Can someone tell me where my ex is?

[bumshkin]

It has been 5 months since my ex-man left me. We were on and off for 1.5 years and he broke up with me 3 times. This is the fourth. I talk to my friends about it constantly and they all tell me that he isn't worth it, but I love him so much. Everytime I look at a picture of him or think about him all I seem to feel inside is that he is the one I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. The reasons he broke up with me in the past was because he said wasn't happy anymore. So I let him be, and tried to move on. I have tried the no contact rule for our previous break-ups and I even started to date again. The first two times he came back so fast, but we couldn't make the relationship last because we jumped into it too fast. The third time, he came back to me and I tried to play hard to get and told him that I was seeing someone else, and he said he didn't mind the competition because he loved me and love would win in the end. But the person I was seeing at the time was someone he knew and was a friend of his family. When he found out about it he was so angry and said that he couldn't trust me and he would never be able to forgive me for what I did and he never wanted to see me ever again.

 

In the first 2 months after he left me, we still got together and slept together. But I didn't want us to just be "sex-buddies" so I told him that I didn't want to sleep with him anymore. Of course he was upset, but he said he understood and he thought it was better off that we kept our distance. Since then I have written him several e-mails professing my love to him and he replies saying things like "that was very touching" or "you have me thinking about the future" and "who knows what the future holds". But I dont understand what he means by that.

 

Two weeks ago I went over to his house to get something that belonged to me and we talked, well more like he was telling me how much it hurt him that I was involved with a friend of his family and that he would still never forgive me or trust me again and he just doesn't care anymore what I do. I bit my tongue and tried not to cry, but I told him I loved him and turned around and went to my car. An hour later I got an e-mail from him saying he was sorry for being so hard on me and he just wanted to get his point accross about what I did and that he called out my name to come back for a hug but I was already in my car at that point and didn't even notice. So I e-mailed him back and said that maybe we should get together and talk again. He replied asking "what for?". So I replied back saying that I needed some closure, and to explain why I did some of the things I did that hurt him, but I also wanted to tell him how much I still love him and that I would do anything for him. He replied again saying that there is nothing I can do, and he isn't going to change his mind and there is no explanation that can justify my actions.

 

He went from being apologetic one day to being angry and upset the next.

 

I know he still cares and he is still mad at me for lying to him. I love him so much and want so much for him to see that. I just sent him a dozen roses with a message saying "If love has taught me anything it is that the greatest pain is in knowing you have hurt the one you love. I know my mistakes can never be undone, but I will always love you."

 

Someone please tell me what I should do now. I am so worried that I have gone overboard and have lost him completely. I sent him way too many e-mails telling him how much I love him and I think I have pushed him away forever. He came back to me the other 3 times, so there is a chance he will come back, but I don't know what to do to make it happen. I dont know how to go about it this time.

 

Please help me.

-bumshkin

[lady00]

deleted.