It is time and I am ready

[Carthiana]

6 months will be here September 1st, and thus starts our divorce filling. I have done a lot of thinking, and I am confident that I am ready for this, and to move on and do what must be done.

 

If you read in the divorce section, you can read my long and wordy (gomen) detail of what happened. Only one person responded, sadly I was hoping for more advice, feedback, other assessments of the situtation.

 

I didn't cheat, or lie, or steal, or anything. I tried to be all I knew how to be: me. And in the end it turned out not being good enough.

 

This is my second divorce, and I am quite frankly not very anxious to look toward finding someone else as I don't need 3 strikes after it is all said and done. I didn't marry in the first place to get divorced.

 

I've found that friends I thought were good friends were and are not. I have very VERY fewer friends that I thought I had. And only those few are good ones, that don't lie, will do what ever they can for me as i would for them. I need to find better friends; i am tired of these 'rainy day friends' where they will ask me for all i can give (since i am probably overly willing to help all the time) and won't be there when I do such in return.

 

I know i deserve better, and it is hard to believe that w/o thinking i am being selfish. I have found company with a gentleman that is non-pressuring, that reassures me that there might actually be people like me out there, who have not gone though what I have gone through but still think the same way, preceive things the same way. I am enjoying the company, the banter, the conversation. It gives me hope for my future, and that it might not be one alone but with someone.

 

I feel like im out there trying to find the part of my heart that i feel someone has, and i am missing it. I want to go more places, do more things, in hope that doing this I will see and hear and know things I never did before. I can add to my list of skills, know more, learn more, and meet more people. i want to learn from my experiences, and hear the advise others have to give. i'm sure it would come in handy at some point.

 

I am looking now that I would like to have friends, better friends, both guy and girl. I had very few people around to help me though this seperation now pending divorce, and it has been extra hard. Why can't I find someone else like me that gives their all to their friends? I can't be the only one that wears there heart on their sleeve.

 

I know im still weak, afraid, nervous, upset, anxious, angry at all of this. From the divorce, to my ex to be, to the situtations that arose in the past and that are now buried.

 

I have more love for myself, and yet my family has less trust in my decisions. Divorce taints a person for life it feels like. I just see it as unfair. I know im not a number not a statistic.

 

I deserve the love I gave, and was willing to give, and do, and all that. God strike me down if i be searching for something I am just not deserving of in return. I'm tired of looking, being the one to act, being the one to ask, being the persurer, I want to be persued. I want to be chased, wooed, even being the tomboy i probably am. Saying I can't be both is just an excuse. I am who I am.

 

I know in my heart I deserve better, i just worry that better isn't out there, or just isn't in the cards for me in the future.

[solstice48]

It's out there for you, with the feelings you have in your heart how could it not be?

[fantasia2004]

I agree with solstice . Do not change for no one if they can not accept you for you. In time someone special will come to your life and really rock your world.

 

Let it be known also , to get rid of the trainy day friends because you will know who your friends are when you are faced with a problem.