Is it cheating? What should I do?

[itcouldbe2001]

I gave my husband twenty five years of my life -- for the good times I would give him fifty more -- but the bad times stop me -- and make me question who I am. I want to be appreciated and loved. I am attractive, caring and hard working. I have been married to him for twenty three years.

 

I recently left my husband after many years of telling him, that if things didn't change, that I would leave him. We married young and had a rocky start. But I suffered from the white picket fence syndrome -- believeing that, with patience and understanding, of 'doing unto my husband as I would have him do unto me' eventually everything would be wonderful. We had our good times, but we have also had our bad, which included several years of my husband lying to me while he actively smoked pot (a bag every three days) -- his need to be high caused him to lose his job; he didn't work for four years afterward -- I raised the kids (all four) pretty much on my own, had to go to food shelves and get rent assistance. I worked two jobs at a time and did all I could to be optomistic, because as he said, he just was so young and confused and he just wanted to party (he's 2.5 years older than me). Finally, when the kids were teenagers, I told the kids their father was a drug user. That caused my husband to basically stop getting high, but turned to abusing alcolol -- going on 2-4 month binges. When he didn't drink our world was pretty good -- normal even. But the binges would happen again and without warning.

 

Several years later he lost yet another job and didn't work for nine months -- I had to physically leave him in order for him to get off the couch and get a job.

 

Our sex life had became non existant over the past four years. He began to put on weight and snore horribly loud at night -- to the point where I could no longer sleep with him.

 

I would try to seduce him, entice him, it got to the point that I would be blunt and ask him to have sex, then beg him and finally offer to pay him. He would say he had no interest in sex,l then I would get cable bills with pornography charges on them.

 

I finally had enough when he went on a four month drinking binge last winter (8+ beers an evening, every evening, without fail). He wrote un beleivable amounts of bad checks, treated me like crap, sreaming in my face in public, etc. During this time our youngest child moved out of the home and on to campus for school so we were now alone.

 

I have been lonely a long time. I warned him of this for a long time. Finally I left. I got an apartment and reconnected with an old (Im talking high school old) boyfriend. He is single. We have spent many hours together, and I know that because of this, he isnt the one for me - but he is dear to me (he's a bit freaky though). He makes me feel worthwhile, yet, though I find him sexually attractive and he says he finds me attractive, it's ironic that with two men in my life I still haven't really had a sexual relationshp with anyone.

 

I am still lonely. A few days ago I ran into an old friend that used to bowl on the same league as my husband and I . After a bottle of wine one thing led to another and we had sex. I feel horrible about it -- mainly because I liked it -- but felt I was cheating. Is it cheating? I am not living with my husband, even though my husband begs me to come home.

My husband and I have begun marriage counseling. We have been discussing what got me to the point to why I left. It sounds ugly even when he talks about it -- but he just can't understand why I would leave him. I believe I still love him. He cries (litterally) and begs me to come home, but DOESN'T understand why I left -- which tells me that nothing would change if I came home.

 

He wants me home. What should I do? And should I feel so guilty about what I did since I left?

[lonelyandblue]

Oh my goodness, we have a lot in common and in different ways, but....(sigh). Anyways, legally and morally it is cheating. However physically and common sense wise you are physically separate and look like you are going to remain that way, so it doesn't seem so. If you need to blow off some steam, please feel free to im me as I feel we could relate in a lot of ways. It sounds like you deserve some happy time now, so try to find that somehow . Good Luck.

[Spice]

Hello itcouldbe2001,

 

I think the guilt you are feeling is normal, especially after being married for so long. If you have set in your mind that the mariage is over then I feel that it is ok to move on with your life. We deserve to be happy right? Staying with your husband just because he begs and pleads will not make you happy. I think the guilt comes from the fact that he is so distrought over you leaving.

 

I left my husband of 16 years. And even after he drove off and all the paper work was signed for the devorce...getting on with my life still made me feel guilty. Hell, I still feel guilty to this day. Once I had a new man in my life and things where going good my husband changed his mind and wanted to fight for our mariage. I did not. I was happy and moving on. I still have feeling of guilt to this day even though I know I deserve to be happy.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know that you are trying to move on with your life and that your mariage is over then you have the right to date other men and be happy.

[Spice]

It really depends on what YOU want. Only you can decide if staying with your husband is the life that you want. If you walk away anything could be down the road for you. Life is such a big adventure.

 

I was not happy in my mariage. My husband was never going to change. I knew that if I walked away I could find a good life for myself and I did. I met a wonderful man. We have been together for 4 years now and plan to get married this next spring. He is the most wonderful person in the world. Even after 4 years he still adores me, tells me how beautiful I am everyday and we actually TALK! I never would have dreamed that I could met such a wonderful man that makes me so very happy.

 

If you stay in your mariage you already no what the rest of your life will be like. If you walk away it's a big mistery.

[itcouldbe2001]

I appreicate that. I am really torn. Half of me really doesn't mind being on my own, the other half of me thinks I am supposed to be with my husband. My children think I should just accept my husband as he is -- my friends, for the most part (who are married to alcoholics) think I should just accept my fate...

[itcouldbe2001]

Do you have kids? If so, how old? I thought it'd be easier for me when the kids grew up -- but it almost seems that it is harder. I have one daughter who seriously believes that if I get divorced I will have a lost soul and will never make it into heaven. She is a VERY devout Catholic and takes this seriously. I know I should not let this affect me, because I don't believe it -- however, I am not sure how to deal with her. I know nothing will change. I am just so afraid of the unknown. Sad isn't it. I have such a hard time believing that I may actaully find someone who would love me and want to be my partner in life, not that he wouldn't just someone else to take care of.

[Eurynome]

I didn't have time to read all the other replies so I'm probably repeating what somebody already said...

 

For the first time in years you seemed to have fun. It's obvious you married the wrong guy, it's sad, but true. You deserve much more than him. He ruined his life and he is dragging you and your kids with him. You carried the family on your back for as long as you can remember, and that's great because it means you can take care of yourself (I know it might seem weird, but majority of women spend their whole lives with someone they don't love/want because they think they can't manage themselves financially or emotionally without that partner). Another good thing you have going for you is that your kids have grown-up, which means it's time to think about yourself. Don't feel guilty about sleeping with another guy...you might be oficially married, but come on you have necessities, which he neglected for years. So, enjoy the rest of your life, do what you want guilt free and get to work on those divorce papers.

[Spice]

At the time of my devorce my kids where 13 and 11. My daughter is now 18 and my son 15...soon to be 16. I can't believe how fast time is passing.

 

Anyway, my kids came through it ok. They are both happy and wonderful kids. My daughter is a little angry with her dad because he hardly calls and when he does he make false promises. But then that is a whole other topic.

 

I have been able to provide for my kids better then when I was married because I am fully in control of all the money now. They have everything they need. I was even able to get my daughter a car and have the savings put away for my son as well. We live a good and happy life.

 

I don't know what to say about your daughter. That is a really tough one. I do know that the decission has to be yours and your alone. You can't live your life they way your kids want you too. No more then you can tell them how to live their lives. Maybe sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart. Let her know that you have to do what makes you happy and content with your life. Let her know that this is not easy for you and that what ever decission you come to it wont be an easy one either way. Let her know that what she thinks and how she feels about it is important to you but the decission must be yours.

[itcouldbe2001]

On Friday my husband cried, SOBBED, that he wanted me back, couldn't live with out me. Then last night he went out to an employee's house and got trashed. Another employee called me this morning and told me about it. When I confronted my husband he told me to quit nagging him. I hung up on him. Then I called him back and said it was so hard for me to always play second to his addiction. He hung up on me.

 

I was raised by an alcoholic. I am married to one. I wish I could be as desired by them as they desire(d) alchohol.

[OceanEyes]

I have one daughter who seriously believes that if I get divorced I will have a lost soul and will never make it into heaven. She is a VERY devout Catholic and takes this seriously.

And,

 

My children think I should just accept my husband as he is -- my friends, for the most part (who are married to alcoholics) think I should just accept my fate...

 

Both comments you made here deserve some attention. Firstly, I don't want to knock Catholicism or any other 'brand' of religion. I will say that I am an Agnostic, so these rules don't apply to me. I think it's fair to address different religious beliefs, since that has some bearing on advice and opinions you'll get here.

 

But for the heck of it, just, for the heck of it, ask your daughter if she would rather see you living your life happy, loved and respected, or if she would rather see you waste away in a marriage that has been making you miserable and lonely for years. Also, ask her how she knows that "your soul will be lost"? Does God talk to her and 'show her the way'? Also, another thing to add, is that if you're not a 'devout Catholic', why would you have to apply those religious laws to your own actions? I understand that she's your daughter and you love her, but seriously, don't accept someone elses' ideologies if you don't really understand them. It's your human right to make your own choices and follow your own heart. Why else would human beings be born with free will?

 

I guess I just see so many people pressured by their families, the church and other 'higher powers', and "friends" who will basically tell you that in order to "go to heaven", you have to suffer and live in pain. What kind of love and kindness is that?

 

About the second comment - if you find happiness somewhere else, at least feel it out and see where it takes you. You remind me so much of my own mother before she divorced her first husband that it scares me, which is why I sympathize for you. She too lived in a marriage with an abusive alcoholic (and Roman-Catholic) man who was unfaithful and would take off and leave her with three kids for weeks at a time. One day she got fed up and left, but of course, was pressured by his family that it was "wrong" in the eyes of the Catholic church to "abandon your husband". They knew he was beating her and my brother and sisters and had regular affairs, but still insisted that she stay and 'work it out'. That makes NO SENSE.

 

Anyhow, I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you might be feeling, and to listen only to yourself and your own needs for once. Live in the moment, love yourself and try to enjoy the rest of your life. If your husband can shape up and get some professional help, that's great, but if not, don't feel that there is any shame in throwing in the towel. You deserve to be happy!

[sunnyp]

Religion is a hard thing to get through. Sin is the same. Is leaving your husband/wife a sin? Yes. For the exception of adultery, incest, physical abuse, and or financial neglect. The bible has very strict standards for how a husband is to treat his wife and children. You will find these scriptures in Corinthians and in the old testaments.

You should not feel like God will dam you to hell. God is our father. He is our parent. He created us. It is sort of like you had your children. Now in all my days of being a mom no matter how my child acted I could not dam them to an eternal hell. I know God doesn't do that to his.

I graduated from a catholic high school. I know the teachings. But the God I know would not ever send his child to hell unless that child wants to be there.

Never let your children have any control of your life. Be the 2 years old or 20. Your still the parent they are the child.

Loosening face with your child is not often a permant thing. Make your own decisions and be happy. Your child is living her life. Now it's time for you to live yours.

Sunny