The Lonely Road

[LaZeRACED]

Hi everyone, just keeping myself sane enough to write my first post. Thankfully, there is such a place that those of us without the support of friends can turn too. And for all those that write back and take the time to answer mine and other posters questions, I tip my hat to you.

 

I guess I need to start from the beginning of my relationship with my ex. I met her at my former job (she was the secretary - I was a telemarketer...yuck) and we would always flirt with each other back and forth until just before my birthday I asked her if she would be interested in going. She agreed, of course, and after that evening and a few phone calls after we started dating. Marjorie attractiveness wise is an above average girl, but no super model; however, it is for that quality alone that I found her so attractive and so appealing.

 

Moving on, form the start of our relationship things seemed okay, not outright magical but good none the less. However, things started changing after the three week mark. After hanging out with her as often as we did, she started to treat me poorly - constantly, letting me do the effort when it came to affection, no compliments and plenty of irritability. She always seemed to be harping on me on one thing or another, very controlling and demeaning, but I was so insecure at the time that I hung on and accepted this behaviour.

 

Now I want to stop there and explain a little history of each other before I continue. On my behalf, I moved to Quebec (French speaking province) from Ontario (English speaking province) to attend Bishops University in Lennoxville (an English university) because of high enrollments and high tuition in Ontario. The catch is I wanted the cheap rate of schooling in the province which means you must reside here for at least 1 year to receive the cheaper tuition. My best friend Rick lived down here as a Youth Pastor in a church so I had contact with him and some mutual friends. I was even dating a girl there, but things feel through before I finally made the 'move.' Too bad...that hurt alot, but I moved on as it wasn't that serious. Anyhoo, I found a place in a small town about 35 - 40 minutes from Lennoxville called Eastman. The rent is cheap $275 for a 4 1/2 and it had many nice features, except one: I was surrounded completely by Francophones that I could not understand and I was in the 'sticks.' But, I made the move to Eastman so quickly from Ontario because I got a job in Sherbrooke, Quebec at ACI

(telemarketing) because it was one of few English only jobs in the area. So that's my history leading up to my ex.

 

Her side: before I met Marj, she lived in Granby for 6 years. 4 of those with her ex Sebastien. She ended up leaving him because she no longer loved him. She doesn't know why she just didn't. From what she said he treated her well, but the love wasn't there. She ended up moving out and met this farmer guy called Ryan. She went head over heels for him ended up moving in with him and gave him her love - the first time that she really loved someone. Needless to say, things went sour, she wound up buying this car which he had convinced her to buy and then he ended up telling her later that he didn't love her anymore and pretty much screwed her big time forcing her to move out on her own. She then started going to school to become a secretary for her future. But loans and her relationship with Ryan left her in debt for $11,000. Broken she was, she moved on and had to take on two jobs: Secretary in Magog and in also Sherbrooke (ACI). Needless to say, she works long days and that is the condition I met her in.

 

Anyhoo, back to where we left off. So, Christmas has ended. I find myself unemployed after being fired at ACI. I get unemployment benefits and pursue the option of going to school to learn French. At this point we've been together for 3 and half weeks. As a gesture of who I am, I buy her a DVD player at Walmart for $80 bucks. Quite reasonable considering she only had a VCR and we liked to listen to MP3's and watch movies. However, she didn't get me anything. I was hurt I thought she could have done something. She said she never had the time as we were always together, but she had plenty of free time on her hour long lunch break to go to Zellers which is 2 blocks away and pick something up. Whatever the case, I love to give, but from my girlfriend I expected something in return.

 

Moving on into January, somewhere in the middle of that month she finally picks up my gift (clear salt and pepper shakers) - after I had mentioned to her on a number of occasions where was this 'so-called' gift she was intending to get me.

 

Later on in January, things finally got to me. Her attitude and lack of effort that was confirmed from my best friend Rick drove me to break things off with her. However, a couple of days later we were hanging out again. Short breakup!! I do remember talking and compromising with her that I could live with her rantings because she said she was under alot of pressure from both jobs. I accepted this because I felt like I really cared for her..twisted as it may be because she never treated my well in the first place.

 

So, Valentine's day comes. I do the 'overboard' and spend $150 dollars on her...milk bath, rose petals, candles, the works. I am really proud of myself, and I'm thinking that this will kick start our relationship. It turns out that while she liked it, she again put no effort in return. I mean it's Valentine's Day. You're hoping for your lover to do something special not a .50 cent chocolate heart! That hurt - not because of cost, I cared less, but the effort behind it. Well a week later and she breaks up with me. She says she's not in love and doesn't feel the way I do about her. Whatever the case and as I can't remember why, Marjorie and I end up hanging out and seeing each other, again. Though we are not going out, we are 'just' seeing each other.

 

Like most things I hang on, and things don't change. End of March comes and my best friend Rick moves back to Ontario. Now, I'm without my best buddy and my only friends are Marjorie and her friends.

 

April comes, she dumps me again. Again, and for whatever reason we get back together. I think I'm seeing a pattern here.

 

May comes, my buddy Rick comes down for a visit, the only time I've been happy since starting French school in the beginning of March and Marjorie dumps me yet again! Of course, it ruins the weekend that I was intending with Rick, but as usual, her car is broken or something brings us back together.

 

June arrives and we go to Vermont and get lost in the mountains. We both almost died because of the experience - my legs are still scarred because of it. While in those hills we were unprepared for anything but a day hike. Both of us with little water, food, and cotton t-shirts and shorts. She had been there many times before, it was my first, and she seemed so confident in her bearings I just followed her along until it was too late and we were stuck. What makes the story dear to me was being trapped in the deep dark, and it being COLD. I remember offering my shirt to her because she was so cold and her lips were blue. I knew that I could have died for giving away my shirt, but it was the first time in my life that I felt I could have done this for someone I love. However, you take it readers, I took one look at her (before it got too dark to see much of anything) and I would done anything to save her. Fortunately, we stumbled and fought our way down Mt. Crawford losing and re-finding the trail by the touch of our feet. We made it out, but only after 11 hours. I never blamed her verbally for what happened, but in my heart I always thought that her stubbornness not to turn around and admit that she was wrong could have killed us. She never apologized to me. She said she felt guilty but not much more than that.

 

Anyhoo, July 11th comes and she finally breaks it off with me. Like reasons before, 'I don't Love you, I'm under alot of stress because of both jobs.' I was broken and knew that this wasn't one of those half attempts, this was serious.

 

Now, I want to fill in some side notes. While her and I were dating, she was always jealous of other woman that I would meet. Constantly, making me feel guilty for hanging out with other people guys and girls. The result was: I focused so much attention on her (so I wouldn't get her mad, and plus I liked that she was jealous because it made it appear she still liked me) that when she finally did leave me I had closed all my doors, stupid! Strange thing about her jealousy was she never wanted to do things with me? But if I did do something she got all upset?

 

Another side note: An ex-girlfriend of mine. Her name is Courtney, and she was a thorn. She's best friends with my sister so I can't get rid of her easily. No matter the case, this girl couldn't stand Marj and thought she was a player. Things got bad enough that one time when she came down to Quebec for one of her horse show things she ended up following Marjorie at this bar so she could tell me what a bad person she was. Unfortunately, because things were getting so rough in my life, broken car, no friends, no way to make them on my limited vocabulary etc. That last week she came down from Ontario because my sister asked her to check up on me because I was really, really down. Courtney, comes to my door and tells me that now I have proof that Marj is a player. I give in and she takes me to Marj's place and low and behold there's another car there. I do the unthinkable and I peak into her window and see her and another man lying together. I was broken. I call from Courtney's cell outside and wake Marjorie up and ask her how's she doing. I hear this guy cough in the background I and ask who is there? She lies, and then lies some more. Meanwhile, here I am in Courtney's truck overlooking her driveway watching this guy leave. So, I have Courtney take me home. I'm bitter and broken and I tell Courtney to hit the road because I feel like she wanted to show me she was right about Marjorie all along, but it ended up just hurting more in the end.

 

Well, I call Marjorie and I try most of the day to get her to tell the truth. She never does. I finally spill my beans that I saw her, told her what she was wearing etc and she tells the truth. She says they never slept together that nothing happed that he must have passed out in her bed when he went to say goodbye in the morning. She was really drunk the previous night so she had no clue what had occurred.

 

So, I submit and believe. The next day however, I invite her over to understand what has happened and after I look closer I see her neck is full of hickies...yuck. She's embarrassed, but she can't remember how she got them or even who gave them to her.

 

Anyways back to the story, from the point that she started messing around with this other guy we haven't really been talking and when we do it's strange. She always says she tired of rehashing things. Sadly, it's the only thing I can think about talking with her I really, distrust her. No matter how convincing she sounds.

 

I read this thing on enotalone about "Why Nice guys are usually such losers" it hurts because I felt that in alot of ways I'm the insecure, needy, loser. So here I am writing hoping that somebody can make sense of it all. Help focus a plan and a path. No contact is hard when you have no one to talk to most of the time. Right now a friend would really help and some good advice. Sorry for the length and if anyone wants some more understanding or whatever don't hesitate to ask. I really want the truth so I'm an open book. Thanks all.

[sweetione]

LaZeRACED,

 

I really feel for you. I lived in france for awhile and didn't have any friends and i didn't speak the language either. I know it is hard. But you need to learn to take care of yourself. I would rent subtitle movies or read more books.

 

This girl is treating you like dirt. And i think because you take it, she just keeps giving it to you. I am not sure if you are in love with this girl but my opinion is that you need to let her go. If you don't nothing will change. Once she sees that you will be fine without her she will want you then. But you NEED to be strong!!

 

You seem like a very nice and romantic guy, please stop taking her sh@#!!! There are nice girls out there but you have to learn to respect yourself first. Once you do, others will too.

 

Hugs

[LaZeRACED]

Thanks Sweetione, I don't know what I would do if no one replied

Unfortunately, I know this girl treats me like dirt, yet, I still seem to miss her all the much more. Yes, I'm in love with this girl. Why? I don't know. It's certainly not infatuation. I do know that she calls from time to time, not much, but when she does she's interested if I've hooked up with someone. Moreover, if I tell her I'm trying to make friends and met people. She assumes I'll be doing something with girls and I'll end up sleeping with them. I have no clue why I defend myself when shes out there playing the field? When supposably she has no time because of work and she's not ready? One thing that is for sure, I should learn that she has no word. She always had excuses (her favourite was, "but I told you that, you always forget") and when I want her to commit to an answer she always on the fence. Never a yes or no, plenty of I don't know's and maybe's. Truthfully, I want to know what to say when she calls me next. I want her, but I want change and I'm not going to get walked over to suit the situation. Whatever the case, you called it. I need to respect me...it's just hard when you're doing it on your own. As John Donne said "No man is an island, entire of itself....." I guess that's why I'm here. Thanks again Sweetione

[Scout]

Paragraphs, PLEASE!!! You will get more responses if your post is easier to read.

[LaZeRACED]

Appreciated Scout, but what can I say? I didn't. I guess that may limit my responses, but it was so relieving to let my heart out that once I started I couldn't stop. So, all those that are reading, I hope you understand (including you Scout) that while I wanted responses, it's hard to go back and recorrect when just getting out everything that's been on my heart out as quick as possible is a healing step in itself. If everyone would like I can go over it and correct it? It would be hard, but a compromise in order that others can help me.

 

Daniel

[Scout]

It's pretty easy to go back and edit your post, and putting hard breaks in between to create paragraphs. It may sound petty, but it's one of the guidelines for posting on eNotalone, and will make your post less daunting to read, not to mention easier to follow.

[LaZeRACED]

Okay I've edited my post now, hope that works out better

 

Daniel

[Scout]

Ok, at the risk of sounding like a strict schoolmarm from the 1800's...it's not better. You have to put a space in between each paragraph. It's still very hard to read.

 

But I'm going to respond anyway.

 

Ok, want my honest take on this situation? I think you and this girl are incredibly toxic for each other, and basically a very bad match. I think you both need to develop more healthy life coping skills. Neither of you are equipped with the self-love - basically acceptance and understanding of who you are and what you want - that it takes to be in a truly healthy relationship.

 

I really think you need to let her go, and focus on how you can be a stronger person with more faith in yourself, and more acceptance of your vulnerabilities. In short, you need to learn to like yourself, because when you learn how to do that, you will very naturally expect others to RESPECT you. You will attract healthier, kinder, loyal people.

 

In all honesty, I think you could really benefit from some therapy - like millions of other people out there could benefit from! It's not a shame, not a stigma, and you aren't a lost cause. You just need to do some self exploration, and a trained professional can help you do this more productively.

 

You are still young, and the twenties are the time to make your mistakes as you find your footing as an adult. Now is the key time to get back on the path that leads to the most fulfillment and use of your potential and gifts (you have them, you know - you just don't see that right now).

[sweetione]

I just want to let you know that I understand how you are feeling. But I do think if you could just go 30 days without talking to your ex, you will see things much clearer. Believe me, I have been doing nc with my ex now for 6 weeks and it hurts everyday but I do see things better. And when I do talk to my ex I will be able to handle any situation thrown at me.

 

If you ex calls I would not answer. I don't think you are ready to answer her questions. If she was so worried about you dating others, she shouldn't have been taking guys home, getting hickeys on her neck, etc. You are free to do what you want and with whom.

 

Please take care of yourself. Learn how to deal with your loneliness. Go out and meet people. When i was in France, I went to a french class and met lots of people who didn't know french either and we became friends. Some of them didn't even know english but you learn how to communicate!! Just leave the girl behind.

 

It hurts. No doubt about it. But you will never be happy with this girl, at least not now, she will only continue to use you and hurt you. You deserve better and as soon as you believe that, your life will be better. I promise!!!

[LaZeRACED]

Thanks Scout and Sweetione. Things have been so difficult trying to handle the situation on my own. It is summer here so starting any new classes won't begin until the fall. I guess the timing sucks. I know I should speak with a therapist and try and understand why I'm so needy. Not every relationship I've been in has been like this...only the ones I really liked!! So it's a pattern that I have recognized and I am willing to change. Having friends and support around you is certainly important and luckily I now have a car that is working, so I'm going to visit my friends and family in Ontario this week.

[Scout]

Terrific, glad you didn't take affront to my suggestion for therapy. A good counselor is trained to help us get out of those patterns we ALL get stuck in. As for the word "needy" - well, I don't like that word & I don't want you to think of yourself in those terms. You have strengths and gifts, and because you long for love and stability does not mean you can be summed up by the word "needy". Let's just say in relationships where you care about someone, you tend to be too forgiving and accepting of behavior that is NOT acceptable. Hey, I've been there.

 

Keep a positive outlook that change is possible, and you have untapped powers that you are ready to start using. Therapy, posting on eNotalone, and some initial steps on your part to at least free yourself from current negative situations and people in your life is a great start to getting to be where you want. And remember, the destination isn't the only rewarding part - the path is full of adventures and new possibilities, as well.

[sweetione]

i agreee with scout that therapy is good for everyone...i was considering it myself...but don't think you are impaired or anything...sometimes we love too much, i just think u did to take time off and learn how to enjoy YOU!! Once you are ok without another to make you happy, you have most of the battle won.

 

Also if you just need to vent - pm me. i have been there...i know it is hard but if you get through it you are a stronger person and you know that you can survive anything.

 

I hope this is helpful. hugs.

[LaZeRACED]

No worries at all, I've been wondering the same thing myself for some time. I know that I'm not a bad person, but I do have problems that must be dealt BEFORE I continue another relationship again. Self-esteem is by far the biggest of them all, and I guess I chose to have something, than nothing, even at the detriment of myself. Marjorie, wasn't a horrible person she didn't belittle me, or yell. But always received (took) and hardly ever gave (that is no exageration either) - physically and emotionally (other than she always said I am a gifted musician and a great DJ). If I wanted a hug, I had to ask. If I wanted to make love, I had to ask. I use to sometimes just ask her to tell me she loved me, in hopes that she would believe it herself. However, words they were to her. She would be the first to say to me, "but I told you I didn't love you, and that you should find someone else that will love you in return." In this it hurt, but I didn't want to face it. Strangly though, if I did show signs of doing my own thing or meeting friends outside the circle, she would guilt trip me into feeling unloved or unwanted. I was so scared of lossing her that 99% of the time I complied. Truth be told, all I have ever wanted is to share the goodness of my heart and be loved back EQUALLY in return, not the way I was getting it from her. I had thought of this on many, many, many occasions to the point where I wanted to tell her that THIS time I was not accepting her behaviour and I'm leaving, but I never did. This is not a pity party. I know I can only blame myself for staying. I'm not angry because I let it occur. Maybe someone can be angry for me, maybe I should be? I don't know?

 

What I do know is I feel bad for her now. I'm definitely not the one to rescue her, but I know she has some issues that need to be dealt with. Twisted as it may be, we are similiar in many aspects. I scare myself and wonder - if someone was at my beckon call, at my hands and feet, would I be so quick to stop the matter? I really can't say, because it's never happened to me, but if it did. God help me that I would nip that problem before it became like 'The Lonely Road.'

 

I did mention similiarities earlier - one that I have never seen in another person other than Marjorie and myself is the ability to cry at the slightest of sad moments. If someone or something is hurting, I connect instantly and can cry like a child without dessert. We all can cry, sure, but even for all the small things (Yes, I know there is others, but it's from what I have seen and learned through my hazel eyes)? Certainly this attitude has always helped me not hurt others because I hate when it happens to me, but now I wonder if it's because my emotions have always been at the top of my heart and the slightest prick can cause it to flow? I don't know, I'm just guessing? However, I do see the same in Marjorie and it makes me think if I'm such a good person as I am, and this is the way I react, why not the same from her? Again, I don't know? What I do know is that I'm hurting just as much from her leaving me as realizing what I let myself become. Fortunately, and from all your help, I can tell you that no matter how far rock bottom may be, I can always raise my head and see blue skies. Thanks for your straight shooting Scout and Sweetione

[sweetione]

LaZeRACED,

 

PLEASE please please, do not call her, do not take her calls. That is my advice for you. You seem sooo nice and sweet and you need to grow alittle and that will happen with time AWAY. Not forever just alittle while(30 days).

 

That is all i can say. If you do this, you will feel better, i PROMISE!!