After NC, then hanging out... then what???

[k33]

Ok, so my husband and I split about 6 weeks ago. We did the NC for a while and last week we hung out a bit on Saturday, Sunday (made out then) and went out on Friday night. Things seem to be going ok. I guess.

 

I am usually the one to initiate the calls/getting together. He's the one that sees no hope, but is really warm and snuggly when we are together. So what do I do now? Do I continue to call him every 5-6 days to check in or do I wait? NC seems a little silly now.

 

Once it starts to get going with complete baby steps... what do you do next? I haven't seen any questions like this on the forum... I so want to make it work.

 

Any suggestions or help?

[Hopingpraying]

K33,

 

Didn't have time to go back and look at any of your previous posts, so I guess I need to know a few things and will check back later..

 

1. Who broke up with who?

2. What was the reason? Is it just a case of one of you needing space?

3. Have either of you addressed the reasons for the breakup?

 

If the two of you are able to be civil and loving to one another then I don't see a reason for NC, but that can depend on how well the two of you are able to communicate? Have you tried consueling?

 

I guess I would not advise no contact, but at the same time you shouldn't be the one doing all the contact either.

 

Look forward to seeing your reply.

 

H&P

[k33]

Hey,

He broke up with me. We are living separately. The main reason was too much fighting and not enough peace. We have not addressed the issues at all. I don't want to bring them up yet, and not sure when would be appropriate...

 

Communication is a big issue. He is not very good at telling me what is going on with him emotionally. Not a real verbal guy. I think I might be a little too verbal.

 

We have talked for about 2 minutes about the relationship. He says he doesn't want to talk about it... And when we don't we get along great. He is saying that he doesn't want to get back together, but he sure acts like he does when we are together...huggy kissy, hand holdy, sweet, you know like a boyfriend or something. veeeeerrrrrryyyyy confusing.

 

I told him we should start over and see how it goes. Take it slow, spend some time together and just see where it takes us. We are from different countries, it was a year process to get together and very expensive and a lot of travel. Lots of work. So I feel like throwing it away is a huge waste of an amazing love.

 

I haven't talked to him since friday night, I sent a brief email trying to help him find a sublet. He's staying on a friend's couch. I know that we can't just move back in, so I think a sublet is a good way to go. Kept it light and friendly. He hasn't replied, don't know if he got it or not... I wish I had read receipt!

 

I am not sure where he is on this, and I don't want to push him away as he is starting to come around. It is all so weird.

 

Any suggestions?

[single30]

I strongly suggest couseling.

You need someone to help you two talk about things, you sound so much like my husband and I in that we just didn't talk about what is going on. and now we are getting a divorce, but even today, he would "snuggle" with me. Get into counseling before too much time has passed.

[Princess777]

Since you are still legally married, I see no need for NC at this point. NC is wonderful for unmarried couples, but CAN be devastating to married couples, in my opinion. You are past all the games once you get married. There is no need to play with each other emotions or feelings anymore to figure out where their heart is. He married you once, he evidently cared for you deeply at one time, unless he married you for the wrong reasons.... does his having a different cultural background connect with that in any way, so one of you could live where the other did? Do you think he may have misled you into this for his own personal gain?

 

You seem to genuinely want him back. I am not sure how long you were together. Do you think some of your problems were culture differences? For example, ways of speaking, calling things different things, etc., I was in a relationship with someone of a different cultural background and it was extremely frustrating to get along with him. Needless to say it didn't work out.

 

If he's the quiet type, the best thing to do is listen. Less talk is more with these kind of people. It might take more effort and patience than you're willing to give..... but if you really want him to open up, then I suggest keeping off the subject of your marriage for awhile and just concentrate on doing things that make you and him happy and hopefully he'll see that you care for his well being and it will cause him to WANT to talk. While this can work for awhile, sooner or later, you'll want to know where you stand in his life so that you're not wasting your time, or his.

[k33]

We were together for little over two years married a little over a year. He is Australian and I am American. So I don't think the cultural differences were that big. Although the pub thing was a bit much. He loves the sports and pubs... which is fine. But it was more often than I would like.

 

I am sure he married me for the right reasons not for gain into the US. He had never had any inclination to travel or to leave Oz. Strange for an Aussie.

 

I don't think I can get him into counseling at this point. I would love to do it, we went for a while then when things were getting better we stopped going... guess we should have continued. Do you think it would be helpful for me to go alone?

 

So would it be ok for me to call him later in the week to go for a beer or something? I have been inviting him to thinks I know he'd like to do. And I would too.

 

I will try to keep up the charade of not talking about the "relationship" right now....

 

Ugh. This is such a pain. I really don't want to lose him, I am so affraid of messing up.

[Princess777]

Thanks for the additional info.

 

I'm not sure, but I could venture to guess that (if you're positive he didn't marry you just to gain entry to the U.S.) that he may be homesick. I brought a British guy here and he just got so homesick it was pathetic.... he wouldn't even admit it but breaking up was the best thing we did for him, so he could go back home. But he was REALLY a mama's boy. We only lasted 3 years. I don't think he was with me just to gain entry either, he genuinely loved me and showed it a lot. He just couldn't hack the fast pace of America, the crime rate, the freedom of weapons, etc. I've lived in England and met several Australians there too. Things are much more laid back there. You have to understand that it would be like one of us Americans moving there and changing our whole lifestyle. It is NOT easy! I know, because when I lived in Europe I was miserable. I wanted to come home so bad.

 

My advice at this point is to talk to him about how he actually feels about living here. Could it be that he might be afraid to tell you that he misses home, or wants to at least visit? If money is the problem, why not make a goal together of saving up enough to at least let him go home for a week or two. Of course if you can save up enough for both of you to go together, that would be even better.

 

Assess his personality to determine whether this might be the reason why he is distancing himself. If so, after your attempts to reconcile, you might have to let him go back. I know it was costly and difficult to get him here and it seems like a waste, but I went through the same thing..... I decided that people's happiness is more important. I wish you luck and I hope it works out. He may just not want to tell you that he's homesick for fear it will make him appear weak. You will have to sacrifice a lot to stay with him, I know that. But he has sacrificed a lot too, by leaving his home for you. He may be feeling a bit resentful..... I hope not.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[k33]

I thought it was a homesick thing too. But get this he wants to stay now. He says he has no desire to go home at all. I mean if it were me and I wanted to end it and I moved there I would probably high tail it home. THe main things he has here are me, couple of pub buddies and a job. At home he could get a job easy and has loads of friends who would love to put him up until he got on his feet.

 

He says he wants to stay to earn money to pay me back for everything. I don't buy that at all. He's not much of a saver and I haven't seen any money except for bills I paid after he left.

 

My over analytical mind thinks he might want to fix stuff, but won't admit it yet.

 

I agree that it was crazy hard for him to move over here. I was totally willing to go over there in the beginning, my best friend is there. It was through visiting her that I met him. So I felt like I would have a better support system. I've told him a million times how much I appreciate it.

 

I've also told him he should go home for a bit. And I was up for moving over there in a couple of years... He told his sister when she was over a couple of weeks ago that he was going to stay here. (There's a long story, she stayed with me!)...Now I am not really willing to relocate with everything up in the air as it is now.

 

Know what I mean?

[Princess777]

Hmmm... kind of sounds like he feels guilty that things aren't working out like he'd hoped.... but then if he wants to stay, that puts up a red flag too. I truly hope he didn't use you to move here.... how awful that would be. If he's only been here for that short of a time, I think he would have to go back if you got a divorce. I don't think they have the opportunity to take the citizenship test until after they've been here for a certain number of years. I am unsure, it's been so long ago.

 

Regardless, if he's sending you all these mixed signals, it sounds like you've already given him a lot from yourself. I really don't know what to say at this point other than he's going to have to talk to you like an adult and tell you what the heck is going on in his head. Tell him that you're both adults and you need to know what he's thinking about so you can make the most of your life..... tell him you've both worked so hard at your relationship and marriage, and getting him here, and that something's got to give. If you've already waited around on him to talk, and he hasn't, it worries me that he has ulterior motives or is depressed. It's got to be something driving all of this. Ask him if he's not homesick, then what is it? Finally, tell him that you can handle whatever the truth is, and that you need to know. Ask him to just be honest and get it out in the open so you can work on whatever it is together. Ask him to stop pushing you away. That's what I'd do.

[k33]

I absolutely think he is depressed. I got some information from his sister that depression has been a problem in his life forever. He had been pushing me away, and seeming (to me anyway) sinking deeper into this pit. This isn't what he wanted either. But instead of working through he just ran away. The way I figured it, this relationship was going to be difficult. He gave up everything for me, and I gave up a lot for him. There will be resentment and stuff if things aren't going well. I am probably stupid for hoping to reconcile. Everyone I know thinks I am.

 

I am absolutely sure he didn't use me for a green card. Our relationship was too real, and if he was he wouldn't risk it by leaving within the first two years. He won't be eligible for a permanent green card until next July. So if he was after that you'd think he'd be nice as pie until then. You know?

 

I do need to talk to him, but I am willing to give him a little time and space to get his head around things. I don't want to make any snap decisions. But I think he has decided that he doesn't want to get back together. Which makes his behavior of late confusing as hell. He has started to let me in at least a little bit. So I dunno. I thought I would call him today or tomorrow to see if he wanted to get together, the NC thing is totally lame in this case.

 

Whatcha think?

[Princess777]

Yes, NC is not good for your situation at this point. You are married. You don't have to do that. You made your vows and you owe it to each other out of respect to talk things out. I find it odd that he has moved out... he must be serious about his intentions and this is concerning. I hate to say this, but is it possible he has met anyone else?

 

You really need to talk to him, girl. Try to get him to open up in any way you can. If he keeps clamming up then I dont know what to say other than you need to make a decision about whether or not you want to spend any more time waiting on him to come around. After all, marriage isn't like "going out"... there are no free passes to just move out and see what's greener... I just don't agree with what he's doing and I probably wouldn't put up with it very long, but that's just me. I would try to get him to talk and if he didn't, I'd move on. Who wants to be where they're not wanted anyway, right?

 

I am sorry he is doing this to you. I would ask him straight up what he needs to make it right between you and him again. Then tell him what you need for the same. After all, you're not the only one who needs to work at this. Sooner or later, your glass will feel so empty from giving to him and waiting so long that you won't have anything left to give. Know what I mean? He needs to see that you respect yourself.

[k33]

I know we need to talk. It's just really hard to get him to talk. Heck it's hard to get a hold of him, I just have his cell phone number, and he has been known to leave it at work. I called last night, but haven't heard back. I know the general area where he lives, but no exact location. And I don't want to stop by, makes me look like a stalker or something.

 

I am pretty sure he's not interested in working it out. But like you said we are married, so I can't help but want to try. I don't take the vows thing lightly. And I do adore him still. I am sure he isn't seeing anyone, but I get the nagging feeling of what if he is meeting someone right now?! Which is lame. Neither of us wants to see anyone at this point, you know.

 

I have been respecting myself and letting myself feel the gamut of emotions that are going on. One day I think I don't want anything to do with him, the next I am dying to be with him. It's crazy making. I am willing to give it some more time, but not a whole lot more. I'm sure he's feeling the same way. I wish he would stop being so damned stubborn and TALK!!!

 

Another problem with this situation is the people he is hanging out with, they are bad news, and when I look back at when the troubles started it was when he started hanging with them. I know he is staying with one of them right now. I am not being paranoid, I have past experience with them. They are friends with my ex.

 

If I had any idea any of this would happen I wouldn't have done any of it. It hurts so much and I really want to fix it. At least I think I do. I need to spend more time with him to figure out what is best for the long term.

[JustPlainSad]

Its very difficult to talk things out when he doesnt want to talk. That is wrong of him to do and to some extent immature and weak. Its hurting you. Have you let him know how much he's hurting you by not talking things out. Maybe you should let him know that you're not gonna talk to get back together. You're gonna talk to sort all of this mess out. If he doesnt open up a little bit then he's the wrong one not you. From what I have read, you've been doing the right things. Keep it up. Remember you have to heal before the relationship can heal.

[k33]

He knows it is hurting me. But I think he might think I am doing a little too fine, cause when I see him I am so happy. I don't sink into the depression thing in front of him. He has said that he is really mad at himself for not being able to communicate with me properly over the course of our relationship. He really is bad at talking about his feelings. His sister verified that this has been a problem his whole life. And when he gets upset or freaked he tends to bolt and avoid.

 

I dunno... maybe he'll call me back in the next couple of days. I really hate this.

[Princess777]

OK, I just have to say this.... he's your HUSBAND and you don't know exactly where he's living?????? That is not right. What if you have an emergency or something? I thought you knew where he lived and what's he's doing and everything..... WOW. I just couldn't deal with that. If my husband left I'd have to know everything or we just wouldn't be married anymore. Come on, don't let him do this to you anymore!!!!

 

Why on earth would he not tell you where he's living???? That is insane. What has he got to hide? How long has it been since he moved out? Wow I am so sorry! If it were me at THIS point I would be finding out where the heck he is, or at least go to his work to find him, and tell him he better be straightening up or he's shipping out, and quick. You do not deserve that crap. You are his WIFE. Remind him of that.

 

Sorry that just bothers me.....

[k33]

It is really, really whacked right now. I agree. I think it all is really strange. He wants space, I'm giving him space. You are totally right though. I know where he is, generally, and could find him if I really needed to.

 

And to make it stranger his work is a job where he goes to different locations everyday... so I can't even find him at work. LOL. I guess it is really bad. I didn't really think about that too much. But you know when I read your post, I burst out laughing... It is really really messed up. I guess I didn't see that so much...

 

He doesn't care about the marriage right now, so using the I'm your wife thing will make things much worse. As if that is possible. I am hoping to sit down with him soon.

 

I really am not a doormat, I swear. I just figure if he wants space I'll give it to him. One complaint was that I didn't give him enough space, if he wants space oh he can have it.

[Princess777]

You are right, you probably didn't really see the big picture.... we never do, dear, until it's too late usually. It's okay though, we're here for ya.

 

He doesn't care about the marriage right now, so using the I'm your wife thing will make things much worse. As if that is possible. I am hoping to sit down with him soon.

 

Well, this is what I have a problem with. He HAS to at least face the issues of your marriage, he is your husband..... he said his vows just like you did. He is evidently very immature.... is this guy pretty young? Of course people do what they choose, however, it's not very ethical to just say, "I don't care about my marriage at this point, I'm going to just erase that part of my life right now until I figure out what I want".... come on, that's just plain silly and immature. Not to mention selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. Wow I am so sorry..... I can only imagine your pain right now.

 

I'd be marching right over there to wherever he is and demanding he give you the respect to tell you what the heck is going on with your marriage because you have better things to do than wait around for him and his partying buddies to decide to grow up.

 

Maybe you're just not a good match..... I know that when I met that foreign guy I thought I was doing the right thing but I look back now and he was the worst kind of guy for me. It was so bad, I cannot believe I ever was with him, really. I was at a low point in my life when we met and wasn't thinking rationally.

 

Well I hope this helps some.... I realize you're afraid of messing something up but to me, it's already messed up by HIM. I mean really, how could you make things any worse at this point by demanding some communication? How long has it been since he moved out?

[k33]

Ok. So the whacked thing is he is 37 Years Old. Not a kid at all. (and I am almost 34) I don't know if we are a good match or not. I thought we were, liked lots of the same things but also had outside interests. So a good mix. we liked to stay up til 1, 2, 3 am just talking abou life and stuff. He's really a good guy. I swear.

 

I don't want to degrade myself any further by showing up demanding communication. If he's not going to communicate, he's not. The one thing I know about him is that if you push him like that he can close down, obviously. And if the guys are there he really won't talk to me at all.

 

I really think if he got on an antidepresant and dealt with it all we'd be fine. I would really like us to go to counseling again either to fix things or get a bit of closure. He is really messing up right now... and has in the past, not to this extent, but you know stuff about living here etc.

 

I feel totally used at this point, I don't think he did it on purpose, but the effect is still the same. I am doing fairly ok, pain wise. It's been a while so I am getting used to the craziness. No one gets it at all.

 

He moved out on June 18 so a little over 6 weeks ago.

[Princess777]

Wow I am so sorry. He is definitely not a kid then. Hmmmm.... wow. I just really don't know what to tell you. I hope just knowing that you can come here and talk about your feelings helps you feel better and get through each day.

 

I do have to say this, though.... you are trying a lot harder than he is, and pretty soon you're going to wear thin. You are worried more about his happiness and not your own, that is plain to see. I can tell that you dictate your actions according to what you believe he would approve of, and not what you're really wanting to do. Do you think it's fair that he has this hold over you? Do you think that he is more worthy of happiness than you, or that his crisis is more important or takes precedence over your time on this earth?

 

I wonder if he is in a deep depression, like you said.... my husband had some issues with his past and he finally agreed to go the dr. when I threatened divorce (I was serious) and he is on Lexapro now and is seeing a psychologist for talk therapy. It is working beautifully.... I really cannot complain at all anymore. But it took a lot of things to get him to that point.

 

All you can do is lead the horse to water, it's up to them to drink. I wish you luck if you can try to get him to go. It sounds like that's what he needs if he's in that much of a state of denial and avoidance.

[k33]

I know I am trying harder. That's obvious to everyone including myself. I guess I just can't accept or let go of the relationship we have/had. I was married before and this is too de ja vue for me. It sucks and stuff. But if going through this can make our relationship get back on track, I'll do it.

 

I don't want you thinking I am waiting by the phone for him or even planning my life to include him. I'm not. I am going to New Orleans, have gone away a couple of times, and have spent countless nights with friends and family.

 

I figure time is one thing I do have. I don't have to make any final decisions right now, nor do I think I should. I really think he is in a deep depression. Our counselor suggested anti-depressants a few months ago, but he didn't follow through. I tried to help, but like you said... horse to water.

 

I am waiting for the right time to pounce on that. But you know I have to hear from him first. In my heart I know we still love eachother deeply... but my head is saying what the hell is going on???

 

This forum is great.

[Princess777]

Well, I'm going to have to go for today but I wanted to write back and say that I truly hope you can get him to see that he needs to go to a dr. to talk out his problems. If you can get him to a psychiatrist they can prescribe some medication to try while doing the talk therapy with a psychologist.

 

If you can get him to go, I'm sure it would help him. I think you need to go into it with the attitude that you are concerned for him as a person instead of thinking it might fix everything, cause it might not. I even know this with my husband.... even though things have been wonderful ever since he started the medication, I know there is still the possibility that everything will go pear shaped and fall apart. It's something I've accepted..... but I know I'll be okay without him if it happens. It will be hard though...

 

I am sorry you've been experiencing this. *hugs* Good luck to you dear and I'll speak to you later.... PM me anytime if you like.

[k33]

Well I still haven't heard from him. I know he's working crazy hours and looking for a place to live. But I did hear from his best friend, she says that this is a bit of a pattern... self sabotage, feelings of unworthiness and depression. Until I can talk to him I can't do much more. I don't want to be calling and stuff. His friend is going to try to contact him to see what is going on. She thinks that we can work it out...

 

She may be an overly optimistic sort. But I have to say that hearing her say what I was thinking was a load off my mind. Really helps to have a close person's perspective.

 

I had a really hard day yesterday, but today I am feeling a lot better. Ranting is good for the soul!