How do you handle "The Other Guy"?

[nicholascrack]

kitten,

 

I was joking about not being able to have a gun anymore. Even when I was selling drugs, I'd never keep a gun on me. Don't worry, man. I got no intent to do anyting to anybody. I could crush him and beat him with a bag of money, then run him over with my Mercedes. He's no where near my level and I'm not too worried.

 

But I understand your frustration. How is no contact really productive when the ex is with someone else already? That's what I'm trying to figure out right now. You said it, "If she's with a new guy, and you're not contacting her at all, then she has absolutely no reason to miss you or think of you."

 

Now what's the solution?

 

Nicholas

[otrebla]

The only thing we can wait to happen is that her new relationship is a weak one.

[nicholascrack]

The fact that she is with another guy so quickly, to me, means that she is trying to fill the void that I left in her life. But she is moving too fast, in my opinion.

 

Which made me think of an analogy: Sometimes when you drive a car too fast, it crashes. Sometimes when you build a house without a strong foundation, it simply crumbles. Something to think about, for all of you people who's exes have hooked up so fast. They are trying to replace you. But it rarely works out like that.

 

Now when I saw her new guy at the bar making out with some other girl, I almost called her up and said, "The car crashes a lot sonner when the driver doesn't keep his or her eyes on the road," but thought better of it.

 

Don't lose hope, people. I am at the beginning with this break-up, but I urge you to not give up. If it's meant to be, it will be.

 

Maybe some people can elaborate.

 

Thank you for your wisdom and support.

 

Nicholas

[Fill]

One last thing...if you do go and ask for your ex back (after she dumped you) and she says yes...won't you not be walking on pins and needles afraid she'll dump you again? That's giving up all your power....and in a relationship neither partner should have to give up any.

 

bzborow1, you made a good point. Me and my ex broke up 4 times within the past 3 months, the last straw was three weeks ago when she said she wanted to be single and not be committed or have any priorities in her life right now. During those break-ups within the last three months, I was the one begging her to reconsider her decision of breaking up with me and she did, even though she said she was having fun and enjoying herself while she was single during those days we weren't together.

 

Near the end of May, I decided I wanted to break up with her (break-up #2) because she was acting so distant during that month and she didn't tell me the reason why she was like that. Although I ended the relationship there, I went to see her a week later because I missed her so much during that week, that I didn't want to lose a woman I love so dearly, and I didn't want her out of my life. When I went to see her I begged her again to come back to the relationship. She didn't agree to what I said which made me even more desperate to get her back. She again said that she enjoyed the week away from the relationship without having any priorities or worries. She just wanted us to be friends. I didn't know what to do so I agreed to it. I didn't know what to say afterwards so I asked her what she was doing later on in the week. She said that she was going to watch Shrek 2, which was one of the movies she wanted to watch with me. When we were dating she said reserve the day the movie comes out for her so we could go watch it together. That hurt me quite a bit, but the thing that threw me for a loop was that she said a guy friend asked her to go watch it and she agreed. This all happened within that one week we didn't communicate with each other.

 

Although I was deeply hurt and angry, I couldn't show her that I was so I calmly accepted what she said and left. During the week we constantly talked online and she began to regain her feelings for me. Within a week and a half we got back together again. We saw each other for a few days, but afterwards she began to miss the single life she had when we broke up those two other times so she decided to end it again. I was down in the dumps again for the third time, but I still kept up hope because she took me back twice. For about 2 weeks I kept in constant contact with her, hoping her feelings for me would come back just like those two other times we got back together. During those two weeks she would act distant when she talked to me because she didn't want her feelings for me to come back. To keep the story short she leaves for vacation for about a week and when she came back she acted a different with me when she saw me. She told me during her vacation she bought a present for me and nobody else which kinda led me to think that she still cherishes the thought of me. After a week of talking we got back together for the third time.

 

This time the relationship lasted for only a month, but during that month she would go out with her friends every weekend and go clubbing. This really bothered me because she would come back and not tell me anything and act all distant. Going clubbing once in awhile is cool, but she constantly went every weekend. The weekends were the only time I had to myself because during the week I had work. I always hoped to spend some time with her during the weekends but she decided to go clubbing. I felt like what bzborow1 said earlier, that you would be walking on pins and needles and be powerless in a relationship because you're scared to lose her. I wouldn't confront her of how her going clubbing constantly hurt me because I was scared to lose her again. I felt very powerless to her. During that month, I ignored hanging out with my friends and drop everything I was doing when she wanted to see me. I wanted to make things work.

 

Well things didn't work out in the end. She decided to break up with me once again 4 weeks ago and she said the same things she said those other times she broke up with me. I thought to myself that this is just a phase and I'll be her friend till her feelings for me come back. We still hung out consistently as friends for about a week after the break-up. During that time she told me she went out to dinner with a guy friend from college. She said that they stayed out till like 1 or 2 in the morning just talking. That was the last straw for me. That's when I realized it's over. That I couldn't be her friend because these were things I didn't want to hear.

 

I initiated NC after that incident and it's been 3 weeks since I last saw her. For me, I didn't want to know anymore information about the other guy or guys in her life. The less information I knew the less the pain. I would often have thoughts creep into my head, but they would only be speculations. The best thing to do is to move on with your life. Take the time to let your heart heal and not worry about what your ex is doing. Focus all that energy on your own life. It's going to be a hard and long process, but take it one day at a time.

[auburnslp]

that last paragraph says it all...

 

listen everyone, read that, do that...

 

it is the only way to move on

[Vert]

Auburn, I know man. You will always have thoughts, but the best idea is to never know anything about what she is doing or who she is seeing.

 

For me, the hardest thing will be (and has been) the thought that she could be intimate with another man. I told her that this would be the hardest thing for me (when she said we are "taking a break") and she said she worries about it too but says "you just can't think about it, I guess". She was not a serious dater before she met me -- in fact I was her first serious bf and she was 20 years old -- so I doubt that she has or will date anytime soon.

 

Anyway, I digress. I get extremely ill and sick to my stomach if the thought of her kissing or holding another guy enters my mind. I threw up the other night when I woke from a dream in which I saw her saying "I love you" to another guy and then proceeding to close her bedroom door with him in the room as they kissed (implying sex). That is definitely going to be the hardest thing for me.

 

Added note (edit): I think that if she did kiss another guy and then come back to me later asking to reconcile, I would have a hard time accepting. If she has sex and then regrets it and tries to be with me, I will definitely turn her down. If she did that, I think I would probably hate her for a while. It would hurt my soul to no end, but then at least I would have a reason to forget her permanently. I know that sounds malicious, but it seems easier to do NC if you are angry instead of wondering.

[auburnslp]

Vert...

 

Of course that is the hardest thing, to imagine the woman you want with another...and it does cause that sick feeling. Dreams happen, they did to me too...same kind that you mentioned...and it truly is a nightmare...

 

There is only one way to handle it...and that is, when those thoughts creep in, force yourself to immediately think of something else...get outside for a run, call a friend or family...shotgun a beer just kidding about that one, kinda whatever, but immediately distract yourself from those thoughts. Difficult, yes, but the only way. Listen, just a couple weeks ago I found out through a mutual friend who inadvertantly let slip in my presense that my ex and her ex husband were in a passionate embrace, kissing, etc at a get together...and even though I am over it all, and haven't spoken to her or anything in a month, and knew it was coming, it was still a shock and it hurt a bit. Normal. You have just got to get past it.

 

As far as you never wanting her back if she kisses or sleeps with another? Well, of course that is up to you. I personally think that is a little over the top...I mean, had she never kissed another guy before she met you? I know the thought of it is bringing you to your knees right now, but honestly, even if that was to happen, and she ended up realizing her mistake and came back to you, I would forgive everything that happened in the time apart, as it is now her business, not yours...and trust me, you don't want ot need any of it to be your business...very unhealthy. So if that was to happen, her coming back for a reconciliation, my advice would be...don't ask. In my opinion, whatever happens now, in this time, is irrelevant to the long-term, to what might truly be meant to be. I wouldn't let anything at all come between that, if you are given the opportunity. So don't wonder, and don't ask...my humble advice...

 

Good luck vert, keep us posted...Michael

[Vert]

Auburn,

I guess that is true as she has (admittedly) had make outs with other guys, but none of them were boyfriends (I guess party stuff). I guess that is what worries me the most -- that she will make a mistake that she will regret and come crying back to me. You are right though -- I can't worry about that, but it does eat me alive inside.

 

As for the thoughts about her, I know that I have to change my mind fast. Usually when I do have that thought, I try to immediately pull out my guitar and play, or if I'm near my computer I fire it up to play a game. This might sound cheesy but I'm into computer gaming (something she did not like), and I love to play online with people I've met in the games. Anyway, I will let you know how it goes.