I pray to tough it out till the end

[flower888]

hi, i am new, i just broke up with my ex for 4 years. i thought i will start a thread to release some of my emotions so that i don't burden my best friend so much.

 

my ex did not provide me with emotional support that i deserve. to keep the relationship, i kept telling myself to take care of my own emotional needs. i do not have depression but i have some mood swings during pms. i am easy to be with, just give me more concern during my pms and i will be good. i discussed with him, asked him to be nicer please. but no, he won't even text me or call me. he just wait for me to recover by myself.

 

i always psycho myself is my own problem, but i read stories here about how the boyfriends support their really depressed girlfriends. i feel very sad, i feel i had been deceiving myself, he was just not caring enough. this is not love even though he kept saying he loves me. i think he just enjoy the intimacy that's all.

 

during good times we were wonderful together. i trained myself to support myself during bad times, when i got myself all happy and bubbly, of course he happily enjoyed the fruits. after 4 years, i finally feel that enough is enough. my pms is not a flaw in me, my pms is part of me too, we could had deal with this together if he really loved me, i finally realise he did not love me truly. he is not able to be warm to me when i need it. he was only nice and sweet when i am at my top form, because he would be happy with the intimacy. he did propose before, but my guts told me i didn't trust him enough to do that.

 

today i finally had the courage to end it all. sad, but i hope it would just get better and better. i pray that i will recover soon.

[flower888]

woke up sad this morning, last nite i actually felt strong and calm after reading bible. i also wrote down a list of why i wanted to end this. so i re-read it this morning. i read somewhere saturating your mind with all the negative points will help to get over the person easier. this is so tough, when we were together, he is my main source of unhappiness. now we are no longer together, i don't know where is my source of joy.

 

there is no regret on this decision, because the pattern kept repeating, we both couldn't change, i just have to accept that it is not working. i feel so sorry for us that it didn't work, we had so much chemistry, but our temperments just clash so much. we tried giving in to each other, but we had as much as pain as joy. i cannot take it anymore. i had a few boyfriends before him, i never suffered so much, but i never loved so deeply too. such a pity, such a pity.... this is my fate, i accept it, how could i fight against fate? i could only conclude he doesn't love me. this is the best conclusion for myself.

 

the best part is i don't harbour any hope he will make effort to patch up. he is too arrogant. i had already accepted this after so many rounds of lessons. i had long ago cried my heart out about this. in his eyes i know he thinks i am the prize. i also know he cannot win himself to keep this prize. i am so disappointed that i am numb already regarding disappointment.