HE'S NOT READY - AFTER ALL THIS-- WHAT NOW??

[TrueHeart]

After all we've been through in the past 3 months, and when I've finally told him how I feel, finally said to him that I love him enough, and want to try again-- he said that he's not ready.

 

Though I admire his honestly that he's not ready to share a relationship and commitment because he doesn't trust himself, and he again, doesn't want to be hurt again.

 

He still talks to Jenna, still wants to just hang out with her-- but insists that he in no way wants to rekindle a relationship with her. He carries on just how he has. He knows he has to make a choice between everyone, but he doesn't want to hurt anyone. Today is her birthday, and he's taking her out to dinner, at her request. Everytime the phone rings, my stomach turns.. I have been uneasy for the past 2 weeks. And in 3 weeks, he's going to Rocky Point with her and some friends...

 

Last night I finally told him that I couldn't handle what was going to happen.. I just can't take it... but I love him. I just feel like he really doesn't understand me. He knows I love him, and knows I desire to be with him-- but he's not ready.. He did say he only has a quarter of his life figured out, and he's still unsure about a lot of things.

 

My question is, what now??? Where do I go from here? I can't handle him hanging out with her and carrying on the way he does.. and he knows this. I want him so badly, and I told him I desire no one else but him-- that I've made a sacrifice of a friendship with MY XBF, just to ensure that there wouldn't be temptation or distraction----

 

Why is he doing this? He doesn't like seeing me cry, and I know that the next 3 weeks of events are just going to gut me! Help, guys... I'm really at a loss here.

[brokenpogostick]

Wow, that's harsh and that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. If you read some of my previous posts you'll find that my bf seemed to have some kind of weird issues with forgetting about an ex gf, we fought badly, i cried, he cried, our relationship went down the toilet, he started actually calling her, he confessed, i got upset & tried to leave, he begged me to stay, we fought horribly for a week straight and now i have MAJOR trust issues.

 

my guy would tell me he hates seeing me upset, blah blah blah, but did anything change..no, not really - it only got worse. i'm not saying this is what your guy is going to do, i'm just saying that's what happened to me.

 

he shouldn't be doing all that crap if he really truly cared about you. like you said, you dropped communication with your ex so that he would feel more comfortable & secure, he owes the same to you. if he can't knock his crap off maybe it's time to cut your losses & find someone worth your love. i feel for ya... good luck

[Beec]

Trueheart,

 

This guy seems to want to sit on the fence and never make a choice.

 

He seems to be in a classic follower of the "I want what I can't or might not be able to have" thoughts. But if he can have it, then he really does not want it.

[Beec]

I did not answer what now?

 

What now? Well, in this case I don't even see that it depends. Mr. I want my Cake after I eaten it too needs to be cut off.

 

How can you let him be around you when he does not value your company in the same way you think it should be valued. He needs to learn to put a vlaue on it, if you are going to consider anything with him in the future. If you won't consider it, why bother being in contact with him.

[TrueHeart]

I'm just so sad, and I can't get rid of this hurt.. and the sick thing is, that if I walk away--- I know he's lost nothing (even though he claims he has lost me)-- he has another to run to. He's playing games... but I guess if I walk away-- what should I expect?? I know he'll call, I know he'll want to comfort me.. but what now?

[Beec]

It hurt, and it hurts because of what he did. I am no advocate of No Contact, but I don't think that when you've been stabbed you open up your arms to exchange hugs with the knife that stabbed you. In this case, I think you need a little space, and I think maybe using that space you can reassess your game and it you still want him.

[Mun]

Trueheart,

Why is he doing this? because he can. You actions have told him that you will ALLOW him to walk all over you. In fact they have said " I will be here when you get back because YOU matter so much"

 

Girl you need to step back and look at this again. He is not valuing you because you have stopped valuing yourself. Anytime we show another person that our happiness depends on them and that we NEED them like this, they mistreat us. The only way you will break this is if you stand up for yourself and say ENOUGH.

 

You may lose him, but you will gain your self-respect. It almost seems as if he is with you out of pity but he really likes Jenna. Never accept pity. You deserve so much more!

 

Be strong!

[TrueHeart]

Thanks folks... It is very difficult.. And believe me, I've said that to him about Jenna too-- and he said he doesn't want her either, but its just the things he does for me... bought ME flowers when he screwed up with me, but didn't do that to Jenna... Spent and entire weekend with me over July 4th, spends most of his time with ME... I just don't get it...

 

He said he is afraid to lose me, and he doesn't want me to go away.. But he won't chase me, he will let me do what I want to do... If I walk away, how do I know I'm even leaving an impression?

[Beec]

Trueheart,

 

You may not be leaving an impression, but the thing is what are you doing if you stay? If you lie down and act like a door amt, people will walk over you. You can recreate your relationship with him, so he is not boyfriend or mate worthy, cause he is not, but can YOU do it? Can you, yourself manage to do it with him around?

 

You could also try to seduce him into a relationship with you, but that could be tough too at this stage.

[TrueHeart]

I don't know in that department. He just called me to make sure I was ok ( I left last night in pretty bad shape, but said I needed to be alone )-- he said that he "feels responsible for hurting me in everyway"-- I said that I didn't know what to say, but I wished him the best on his dinner tonight with Jenna saying "Well, have a good time tonight."-- I think acting like it doesn't bother me, bothers him more persay.. I can't figure that out.

 

He feels really bad though, but I said that I didn't know what to say to that. His birthday is coming up soon, and after that, in 2 weeks, he's planning on going to Rocky Point, Mexico with her and some of her friends... and then 2 weeks later, we were suppose to go to Sedona for the weekend at a casino-- I don't know.. I really want to stay away from him.. but the thought of her and him together --- out of sight, out of mind. He'll forget all about me...... and at this point, he needs to be without me to see what its truly like...

 

What confuses me is that he said today "he feels responsible for my pain"-- but during our conversation last night, he said everything but that... does that mean he's thinking about it???

[Beec]

Trueheart,

 

The guy does not act like and pretty much teels you he is not going to be "exclusive relationship" material for you, at least for now. If you can accept him being with Jenna this weel, you next week and who knows who in two months, keep doing what you have been. If not, cut him off. I don't think you can be around him, now, without either accepting that or having him hurt you.

 

He gets to have his cake and eat it too otherwise. You cannot just give it away, if you think it has value.

[TrueHeart]

OK, tonight we were texting all before he went on his little dinner with Jenna. I bought him an XBOX for his birthday (non-refundable or returnable) so I have to give it to him... we were discussing it. He wanted to give me money for it, and I said not to bother.

 

Then he started talking about our trip to Sedona:

 

Sent a message:

"Will you go with me still to the casino (Sedona)"

 

and I replied with: " We'll see.. It depends on you. Don't go out of pity for me, you can take whomever you want, no matter the original plans.. I'd like to go, but its not up to me."

 

His reply was: ""Yes, I want to and will STILL want to go with you."

 

He hasn't replied since (assuming hes on his cozy date, which I'm sure hes forgotten all about me)-- and I don't intend on calling him or making ANY moves from today on... Our Sedona trip is Labor Day weekend... who knows what will transpire.

 

BUT!! Why would he say such a thing.. I told him he could take ANYONE, even Jenna-- I didn't care.. Shes 19 today, so maybe she'd like that... But he wants to go with me...

 

Am I wrong in being so cold-shouldered?

[Mun]

Hi TrueHeart,

You probably don't care what I think, but I think you are not being cold-shouldered enough. Why are you giving him the xbox? That is a very expensive gift for someone who is not your bf. This is the way I gauge presents: Will it hurt me to see another girl wearing a gold chain I give my guy? for you it will be : Will it hurt me to know that he and Jenna play on the xbox? If the answer is no... then go ahead and give him the gift.

 

Maybe you like all this? Do you think that if he picks you it will make everything better? I honestly don't see how you can ever feel good about this guy with the way things are going. Do you think he might be going on the Casino trip because he feels guilty about you hanging around waiting for him? Of course he would never admit to this. I'm sure he feels like quite a ladies man with all this attention from 2 girls.

 

When a man feels something nice for you he goes out of his way to treat you special. You know this. How special do you feel? Maybe you should ask yourself this Trueheart.

 

Love

[TrueHeart]

I'd like to first start by going through the last post one-by-one because it has a lot of great points in it-- and maybe I can help defend my position a little better...

...

You probably don't care what I think,

 

Please don't ever think that. If I didn't want to accept advice from all sides of the spectrum, I surely wouldn't be on a forum... I value everyone's opinion here MORE than I do people in my everyday life-- its a great way to get an outside opinion without bias.

 

 

..but I think you are not being cold-shouldered enough. Why are you giving him the xbox? That is a very expensive gift for someone who is not your bf. This is the way I gauge presents: Will it hurt me to see another girl wearing a gold chain I give my guy? for you it will be : Will it hurt me to know that he and Jenna play on the xbox? If the answer is no... then go ahead and give him the gift.

 

Somehow I also believe that I am really NOT being cold-shouldered enough.. I've ignored 2 of his calls that came in last night really late (probably after the date)-- because I really didn't care what he had to say. The XBOX was a long-time planned gift I had been saving for for a better part of a month. Non-refundable, not returnable, and I won't ever use it personally... Yes, its a large present, but thats how 'mislead' I was into believing how serious things seemed.... I don't care who plays it, or anything like that.. As far as I'm concerned, its a piece of metal and plastic to help him stay in his juvenile state....(no offense to those other game console players)

 

Maybe you like all this? Do you think that if he picks you it will make everything better? I honestly don't see how you can ever feel good about this guy with the way things are going.

 

There is in no way anything pleasureable about this experience. The sickness in my stomach, the confusion- I do want it all to end, and for me to have a relatively logical understanding of it. His behavior is NOT acceptable-- I'm not happy with him at all. I've asked him to leave me alone, but he won't-- he's always "concerned about me" or "feels guilty because he hurt me"-- I am rather NOT interested in his excuses.

 

Do you think he might be going on the Casino trip because he feels guilty about you hanging around waiting for him? Of course he would never admit to this. I'm sure he feels like quite a ladies man with all this attention from 2 girls.

 

Thats why I really truly don't want to go to the Casino with him and my other friends, because just listening to his tone, it would only be out of pity or guilt that he'd be taking a vacation with her, and then not with me-- I think perhaps she got jealous I was taking a vacation with him, which prompted (perhaps) her invitation to Mexico. Admit it? Never. And he might think he's a ladies man, but I'm not going to be in the middle anymore.

 

How special do you feel?

I feel about as special as a 3 foot tall pile of used toilet-paper....

 

 

[Beec]

 

How special do you feel?

 

I feel about as special as a 3 foot tall pile of used toilet-paper....

 

 

 

Exactly. He makes you feel how? A special as used toilet paper, and you are considering going on a trip with him. Why?

[cp4200]

What's so new in all this? I've said what I needed to say, especially in a private message to you. It's your decision now. Does the term doormat sound familiar as posted by others?

 

As long as you allow him to control your emotions and decisions, you will not be in control of your own life or the subsequent consequences and backlash of emotions.

 

He's going somewhere with Jenna, then going somewhere with you. He's splitting his time, and emotions if he has any. I can understand to a point his dilemma, but it is his dilemma, and he needs to decide what he really wants. You are allowing that to happen by not taking a firm stand and saying forget Sedona unless we are mutually exclusive. Hey, it sounds as if some of your other frineds are going. Go there alone, and not hooked up with anyone if that is possible without being a third wheel. Show him that you are serious about your decision.

 

For you, you're still playing the drama queen role here by sitting on the fence and not making a firm decision. Life is bigger than one relationship, plain, period and simple. Especially if it is a relationship that is causing you this much emotional turmoil.

 

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to decide - you or Jenna. That you are not willing to entertain this dual relationship, not interested in this drama any longer, and you have to take care of number one first. That you have more respect for, care about, and must protect your own emotions before you get physically sick over it. Stress is not a good thing for the body and the immune system,

 

If he really has any true feelings for you, he will decide the right way. The question is, if he does decide to come back to you, will you take him back. Perhaps there is a little vindication you are harboring that could turn him down once you make up your mind, and it will be him that is left in the cold. What are your true feelings.

 

Relationships are supposed to be happy, and reuniting with a realtionship and lover from the past, often spells disaster waiting in the wings. You can not recreate the "way it was" feelings or situations. There's been too much water under the bridge.

 

Either get a new life, or accept the old situation on new terms, but DO NOT expect things to be the way they were. It will never be that way again.

 

Worst case scenario - you let him back into your life and will be miserable. Best case scenario - you let him back into your life and will always have that element of doubt hanging around about Jenna or others.

 

You decide. Be single for awhile. Get involved with groups, organizations, charities. Devote your time to something bigger than you, and you may be surprised at what may come around the corner in time. Patience is a virtue.

 

CP

[Beec]

Just one comment on what cp4200 said.

 

He does not seem to be bale to choose now. How quickly does his mind vacilate. A few weeks ago, it was looking like you and you alone. Then he slept with her. Then he wanted you. I would not let him make a choice quickly then change his mind. I'd make him pick and show he really had picked. I don't think he will right now pick you. You need to back away.

[Jake212]

TH,

Walk away from him. The more you have contact with this guy the more its going to tear you up. Look, you have helped me so much that I have not spoken too, seen, and completely avoided my ex for a week now. And the hurt is going away. This guy is going to keep coming back because he needs someone to fill a hole in him. When he cant get an "emotional fix" from Jenna he's going to seek you out and keep doing that until you stop him. But sweetie, you've got to put your foot down and do this stuff for you. You deserve someone who will love you with all their heart not half hearted, you cant let him use you like this; I'm not saying he is doing this on purpose, but he has major commitment issues and self estem issues, you need to break off all contact with him.

[TrueHeart]

Folks, and especially Beec, Jake and CP--

 

I thank you very much.. You all have been my driving force in confirming gut feelings I've had for a while. I sincerely do not want to go to Sedona with him, even though it would be fun-- YOU'RE ALL RIGHT The lingering doubt or curiosity, rather, of Rocky Point, Jenna and even last night will just kill me from the inside out.

 

There is nothing he could say or do that would ever satisfy my curiosity, ever completely convince me that anything's truly changed-- which is why i have had this epiphany:

 

I have taken a different light.. He is NOT the man I fell in love with all those years ago. He's different, more selfish and is completely content with being in the middle of this soap-opera he's made. His meek attempts at affection towards me since that dreadful Thursday night, I cannot see or even feel as genuine. I must accept that those things are lost, and the only thing I've gained at this point is another heartache-- but I've learned to never step on my shadow again.

 

I insisted that he take someone else to Sedona, despite his desperate attempts to tell me that he still really really wants me to go with him. I thought about that whole "I'll go to Sedona with you, but only if things are mutually exclusive between you and I"-- But then, I started thinking about that..... If I take him back, will he insist on remaining 'just friends' with Jenna--- his track record indicates YES... and I cannot handle that, nor will I accept it. I made the sacrifice with a friendship to my XBF for his comfort and at-ease, with just as much to 'lose'-- but he couldn't even return the favor....

 

In conclusion.. I cannot commit to someone who won't even meet me halfway as a friend-- and especially not a lover... Even though he claims to have not chosen her for a relationship-- actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words.... I just don't logically understand why someone could do something like that to another person... thats my dilemma.

 

Puts a new meaning to the phrase "Is that your final answer?"

Should anything new transpire, I will let you all know.. Thank you so much everyone... Thanks for returning the favor

[cp4200]

One last comment on this thread about intuition and gut feelings.

 

First, they are both the exact same thing, often described differently. Such as women have intution, men have gut feelings. They register in the same place, the lower abdomen or gut.

 

Secondly, we should learn to differentiate the differences between thinking and feeling. We have a dual mental system in place, one that is physical, one that is spiritual. The physical is the thinking, and will often try to lead us astray in what the brain wants to do, or what you might "logically" derive in your thoughts or assumptions. However, the spiritual is the feeling aspect, and will NEVER tell you wrong, nor lead you astray. it is our guide for this physical life, and serves as the best source of information that you could develop over time. You could liken it, depending on religious views to God or cosmic concscience.

 

The CRITICAL difference is learning to distinguish between the two aspects of these processes. One way is to know that the thinking will almost always pop right up there immediately with an answer, as it is right there in the conscious moment. This is not always the correct answer, and can be deceptive, because the brain has its' own agenda of pleasure. It does not want to focus on a work project or study for example. It wants to go outside and play, not work. It is a lazy organ of the body, even though it is very complex.

 

The feeling aspect requires a bit more concentration, if not time to develop that distinction. So the next time, ask yourself, how do I think about something, and then take a breath, close your eyes and ask how you feel about the same thing. The feeling, or actually the spiritual mind is our motivation, creativity, drive and rewards us with many things, if we take the time to listen to it.

 

Practice this little exercise if you are going somewhere that has an alternate route and there might be traffic to delay you. Work on this example and others that you come accross. In time, it will work for you in ways that you won't even recognize, but will become almost second nature.

 

As you said Trueheart, your gut feeling was this...or that..., so in the future, listen more closely to it, and you might learn to avoid problems in the future before they become a problem.

 

CP

[TrueHeart]

What a great way to put things! I will indefinitely practice this routine and spread the word. As my Mom always said, your first instinct is usually the most correct one... in reference to the gut feeling... Thats what prompted me to go to his house where I caught him cheating... and what prompted me to assume that Jenna and him weren't over entirely-- BOTH times I just listened to that little voice, and it turned out to be right....

 

Thank you once again.... from the bottom of my heart