4 months after breakup - Will the hurting ever stop?

[Pebek]

I've been in NC for 4 months. My x of 4.5 yrs hasn't called, texted or anything. Neither have I. She broke up with me in March. I've wanted to pick up that phone a thousand times. Why is it that I still think that there is some hope left? Shouldn't I let her go and move on with my life?

To clarify things for anyone interested to reply, let me tell you she is 16 years younger than me. We started dating when she was 19. Now she's got one year of uni left to complete. As far as I know she hasn't cheated on me. Any insight, preferably female would be greatly appreciated. Don't hesitate to PM me if u like.

 

Pete

[kekep]

when someone has loved you before, and things ended on a hopeful note, i truly believe that at least the possbility of friendship is there. if you miss this girl that much, give her a ring. tell her you miss her and want to know how things are going. you don't have to demand to know that status of your relationship--just try to get her to talk to you about small things. make her feel happy and relaxed, like when you initially started dating. think of it as going back to square 1

[Jake212]

ditto

[TheDoctor]

Pebek I sent you a private message check it out. But I just wanted to say were in the EXACT same boat. 4 months here of NC and neither of us attempted anything.

[TheDoctor]

pebek did you get my Private message? If not private message or post your aim well talk.

[chai714]

I agree. Give her a call! I don't see any reason to lose a girlfriend AND best friend in one. Why make life hard on yourself?

[TheDoctor]

Chai dont say that...dont recommend to break NC if you dont know the situation. What you dont realize Chai is the probability in these things is it always gets worst when you break it...it always ends with more fights.

[Pebek]

TheDoctor-I didn't get any pm from you. I sent you one a while ago.

As much as I'd like to call or txt her I don't think it'd do me any good to break NC. I know it would make me feel worse in the end because there's still this hope in my heart that she'll come back one day.

To make my story short - after 4.5 yrs with me al of a sudden she tells me she has to change her life, move out of town, maybe, and wants to spend this summer with her best friend (a girl) working abroad because she just doesn't want the kind of life I live. She said it'd choke her. She also said she wants to be with me so much. Then on the next day, when I asked her if we'd be seeing each other as usual or if she saw us together in the future she was only able to nod NO thru the tears. She never told me to my face 'it's over' or 'we have to part'. When I asked her if she wanted to leave me she said she didn't know and told me not to try to get answers from her. I'm simply devastated. We had such a great relationship and last summer was perfect. I just can't get a grip on the whole situation. I miss her like crazy.

 

Pete

[jonnyc92]

Pebek

I understand what you are goin through im the same way i havent spoke to my girlfriend of 4 yrs for over 5 weeks now.You helped me through my situation with you r advice but it is still hard for me.Some days are worse than others i want to contact her but i know it will hurt me more to do so i just wish she could contact me.All i can say to you is hang on in there i know youve heard it before but i just take each day as it comes.You need to do whats best for you and the way you feel just hang in there and try to be strong best wishes jonny

[TheDoctor]

Pebek she isnt running away from you. Shes running away from herself.

[Pebek]

jonnyc92 - thanx for your reply. I'm glad I could help the more so that I'm going thru hell myself and it's difficult for me to stray from my own problems. I haven't broken the NC rule yet but I've been so close to texting her today that you can't (or can) imagine. I never abused her nor did we have any fights or arguments. It makes it even harder for me to accept the fact that she's gone. We used to end each other's sentences. We were practically joined at the hip. Boy, does it hurt. There are times I feel I cant hold on any longer, whatever that means.

I hope you don't mind my constant talking about my situation but it's really helping me. Excuse my English if it sounds weird but I'm Polish.

If any of u wants to PM me, feel free to do so. There can't be too many replies.

Any comments on the tremendous age gap between me (40) and my x (24 this September) will be kindly received.

 

Pete

[DavidBB78]

Pebek,

 

TheDoc is right. I had a near perfect relationship until October last year when things started going down hill - she fell into depression and had a lot of living, life, work issues. It all ended in May when she said she had feelings for someone living in another country she had met once (while we were going out) and had kept in contact with him. The truth is, yes she wasn't running away from me to be with this guy, he just makes it easier cause he's another country. She has things she's got to work through on her own- she needs to focus on herself and being in a relationship has its responsibilities and probably din't think she could give you what you wanted or make it be as it used to be. Maintain the NC, don't risk opening old wounds unless you're really sure you can cope with it and are willing to be able to start from square one - obviously you have an advantage as you know her so well. I can guarantee that if there was never animosity or resentment towards each other than she is still thinking of you, tell you from past experience. She'll learn to remember the finer qualities of what you had together and may get in touch again when she's ready to do so. Love changes your life, just as much as the person you're with - that doesn't change. If you want to chat a bit more about this give me a shout. i know what you're going through and I still miss my ex like crazy now.

 

Good luck,

 

David

[Pebek]

David,

 

Thank you so much for your post. It's really helped me tremendously. It was exactly to the point - depression is the key here. When we were having THAT talk she told me the decision had been 'brewing' for a year. Obviously, I didn't see it coming. She was covering her tracks because she didn't want to lose me, that's what she said. Also, she passed out one day at work in February, if I remember correctly, and ended up in casualty. Later she told me it had nothing to do with being overworked or having low blood sugar. But why didn't she talk to me about the problems earlier? Was she that scared of losing me? That's stupid, because she knew perfectly well how much I wanted to be with her.

 

she needs to focus on herself and being in a relationship has its responsibilities and probably din't think she could give you what you wanted or make it be as it used to be.

 

Yes, she told me she couldn't give me the kind of home I am used to nor was she able to change. Then she added sth to the effect that love or passion wasn't enough. She was so confused I couldn't get any answers from her.

 

I didn't break the NC yesterday and after reading your post I feel a bit stronger today so I guess I should be able to hold on. Taking each day as it comes is a way to cope with the pain but there are times I can't breathe when the memories of last summer keep flooding me.

I really am sorry ur going thru the same kind of pain.

I sent you a PM.

 

Pete

[AngelWater]

First of all, I want to say that I truly feel for all of you and the pain you are going through. Just remember that if we stick together, we can and will heal, even if it takes a long time. *LOL*

 

I agree with what you were saying about someone sorting out their self first before they can be in a relationship. Look at it this way. For something to work out and be successful, no matter what it is, you need to have a stong foundation, whether it be a house, a relationship, anything. In a relationship, what is the foundation? TWO people, TWO individuals, TWO hearts. Now what happens, say if one person starts losing themselves....or what if that person has never fully experienced life to the fullest and hasn't found themselves in the first place? You put this into the equation of a relationship, and really, what can anyone expect but disaster. I'm not a pessimist, it just makes sense.

 

Many people feel like they have not "seen the world," or experienced everything they wanted to or felt they need to experience. If a person feeling this way is in a relationship, even if they love the person with all of their heart, and are affraid of losing this person.....even if they can't imagine their life without this person, they may still realize that they need to focus on themselves first. Because if they are not happy with their individual life, there is no possible way that no matter how great....or even how bad a relationship is for that matter, that they will be happy with you. It is not your fault. They need things for themselves, that it is impossible for you to provide. In the end they will probably find themselves....and maybe they will come back to you....maybe you will find eachother, but no one knows.

 

Here's a point to consider: Maybe our exes are not the only ones that need to find themselves. Remember, our exes should not be in control of our happiness, we should.

[Pebek]

AngelWater - thanx for your insight.

 

Many people feel like they have not "seen the world," or experienced everything they wanted to or felt they need to experience. If a person feeling this way is in a relationship, even if they love the person with all of their heart, and are affraid of losing this person.....even if they can't imagine their life without this person, they may still realize that they need to focus on themselves first.

 

I think this is very selfish and unfortunately has nothing to do with true love. If my x really loved me she'd have talked to me about her problems (and being in a relationship with me for over 4 years, those were OUR problems) and tried to sort things out. Maybe she didn't really want to leave me but rather run away from herself (as TheDoc suggested). Still, by using the scary 'I need time' excuse she did run away from me leaving me no option but to go into NC mode. As much as it hurt me then and still is, I'm not the kind of guy to harass her with phonecalls or txt messages begging her to come back to me. What kind of love was it if a break (read 'breakup') turned out to be the better wayout for her than a heartfelt conversation with your 'supposed' lover?

 

As you say she may or may not come back. I might take her back now. 4 months is such a short time to heal. The hell she's put me thru has already changed me but deep down inside there's this ray of hope that's making it super hard for me to get up in the morning, to put it bluntly.

 

Anyways, thanx for your help. There can't be too many replies, so if you feel you can add sth, I'd appreciate.

 

Pete

[jonnyc92]

Pebek

I do understand what you are goin through i ask myself these things every day.My girl pf three years needed time to think and week later i got a text message saying it is over,I havent seen or spoke to her since it is now 5 weeks ago.I wke up and the first thing i think of is her and the last thing i think of at night.But i ask myself if she really loved me she would never of put me through this pain.Its a cowards way out isnt it to do it by text its not as though there was any problems in the relasionship.We did and went everywere together.So i know what you are goin through just try to be strong and one day the pain will ease well this is what im hopeing for anyway.I myself still want to talk to her but i know if i ring or txt her and i dont get a reply it hurts me more.Any time you need to talk pm if you want stay strong

[AngelWater]

I was really upset lastnight and talked to a friend who was so tramatized by her last breakup that she hasn't been in a serious relationship again. She said something to me that I didn't even think of.

 

Let me tell you, that SHE was the one that ended it with her long time relationship. I think sometimes we are so focused on our pain and hurt and "how could they do this to US." Well she told me that as hard as is it is for me to imagine this, the Dumper usually is actually more upset than we are. She told me that she just knew it had to be ended, and sometimes you just know this. (Keep in mind I still don't understand how you can just "know.") Anyway she said imagine all the pain that I am going through right now...and then imagine the person that you still love but just "know" you can't be with them...well imagine that they are feeling just as bad and YOU caused it. She told me that as bad as we the dumpee feels, the dumper feels even worse because they have to deal with their own feelings of sadness, not to mention the feelings associated with how bad they have hurt us...the person that they still love. (Because usually they still do love us.)

 

I know what you are saying about them being selfish, I still think that too...but she told me, that is this person really being selfish. THey are doing what you can't do.... I mean we are upset because they hurt us...and just assume that they aren't hurting....well all the pain that we are going through was caused by someone else....their sadness was caused by themselves.....so yeah, they could stay in the relationship and not have us sad, and not have them sad...but if they really need to do something and feel that something is not right, they are being selfless by ending it. Maybe they are affraid of hurting us even more in the long run and would rather have them be sad too right now if it means be honnest with themselves and with us.

 

I don't know what anyone else's situation is, but mine is a little odd. My man did tell me that he needs to do is own things, but he is was very strong about saying he wants me to be a part of it...just not as his girlfriend.....his father even told me this saying that they both had talked about it and I was still part of the family and they wanted me in their lives no matter what. So it's not that he's being selfish and running away from me....because he still wants me there. He just can't give the relationship everything because of his needs right now and doesn't want to possibly hurt me more in the long run. As much as it hurts me to say it...he's actually doing something very mature.

 

My friend also said to me this. "You have to realize that it's staying in the relationship is the easy way to go....sometimes even though it is the hardest thing to do, the relationship needs to be ended and you just know it's the right thing to do."

 

So for all of you who think this was "done to you." (that's me included) Just remember that your ex probably still does love you and they are hurting too. This wasn't icing on the cake for them. Think how bad they are feeling knowing they love you but for some strange reason, they KNOW it's better this way, or at least think they do....and also knowing that they are hurting you...the person they love. We are not the only ones hurting. As much as we want to hate them and despise them, just remember this.

 

If we projet hate into this world, it will come back to us...and if we project love and understanding, that will come back to us. Whether it be with the person you are thinking of now, or someone else, what do you want coming back to you?????

[Pebek]

AngelWater - Thanx for your reply. I must say that I agree with you. It just shows one of the differences between men and women. Men tend to think rationally and usually need a reason while women often don't need one. They just feel. But I'm going to stick to my guns - if it was love she felt for me (What is love? you might ask. Let's leave it for now) she would KNOW I'm the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I still think it must not have been love, at least the way I understand and feel it.

There is one more thing that comes into my picture, if I may say so, and it's the age gap - 16 years!!! She will be 24 this September.

Any insight on that?

 

jonnyc92 - I sure sympathize with you. Forgive me if I sound a bit harsh but no words can describe a person who breaks up a relationship by txt. My x was only a little 'better' in this respect but she did it within the space of one week. To make my story short, on Monday we were just having fun as usual in my place, and on Friday that same week she dropped the bombshell. I knew sth wasn't right the moment she came into my flat. The body language wasn't there, and then thru tears she started saying that she wouldn't be able to live the way I like, or give mr the kind of home I am used to, and said that love just ain't enough and so on.

Yeah, it's tough. But we have to stick together. Today was another one of those nightmarish days with the sun burning down on me alone.

I'll pm you tomorrow when I'm in a better mental shape.

 

 

Pete