We love each other. She has BF of 3 years...

[Protex]

Okay guys, here is the story. It might be a bit long so let me thank all of you in advance for reading and thank you also for any help.

 

This started about 1 1/2 months ago. This girl, who I will call "L" was my best friend for about a year. She is in a 3 year long relationship with someone we will call "D".

 

Well, at school 1 1/2 months ago. We had a field trip to an amusement park. So upon arrival I asked if I could join her group, she said yes. Her group consisted of a few of my friends and "D" who is/was also one of my friends. Anyway, "D" sort of casted her away that day, didn't really want to bother with her sort of. So she came to me, I loved it because I have had a crush on this girl for a few months.

 

So, anyway. She came to me, hugging, holding, piggyback rides.. etc etc... It was definitely the best day I've ever had. Well, on the bus ride home, we grabbed a seat together and she rested on my shoulder for awhile, then I rested in her lap for the rest of the ride.

 

When I got home, we started talking on MSN... Things came to other things and we basically told each other how we felt for one another.

 

The next week at school consisted of me, getting her out of class, taking her out for lunch. And just trying to spend as much time as I could with her.

 

After that, we started talking on the phone everynight. For at least 3-4 hours a night? During this first week, we talked about how we felt. Then the inevitable came up. The fact that she has a boyfriend.

 

We spent many a night talking about this, and many a night crying together over this. She loves him a lot.

 

After about a week of talking on the phone, we said to each other "I love you". She said it first to me, I quickly returned it. I know what you're thinking, a little premature? But believe me when I say I do love her.

 

So sadly, we reached the agreement to always have each other, and to always love each other. But agreed to the realization that we'll never have each other the way we want. A rule was also established, one that said bascially that we cannot tell each other how we feel about each other.

 

This lasted for a while, until last night. She had a fight with "D" because he doesn't ever want to tell him where he's going etc. Stuff like that, but basically he didn't see her for their 3 year anniversary which was 2 days ago.

 

She was really upset this, and spent basically the whole day on the phone with me. (Not unusual) And we were talking and we just blurted out how much we missed each other, how much we still care for each other.

 

But near the end of the conversation last night, she said that the rule will have to back into play otherwise we're both going to hurt.

 

Guys, I've never felt this way about a girl. I don't intend to just give up, I can't just let go of this feeling I've never felt before. Any suggestions what I should do?

[Meow18]

So she loves you, but not enough to give her boyfriend up for you?

 

You need to try to move on. Maybe you love her, but she's not good news. How fair is it to you that she keeps telling you how much she loves you, but then later says you need to pretend not to have feelings for each other because she has a boyfriend?

 

And how fair is it to her boyfriend that you two have this going on behind this back? How would you feel if you were in the boyfriend's shoes? How horrible do you think he would feel if he found out his girlfriend isn't loyal to him?

 

This isn't right. Maybe she really loves you, but if she loved you enough, she wouldn't still be with her boyfriend. Basically she's telling you "I love you, but I would rather be with my boyfriend than you". Who knows why, it seems like they don't have a strong relationship if she's lying & doing all this behind his back.

 

Why are you letting her treat you this way? I know you like her a lot, but don't you see what she's doing? Maybe she's not intentionally hurting you, but thats whats happening. You need to find out where you stand with her. Don't you want to be more than what you are with her? Don't let her play you like this.

 

She's basically using you for a back up boyfriend. It seems like whenever things aren't going right between her & her boyfriend, she then comes running to you.

[Protex]

I understand what you're saying, I just don't want to believe it.

 

My hope is just that things will change? I really don't know, I don't want to just go away. Even if it is for the better of me, I've tried and it hurt too much. I'm not sure which hurts more, but I'm really holding on to a hope that things will change.

[Beec]

Well, right now she has the best of both worlds. She has him and what he is willing to give her and she has you and what you give her. Why should she pick?

 

I'd move on but I'd also try to leave the door open, iwht a message that you are th guy she should be picking, because you are much better for her.

[Protex]

But I can't stand the thought of losing her as a friend. But if I keep her of a friend, I'll always be holding on to this hope.

 

I know what you're saying I just don't think I could bring myself to do it.

[Beec]

You don't have to cut off all contact with her. But you need to cut some.

 

And there's no reason to give up hope.

 

The simple facts is that threatening her supply of what you give her may be something that motivates her to pick you over him.

 

Simple theory of why we fall for those we fall for:

 

We fall for those who give us what we need or want emotionally, we become dependent on them; and

We run from the needy and clingy, we only go for the independent and aloof, although over time it is ok to let them know you need them too, once you know they need you;

We want what we cannot have, we want to keep our emotional fulfillment and will act to keep that supply of the first thing I mention.

 

This is a big balancing act. But right now, the scales are not in your favor. If you don't change something, they never will be.

[Protex]

So what type of contact do you suggest I cease?

 

I'm really skeptical about this because what if it works the complete opposite. What if I slowly leave her mind and then that's that.

 

And it's going to be hard for me to do something like go from 4 hour a night conversations to none, especially when we promised each other to always be there.

[Beec]

Well less duration, less anything like what she would get from a bf, less being at her beck and call, not being there when and if her bf suddenly is not, etc.

 

You also run anohter risk by being there all the time as just a friend. She may begin to consider you as something less than a guy who wants her. In a sense you end up being castrated in her mind.

 

Take a look at link removed. It's a site for players, and I hope you don't beocme one. But it may help you learn a little about what you can do.

[Protex]

It might take me a bit of time to bring myself to do that.

 

I'll work on it slowly I suppose. Thank you for your help. I really hope everything works out. Thank you again.

[Beec]

You are welcome.

 

The skills of a player can be used by anyone. The problem with a player is not what or how they get others to go for them, it's why and what they do after they get them.

[Meow18]

Exactly, she has no reason to pick. She has her boyfriend, but then she also has you just in case things aren't working out at the moment for her & her boyfriend.

 

I really think it would be best for you to stop telling her how you feel & not allow her to tell you how she feels. You both already know how each other feels. You should tell her "I know you love me, but you have a boyfriend, so we really shouldn't be saying this to each other". She will then get the hint that you don't like playing these games. After all, you do agree in the first place not to tell each other how you feel anyway.

 

Are you ok with where you two are now? Your at the "just friends who have feelings for each other" point. Don't you want to be more? Are you just going to settle for what you are now? You need to set limits. She's not being respectful to her boyfriend or you, if she wants to stay with her boyfriend, then she needs to stop leading you on & stick to only him.

 

Its like you are telling her that what she's doing is ok. If you both really love each other like you say you do, are you just going to sit back & watch each other live life the way it is, or are you going to do something about your feelings?

 

If you set limits & really enforce them, like tell her that its not fair to you or her boyfriend, then she will see that you won't allow for this to happen. She will then see what she's losing & miss telling you those things & realize that she wants to be with you & your a better guy. Thats the only way you really have a chance to be with her, cause obviously doing what your doing has gotten you no where with her. All you have accomplished right now is that you have feelings for each other.

[emmykins]

Have you ever actually asked her to leave her boyfriend for you?

[Protex]

I haven't said it in those words. But I've implied it several times.

[boredguy]

have some hope man! its bloody hard, but it does seem as though somethings up with 'd' yet even if it isnt. its always hard to feel so much for someone and not be able to do anything at all. its like being kept away from heaven by a plate of thick glass. yet you are lucky, the lady seems to feel a lot for you. you simply need to talk about "D" with her. you guys talk so much, just pop in the topic. u gotta shatter the glass n enter heaven man! do it ! talk to her. pm me if u need t talk