butterfly6585 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Hi everyone, First of all, below is a link to my original thread on here for those who might be interested in reading about the "background" of the situation with my ex. Last week I managed to go five days straight of NC (no contact). However, there was a day that he contacted me six times (3 texts & 3 calls) mostly saying stuff about how he misses me, hoped I wasn't out on a date with someone that night, etc. I kept thinking about how sad I felt that both Valentine's Day & my birthday are coming right up & that we're not going to be spending those days together. So, like a fool I gave in & answered one of his calls (the day he contacted me six times). I've also talked to him a few times since then & each time we got off the phone I felt devasted to realize that nothing had changed & he still wasn't "ready" for us to get back together. When I talked to him last night though, that was like probably our worst conversation yet because what he said was such a blow to my self esteem/ego. To make a long story short, he basically told me that he loves & misses me but he knows if we got back together right now, he wouldn't be satisfied because of my weight. He had already said somewhat similar comments lately although before he had said that he'd prefer that I lose SOME weight before we get back together. Last night though, he said he wants me to ALREADY be AT my goal weight before we get back together! (I guess so he'll feel totally satisfied right from the get go). In any case, I'm totally devastated that he said that. I'm the first to acknowledge that I really do need to lose weight. It's not like I'm absolutely enormous or anything but yes, I do need to lose weight. Size 14 currently & my goal weight is 125. I explained to him that realistically, to lose weight in a healthy way, it will probably take me a few months to get to my goal weight (at least) as I currently have a long way to go to get to 125 again. It just breaks my heart & makes me really angry too that it's like he's pretty much insinuating to look him up when I get all the way down to my goal weight & then he'll want me to be his girlfriend again! Those weren't his exact words but I felt like that's what he was pretty much insinuating. I haven't seen him in almost a month & here I am almost every day feeling all sad because I've been missing him terribly & it's just killing me that he is (apparently) fine with not seeing me for even a few more months. He says that he really misses me and wants to see me now but he says he knows it's not an option because I've told him that I don't want to see him unless we've already decided that we're both ready to be in a relationship again. Just recently he said something like why can't we just hang out & f**k for the next few weeks & THEN start dating, just like everyone else does before they decide to be boyfriend & girlfriend? I was SO upset that he said this & told him that we already tried that recently & all it did was make me even more upset about things because it didn't lead to us actually getting back together. So, I made it very clear to him that I will NOT do that again! What makes this even more upsetting to me is that a few months back, he asked some other girl to be his GF & from the pics I saw of her on Facebook, she looked just as heavy as me if not even a little bit heavier than me!! (Things only lated one WEEK with them because he got all upset that she was hanging all over some guy "friend" of hers & so they broke up). Anyways, when I asked him why he didn't make it like a prerequisite for this other girl to be 125 before he agreed to being her girlfriend, he said it was because he knew that she wasn't looking for anything serious & he knew that she wasn't someone that he would ever want to marry. He said since we've already had 2 break ups (over the course of 3 years), that "when" we get back together, he doesn't want us to break up ever again & he worries that we might end up breaking up again if we get back together now while he's still not satisfied with my weight. I know that most men would of course prefer to be a thin girl vs. a chubby one but still...this just really hurts me so much that he's being so shallow like this. To me, it might be somewhat reasonable for him to say that he's not comfortable proposing right now & making a lifetime commitment to me while I'm still not at my goal weight. However, I think he's being pretty sh***y & shallow that he's basically telling me he wants me at my goal weight before he'll even start DATING me again. This is just really making me feel like s**t about myself. I haven't gone on a date with anyone yet since our breakup & I can't forsee myself going on one any time soon after what he's said about my weight because I already knew I could stand to lose some weight, but now I just feel super unattractive. Any advice/support would be much appreciated. The only "good" thing that came out of that conversation last night is that now I finally feel like I can stick to NC because I don't want to risk him saying something else that will make me really upset. A few hours we talked last night, I did end up sending him a few texts basically telling him off because I was feeling not only sad but also angry about what he said. I got pretty angry in my texts & basically told him to F off& said don't contact me anymore because I only want people in my life that love me no matter how much I weigh. So, hopefully I won't regret telling him off but at the time it felt good to do that because I was just SO hurt & upset about what he said. Link to comment
d24 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 A man should never say that to a woman. Never. I feel sorry for you, you can get your self-esteem from other places than him you know. He's not the only guy out there for you. And trust me, if he's saying such hurtful things about your weight I KNOW you can do better. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 so i take it your ex is either the latest calvin klein underwear model or brad pitt? because if he isn't he shouldn't be derogitory to any aspect of your appearance. i hope you know you deserve better. MUCH better, and it probably won't come from this guy. Link to comment
WockaWocka Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Someone who has rules and conditions before they will accept you as their bf/gf is not a partner worth having. You may desire to lose weight anyway, and that's fine and good. But let it happen on your timetable. Forcing the weight off quickly can be unhealthy (you shed lean body mass) and often leads to rebound weight gain. Don't even CONSIDER going back to him after you lose weight though!! At that point you might as well just hand him your self-esteem on a platter. No need to reward his jerk-ishness. Link to comment
debstudent Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 It made me really sad reading your post. I believe if you love someone and genuinely want to be with them then weight doesnt come into it! You are not obese and I bet you have a great figure. Size 14 is absoultely fine. I'm a size 14-16 and yes sometimes I feel that I need to lose some weight but I'm never going to do this for a man, EVER! My last ex also made a horrid remark (your post has only just reminded me of it!) but he told me that maybe my ex ex wasnt interested in having sex with me because he might not have liked my body! Chin up, I think in a little bit of time you'll come to realise this man has done you a favour and there's someone special waiting fo you xx Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Thank you very much for your input everyone. I really appreciate it. I got a text from him early this morning. All it said was "Aww, miss you". It really ticked me off that there wasn't even a hint of an apology about the hurtful comments he said to me last night (about my weight). Link to comment
Cadence44 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Butterfly, I can see that you are heartbroken over this. Trust me that there is so much more out there for you than this guy can offer. You're going to have to trust because you are so focused on him and getting him back that you aren't able to see your life without him in it. By continuing to let him string you along with his meaningless words about the future, you are handing him 100% power over your status. Why should he be the one calling the shots? You are worthy of so much more than this. You deserve someone who loves you for you, no matter your weight. You are not a secondhand citizen just because you are not at your goal weight and anyone who treats you as if you are is the person with the problem, not you. He is trying to control you and that is not okay. Please also consider the long term effects of his demands about your weight. Say that everything is rosy, you lose weight for him and you end up together in the future (this is unlikely to happen as long as he sees that he has power over you and can keep stringing you along.) What happens if you end up gaining weight in the future? What if you get pregnant and have a hard time losing the weight after you give birth? If you want to lose weight, do it in a slow and healthy way and do it for you. If you are not making changes because you want to (and I suspect that you wouldn't be as long as you are trying to conform to some guy's standards of being worthy of love) it will not last. I do hope you will think all of this over and begin to understand that he is not worthy of you and kick him to the curb. Go NC and I promise you that with time, you will be able to look back at what a jerk this guy is. It will be tough for you to do, but you will come out of this so much stronger if you refuse to let this man call the shots anymore. Link to comment
livelarge Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 He's a git. Plain and simple. His issues with your weight ARE NOT YOUR ISSUES no matter how much he tries to tell you they are. Don't let him make you feel unattractive. Please don't let him do that. He's unattractive for thinking like that and for telling you things like that. You are doing the right thing by going NC with him. I think that's a good thing to do with anybody who makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you feel crazy. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 Thanks so much for your input & support everyone. I really appreciate it. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 It's now going on 3 days since I basically told him off and went 100% NC with him. However, for the past few days he's still contacted me once a day (a text in the morning). However, I haven't heard from him at all yet today & it's bothering me. I can't help but worry has he already found someone else he's really interested in. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Update to my last post: He just tried calling me twice. (I ignored both calls). The 2nd time he called, he left a voice mail message that said: "Hi! Just calling to see how things are going. Okay, guess I'll talk to you later then. Bye"! CLEARLY he's still not taking me seriously that if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me (either because he thinks I'm not thin enough or for whatever reason), then I'm not going to be a part of his life at ALL anymore. In a way though, it's not that surprising that he's not taking me seriously because I've instituted NC and failed at it many times over the past few months. So, why should he believe this time will be any different?? For my own sanity & healing though, this time NEEDS to be different & so I'm trying really hard to stick to NC this time around. Link to comment
gez2705 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Good for you butterfly you stick to your guns the things your ex said where totally wrong nobody should be made to change for anyone you deserve so much better. You stick to NC its difficult I'll be honest but you will feel so much better for it ,and in a short period you will start healing and realize you are to good for this guy amd that someone will love you for you and who you are and not want to change you real love is blind I wish you well and if you begin to buckle post on her all the best it will get better Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 Thanks for the support gez. He ended up trying to call me three times today (left two voice mail messages) & then he also texted me two or three times. (One of the texts said are you on a date tonight") Since none of his messages said anything at all about wanting to get back together or even that he misses me, I just totally ignored him & didn't bother responding at all. Link to comment
gez2705 Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 No problem there where all here to support each other !!! Again you should be proud of yourself for not giving into his attempts to contact you. Keep going with NC and get yourself sorted you will soon be strong enough to not care about his texts and calls and you will be the better person. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 Thanks gez. I am feeling proud of myself for not giving into his attempts to contact me, especially since all he's doing is throwing me crumbs & trying to string me along. Since he's not specifically asking me to get back together with him when he contacts me, clearly he's just hoping I'll respond so that he'll get the ego boost/reassurance that I'm still right there on the backburner waiting for him. Link to comment
susaq Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Butterfly, I just wanna say that what you are doing is the right thing. Continue to ignore him and make him feel that you will not always be around waiting for him to take you back. Focus your energy on losing weight for you and take up a new hobby, make new friends and forget him. In a few months, you will wonder what you ever saw in him and you might even find someone new who will treat you better and accept you for you. Anyone who puts you down and doesn't accept you for the person you are does not love you. Stay Strong! Link to comment
d24 Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Thanks gez. I am feeling proud of myself for not giving into his attempts to contact me, especially since all he's doing is throwing me crumbs & trying to string me along. Since he's not specifically asking me to get back together with him when he contacts me, clearly he's just hoping I'll respond so that he'll get the ego boost/reassurance that I'm still right there on the backburner waiting for him. have you maintained NC all of this week? i really hope so, I was just thinking of you and hoping that you were staying strong. Best wishes Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.