos and see what I'm up to and maybe that will help build in my ex's mind (whenever he sees happy photos of me and the fun things I'm doing) the idea that I might be an amazing, different person he is missing out on whenever he and her may start having a bad day once the relationship leaves the puppy love stage....and especially NOW while they will be somewhat apart for three months.......?

 

And the other thing I was wondering which I actually asked in an earlier post on this thread but no one seemed to address it:

 

I was thinking that it would make me feel better to upload all the hundreds of photos I have from my four year relationship with my ex into my personal photobucket account where I already have bunches of photos of friends and such....so it just looks like a photo account I've had for years with everything and everyone and this way my "fake friend" who is now going out with my ex can think I may have had this account since before the break up. I was thinking of placing a link then to that album on my profile and hoping if she looks at my things which if she a normal girl,I would assume she does...and would hopefully notice the link and then be able to see that he and I were in fact in love and did many great things together. I think she doesn't think we had a great relationship at all because all I ever told her were about the fights and problems we had. I want to just upset her a little as she has upset me by seeing these photos. Does this sound like the best and most clean kind of little revenge/closure I can have to make myself feel better? It also just upsets me that he has never seen most of these photos and doesn't have them and I am stuck with all these photos that no one ever got to see and which he doesn't have. Somehow it makes me feel like the photos and effort for four years was worthless and pointless. I strongly feel that if I put them up and felt like she got to see them, I'd feel a closure that the photos were seen by someone who matters. Only thing I'm worried about is that she might try to copy what she sees in the photos and start doing more really cool/fun things with my ex like he and I did and that will make him love her even more. Because as of now, I do know that they don't do everything together like he and I did. He used to want me to share with him in the fun things he did so I went along with him to places and events extremely often....she doesn't seem to go to every little thing with him and may have more of a life haha than I did. It doesn't seem that she even comes to opening days of his performances like I used to try to do. So, I just am a little worried she'll see the photos and realize that she has to step it up and go to more events with him and be more fun by going to gun ranges and trapezing and things like that. But at the same time, it would get to her a little, discourage her, and maybe make her feel slight jealousy so I dont know....

 

And to keep you updated, facebook really is a pain and from facebook perceptions, it seems they are in love since he left a heart under the photo she put up of them and if I know him....that means love lol. As silly as that sounds, I can tell he is getting to that stage or already feeling it. I seem to have been spot on correct about him as well as all the things I've seen on facebook that led to them going out. I have very good instincts about what has been happening and I knew from little facebook actions that something had to have been going on long before I really found out the truth about them. I actually, in some strange way and I'm not sure how, knew they would be going out this year and remember the thought crossing my mind once or twice while we were still going out last year....I dont know if that was a psychic thing or a strong intuition that I had even while together that only grew stronger after the BU. SO, I feel that if I base things off my instincts that have been working for me so far, I'm worried deleting him as a friend will bring them closer together and they will have less problems because I'm out of the picture. If at least he has my fbook profile still to look at and we remain fbook friends....she can perhaps get jealous and insecure about me at any point in time in the future because he still has access to my photos and can see how well I'm doing and looking....My strong instincts even keep telling me she put her album up with the photos of him and her as a vindictiveness toward me or out of a bit of jealousy because I'm positive she saw that he liked my photo and video. I seem to be noticing she wants more attention from him in a public manner through facebook....she even put up a status today and this girl hasn't put up a status in since the 1800's.

 

i hope you can help me out with what you think on the things I wrote above! Thanks again. After tomorrow's game when I see her, I'll post again as to how things are going and if anything new occurs. I'm glad you came accross my thread and have been so awesome with the responses! You're right, I definitely want to start helping others who start to enter "the fire" since I know what it's like. But first, I have to heal more and understand more of what I'm going through and then I hope I can be useful to others as they have been for me. Talk to you soon!

[twitchyfingers]

You are obviously in a lot of pain here. Pain is normal after a breakup.

 

But what puzzles me is the extraordinary amount of thought and energy you are giving to try and control the perceptions, feelings, and behaviors of these other people (your ex, and his new girl). Trying to strategize facebook, photo uploads, casting decisions, all with an eye to making this other woman react in a way that you want. And to what end? What will you gain?

 

Do you see how this is unhealthy for you? Would that energy and thought be better spent focusing on positive changes you can make in your own life, things that you can control that will make you a better person?

[Gerda]

Cardinal: Thank you for posting your experience, believe it or not I find it inspiring because I am in the same boat. Different circumstances, but many of the exact same feelings. The thing about constantly imagining them together--that is the most distressing part of the recovering process for me. To hear that so many other people experience the same thing (constantly compelled to think about things that only bring pain) encourages me, because it means I am not doing it because I really liked him that much, or because I'm just a crazy-jealous person, or because I have no self-control. It's because that's what people do when their heart is broken.

 

And I totally know what you mean about them not feeling guilty. My ex moved on almost instantaneously to a girl who was causing problems in our relationship for its last couple weeks--obviously not a coincidence! Like you, I think she is the real reason we broke up. She was the reason we were having problems, and she was causing problems for a reason--because I correctly sensed that she was a threat. He used my blowing up about her as an excuse to end it--said I was blowing every little thing out of proportion. Psh. Lo and behold--now he spends all his time with her. What a cretin, right? But I don't think he feels the slightest bit guilty--people tend to deny unpleasant realities that reflect poorly on them.

 

I hear a lot of you idealizing her--that also I can totally relate to. Many years ago I experienced an awful betrayal where a guy I was sleeping with was also sleeping with one of our coworkers at the same time--total humiliation because I didn't know he was sleeping with her, though apparently it was common knowledge! So I was the girl he was secretly sleeping with, while he openly slept with her. It used to drive me crazy seeing her at work all the time. She seemed like a great girl and all I could think about was how perfect she was, absolutely perfect, and how he was proud for people to know he was with her, but not so with me. I feel the same way with latest ex's new flame. Thinking of her brings me the most pain, and I totally know what you mean, that if it had been somebody else you didn't know it wouldn't hurt so bad. You wouldn't have fodder for your imagination, easier for you to block it out. Things that make me think of this girl fill me with total rage, despair and self-hatred. She is perfect to me, I am awful. But while that may be how I feel, at least now my brain is able to assert that this is not the case. I think back at that girl from years ago that I worked with, who I thought was so perfect compared to me--she wasn't. She had flaws I didn't know about because it's not like she would be broadcasting her flaws to casual acquaintances. She could have had all sorts of problems--lack of intelligence, lack of emotional depth, inverted nipples, sagging breasts, a life-long disease I didn't know about, and so on. It may be, that if I knew everything about her, I wouldn't trade places with her for the world. And that may be the same situation for you. You will probably not be able to see that for a long time, though, I know how uncontrollable emotions can feel when you are in the true insanity of a breakup recovery.

 

I don't think you should say anything to her. If you appear in any way to be deliberately causing trouble for them, it will only make them more determined to stay together because of their pride. The fact his ex still carries a torch for him will make him appear more of a catch to her, and the fact that you are making snide remarks to her will probably only boost his ego. As much as possible, I say don't let them see you sweat, your pride will thank you later when you still have it. And I don't think you should do the photobucket thing--it seems like playing games, and there is no good reason to play games in relationships. It always ends BADLY.

 

My unique piece of wisdom I want to pass on to you is this: Justice will prevail. Sometimes it takes a very long time, and often we are too far moved on to even see it happen, but it WILL happen. In some cases we have to wait until after death to see justice, but in a situation like this--it will almost 100% certain happen during your lifetime, in fact most likely during the next decade if not sooner. Similar to what somebody said before--almost all relationships eventually fail. I highly doubt these two are going to be one of the (I'm guessing here) 5% of couples who have awesome relationships from their twenties until death. No, they will probably hurt each other. He will either pull the same thing with her (HIGHLY LIKELY) or she will crush him. Either way, you at least are getting this pain out the way now and there will be a point in the future where they do not matter to you any more.

 

Also--defriend both of them on Facebook. They are not your friends. It's not like FB sends an alert when somebody defriends you--they have no way of knowing unless they are looking for YOU among their friends. Again, they are not your friends, they are tacky, selfish people who are probably feeding off the excitement of the "wrongness" of the situation. Not. Your. Friends.

 

Best of luck to you, thanks again for sharing your story.

 

Twitchy--If Cardinal is like me, she is doing all this over-thinking and over-analyzing just because that's the kind of person she is and that's the way she does things. I am that way. It doesn't matter if it makes no sense, it doesn't matter if it's unhealthy, and it doesn't matter if it's a waste of my energy--logic holds no sway over me when I am in the throes of this type of heartache. It's like a computer program--has to run its course and in my case that means about a thousand gigs of thinking and analyzing and scenario-playing and contemplating and so on.

 

Somebody posted a link here to an e-book called "7 Reasons You Don't Want Your Ex Back." It helped me go from constantly and miserably obsessing over my situation to only periodically obsessing over the relationship, with a lot less despair and with more rationality. The rubber band trick. It helped restore my sanity. Highly recommend.

[cardinalsings]

Thank you so much Gerda for writing and letting me know that what I'm going through is something I am not alone on and that I guess these are the stages one goes through during the time of feelings of betrayal from an ex and a friend.

 

ANYWAY I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM NOW. I went to the softball game yesterday and she was there for her last game. She was all dressed up in a dress with sneakers on and her hair done wavy with a pretty pin on one side and claimed she had an audition after the game according to a castmate. I mean, really? Come on. No one really spoke to her of the cast mates, not too many of them said much of anything since mostly everyone seems to know...boy does gossip travel fast. And people have my back and think it's so terrible and only what a vicious person would do. Then she left early AGAIN but it was ok because I decided to take the high road anyway and not say anything to her. So, I ignored her again during the whole game and never said hi. But when she was leaving something propelled me to say bye hoping to sound a bit snarky or hoping to intimidate her or something. But I think my bye just sounded general....but I think she took it nicely and she turned around when she heard me say it and said bye to me SO nicely and smiled and waved and I almost wanted to punch her in the face because it's like REALLY? Do you have a brain problem?! You are dating my ex boyfriend!!!! And I sorta looked at something acting like the game took away my attention. BUT, she must have thought about that and then sent me a text after she left being super sweet and said hi! and telling me I looked super relaxed by the tree I was sitting by! And that she knows we didn't get to talk but since it was her last game she wanted to tell me to have a great summer! And then she said, here's this link to that site i remember you were asking about on our train ride home. And she topped it off with telling me she hopes it helps!

 

And I'm just thinking.....THE NERVE. How can she continue to not address what she has done and to even go out of her way to speak to me and be friendly. Anyway, I took the high road at the game and now I'm pissed because it's like she tried to take the high road back....even though that's impossible because she did a horrible thing so there is no high road to take for her.....I'm so pissed because she put me in a tight spot now and I need advice ASAP!!!!!! I need to respond to her today if I'm going to. I don't know what to do....if I don't respond now, I look like a * * * * * and she looks like a saint at least to herself and my ex. IF I do respond, I can't bear to say oh thank you! Have a great summer! because she is so fake and not my friend clearly because friends don't do these things. OR I can write this: I took the high road the last few times I saw you, but it seems you have made that a game since you continue to pretend to be my friend. I want you to know I thought we were friends, I confided in you and I trusted you. You turned around and used me and my life to your advantage and played me with sneakiness and phonyness. You could imagine my surprise to find what you could do to a friend and castmate who was nothing but kind and there for you. You both deserve each other for the lowly beings you are who have no respect for others. That's all. Bye.

 

WHAT DO I DO?? PLEASE GIVE ADVICE.