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[rich46]

Hi,

 

I met my Japanese girlfriend online last year, and we spent forever chatting on MSN. I was living in South Korea at the time, so we eventually agreed to meet and we hit it off immediately in person as of March this year.

 

Roll on to August and I found a job in Japan and moved here, something I wanted to do regardless of the girlfriend situation. However, my 7 month contract involved working an hour flight away from her, so we were still long distance, but the plan was that after the contract I would seek a job closer to her...at least we were now in the same country.

 

I last saw her a couple of weeks ago and we had a great weekend together. But suddenly last week, her father broke his collarbone, so she had to postpone our next trip at the start of December. She is an only child and is basically a servant for her parents, which may or may not be a cultural thing. Previous to this, she had postponed a trip because of a work commitment, which was the first sign of trouble in my eyes, although she was in tears for days over it.

 

Anyway, since her father broke his collarbone, she has been distant and is having real doubts about me moving closer to her. This annoys me because I have already started my job search, and we have clashed this week, with her maintaining that she just needs space, time to think, worried about the future, etc etc.

 

I found it very difficult, as I am in limbo as I don't know what jobs to apply for, and we had an awkward MSN conversation last night where it seemed we were friends as opposed to boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

Today I decided to cut the contact completely for the time being, otherwise I would be clingy/needy and it would push her away even more. I wanted to tell her on the phone but I ended up sending a lengthy email telling her how I feel and that I am happy to give her space, and she knows how to contact me when her mind is clearer. She texted just now saying "Rich I know I am contacting you, but just wanted to say take care of yourself too xxx"

 

So do you think I have done the right thing? It hurts so much right now but I think the NC is right for both of us: me so I can prepare myself for the worst (inevitable?) and her so she can sort her mind out once and for all.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

Rich

[sweetmisery14]

Nihongo shaberu?

Anyways...it probably is best to have no contact. There's nothing you can do until she figures out what she wants. I know it's so hard...but I guess you have to realize eventually you can't have a one-sided relationship, so if/when she contacts you again will be the deciding factor to if there is a future or not. I hate reaffirming these sort of things because I'm going through a somewhat similar sort of no contact thing. It really sucks but honestly, what can you do, you know?

[mattj]

Could be her parents don't approve? Was a big problem for me and my girlfriend until I actually met them...

 

Would explain why she's unsure about you moving nearby at any rate

[rich46]

Thanks for your replies, much appreciated.

 

sweetmisery14 - Yeah I do feel helpless to be honest, waiting for the verdict! I know I did the right thing but it is hurting right now. I can't believe how fast all this has happened. Two weeks ago we were having a great time together, now we aren't even in contact. I'm determined to stay busy though, and went to Tokyo for the weekend which helped a little, although she was always in my mind.

 

mattj - Hmmm I do sense there is a reason why she doesn't want me living too closely, but not sure what. I don't think it is the parents though, as her Mum often calls her when we are together and I can hear her Mum asking how I am, and telling her to be nice to me!

 

In previous relationships I have understood what has happened when things have gone wrong. With this, I am baffled. She was telling me how when I live closer, it will be so much better, and we can watch DVDs and stuff whenever we want...this was just a couple of weeks ago. She is always saying how moody she is and I haven't really seen that side of her...until this past week.

 

Sigh...

[rich46]

Update...no contact from her yet, which is good in a way as I actually want her to seriously get her head sorted out. 5days NC. However, I am finding myself moving on and I have been enjoying seeing friends and making plans with them for Christmas. It does feel like we have broken up, and I think NC was a smart move as it is preparing me for the break up should it happen for definite anytime soon.

 

It is intriguing thinking about when she will initiate contact again though, but I don't have any urges to contact her anymore....

[Minx2012]

I lived in Japan for 4 years...and just got back this August in this blasted N. American continent. You must know...Japanese women ARE really into their families. Ever occurred to you that she might be purposely pulling back bc she is scared about having to confront her parents that she is dating a " gaijin "...c'mon, you know how tough the Japanese people are ( esp. parents ) when they find out that their daughters are dating a " gaijin ".

[Minx2012]

P.S. There are HEAPS of hot Japanese girls out there...and you will have NO problem getting a new one within a month...you must know this already.

[rich46]

I lived in Japan for 4 years...and just got back this August in this blasted N. American continent. You must know...Japanese women ARE really into their families. Ever occurred to you that she might be purposely pulling back bc she is scared about having to confront her parents that she is dating a " gaijin "...c'mon, you know how tough the Japanese people are ( esp. parents ) when they find out that their daughters are dating a " gaijin ".

Thanks for your reply.

 

Yeah I am not worried about finding someone else, but still, I am past the stage of playing the field. It is looking like I don't have much choice...

 

I really don't think her family is the issue here. She lived in Australia for a year, studied in the UK for a few months, etc and her Mum sounds fine about it. Her Dad does sound strict so maybe that could be something to do with it.

 

Anyway I am doing well and moving on, even though we aren't officially over. If I've not heard from her by Christmas then i will start dating again, but I am not going to initiate the next contact whatever happens. She knows my number...

[Minx2012]

Hah...you sure you're not dating my friend Yuriko? All her details sound really familiar.

[rich46]

Hah...you sure you're not dating my friend Yuriko? All her details sound really familiar.

Nah...unless that is her alter-ego!