My Girlfriend cheated but wants to come back...please help!

[Jaimie]

Briefly...

 

I'm 26. She's 24. We've lived together for 4 and a half years. I was her first sexual relationship. She's Italian and goes home to Italy every summer for about 2 months. This summer she was working as an interpreter during the junior Olympics in her hometown. She m et a guy she likes. She demanded that we "take a break". I was devasated. She went ahead anyway and was with the guy intimately. She spent a week with him, haning out in his hotel room. She says they kissed and touched each other but no "heavy petting". I believe her on this - I know her.

 

She showed no remorse at all during this period. She told me that if he returned again (he left for the US after a couple of weeks) she would date him again. She also said that if she found any other guys she liked she would date them too.

 

I dumped her. Told her she was moving out when she returns in September. Now she tells me she wants another chance...that this can make us stronger etc. She's been calling me nonstop. Texting. Emailing. I ignored all her calls but ended up answering her emails.

 

My mind is overrun with images of her being with another guy. It makes me feel physically sick. His hands allover her...the kissing...the intimacy etc. Is it possible to take someone back after this and regain the trust? What are the chances of this situation making us stronger?

 

One part of me wants to close the door on her and never look back. I'm so angry and hurt. Another side of me wants to take her back and try again.

 

How will I know that if she comes back she comes for ME and not just the convenience of our living situation. I've already told her she has to movie out when she gets back. Is this the best thing to do? That way, if she really wants to be with me she'll have to prove it. On the other hand I fear pushing her away totally.

 

The breach of trust is the most horrible thing for me. Not only did she decide to throw away 5 years together in the blink of an eye, she lied about it for days and treated me like I didn't exist whilst she had her way woth this guy.

 

I just don't know whether taking her back is the right thing to do and if it will even be for the best....

 

Any thoughts appreciated!

[birdgirl]

Maybe you should tell her you don't want to live together, but that you can try to work on the relationship?

[CherryGrl]

I'm not sure I understand exactly what happened. Did she tell you she wanted to take a break after she started seeing this guy? Is that what you mean when you say she lied to you for days? It's just hard for me to imagine anyone doing this, then finally admitting it but showing no remorse. She has been treating you terribly!

 

How do things stand now? Is she still saying that she plans to go out with anyone she wants to, since she has another month before she comes home? Or is she now remorseful and promising to be faithful to you?

 

I also wonder if you had any clue before she left that things weren't going well between you two.

 

I don't know how she figures that this experience will make you stronger as a couple. I would think it's pretty obvious that it would do just the opposite. Why would she want to hurt you like this? Does she even realize how absolutely horrible it is for you to go thru this and how difficult it will be to trust her in the future?

 

Well, regardless of all this, you seem to be saying that you're thinking you want to give the relationship another try. Since there's a month to go before she comes back, if I were you I wouldn't give her any answer right now. I'd give it some thought, and see how she treats you during the next few weeks. Since you're pretty torn between wanting her back and wanting to kick her to the curb, a bit of time might give you more perspective on this.

 

You might even mention that you really don't know if you can get back together after what has happened and you've been debating whether it might be a good idea for you to see other people also. Then just sit back and (try to be) cool. Stay in touch with her. Be pleasant. Answer her e-mails, but you might wait a day or two to answer. Don't argue with her right now. When she wants to discuss getting back together, tell her you really can't make that decision until she comes back.

 

Keep her on the edge of her seat, in other words, and if she's really remorseful and wanting to save this relationship, she's going to be so busy wondering and worrying about what you are doing that she will have less time and energy for checking out other guys.

 

As for letting her move right back in when she comes home, I think that's a bad idea. Try to get her somewhere temporary to stay for a short time when she gets back. Where I live there are many weekly and monthly rentals available, in all price ranges. You might look into this near you.

[Jaimie]

Thanks for the advice cherrygirl

 

Did she tell you she wanted to take a break after she started seeing this guy? Is that what you mean when you say she lied to you for days?

 

I found out from a mutual friend that she was being really friendl with some guy. I asked her about it. She denied it. She kept denying everything but I had a gut feeling. Then she admitted that he was nice. Then she admitted she was flirting with him. Then she admitted that she fancied him. At that point I feared the worst. I asked her to just consider what she was doing etc. Then she told me she wanted a break for the summer. She basically said "let me take a break or I'll do it anyway". I had no choice.

 

I didn't agree to it. I was in despair. At that point she began ignoring me. For three days she was cold, callous and almost cruel. Being insensitive and generally nasty. I knew during this period that something had happened. I could feel it.

 

After he'd left to go home she called me. At this point she was still being really cold. She told me that he wanted to come back and visit her and she said that if he did she would date him again. She also said if she found other guys she liked she would date them too.

 

That's when I dumped her.

 

Things were going fine between us but the last year had been full of mjor, unavoidable stress for her: deaths in the famil, final year University exams, constant serious health problems - one of which meant we cuoldn't have sex for ages...

 

She said she wanted a break to "clear her head of all the problems".

 

She is still in contact with the guy which is the worst thing. She swears blind it's just friendly, innocent, plain etc. She told me whe wants us back together. I dsaid give up the guy. She said no and again repeated that he;'s just a friend and he's lonely and needs someone to talk to etc.

 

I asked her to show me their emails. If everything was above board like she said then showing me them would prove she was telling the truth. She refused, saying that "if she showed me ten I would definitely not take her back" It's unbelievable.

 

She has been so selfish over this incident that I really feel rage within me.

 

At the moment, I've tld her she has to move out in September. She's been constantly calling me until yesterday. I replied to a email of hers telling her wat I was doing...saying I was really busy with friends and where I was going etc. I also told her I was going out with a female friend on Sunday. She hasn't contacted me since. No call. No reply to the email. I'm wondering if she's annoyed or just doesn't care.

 

It's a real mess.

[CherryGrl]

This woman is unbelieveably callous! Why would you want her back? She's lied to you, cheated on you, has no regard for your feelings in this matter and won't even agree to stop the relationship with this guy if you get back together.

 

Oh, and she won't show you his e-mails because if you saw them you wouldn't want to get back together with her. That's rather blunt, she's coming right out and telling you that she's lying to you about the relationship. Just a friend? Then what's in those e-mails that would make you not want her back, since you already know she was attracted to him, dated him, was intimate with him (although according to her only kissing and touching even though she spent a week hanging out in his hotel room.)

 

Maybe if you saw the e-mails you would find out what really went on in that room? At the least, I thing you would find that this guy does not think of her as a friend at all.

 

Jaimie, the more I read about your situation, the more I think you should RUN, not walk, away from this woman. If my guy did this to me, when he came home from Italy everything of his that was in the apartment would be in a storage locker. I know it's easy to say that, but I've just recently gone thru a cheating situation with my guy and although the particulars were different, it's the same in that he lied to me and cheated, so I can empathize with you. How can she think you could accept this guy remaining in her life? Would their e-mails continue to be secret?

 

The "friend" needs someone to talk to? I'm sure he can find someone else, why does it have to be your girlfriend? He's lonely? She should tell him to get a dog.

 

I know you've given her five years of your life, and it's hard to think that she would just toss you away for a summer fling, but that seems to be what she is doing. If you tell her she must lose the "friend" or you and she refuses to lose the friend, what does that tell you about where you stand with her?

[Cecelius]

I say, no questions asked, dump her. She cheated on you (goodness knows what she said to him about you), then tried to cover it up and lied. Vent all you want, but there are other women in the world -- don't give this girl the satisfaction.