Venting and need answers plz

[i_hate_the_world47]

Hi.I have had held these feelings inside for way to long and i need to share them.I figured that this would be the best place.Please sont jusge me because this is my life and i cant change it.

 

I had a wonderful childhood.I had a terrific my mom and an ok dad.My dad wasnt there much,but i didnt really care since i was so young.But,alas,my dad left my mother and i when i was 3.I to this day dont know where my father left to.Ya he sends child support but i still havent found him.But,thats just some background history.The days when i was happy.All my really problems started when i was 11.

 

When i was 11 i was happy.Hapeist i had ever been.And the happiest i would ever be.My mom and i lived in a small town called Lake Isabella.Now by now my mothe had remarried to a man named Sean.Little did i know that my step father Sean was the devil himself.But i will get into that.I had a normal child life.I had tons of friends and one really special friend.His name was Rick and he was the best friend ever.I told him everything and he told me everything.Since i was 11 i wasnt exactly a little girl but i wasnt grown up.So when Rick died i didnt know how to react.Rick was killed in a drunk driven car crash.I was crushed when Rick died.I sat in my room for hours a day months afterRick died.I didnt want to talk,eat,breath,live. I needed a release for all my pain,so i cut myself.Just a small slash on my left forearm.That was the first time i ever cut myself.I didnt o it for awhile after that.

 

I am now 13 years old and lead a miserable teenage life.You see,my step father and i didnt get along.We both hated each other very very much.But my Sean took it to theextreme.Sometimes,i would make my bed and it wouldnt be perfect.An edge would b messy,a corny not tucked in.When this happened,i would get a severe yelling and usually it was accompanied by a slap in the face or a couple hits.I began to cut myself.Not just one but many.By the end of the school year that year my left forearm was full of pink slash scars.I had no one to talk to and i had no one to tell this to.Ya my mom was thier but she wouldnt have believed me.Then one night Sean went to far.

 

It was late at night and my mom wasnt home.She was away visiting my grandparents.I was coming home from a party at a friends house.Now i was in a good mood and not expecting what i got when i walked in the door.I walked in and was not greeted ith a hello or a how are you.I was greeted with a yell and a sharp smack in the face.My step father then dragged me into my room,shoving my face into my bed.He told me that my bed wasnt made right and that i needed to be punished.What happened to me next did,has,and will scar me for the rest of my life.As hard as i tried to fight my dad off i couldnt.That night a thirteen year old child was raped,me.

 

I have never told anyone this except for a couple close friends.After this my step dad just beat me worse and worse.Now he began to use not only his hands but objects.I didnt think my life could get any orse.My cutting was getting worse.I was cutting almost every night now.I wanted to die so bad.I was now 14.My step father continuosly beat me.I would have to go to school everyday with new bruises and sor ness fom the beatings.At night i prayed for god not to stop the pain but to let me die so i could feel no pain.Then my life plummeted to rock bottom about 2 months ago.

 

I had finally found a new friend.After losing my last best friend,it was hard but i found one.This time .she was a girl and she cut just like me.But i never knew how bad her life was or how bad death ran her thoughts.Until one day when we hada big fight.After we fought i went home for awhile but couldnt live w/myself.So i went over to my friends house to apoogize.I walked in and her mom told me jessy was in her room.I walked into her oom and found my friend lying in her bathroom tub,wrists slit,blood everywhere,dead.I was crushed once again.But this was different.I couldnt take this ne more.

 

I went home that day and sat in my room and just cried my eyes out.Then i walked into my kitchen and slit my wrists.I was admitted into a mental hospital not long after.I saw therapists,psychiatrist.They all said i was troubled>Thay all said i was crying for help.Though i dont think i am crying for help i need it.I am in now in therapy and it doesnt do ne thing at all.

 

So i think what i am really asking here is,why do i go on.After all the grief in my life,why not end it.I just want to know why all my friends died and i still stay here all alone?

 

~Meagan~

[avman]

Hello Meagan,

 

There is nothing to judge you about because you have not done anything wrong.

 

I need you to tell all of this to a trusted adult. You mention that you are currently in therapy. I'd like you to talk to the therapist about what happened to you. It explains a lot about why you feel the way you do. And it will give the therapist the information they need to truly help you. I know it will not be easy, but its an important step on the road to recovery. The therapist WILL listen to you.

 

Don't hold this kind of stuff in. Thats what will cause you the real pain.

[lunatic]

Hey Meagan,

 

 

Listen to Avman and talk to your therapist about your situation. Please make sure your honest with the person your seeing. Don't leave anything out because your only hurting yourself more. Please talk to your therapist about what happened to you.

 

Sorry about your pain. Things do get better!

 

 

Hubman 8)

[neva_black_n_white]

heya i hate the world,

for starters others dont have a right to judge you on your life, it happens but technically its not logical and they wont gain from it, so in the case that others do then dont take it to heart because whos right is it to put something negative on what you had to experiance? i know thats how i view it anyway.

 

if your wanting to find out about your history is there no method of actually finding him through the giving you child support or are you sure that it will be confidential? only if finding out who your father is a priority im sure there is a method by which you could do this.

 

im sorry to hear that your best friend died, do you think at that time, a problem that you did have was caused because you did bottle up too many things, by saying that you werent a little girl but you werent grown up then im assuming that the thought patterns that you did have were deep, would you say that to date there are still things that you wish to talk about and havent actually opened up about? i know that when my grandparents died, that i felt that it was sudden to me and there was so much i wanted to say, but actually talking about it with someone else even though it wasnt the person i had lost made me feel that i had got off my chest what i felt and maybe release in thinking that maybe my words were listened to, im not a believer as such but it helped.

 

your step father had no right to hit you the way you do, despite how stern a person may be something so simple should never be tormented by hitting in the way you did, did you never speak to your mum about how he hit you right at the beginning so that she could possibly change something, only with you saying that you were close, having a great mum im sure she would have helped.

 

.I began to cut myself.Not just one but many.By the end of the school year that year my left forearm was full of pink slash scars.I had no one to talk to and i had no one to tell this to.

what happened at this point then? did you loose friends because you were cutting just it seems like a large jump from when you were eleven and part of a lively social group to be isolated?

 

sorry, ive quoted this because i was determined to respond and just read how he raped you, im sorry, i had an encounter when i was younger and was left with the being told by others ''thank yourself lucky you werent raped!'' with no care for me, so i really dont know what to say on this part. sorry.

 

im really sorry about your friend, and for some reason i think you slightly feel cause of it, but as your writ you never knew how strong her thoughts were off death so there wasnt any cause for you, you cared and you showed that when you went round to her house, when you say you speak to god does that mean you believe in it? only if you do im sure that she will see how you feel, if thats what you believe.

 

Therapy, i dont know what to say about that, my friend had the same opinion how nothing helped her when she went but that they only dug too deep and it was unbearable, despite saying that i can assure you that it will help, she left and only had to return when she wasnt able to handle everything she experianced. good luck with this.

 

why do you think you go on?

i dont think i can answer that question even though thats what you really wanted a responce for, but there will be a purpose,

kel

[jaiva]

I've never met one person who hasn't had a horrible life and many of them have seen the light. I've know a lot of people who tried to kill themselves but it didn't work. You were put on this earth for a reason, and I believe that reason is to help other people who have been hurt the same way you've been hurt.

 

I also believe you need to tell someone that you trust that story. Even if they don't believe you, you should tell them and continue telling them. Because at least they'll hear it. And when you go to school tell a teacher because they have to tell the police if you tell them.

 

I hope you find happiness soon because I know how it feels to wallow in sadness and despair.

 

Jaiva

[i_hate_the_world47]

Thats my problem.I have no one that i can trust.I have my mom and i used to tell her everything,but we have grown apart.Ever since she found out about my cutting,she is afraid to talk to me i guess.She probably feels like w/e she says may make me cut.

 

Ya i did start to lose friends at that time in my life.Since my best friend had died i blamed myself.I was to scared to get close to anyone else,afraid they may die to.I have had so much death in my life that sometimes thats all i think about.

 

I cant just come out and tell my therapist this.Its hard to talk about it especially with him.I dont like to tell people my problems which is why,i think,thrapy is not working for me.I wish just once i could feel the happiness i felt when i was younger.But all my happiness has been sucked away and is replaced by depression and cutting.

[stream]

hi

i came to this site looking for answers. so far the only thing that is making sense to me is what you have shared. Life can really suck sometimes, or maybe all of the time.

in one year i had my grandfather, cousin, friend and an aquintence die in one year. and around that year i had two other cousins die. one by suicide and one for unknown reasons.

i don't cut, but I have wanted to at times, but realized that for me it would never make any difference in how I felt in the long run. and i need to be thinking in the long run because I have a son to take care of.

i know how hard therapy can be, especially when it doesn't feel safe. I am learning the hard way that nobody outside of me can fix me or even give me the answers that I have to find out for myself. one of these is knowing why the heck i am here in so much crazy pain that I feel like i am losing my mind.

i have what is called complex post traumatic stress syndrome. I bet you do too. learning how to ask therapist for what you need can sometimes make it eaiser to talk to them. Also, you might want to see if their is therapist that can offer you EMDR. it is trauma releasing therapy that involves using the eyes moving back and forth to access trauma spots in our brain. It doesn't take the pain away, but it helped me to start the process of cleaning my severely festered heart and mind.

i haven't gotten very far as relationships go becasue i have been afraid to feel my pain. my partner of three years is leaving me because i have been taking my rage and pain out on him and my son and myself. let this be a testament that holding in the pain only serve to make the pain worse. oh, and has anyone told you about the cycle of grieving. everyone goes through it. sometimes it helps to know why our emotions are what they are.

stream

[i_hate_the_world47]

i am sorry to hear about your situation stream.i hope everything goes better for you.I would strongly suggest that you dont start cutting.it is a nasty thing and is so hard to stop.PM me if you ever need to talk.

 

~Meagan~