why am I beating myself up over this...

[texaslove]

So I just walked by my ex at work for the third time this week so far (what a great way to spend my school vacation for the next week huh)... I have done NC for two months with the exception of a short letter i sent and one text a month later asking if her received the letter. Both of those with no answer. I walked past him Monday and saw him turn around in his chair and look at me while at his desk. I deliberately looked straight forward and kept walking (I had to pass him twice). Yesterday, even though I figured I had been hurt enough and reached out twice, I had to be the bigger person. I had to go to the storage room and so i passed him and was talking to a co-employee, but on the way back I stopped and tapped him on the shoulder..I asked how he was doing and he said "ok, but Id be better if i could get time off of work and i got my first nose bleed of my life last week" (random)... He asked how school was going and how my family was... but the tone in his voice was monotone and low and just sounded so unhappy and he could barely look at me. I felt like I was stepping on his toes and invading his territory... but I just wanted to break the ice since we work around eachother.

 

Tough situation... I just walked by him again...but his back was to me but i know he could see me laughing with a coworker and smiling while walking by. I just want to feel more comfortable around him, and i know that may take a very long time. I just want to cry..

 

and here's the kicker--- After talking to him yesterday and just knowing how he said I wasnt losing him, but that things weren't working out, we broke up, but then he has ignored me ever since... I hold true to those words, but i also know it couldve been a nicer way to let me down?! I just know the guy i talked to yesterday... the way he looked at me, I dont want him anymore, not as a significant other... I just still very much care about him and his wellbeing and I feel like he is spiraling into a dark place with everything that he has going on in his life. I don't think I ever did anything that hurt him, always just gave love and support.. i am not perfect and we had our fights and jealously... but i never said hurtful things about him or his family, cheated, or disrespected. SO WHY do I FEEL SOO GUILTY?!!! I feel bad for him! I feel like I need to do something to help him and make him happy, but he is no longer my "responsibility"... he kicked me to the curb and told me that nothing anyone can do, including me wil make things better.. time and himself wil just have to work it out... So why am I beating myself up over how poorly his life is right now. Everyone here at my work feels bad for him and his dept because they are all so stressed out and he is definitely getting bad end of the deal.. I just dont want to keep crying for him.. and being upset for him and feeling pain that is unneccessary... WHY am I not upset because of the way he talked to me and he broke my heart, and yet i am more sad because i feel he wont ever be happy... esp now that he let me go (maybe i am giving myself too much credit).

 

I go back n forth.. wanting him back, hating him, sadden by him and then for him, and then wanting him back again... this rollercoaster really needs to end.. its been two months, lets speed up the ride and get it over with!

[Ambiguous X]

You are not responsible for other peoples happiness. Working with your ex is tough...but you must defend yourself against guilt trips. Go back to NC and start over.