Feeling Extremely Depressed

[Tique]

I have been feeling extremely depressed for some time now. So long in fact that I can't remember when the feeling first started. I just find myself going through my days getting sadder and sadder. I don't know exactly why I am feeling this way, I guess it's a number of reasons. I've been wanting to go to a shrink so I could get some professional help, but I can't afford any. So, after searching online for some time, I finally found this site. I see that you people give some good advice, and I'm hoping you can help me.

 

I don't know where to start. I feel worthless, like a big failure. I'm currently in my final year in university, studying Media and Communication and this is my final semester. The thing is, I am so not happy. I don't know why I'm studying the media, I feel I am no good at it, and the people I am around just seem to underline this fact. I am tired of people saying to me, "oh you're in the media??? but you don't seem like the type. you're so quiet" or "you're so shy" and the like. It just makes me feel bad in myself. Naturally, I am a quiet person, and I do admit, I am shy, but I think I am a shy beacuse of all the negativity that is thrown at me. I'm shy because I'm afraid to open myself and be ridiculed. I take rejection (and I guess this is general for everybody) to heart. I think on things that people say about me so hard sometimes that I get down all the time.

 

Anyway, back to my degree. When i first started the degree I was wondering if I was cut out for it. In my head media is for the glamorous people, and I don't consider myself to be glamorous. Nevertheless, I decided to go on with the degree. Media was my second choice, you know, something I'd do in case I got turned down. Originally I had chosen Literature as my first choice,. Not because I love the subject, but because if anything I could go and teach.

 

Teaching is not my passion, literature is not my passsion, and media is not my passion. But they are things that I can do. Now, I'm doing Lit. as a minor and...I'm not doign well, for the same reason I'm not doing well in my media studies (I'm not failing but I know I can do better. I was an A student, now y grades are B's and C's). I just feel I am not cut out for Lit, and when I go in the classes and listen to the other students talk, so knowledgeable and smart and intelligent and I look at myself I wonder, ;what the hell am I doung? I'm not good enough for this, I can't do this.."

 

I just feel bad. right now my tears are so close because I don't know what I'm doing to myself. Additionally, I do not know what is happening with me and my boyfriend. I love him and I knwo he loves me, but when I'm around him sometimes I just want him to go away. And when he leaves I miss him so much. He is extrremely untidy and unhelpful sometimes. I rent an apartment and he would always mess it up. He would stay there in the days while I go to school (he's my age, 22) and he would just have th eplace messy, regardless of the fact that he's there doing nothing everyday. And I would have to come home from school and tidy the place. He doesn contribute to the bills or the groceries (he cant because he's not working) but that is nt what bothers me the most. It's just that I know he cant provide it, but I feel terrible when my mom manages to send me a little money and I have to stretch it for both of us. I know that if he got a job he would provide fo rus, he's good like that but it hurts me to know that he is inconsiderate enough to be stressing me out like this. and whenever i bring it up he gets upset with me. *sigh* I don't want to lose him but everyday it seems to get worse. And I dont want to lose him because he's all I have. My family is wayy back home very far from where I am, and my friends are far away too. I feel lonely, no-one to talk to and I feel that my life is going downhill.

 

I am back three months in my rent and I really have no groceries. I have to worry about food and y landlord everyday. Plus, I have school stressing me out too. and then there is my boyfriend. With all of that, I am constantly getting ill and having to go to the doctor. This is probably a side effect of my poor diet also.

 

I know this is long, but it is only a slice of what I am going through. I would really like someone to talk to who can help me work through all of this.

[pbsurf]

Well, you have come to the right place. Therapy would probably help too, maybe even antidepressants (i'm not a fan however), but this place has some very smart people for you to talk with.

 

A few quick thoughts/questions... do you have many or any friends outside of your boyfriend? are you close to your family? I find that having just one person to talk with periodically really helps on tough days.. Also, a tight group of friends will keep you busy and occupied, and take your focus off of your day-to-day issues. If you don't have this, try getting involved in local groups that interest you.

 

which brings me to the next question. What are your hobbies and interests. Hobbies for me, particularly exersize and sports, really help my outlook and confidence, and naturally help the body fight depression. These, in my opinion, are crucial to have if you are going to get out of the negative cycle you are in. If you have some things outside of school and your boyfriend that is "yours", then make time every week to get to it. And exersize at least 3-4 days a week...

 

Finally, for a long time I had thougth that self-help books and websites were silly. No more. Go to the library or browse at the bookstore self help section. Read as much as you can and take everything with a grain of salt. I think that a positive attitude can result "artificially" this way, which in my view is as good as a natural positive attitude. Believe it or not, forcing a smile can put you in a better mood

 

Anyway, not sure if any of this helps. I can say that I and many people here relate to alot of what you are saying, and that for almost everyone, these cycles are temporary...

and keep writing here, journal, ask questions etc. Don't obsess about it, but come around any time you feel despair and you will get a response (or many...)

 

Paul

[Tique]

Thanks Paul, I will take your advice and visit the library soon.

 

My family is sort of tight knit, but even there I feel like the odd one out. I can't really relate to my two older sisters and my father is a lost cause. My little sister, i can talk to her, but she's a lot younger than me and has problems of her own (problems that I'm supposed to help her with). Plus I wouldn feel right telling her my problems. My mother now, she is my sole saviour in my family. I can probably tell her anything, but, I refrain from telling her my problems because she goes through a lot with my dad (she keeps most inside because she doesnt want us to know she's hurting). I can see that she is sad and telling her my problems just feels selfish to me. So my family is basically out.

 

My closest friends outside of my bf are all gone. After high school we all split up, and now I hardly see them or get in contact with them. The only time we get in contact is on that rare phone call or if I see them on Facebook. So my bf is all I have. Which is why I'm so scared to lose him. I suck at making friends...and I dont think I can ever get another boyfriend (frankly I dont want to go through the dating process again) so I just feel stuck.

 

My hobbies..hmmm. When I was younger I used to love art, I used to sit and draw. I dont do that anymore. I used to love writing stories. That too is gone because of my degree ( I feel I am no good at writing anymore) regardless of gettting an A in a Creative Writing course I did last year. That was my lone A...but still I feel "uncreative" and like I can't write. I like photography (not of myself lol) but my camera is not working. I also like graphic design, but I find I have no time to do it. The only thing that I can consider a hobby that I have been doing regularly is playing games. I love computer games. I find that when I am down or when the schoolwork gets to me I play games. Maybe this is just a reaction similar to running away from my problems, but that is what I do. I want to stop this as well, I feel I could get more work done if I were not playing games so much.