Just had big fight with a close friend. What to do?

[RagingGecko]

Background info: This is a series of emails we send in the past few hours. Since we graduated she has has a new boyfriend (someone I dislike). I've never gone out with her, and I have no desire to anymore. I saw her Saturday evening for the first time in about a month, we went mini golfing and had a ton of fun. Then I was leaving to go home and host a LAN party and she was going with her other friends to pick up this guy. I got home and got an email from one of the friends saying that Dannie (my friend) seemed distracted and confused that I would leave them like that. I sent this email to Dannie. Warning, this is kinda long, but I really need help.

 

Hey Dannie:

 

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for leaving you guys yesterday. I had a lot of fun and we should do something again real soon. The LAN party was kinda last minute, and it got screwed up anyway. Brian, one of the guys coming, didn't feel good so he didn't come, and his girlfriend wouldn't come without him. That left 3 people, and a 3 person LAN party isn't much fun, so we just called it off and watched a movie. Trust me, I let Brian and Greg have it pretty hard for that one.

 

I also wanted to tell you something else. You are my friend, Tiff is my friend, Rach is my friend, and I love to hang out with you guys. Jansen is not my friend. I don't like him much, never did from the first time I met him, dunno why, I just don't. And I don't really like to hang out with him either. I think he's annoying and c.ocky and sometimes rude and ... well... I just don't like him very much. I'm not trying to change anybody else's mind, but I don't usually hang around people I dislike. I could put up with him, but every time I've hung out with you guys, you don't act like you anymore. You act totally differnet around him. You get so focused on him that you ignore everyone else. That's not cool and it's just not as much fun to hang around you when you're with him. I haven't said anything before because it sounds too much like I'm saying "choose between us," when that's not the case at all. He's your boyfriend and you like hanging around with him, but I just don't. Tiff emailed me last night and asked me why I'd leave like that, well, that's part of the reason. Shea said that she's noticed the same thing around you guys. She actually encouraged me to tell you, even though I was going to anyway. So, anyway, now you know. Write back, we should do something again soon.

 

Shea

 

 

 

She wrote back:

 

Shea:

 

WTH! Maybe you and Tiff should do something again soon. If you hung around me more you would realize i act different around you and tiff than myself. I am more used to hanging around jansen and rach than anyone. THEY are there for me when i need someone or just to talk to. When Im around you and Tiff I don't feel like myself and i hate that. You're the one who wanted to hang out and I dont care about your stupid lan party. If anything you and tiff were acting weird and i knew that was why you left. And if it was between you and jansen i would choose him you wanna know why? And its not just becasue he is my boyfriend it is because he cares about my feelings and you said he was c.ocky. He always puts his feelings aside and puts mine first. If he didnt like anyone he wouldnt tell me that because he knows that is hurts me, he instead goes and acts like he is having a good time and tries to make me feel happy. You are totally opposite! of him and you only care about yourself and you are intimidated by him being there well, I dont think i really want to hang out with someone who is to c.ocky like you to stand people he doesnt lie for a freakin hour or 2. Thats all i have to say and have fun hanging out with tiff I'm sure shell do whatever you want and warship the ground you walk on.

 

 

My reply:

 

Dannie:

 

Wow. That is something I never expected from you. You have just proved my point. I've always tried to be there when you wanted someone to talk to, you just never accepted it. I knew you for all of high school and before that even, Jansen came into the picture this year. You told josh once that you wouldn't talk to him if he dated Cathy Whaley (I think that's who it was) because he changed when he was around her. Well, you've changed, you became exactly what you hated. I absolutely hated myself for writing that email, but I couldn't stand it anymore. I knew you would hate me for it, and it looks like I was right. I wrote it because I was worried about you. You've become a different person since since you started dating him, and this just proves it. You never would have said things like this to me before. Whether you want to see it or not, you've changed. If you can't take one day away from seeing him once in a while to hang out with your real friends, well, maybe it's better this way then. I'd be lying if I said I didn't use to be jealous of him, but now all I wanted was to hang out with someone who I used to concider my best friend. You may think I only think of myself, but I always put you first, that's why I never said anything until now. It kills me to do anything that might hurt you, but you're burning the bridges with your friends, and I was worried that you were only going to get hurt. First you fight with Rose, now this. I guess all I can say is I'm sorry. I know that won't mean anything to you. I hope you guys stay together and have lots of fun, and yes, I'm being serious about that. Believe it or not, I was happy that you were happy with him, even if I didn't like him. I don't really have anything else to say except I'm sorry I hurt you, and please write back after a while. If you don't want to, I understand, and goodbye, and saying that hurts more than you can imagine.

 

Shea

 

Her reply:

 

shea:

 

Me and rose are not friends anymore because i didnt approve of her being pregnant. Me and josh didnt talk during that time because he was screwing up his life not changing. he moved out of his house and almost lost his job, his grades were slipping and he wasnt going to practices for band. I am actually doing better with my life. Im going to college, I have two jobs, i got into the band, and i actually get out of my house now. I have become a better person I am not bitter all the time now and i laugh and smile so much more now. Before I always kept my thoughts and feelings inside because i was afraid i would hurt people but now i see it was hurting me more i couldnt be who i wanted to.And your talking about people changing, you are always with greg and brian or working and never have time for us. GRaduating and get out in the world makes us open up and become better poeple and i really dont want to talk about this anymore ask anyone i am a b! etter person now. Anyone who really knows me like rachel my best friend or my parents or the people i work with and all my REAL friends. If you were a real friend you would try to hang out more and not complain because i already have plans with people who dont judge me like you are now. GOOD BYE SHEA I DONT NEED THIS!

 

My final reply:

 

Dannie:

 

I'm sorry about the rose thing, I didn't know that. You see, you don't talk to me anymore. I am rarely working, and I'm almost always home, and I ALWAYS have time for you guys. You have always had me if you wanted to talk, and you still do, just give me a call or catch me on AIM. You said you kept your feelings inside because you were afraid to hurt people. Well then why did you expect me to keep my thoughts and feelings inside when it was hurting me? I always tried to be a good friend, but you wouldn't open up to me, and that really hurt. If you don't want to be friends anymore, I won't bother you again. I'm sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you, and I'm sincerely happy that you are happy with your life. Thanks for the good times, I mean it, and I'll miss you.

 

Shea

 

 

 

She hasn't wrote back and I don't know if she will. I'm sorry that I ever sent that email, I had no idea she'd react this way. I guess that sort of proves my point that she's changed, I don't know what she'll do anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like this guy stole my best friend and she's too blind to see it. It's ripping me apart and it hasn't even been a day. Help.

[xoxocheriesoxox]

if you let something like that get to you you can ruin your whole life just because you were upset about one person. You should move on. I knoe it will be hard but you should try. It will be the best thing that u ever did. And when she sees that it doesnt bother you she will most likely send you back an e-mail saying stuff like i can't believe that you dunn care about our friendship and stuff. but when she does this just send her an e-mail back saying well your the one that wouldnt talk to me and that wasn't being reasonable, so i decided that it wasn't wasting my time, it was wasting yours. then she will be mad because it doesn't bother you and you will feel good knowing that it doesn't bother you.

[abcd1234]

Hi RagingGecko,

 

Im not really to sure what to think about this situation, its a whole load of information to take in one go! I think to start off with i must say that if i was Dannie i would have been quite surprised to get an email like that saying all of those things about Jansen; its not a particularly nice thing to receive which is probably why she replied with an email like that.

 

You could have explained your feelings to her in a much better way by talking about them as you go along instead of bottling them up and sending one email containing all of that stuff.

 

It is very surprising to me that a friendship can be completely changed in just 5 but i suppose these things happen. You obviously both had things that you were keeping from each other and wanted to tell and your first email seems to have been the catalyst which has sparked it all off. You now have to decide what you want to do:

1. You can try to patch things up, put all of this behind you and still be friends.

2. You can forget the friendship and move on.

 

It is totally up to you, if she is that good a friend then im sure that you will both want to try and patch things up. I suggest that you talk to her and explain that you didnt feel right storing up all of these things which you have wanted to tell her and thought that it would be better if you were honest with her.

 

If you feel that you dont want to continue with the friendship and attempt to get over this hurdle then follow what xoxocheriesoxox has said above.

 

Good luck,

abcd1234

[RagingGecko]

Well, she's always known that I didn't like him. I've told her before and she said "I know." That's one reason I didn't think she'd overreact. But I could never figure out why she still wanted me to hang out with him all the time.

 

And from what she's said about her other friends (Josh and Rose), I'm not sure I WANT to continue to be friends with her. I'd rather have my good memories of the way she used to be that make new ones with a person I barely know anymore. I'm seeing a pattern now where she just dumps her friends when they need her help the most. I know both those people, and they aren't bad people, they've just made some bad choices. Add her reaction to this, and her way of dealing with things she doesn't like is just running away from it.

 

I think what I'm going to do is just let her cool off for a while and give her time to think. To tell the truth, after the initial shock i'm not too upset. She's just changed too much. Tiff, the girl that agrees with me, said she's going to call her on Thursday after she's had a couple days. I've already said that I'm always there if she ever needs me, so I think the ball is in her court now.

[aireyc]

Ah yes, I can relate to this. You have someone you talk to and get along with, you're there for them if they need stuff, but if you express any concern (even if it is in your best interest to help them, AND you say that) they just freak out on you. Sadly, I can't really offer an advice. I'm still living my case so I don't know how things will turn out. I guess the best thing you can do is just not message her for a while. If she wants to do anything to patch the problem she'll message you. Just don't worry about it and give it time. Try to go on with your life and if she does message you back, you have another shot. It may take her some time to realize what actually happened. Good luck and I'll let you know if anything happens with my situation that could possibly help you.

 

Chris

[abcd1234]

Yes, giving her time to cool off will give you both some time to think about it. Wait a few days and let Tiff call her, find out from Tiff how she is and what her feelings towards you are then make a decision from that.

 

You never know, she may call you sometime soon and want to make up but judging from her initial reaction i think that is unlikely.

 

abcd1234

[RagingGecko]

Well, chances are Tiff isn't going to call her now. Dannie left an IM for her calling her a lying little b****, etc and so forth. I guess it just proves me right, the old Dannie wasn't imature enough to resort to name calling. And she says she's a better person now . Oh well, if she's willing to give up a 7 year friendship over something so stupid, I'll oblige.

[abcd1234]

It certainly sounds like she is being very immature about this whole thing and could be handling it in a much more civil way by talking over the problems with you guys instead of sending rude and insulting emails like that.

 

It sounds like you are preparing to move on from this friendship and forget about her which i think is probably the right thing to do at this time. She will probably realise at some point what a big mistake she has made and will regret it but i dont think that you should be friends with her if she is going to be like this.

 

It should never have been blown so out of proportion, it was only a simple matter of you disliking her boyfriend. I think most people regard it as a matter of opinion but she seems to have taken it very much to heart.

 

abcd1234

[RagingGecko]

It really just shows that I was right. She is obsessed with him to an unhealthy level. It's really too bad because she's inevitably going to get hurt when they break up, which I know they will. I can't see them being together for more than a few more months, and after that she's cut herself down to one friend. I really can't see how she blew it so out of proportion, especially when I never said anything to insult her or make her mad, I was just expressing my opinion about her boyfriend. If she can't handle that then she's not gonna have many friends b/c pretty much everyone I've talked to about this guy says the same thing. He's not exactly the kind of person you want to be dating.

 

Oh well, at least the way she's acting makes it that much easier to just move on. With her new attitude she's not someone I really want to be around anyway. 8)

[abcd1234]

As with any realtionship there will be hurt if they break up. I dont know if she is obsessed with him but she certainly seems to be cutting out her friends and treating you all very differently to how she usually would.

 

the way she's acting makes it that much easier to just move on

I agree with you there. However a sudden loss of friendship like this can be quite difficult to forget at first but, as with most things, it gets easier over time.

 

Good luck,

abcd1234

[jbs_jaffa_gal]

hey ummmm i can't believe it ! i was looking on the internet for advice because i hav just had a massive argument with MY best friend over her boyfriend. she has changed all because of him. i can't believe my luck stumbling accross this.

if ne1 gave u good advice can u pass it on to me ??? please

my e-mail is email removed thanx !