Facing my fears

[unbound]

I've been in love with a woman for the last 14 years. We met at age 14, so that makes us both 28 now. I remember the day we met and how we met on a train going to Silverton CO. I knew instantly that she was somehow very special. I prayed (which was a rare thing for me) that I would have more contact with her, and that we wouldn't just meet on the train only later to never see each other again.

 

It turns out that she was part of my school group (on a field trip), and so we did meet again, and we ended up going to high school together. During high school, I was always too insecure to talk to her, or approach her. She knew that I was interested in her though, I was unable to hide it and I was never mature enough to date her, so we went through school without ever dating.

 

Once we were in college we kept in touch a little through e-mail, but we essentially had no real contact during the entire relationship (if you can even call it that). Over the last 10 years we have gone on and done our own things but I have continued to think about her. My heart aches for her, even though in reality I barely know her.

 

She is presently dating someone else, probably living with this person, and she lives out of town. But she is coming to town sometime next week to visit her parents. I'm considering trying to get in touch with her, but I'm afraid of the emotional consequences that could arise if she rejects me. I have already made 1 suicide attempt due to my feelings of loss of her, and hospitalized twice because my doctors were concerned I might try again.

 

I've had one girl friend in my life, and that was only for 2 weeks, I feel that I have invested so much of my life into my obsession for this woman I love that I don't know who I am without her.

 

Unbound

[Rahll]

Dont try to get together with her.

 

I dont mean to sound cold, but you have some issues, and she probally doesnt. You dont want to burden her with your emotional problems, until you've worked them out for yourself.

 

She has been dating, you have not.

She has had boyfriend, you have not (had girlfriends)

She probally isnt intrested in you, as she sees it that you had your chance and didnt do anything.

She likes you as a friend, and probally not anything more.

 

You need to force yourself to start dating other people. Even if you dont feel like it. You need to force yourself to pretend to act normal, and eventually you will actually start acting that way.

 

Find someone, anyone who is near your age, close to your location, and ask them out, even if your not attracted to that person. Go out on a few dates, end it, and ask someone else out. Keep doing this until you find soemone (and you will) who you are attracted too and work on having a realtionship with them.

[lady00]

You need to ask yourself why you are obsessed with a woman you barely know. You seem to be in love with the idea of her, rather than the person. You cannot spend your life waiting for her to come to you. You really need to date others. You need to consider that your feelings for her are not the real problem...that you have other problems you need to address. You really need to find a way to get over this woman and move on with your life. Trust me, there are plenty of single, attractive women out there but you won't find them by pining over this one. You need to put yourself out there!

[unbound]

lady00 wrote:

> You need to ask yourself why you are obsessed with a woman you barely > know. You seem to be in love with the idea of her, rather than the person.

 

I agree with you. This mystifies myself as much as it must others. I generally don't find other women attractive unless they have some characteristics that closely resemble her.

 

I don't know why I am obsessed. But I can tell you that I think it is largely chemical (at least what started it). The reason is because anti-depressants and other psychiatric meds have helped to reduce my thinking of her.

 

Unbound

[Swilza]

Hey there

 

I'm also 28 and can relate to your problem as I had a similar experience. I fell in love with this girl, became friends with her, always wanted to take it further, but the guys she dated were so much better than what I was... or so I believed. It ended up where I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out and she turned me down as she was about to move to Australia...

 

I really tore myself apart and hated that I was such a looser. I only realised much later that I had problems that had to be dealt with before I could move on and have a successful relationship with any other girl.

 

As you've admitted, you think that there is a deeper reason as to why you have the problems you have. You mentioned having a low self image and a fear of rejection. I believe that with a little help you're able to change your outlook and will be able to conquer your fears.

 

Have you ever realised that if someone rejects you, it's because they're not genuine and it has nothing to do with who you are. If someone rejects you, it's because they're shallow and they don't deserve receiving anything that you're offering if you're genuine about it. Only you will have to realise this and make a stand for yourself and conquer your fears of rejection. I had to, I did and couldn't care now what people think. I am unique and so are you!

 

Death is not a solution when you find that you've failed yourself. It only robs you from experiencing the beauty of life. Again, only you can make a choice to experience life in a different manner. Experience all that it has to offer, by getting out there and doing as many things that you've never done before.

 

If I may, I'd like to recommend a book... It's a book by Anthony Robbins - 'Awaken The Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Physical and Emotional Self'. This book made me get up and take control of my emotions, depression, etc. I was tired of my emotions, depression, etc. controlling my life. It's really helped me and I've become a much more positive and secure person.

 

You just need to believe in yourself. You are so much more that what you perceive. You are capable of so much more than you can imagine... You are worth more that what you've ever thought...

 

I'd like to encourage you, be positive, take a stand and become a giant! I believe in you!!! You can do it!

 

Good Luck

[Rahll]

It's not chemical, or it's not likely. As obsession of this kind is rarly brought upon by biology. Sometimes biology can cause another form of mental illness that would cuase this, but depression isnt it.

 

The anti-depressents lower your feelings of obsession because anti-depresents are designed to lower emotional response in general. They make you less depressed, not by makeing you feel more happy, but by reducing all of your emotional reponses, the strongest of which is, at the time, depression.

 

Again, you need to force yourself to start dating, even if you dont feel like it. Either that or start really talking to a thearapist.

[parisian_pink]

In high school, I hadthis friend who moved to my town from a small town in Texas. He was a little awkward, so I decided to befriend him and introduce him to some new people. One of the people that he met was my friend Megan. She wasn't extraordinarily beautiful, or really extraordinarily anything, but he seemed to have an immediate need to get to know her. Pretty soon, she was all he could talk about, and honestly, it creeped Megan out. All through high school he followed her around. He even could have dated very pretty girls who tried to talk to him, but it was as though he was blind to all but her. He even paid some kid who worked as a Principal's aid to hyjack the microphone on the morning announcements and tell her that so-and-so sent his love to her. I am sure he fantasized that it would be just like some teen movie and she would start crying and run to his arms, but what happened was that she was mortified. He began to send her flowers at school, got ahold of her locker combination and left gifts in it, and began to tell people they were a couple. Finally, she had to get a restraining order on him.

 

After graduation, she went to a university in Iowa, and he went to school in California, but he apparently scanned the Iowa school's website for any mention of her, and when he found out she was going to be in a play, he flew out from CA for opening night to shower her with roses. For this, he found himself in jail.

 

Listen, don't turn into this guy, ok? She is MOST likely not interested in you, and as you have no past together, you are just in love with some NOTION that she is perfect, rather than really knowing anything about her. Perhaps you are just so scared of dating that you find it easier to obsess about a person you know you will not get, to avoid being hurt by others. My best advice is NOT to make contact with her. Keep up the meds to avoid suicide scares, and attend a group therapy circle about relationship issues. I hear that group therapy can be even more helpful than one-on-one with a therapist, as it is sometimes easier to see your mistakes when they are mirrored in others.