Relationship with a depressed person

[Nixee]

I've been seeing a man for a past few months who I have actually known for quite a long time, and I guess I always knew he had problems with depression/anxiety from time to time, but it seems only recently is it becoming more and more of a problem, possibly because we are closer and spending more time together, and possibly because of his situation.

 

He is currently unemployed and very stressed and depressed about this. He is job hunting every day, but is having no luck. It seems he can list thing after thing after thing that he hates about his life and his situation - he is tired of where he lives, he doesn't get along with his family, he doesn't have many friends and his closest friend is moved out of the area (other than me I suppose)... and on and on.

 

He was seeing a therapist for a very long time, and then his therapist actually moved out of the area. She left him with a list of potential new therapists to call. So far the one's he has called either cannot take on new patients or have not returned his calls.

 

I genuinely feel for him - I have had experience with depression. It is horrible, absolutely horrible. Couple the lack of motivation and caring with the overall bad odds and bad luck he is having and it is a complete downward spiral.

 

My heart breaks for him - he is extremely intelligent, extremely empathetic, caring, tremendous potential... and it seems like he keeps falling into the hole he can't climb out of and I know that I cannot help him out of. And I do know that he cares for me as well. When he is feeling up, he is very caring, very warm, very wonderful to be with.

 

However - with the nature of depression,when he is down - if I try to help - I often get lashed out at by him and he pushes me away. If I tell him that I feel hurt, it makes him feel guilty, and then he gets mad that I made him feel guilty or tried to start a fight with him over MY feelings. In his mind - he is feeling SO awful, and for me to turn it around and tell him that his depression is hurting me is just a slap in the face to him. Yet... I don't know what else to do at sometimes. My instincts in a relationship tell me that I have to stand up for myself - I have to say when I am hurt and stand up for my needs getting met.

 

After being a shoulder for him yesterday for a few hours, and trying to offer support which was basically met with nothing but negative comments, I finally said something like, "I feel like I can't get through, like I have no effect on you, or things I say don't really matter and things I do aren't appreciated" which triggered him telling me that I basically don't matter to him, that no one does... because he doesn't even matter to himself.

 

That statement hurt. Not only to think that he really is thinking that way - but also to think that he truly lacks the ability to care about me right now. It hurts on many levels. ....

 

So I don't really know what to do. I want to be there for him. I am the closest person to him right now, and I want to be able to listen to him and support him and give him what he needs. But how do you do that best when it means also taking abuse? Not getting your needs met? Giving love and support only to have that person basically tell you they don't care at all about you or if you are there? How are you supposed to stay strong and believe otherwise?

[Ms Darcy]

Leave Nixee. I dated this guy for two years. If and when he recovers, he is going to associate you with that dark place and leave. It's not worth it. You don't have to put up with this.

[Nixee]

I see your point... feel that fear at times.

 

I'm kind of his only close friend right now. And I love him. This isn't just some guy I'm dating who is treating me bad - he means a lot to me, and we have been friends for years.

 

I really want to work on being better at knowing how to cope with relating to him. If he truly does just ditch me in the future in the way you say, that is something we deal with then. We have had times in the past in our relationship as friends where he has pushed me away even, and we have recovered from that. So I guess for now, though yes, the anxiety about future damage is there - mostly I just want to learn how best to handle him... or step back if need be. When to speak up and when to not. Because it is REALLY hard.

[tiredofvampires]

I don't think it's useful to predict how someone will behave based on how someone else behaved. Because all people react differently to their situations.

 

Is he on meds, Nix? Perhaps while he's looking for therapists (and he should try to find names from his GP or other sources -- even go to the phone book, that's what I've done in a pinch), meds will be the way to go in the interim.

 

Some people are endogenously depressed -- it's a chemical imbalance that'll always be there. For others, depression is "situational", which is as a result of life circumstances. Or, it's a combination of both.

 

Which do you think he has? How much of his depression is innate and how much due to the hard knocks, do you think? Or do you know? Has he been depressed all his life, or even when things go better?

 

That might help you to figure out what you're dealing with and something like a prognosis.

 

I think for now, you should tell him that you want to be there for him, but that when he says things that attack or are geared to hurt you such as that, you feel it rises to the level of abuse. Use the word ABUSE. Tell him that even though you know it's the depression talking, and not really him, you can't just stand by and keep turning the other cheek while he gets that kind of thing out of his system.

 

Ask him if he can see your position (since he has empathy) and ask him what he'd do in your situation.

 

Do this when he seems more calm and open to you. NOT when there's a flare-up.

 

I've had a lot of depression in my life, and one thing I don't do is lash out at people. I know everyone is different, but even if you're depressed, you have to be self-aware and work with what's coming out of your mouth. It's not impossible to ask that. I don't feel anyone should have a license to say, "Well, my illness made me do it" -- it's a bit of a cop-out imo. It'll take some work, but first he has to recognize what he's doing, acknowledge he's doing it, acknowledge that the guilt he lays on you for making him feel guilty is not fair, and come up together with strategies for how he'll deal with situations when he's overwhelmed instead of this, and what you're going to do to protect yourself.

 

Make it clear that you love and value him, but that if he values you, he needs to actually care enough about the prospect of his not caring to the point that it'll give you no choice but to leave. You have to make it clear that your ability to take the hits and the blame is not endless.

[Nixee]

Thank you ToV.... I think I really needed this affirmation.

 

Oddly enough, what I study in school is psychology, I myself have dealt with depression, and I have also had it in my family. But knowing a lot about suffering and psychological disorders or simply being around it just isn't quite the same is being intimately involved with someone and sometimes ending up as their punching bag.

 

I try very very hard to be calm, tell myself to detach when needed, that he doesn't mean things he says when he goes into a sad/anxious/angry rage - but I am emotionally involved and it is a real exercise in patience.

 

As for him - He has suffered on and off from depression for most of his life, yes. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that what he is experiencing right now is greatly deepened by his situation. He is actually very logical, generally even tempered and able to stay cool and realize that things will be okay. In other words, he is not suicidal - just down. I would most accurately describe him as dysthymic. Less awful than major depression, more functional, but more chronic and with occasional bouts of extreme anxiety and/or despair.

 

It is definitely prevalent in his family, and he has no doubt that it is genetic in him. I don't question him. However he has had a number of situational things that have only made matters worse too.

 

As far as treatment - he hates medication. He takes anti-anxiety medication as needed, but he has been given a number of antidepressants and has hated them all. None has given him much benefit and all have given worse side effects to the point that he is highly resistant to trying more. What he seems to be most open to, and even longs for is a new therapist. While he never felt 100% improved in therapy, that did help him. He has just been without one for several months.

 

Fortunately this afternoon, though we had a little more serious talking and at first he seemed a bit on edge and ranted at me a bit, I tried to keep my calm as best I could, simply told him I was very sorry for our previous fight. He then started talking to me about looking for therapists. I hope this is a positive sign for him.

 

Whenever I have been depressed, just like you, I also have tried to be self-aware and not lash out. When he is only feeling sad and self-loathsome, he generally won't. It is when I say something that angers him that he lashes out. The trouble is - it is so easy for me to say things that anger him very unintentionally... forgetting how sensitive he is in the moment.

What I bolded that you said pretty much hits the nail on the head regarding my frustration. While I feel horrible about making him feel guilt over my needs while he is feeling so down.. at the same time, it isn't quite right that I should then be made to feel guilty for making him feel guilty. It is a big ol' shame spiral, and at the end I generally end up sitting there saying to myself, "but wait a minute... how did my own needs end up once again being made to feel invalid and unimportant, simply because his feelings are out of control?"

 

I will definitely try and talk to him when we are both calm. And hopefully figure out what best to do, and how to react. My big fear with him is retreat. That even though indeed I DO have a limit to how much I can take... I guess I fear that my limit may be higher than his. I fear at times that he could walk away before I would. Simply because in his mind - he tends to think that being around others is a burden on the other people - that sometimes it is better to spare them the negativity that he brings. Though he does care about others, and he expresses pain over people leaving him who can't handle dealing with him, he will also at times try to express indifference at the thought of losing people - as if it is just inevitable because no one will want to be with him for long anyways. It is heartbreaking. And I don't want to walk away... but the feeling of constant threats of leaving hanging over us also prevents some closeness as well.