Blacksheep09 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years, I am 22 and he is 24, and have made it clear we are going to get married (don't know when he will ask though..) We live together but are renting, he's out of town for weeks at a time for work and makes good money. I am currently in school and working part time serving and not paying any rent. He has a 80 000 dollar truck and a LOT of toys including snowmobiles and dirt bikes and things of that nature. Every time I turn around he's buying a new toy or an addition to his truck, meanwhile always saying how we need to buy a house... I said he should be saving a lot more money each month than what he is and he goes on the defence about how its not my business... For the most part I rarely say ANYTHING about his spending because he makes me feel like it isn't my business, and really I mean he works hard why shouldn't he be able to spend his own money? Anyway, I feel like if this guy is going to be my husband, I am essentially hitching my wagon to his star, and stuff like that IS my business and it hurts my feelings a lot when he says its not. I need to know if i'm sticking my nose where it shouldn't be, or if he's got money issues...also is it weird that our money is completely separate and I don't have access to his account at all? Please I need help. Link to comment
22n32 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 not sure if they even make 80k trucks, but besides the point.. i think its always a good idea to have seprate accts, even when ur married. u can have a joint acct also.. i think u need to sit him down and tell him u wanna start saving for a house and both of u contribute into that acct towards a house Link to comment
varon Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Financial issues ruin marriages at least as often as sexual infidelity, and you've got money problems before you even get out of the starting gate. It won't start well, and it sure aint going to end well. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I can't comment on the other stuff, but I don't think it's weird that you don't have access to his accounts. Why would you? My fiance and I have been together 6 years, engaged for a while, and we don't have access to one another's accounts. For now, our money is separate. When we marry and have a house, mortgage and joined bills, then we'll set up a joint account, while still maintaining separate ones as well. You've only been dating 2 years, I don't personally think that gives somebody the right to their partner's bank. But I'm also very weird with my money and like everything to be individual. Link to comment
Yaz Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Sorry, but his money isn't your business. That's why it's called HIS MONEY. I was going to get married, we had an agreement on how much we'd contribute to the relationship in terms of house costs, electricity, food etc. But as far as how he spends his extra money? It's his, not mine. He earned it, not me. So yeah, he can spend it how he sees fit. And I can spend mine how I see fit. There's not much more to it than that. Link to comment
varon Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Sorry, but his money isn't your business. That's why it's called HIS MONEY. I was going to get married, we had an agreement on how much we'd contribute to the relationship in terms of house costs, electricity, food etc. But as far as how he spends his extra money? It's his, not mine. He earned it, not me. So yeah, he can spend it how he sees fit. And I can spend mine how I see fit. There's not much more to it than that. That's all well and good until you have children. Link to comment
Yaz Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 That's all well and good until you have children. What, you can't agree to a joint account to which you both contribute money? What a cop out. Unless you're both totally skint, each person has the right to spend money on themselves in whichever way they see fit, if they earned it. Your partner's money is none of your business, and if you make it your business there'll be tears before bedtime - I can assure you. We have paid maternity leave here, so there's no excuse for being poor due to not working. And if you can't afford kids - don't have them. Link to comment
Blacksheep09 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 So when your in a serious relationship, each one's money is none of the other's business? My point is my future is directly related to him and his actions, so why do I not have a say in it? Link to comment
varon Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 So when your in a serious relationship, each one's money is none of the other's business? My point is my future is directly related to him and his actions, so why do I not have a say in it? I don't agree with most of the posts on this thread. The money issues need to be worked out if you're going to get married. That's what marriage is. Or at least, what it's 'supposed to be'. You know, all that "for richer, for poorer stuff". It doesn't mean 'he's rich and she's poor and that's how it's going to stay' Link to comment
In the Dark Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I personally wouldn't care if I have access to my partners account or not. I do not care how much is in their account. I don't care what material possessions they spend their money on. I do care if they are no able to pay bills at times when they have recently purchased brand new unnecessary items. Link to comment
Blacksheep09 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 And that's the thing, is it normal that I often go without things he would never think twice about, or that he's concerned about adding a $2500 part to his truck for cosmetic reasons when iv been driving my POS car thats smashed up but I still drive it? Im in school so essentially I should be 'struggling' but at the same time were in this together right? If the tables were turned I wouldn't feel right about seeing my spouse struggle... I dno feedback please Link to comment
Yaz Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Marriage is not what it used to be. Today marriage s about loving and respecting your partner. With respect comes boundaries. That boundary is obviously money. If you love him, and this won't bother you then stay. If you can't stand it, leave. Fairly simple. My point is that you can't assume every aspect of your partner's life is your business. They are your partner, not the other half of your body. If my partner told me I had to share my money in a joint account, I'd tell him where to go. But I'm sure most men would say the same if I told them that their friends are my business. Link to comment
Yaz Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 And that's the thing, is it normal that I often go without things he would never think twice about, or that he's concerned about adding a $2500 part to his truck for cosmetic reasons when iv been driving my POS car thats smashed up but I still drive it? Im in school so essentially I should be 'struggling' but at the same time were in this together right? If the tables were turned I wouldn't feel right about seeing my spouse struggle... I dno feedback please You sound bitter because you believe you have a right to his money. You don't. You're not married. Link to comment
Blacksheep09 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 No he doesn't miss bills he's responsible in that regard. Link to comment
varon Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Marriage is not what it used to be. Today marriage s about loving and respecting your partner. With respect comes boundaries. That boundary is obviously money. If you love him, and this won't bother you then stay. If you can't stand it, leave. Fairly simple. Marriage is not what it used to be, that's true. Most people walk away from their marriages after 2 years, or 10 years without as much as a second thought. The term is almost meaningless. However two people who are going to enter a relationship that is 'supposed to' last their entire lives need to be able to agree on basic principles, and money is at near the top of the list if not the most important issue, especially early on, and definitely if there's going to be kids. Now if a person says "I dont care about his money he can keep it separate for the rest of our lives as long as he contributes his share" then it's their call but I think they're asking for trouble and the seeds of conflict have already been planted long before the vows are exchanged. We're not talking about being roommates here folks. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 And that's the thing, is it normal that I often go without things he would never think twice about, or that he's concerned about adding a $2500 part to his truck for cosmetic reasons when iv been driving my POS car thats smashed up but I still drive it? Im in school so essentially I should be 'struggling' but at the same time were in this together right? If the tables were turned I wouldn't feel right about seeing my spouse struggle... I dno feedback please Dont mean this to be blunt, but you're not his spouse. You've talked about marriage, but he hasn't proposed yet and there aren't plans yet. For right now, you're dating. You are two individuals and you're an adult, you need to be able to stand on your own. It's not his responsibility to use his money to fix your car, or give up things he wants so he can help you out. It would be a nice gesture, but I really don't believe you should expect that. Once you're married, and have bills between the two of you, and an apartment/house to pay for, then his spending can become more your business. But right now, I don't think it is. Talk to him about saving for a house; maybe you two can come up with a plan for putting a little money (both of you) away each month and see where that gets you. But I don't think you should get upset with him right now for buying parts for his truck. I do think you both need to get on the same page about money; tell him some of the spending upsets you because you feel you should be saving for a future together. But I think that requires you both contributing, even if you can't contribute as much as him. Talk to him about saving for a house or a wedding, but don't scold him for treating himself to things he can afford. Link to comment
Blacksheep09 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Well we are absolutely going to get married in the near-ish future, so do I have to wait until I am legally on paper married to him and then boom all of a sudden now it's my concern? It seems sort of unrealistic in a way.. Anyway i'm not too concerned about this I just wanted to get some feed back on the thought in my head. Deep down I know this is all trivial and that I am lucky to have an amazing partner regardless of money. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 You said in your first post though that you live with him rent-free. Isn't that helping you out a bit? Maybe he gets defensive because you're not paying rent, but you're getting angry with him and telling him HE needs to save more each month for a house. What are you contributing? Link to comment
varon Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 How about talking to him about it? You know.. .where you say "I'm concerned about what will happen when we are together, what if I think you spend too much on this or that, or you think that because you make more than me, you'll be able to spend more than me". See what he says. If he says "once we're married its all going into one big account and we will agree on how the money is spent", then I think you're off to a good start. If he won't talk about it, or says 'My money is my money and your money is your money' and that's how it's going to stay, then you might want to rethink the engagement when it is proposed. Link to comment
Wonderstruck Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 You're living with him rent-free and you STILL feel entitled to have a say in how he spends his money? REALLY?! Wow. No wonder he told you to mind your own business. Him paying your RENT FOR YOU isn't enough? Start contributing the same amount of money that he does and then maybe you can start complaining. Oh wait, no you can't, because it's still his money, you guys aren't even engaged and do not have a joint account. Link to comment
22n32 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 this is how gold digging begins... i made about 50 times more last yr then my gf did.. and she didnt ever ask for a penny or told me what to and not to buy.. its my money i earned it.. when were married i will share my wealth with her and our family.. till then let the guy work hard and play hard with his toys.. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I think what it comes down to is, you need to talk to him. If you're planning on marrying the guy, you NEED to be on the same page about finances. I don't think it's fair to live with him rent-free, then scold him for not saving up enough every month to buy a house, unless you're also contributing to the house fund. You may be a struggling student, but that doesn't entitle you to your boyfriend's money. And right now, it is his money. Talk to him, try not to sound accusatory. Tell him you feel a little concerned about his spending, because you think it's important that you *both* start saving up for a house. Talk about what you'll do when you're married, ie joint vs separate accounts, what accounts will go to which bills, etc. And see what happens. Link to comment
Blacksheep09 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Yes it is helping me out, i'm definitely not attesting to that. I originally moved in to help him because he lost his licence and needed me to drive him to work and back every day (115 kms, or 70 miles) for 3 months I worked until 3am, by the time I got home and to bed it was 4:30am and up at 6 to drive for an hour and a half then quickly have a nap go pick him up and drop him off and go straight to work again... So because I moved in for that reason I never paid rent nor did he expect me to.. shortly after that I started school and he doesn't expect me to... I buy all the groceries for the most part and do ALL of the cleaning and laundry. So that is what I contribute. I often do nice things for him, i'd say he has it pretty good.. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 But my point is, saving for a house is a much bigger responsibility than doing laundry and cleaning. If you expect him to set aside money every month, then I really do think you should be doing the same. It doesn't have to match his amount, but you both need to be doing something. Link to comment
Blacksheep09 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 I am saving what I can, and it is for a house, it comes automatically from my account into a savings account. These things i have expressed were merely nano-thoughts... I do appreciate the advice (from the polite ppl i mean) Link to comment
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