Destiny2112 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 I know it's not a comforting or sounds like a good answer, but time, time, time and time. After my breakup I tried so hard to fight these feelings, the depression, the sadness, re-thinking situations where I could have done better in my had all day and all night. It's all temporary until you finally forgive yourself and move on. Instead of focusing on fighting these thoughts, focus on forgiving yourself and accept whatever happened. It will take a lot of time before it becomes truth and sticks, but keep at it. Find comfort in that WHATEVER you did was obviously enough to shake his feelings for you. Which in turn translate to he just wasn't that into you. You want to find someone who will be with you no matter what happens - that means you both love each other deeply and most importantly you FIT together. Yeah, you are right! I should try not to be so hard with myself! And most important, I have to work on forgiving myself, that is the toughest part for me, I guess...getting rid of all the "what ifs"... I know these thoughts don't help, since I know I can't change the past anymore... but it's still very hard for me sometimes... there are days, where I'm OK, other days, where I hate the fact that I hadn't behaved in a certain way and that keeps bringing me down again... Guess you are right, my ex just wasn't that into me anymore and I do want someone who sticks with me through thick and thin and who loves me enough to stay and try to work things out... I just miss him soooo much lately, miss the good times we had and I still wished, they weren't over, that he was still "mine" Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 It's not that my ex hadn't tried to find a job here, in my country, he did, in October 2009, he started applying for several job offers, but the job situation here wasn't the best for him at that time, so he wasn't successful... I know all the years, he really loved me, but for some reason he finally gave up on us... maybe the situation, the distance, was too hard for him after so many years, I don't know... but actually, since there was an end in sight, end of this year, and he knew it, his feelings for me probably just weren't strong enough anymore to take it to the next level... I just keep on asking myself, would it have worked out if I had moved to him, when his feelings were still strong for me??! ...but then I know, I just couldn't, because of my stupid studies here...so close to the end, my final years, I didn't just want to throw away everything... I put so much energy and effort in it... and I thought, he would understand me...yes, he knew about my situation with the studies right from the beginning and actually, he was a great support during the last years, but maybe it became too frustrating for him in the end, maybe he felt neglected... probably he thought, why work on something, why be unhappy about the situation, when you can have it a whole lot easier, with someone who doesn't need time for studies, who can spend all the free time with him and who could give up her life straight away and move to him??! (I guess, that is why they get married so very fast, so that she can move to him and live with him as quick as possible)... for me, well, he needed to wait 1,5 years more (counting from the break up last summer)... I can imagine though, that it must have been hard for you, to have left everything behind, without friends and family, it's never easy... but it worked for 5 years, that is a long time!!! I just wished, my ex had given me the chance to try it out, to see, if I liked it there... instead of taking the choice from me... It annoys me that so short before the end, he gave up... why not after one, after 2 years... no, after three years, when it became more and more serious with us... You know, I put so much energy in the LDR, it was so sad having to say goodbye, but my love for him, the thought of our future together, of living together, being together every day and night, always, kept me going, gave me power and strength to continue... and now...it's over and that sucks ...the fact that he just wasn't that into me anymore really hurts... I miss my ex so much lately, stupid But at least the feelings of self- blame slowly start to get better... at least something... I hope I can finally forgive myself for my "mistakes"...I'm only human, I'm not perfect and I know I have my flaws, just like everybody else does... and I hope, I'll find the one for me, who accepts me just the way I am and who loves me enough to work things out, no matter what... Probably my ex did what felt right for him... but still, I wished I had seen the signs in time in order to react in a proper way to make him feel happy again and to rescue the relationship... but therefore he would have had to talk to me, frankly, about everything that bothered him or made him unhappy... but since that didn't happen, how should I have known, what was truly going on inside of him?? Why was I so blind and why didn't he try to talk to me before it was too late?? I know, I didn't push him to leave me, but I couldn't make him stay either... Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Well, he has to live with this choice he made. After the shine of his new relationship wears off, he will have time to reflect on his choices. He'll never know what could have been. He should have simply respected your situation and supported you. To me, he has missed out on you finally receiving your qualifications and then moving onto a career and a life. All I can see is a big loss for him. I hope that this split hasn't affected your study time too much. Try to channel this situation into something great. Work harder than before. Don't let the feelings beat you! You need to understand that he quit on you for his own selfish reasons and that it wasn't your fault. He gave up, but that doesn't mean you have to stop now. Keep strong and you'll reap the benefits of this unfortunate situation. It really will work out for the best! And for sure you'll find the one - someone will come along and love you just the way you are and treat you as you deserve to be treated... ...and when that happens, you'll be wondering what you were thinking all about with this LDR thing. You'll see it's just a stepping stone to your true happiness. You must believe that because it's the truth! Stay strong. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Thanks so much for your encouraging words! You are right, it wasn't (only) my fault that he ended the relationship... being in a LDR is always difficult and only few people make it through several years, so I guess, I can consider myself "lucky" that it lasted for 3,5 years and it was a great, great time with him until the very end... unfortunately it's over, but I can't change that, he is gone, he didn't want to stay... all I can do is focuse on the present and my future... Unfortunately the first 2, 3 months after the break up were horrible for me and affected my studies...since I wasn't able to sleep well most nights, I wasn't really able to concentrate and everything just seemed so senseless without him, in the beginning I blamed it on my studies that our relationship failed and I was thinking of quitting several times- luckily I didn't, I couldn't think clearly back then, my vision was blurred by all my sadness and despair...unfortunately it took quite a while to get back on my feet again, but now I'm back on track, well at least mostly you are right, it's his loss, he could have had it all, if he had just waited for me... but he wasn't happy anymore and ended the relationship for his own reasons and it was his right to do so... I can't make anybody love me or stay with me, if they feel the need to get out of the relationship...sad but true... and since I still love him so much, I set him free, so he can find his happiness...so that he can find out in time, if his choice was indeed the right one... Maybe it's stupid of me to think like that, but I think, sometimes people need to make mistakes in order to find out what is right... that doesn't mean that I justify my ex's behaviour though.. Do you find it stupid of me to think, that we had a bad timing and maybe in several years down the line, we get our second chance?? I know, I can't hope or wait for that day and I will definetely move on and live my life... but maybe sometime in the future when all the negative feelings and emotions have subsided, we meet again??!....ach, I don't know, I think I just have this little spark of hope somewhere in the corner of my mind... Everything happens for a reason and as you say, it will work out for the best, one way or another.... Thanks ;-) Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I m sure u ll meet again.....i did.....remember ? Who knows ,maybe in other life me and him maybe together....but right now i cannot even be his friend and he wants me too,but how can you be just friend with someone u adore and love.?... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Thanks for your advice! I start writing a list with negative things about my ex...hope it helps I know he has his flaws. just like me and anybody else... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 I m sure u ll meet again.....i did.....remember ? Who knows ,maybe in other life me and him maybe together....but right now i cannot even be his friend and he wants me too,but how can you be just friend with someone u adore and love.?... I hope you are right roxana... seeing him agian someday in the future, when we are both healed, that would be nice! Who knows, what the future has planned for us!! No, I couldn't be friends with my ex either, I still love him too much for being "just" friends...and to be honest, I don't think I'll ever be interested in a friendship with him... only if all my romantic for my ex completely vanished, then it would be possible... but that won't happen in the nearer future... Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 It's great that you let him pursue his own happiness despite your feelings for him. That's the key to letting go of the past knowing that whatever life brings them you at least set them on their way. But who knows what the future brings? All you know is you let him go with some good feeling and future hopes for his happiness. It has made you sad to do this but it is without bitterness if you wish him happiness. I'm glad you did that. Now you must continue healing and being a strong confident person, working towards the foundation of your future. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 It's great that you let him pursue his own happiness despite your feelings for him. That's the key to letting go of the past knowing that whatever life brings them you at least set them on their way. But who knows what the future brings? All you know is you let him go with some good feeling and future hopes for his happiness. It has made you sad to do this but it is without bitterness if you wish him happiness. I'm glad you did that. Now you must continue healing and being a strong confident person, working towards the foundation of your future. ...it still hurts to know it's over, but I know, my ex didn't have the intention to hurt me... he needed to do what felt right for him at that time and he seems to be happy with his decision...and it's his good right, it's better that he ended things instead of having stayed with me and faking his feelings and happiness, that is not what I want! I want someone, who truly loves me and enjoys being with me, not someone, who is thinking of someone else while being with me... guess, it just wasn't meant to be, very very sad, but true... I'm starting to feel better again, luckily... and what helps me a lot is the book "Uncoupling", it really explains my ex's behaviour sooo well, and there are many things that perfectly apply on him... and it makes me realize, that it wasn't really my fault, of course, I'm not flawless, but I know now, that I wasn't able to change the course our relationship was taking...when I realized things were going wrong, it was WAY too late... there were hidden signs, I see that now, in the hindsight, but in the past, back than, I couldn't really have been able to see, how serious things were... when my ex expressed his unhappiness, he had made his choice already... at least, I realize that now...what a relief!! I concentrate on MY life and MY future now and I'm open to what the future holds for me Whatever that means, now one can predict, what is going to happen!! I'm working on moving on and letting go...I hope, the sandness and pain will fade in time...I'm tired of it Thanks!! ;-) Link to comment
Aether Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I'm glad Uncoupling made you feel better hun, I found it hard going at first but I think you're a few months a head of me so that might explain it Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 I'm glad Uncoupling made you feel better hun, I found it hard going at first but I think you're a few months a head of me so that might explain it Thanks Aether Yeah, you are right... I think this book would have been "too much" for me right after the break up, but now I'm in the stage where I can read it without breaking down and bursting to tears (guess, this would happened a few months back!)... I can't believe it, my relationship is over for nearly 6 months now... I'm glad, I'm feeling a bit better again... I hope it stay like this now... How are you doing?? Hugs** Link to comment
Aether Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 I'm doing better than I was, still feel very sad sometimes and wondering what he's doing/thinking and questioning which stage I'm at. Last night I found myself getting angry after thinking things like "I can't believe he could be such an arse when he doesn't have to look me in the face!" and "I can't believe he just cut me out of his life like that and slammed the door!", all of that stuff, I don't seem to be feeling sick anymore and I'm actually able to eat a whole meal these days too *hugs* Link to comment
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