Very, long relationship/several breakups/etc.

[edougale]

I'm not sure I'm in the right category for this but this is my story. I dated a guy and lived with him off and on for about 15 yrs. The first five were heaven but then we broke up because his communication skills were lacking so much, we could never discuss problems.

 

He eventually told me we weren't meant for one another (even though we loved one another) so I moved out and met another guy. After dating the new guy for a month or so, the old guy called to say he wanted me back, that he was foolish to let me go and he was only going through a depression.

 

I didn't know if it was right to go back so I didn't right away. In the meantime, I started developing feelings for the new guy and could not go back to the old one. What happened is something we both ended up regretting because he began to stalk me, causing lots of problems with the new guy, police, etc.

 

I know he was just 'hurting' and not knowing how to deal with losing me so I eventually forgave him because I loved him also. To make a long story short, we ended up in a 'triangle' for almost a year, which was my worst nightmare because I could not choose between either. After much heart ache and confusion, I ended up dumping the new one and went back to the old one.

 

Things went OK for next 3-4 yrs and we never dated anyone else. We were exclusive to each other and spent practically every spare second together. Then the communication problems starting again, fighting started again, we broke up again. I would say we broke up and got back together about 4-5 times in those 10-12 yrs. But we always went back to one another. Call it co-dependency or whatever but we endured.

 

The last break up we had was so heart wrenching for me, I told myself it was over for good and just to be sure, I had to get away altogether to try to get over him and forget about him. I told him one night I was going shopping and instead I hopped in our car, and drove out of state to go live with my married daughter and try to start a new life there. I heard NOTHING from him and I was gone 4 months. I would have thought he'd try to contact me there to see if I was OK, but no. And of course I got to missing him after 4 months, so called him and apologized and we cried together on the phone.. you know how that goes.

 

He ends up quitting his job, renting a UHaul and totally moving all our things to where I am. Of course I was thrilled he would do that for me and in the name of our relationship (co-dependency again). We were fine here for about 2 yrs, then broke up again. This time we DID stay away from one another for over a year. We remained friends and called one another periodically to make sure we were 'ok' and he went on with his life and me with mine. Except he eventually met someone and has been dating her for about 6 months now.

 

I never truly got over him, thereforeeee was not interested in meeting anyone else, so I stayed dateless and alone for a couple years. Thing now is I am desperately HEART BROKEN that he is with someone else!! It's like he is no longer there for me. But he said he still cares about me and always will since we have such a long history together. But he also says we cannot be together anymore in a dating manner (only friends) and it is killing me that he is going to fall in love with this girl.

 

I just have never been able to 'let go' and I am falling to pieces now. The ONE person who has been there for me for the past 17 yrs, is no longer there. He would always take care of me if I got sick or help me with my car when it was broken down or whatever I needed under any circumstances, he was ALWAYS available to help me. I would like to somehow spend some time with him to tell him I still love him (he knows I still do) but more so, to tell him I am afraid we will have lost what we had all these 17 yrs.

 

I don't want to push myself on him or be clingy but I am finding myself coming apart at the seams now. It's like we are breaking up for the FIRST time, not the zillionth time! And I know it's because he has NEVER had anyone else in his life up till now. Please help if you can. I am so depressed, do not want to eat, sleep or even go to work.

[sparkler624]

You two have been through a long relationship with a lot of ups and downs. I think that you are just feeling jealous because he has a new girlfriend. I bet he felt the exact same way when you were dating that one guy, which is probably why he acted so weird. I know you want to be with him, but I'm wondering if this is only because you two have gotten back together with eachother so many times that you just figured you would again. I feel it would be best for you to look for another man and a relationship that will be more steady. Take a positive approach, maybe him hooking up with another woman is a sign that this time you should move on. There is a man out there for you, you shouldn't be the one waiting around for the ex to come back when it might end up as another tally mark in the break up/make up column. Good luck!!!

[melrich]

Hi edougale,

 

I have just been through a somewhat similar situation. You use the word co-dependency a number of times and I think that is very apt. After such a long relationship we stop thinking of ourselves as individuals and start to think of ourselves as being part of couple. It is hard to find our self again.

In my case, after 14 years and a number of breakups, we had the final one. She initiated it, i didn't want it. After about 4 months I thought I should move on and I found a partner. My ex then started to have regrets and it was a difficult time for both of us, she had not made much attempt at moving on. I think you need to work on seeing yourself as an individual again, and know that there is a life outside the relationship you had and often a much better life. It will be hard, i understand that but put yourself at the centre of the universe for a while...every day will get better.

[edougale]

Richgabe,

So, if you found a new partner now, after all these years, how is it coming along? Do you ever see your old girlfriend and if she had not moved on, has she tried contacting you to get back together? This is just so very, very hard after all these years. Maybe if it were only couple year relationship, it would be easier to move on but after 15 yrs! Am curious to see how you really feel about your situation...

 

Thanks,

Eileen