Family woes

[messedup85]

Hi,

 

I am having guilt/issues with lack of seeing my family. My parents are divorced and have been for many years, remarried and such. My brother is married with a child and I barely ever see any of them. It's not a distance issue really it is basically me being selfish with my time, but everytime I "have" to go see them it's a huge internal struggle to go see them. My mother I don't really have any issue with I am always comfortable seeing her. Now one of the things that bugged me awhile back was the fact that my stepmom, sister in law, brother and his in laws didn't take a liking to my boyfriend. They were all like he's not the one, you can do better and all this stuff. he never found out about it and I dealt with it. They are fine now there are some times things can get tense but I am sure that's with all families. My thing is though, I wanna see my family more but when it get down to it I make excuses, lie, and avoid them at all possible cost. I just dunno why ya know. I figure just do it but when I get to calling my father it's a huge ordeal and I have to talk myself into it. It's like I am constantly in trouble and I turn into this 12 year old girl who can't stand up for herself and speak her mind. The same goes with my brother and sister in law. It's like I have a huge guard up that they can't get through. I didn't have a bad childhood, my brother and me have always been close, he was my rock growing up. But he never talks to me now and I don't talk to him either. we just never call each other and when we do its very cut and dry. I dunno like I am having the constant internal battle and am thinking of talking to someone to see if this is a deep issue that can be worked out or something. My bf isn't too keen on seeing my family more not that he doesn't like them or anything its just he is just as uncomfortable if not more then me and his family isn't as I guess judgmental as mine. They're more freestyle oh I'll see you whenever and mine is "you never see me" "your never around" "you never call" and I feel like a piece of s*** daughter, sister, and aunt. Should I get help???

[Someday_Soon]

I'm going to guess that because you feel guilt about your relationship with your family that in the back of your mind you realize the issue they have with your significant other is legitimate. Sometime family members do grow apart during the adult years, that isn't unusual. My father and mother both have family members they are not on good terms and I myself am not close to my own brother. If your family isn't being mean or condescending those relationships are worth saving. They have a right to their opinions about your significant other as long as they remain respectful.

[messedup85]

They're stigma's against him were based on facts I gave them. i was very open with them when I was having issues with him and this is what made them put their input in on our relationship. I did tell them that those issues were being dealt with and over the years now a lot has changed and I am sure to tell them that any time they ask "hows it going with him" "hows that issue now". i do totally blame myself for them having the condescending views on him because I only filled them in on the negative and now trying to rectify it with the good. Cuz it's really good now (a few hiccups but everyone has those). I guess the whole first impression thing is true.

 

I have never really been close with my dad due to the fact both him and myself have a very hard time expressing our feelings, the divorce and lack of seeing him growing up. I held anger towards him for a long time because of the divorce, never being around and such but we did have a talk aawhile back that really put a lot into perspective for me and I was thinking wow this is the breaker things are going to change but a day turned into a week, into a month and nothing has developed. I am thinking that they're right and its me being selfish with my time and not making time for them.

[BellaDonna]

but everytime I "have" to go see them it's a huge internal struggle to go see them.

 

I feel the exact same way about certain family members. Visiting them is a major chore. It makes me feel incredibly guilty because I know they love me but I think our personalities are just so fundamentally different and they irritate me more than anything else. So I tend to dread visits, and yes- avoid them too. When I come home from the visits I am emotionally drained.

 

"you never see me" "your never around" "you never call"

 

That sounds annoying. No wonder you avoid them. Why would you be motivated to go somewhere when you know you will be judged and annoyed?

 

It is truly possible to love your relatives and care about them but not really have a good time hanging out with them. If you have a busy life and a stressful day, the LAST thing you feel like doing is visiting a relative that annoys you. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. It's "ok" to want to save your free time for you....