In need of identity

[mrmisterious]

I don't know what it is but I have a sort of mysterious nature about me and i feel like people just don't "get" me. I'm 22 now and this has been an issue since i went through some really difficult times in high school- sister seriously depressed and self-mutilating, discovered mother has borderline personality, and parents divorced. It's a really long story but basically my mother took her problems out on my sister and dad by trying to get my sister committed and using a corrupt family friend lawyer to screw my dad in divorce court.

 

My dad did everything he could to help my sister (he stopped his work- he's a doctor) and lost every hard-earned penny to his name . I've lived with my dad for the last 5 years in several different situations and my dad has still not returned to work (he was paid disability for years and counted on his health reference website to hit it big) though he should be back soon. I feel like I've put my life on hold in a sense and I don't know how to even have a relationship with my mom and sister.

 

I'm now a senior in college and feel like a nobody. Friends have occasionally referred to me as "the (my name)" and its really starting to get to me. I don't have a particularly striking physical appearance (i'm about 5'10" 165lbs) with a small build so i kind of have to speak up to get attention. I may be quiet sometimes but i don't necessarily consider myself shy. I am very unpredictable- quiet sometimes while outgoing other times and this really depends on my mood. If there's one thing that speaks for me it's my guitar playing- i've played since I was 5 and got really good . People certainly have a new respect for me once they've seen me play, but i haven't performed formally in front of a lot of people.

 

I just can't go my whole adult life with people not understanding me. I thought by now things would be back to normal but not quite. Also, my grades aren't what they should be in school and I don't want that to hold me back from the kind of career I would've been able to pursue. I can't seem to forget my past and move on. I don't know who I am anymore. Please help.

[Cheetarah]

You went through a lot at a core time in your life. When the family is going through a crisis like that, the children not involved usually tend to try to just blend in, instead of getting involved in the drama/dysfunction - For fear of backlash, or whatever. It carries on into adulthood. By the time you DO want to break out, you're not entirely sure how, and maybe old fears hold us back. Normal.

 

What makes you feel as though people don't understand you? What exactly is nagging your mind and making you feel stuck?

[gymratski]

"Fake it until you make it."

This is what I think you should tell yourself every morning and every night.

 

If you want an identity, I suggest you just pick one and play the part.

I'm not saying be fake, but you have to start somewhere to be who you want, right?

 

You are obviously sensitive about your size.

Hit the gym.

Instead of being the guy with a small build you can be a juice monkey.

 

You want good grades?

Hit up Starbuck's (looking good, of course) and study.

 

You want people to "get you"?

Be easy to understand.

 

I'm just saying play the part,

It's what I do and it works.

[YakasJourney]

^^^ This is really good advice. Take action, and start living for you. Do what makes you happy. If you are concerned about your physique, then take up a sport or lift weights. If you are concerned about being understood, then work on your communication skills. Or don't. It's up to you to do things that make you happy. No one really cares about your height and weight, or that you are shy sometimes and outgoing other times. They care about the things that make you human which are, your viewpoints, ideas, art, music, attitude, how you treat others, etc..