Broke up with my bf yesterday....

[nsaa0426]

My boyfriend of one year decided to take a break from the relationship. His words were that the relationship had gotten too serious, and we are both still too young and should enjoy our college years, meeting others and having fun. The relationship was going so well, but there were issues. I suffer from anxiety, and it got worst when we became sexually active, since I would freak out whenever we did it and think this time around i would end up pregnant. Even when he tells me its so that we can branch out and enjoy our early adult years, I know he got fed up with dealing with my anxiety. He wants to still be in my life, because I wasnt just a girlfriend...I am his best friend, and he wants that, yet how am I to trust him with everything again, when deep down i feel it was what got us in this mess in the first place? How to trust him when he has broken my heart, even if he is suffering too? I'm not really sad about the actual fact we are no longer together as a couple. I am sad because I cant have my best friend to comfort me, because he is the one that is causing the pain in the first place. I cant have my connection because everyone keeps telling me that we need to be separate for a while while we both heal. How can I do that when I need my best friend to cheer me up and tell me its ok? I miss his company terribly. I still love him deeply, and I know that no matter how much time passes, if I see him with someone else it will hurt like hell. Everyone tells me that the distance will help, but its only hurting more. I cant stop crying, and life has turned into hell. I have no desire to do anything anymore, and yet I still keep going...its like Ive dressed myself with a robotic suit that moves my body and keeps me up and running, yet I have no control over it. I keep going I dont know how...maybe because its the only thing I have left. He cares and I know that, but Im just in pain because I fear down the road I will lose everything, even his friendship.

[MinziGirl]

I agree with your friends who tells you that distance apart would heal the healing process. You need to start thinking that during this time of healing, he is no longer in your life - not even as a friend. After you have healed c o m p l e t e l y , it might be then ok to start to contact him again.

 

I would think about it this way. If a guy doesn't want just basing on a bad sex life, i don't think he loves you as a whole person then. Sex is just like practicing any sport. It takes time to become good at it. If his patience ran out on you because you cannot perform as well as he wants, then it is high time to enjoy the blessings of being single again & eventually finding someone else who is able to love you as a whole person and not just because you can perform well in bed.

[Broken Inside]

I can feel your pain. My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday and I've been a wreck. we have been together for over a year now and he is my soul mate, my best friend, the missing piece to my life, the most important thing to me. I can't stop crying and I hate myself for what has happened. Being sad isn't bad, it means your human. Im praying that he finds his way back to me because I too would be crushed beyond belief to see anyone else hold his hand and feel the happiness he has to offer. I have no one to comfort me because he is always the one to pick me up when im down. no one understands the feeling of always wanting to throw up but just can't, not being able to close your eyes without seeing old memories drift into your sight, listening to any song that has any relation to love.... food makes you sick, talking makes you anxious.... i know how you feel. I really do. If you guys broke up on those terms, i know in the future you can be friends again. for me, i don't think he will ever speak to me again and i ruined my life, but you have hope and reason to hold on.

[nsaa0426]

The sex life wasnt the problem. My problem is that my anxiety kept relapsing, even when he would comfort me. I guess he would ask me to trust him, but I couldnt, because the fear was too great, and because I was lying to my family, saying that I was using double protection when instead I was only relying on the pill. It was like doing what my family said, because they knew and I didnt want to disappoint them again vs. trusting my boyfriend knew what he was talking about. It was me between a sword and the wall, and the anxiety was really sprung out of guilt. I wanted my boyfriend to see I trusted him, but I couldnt fail my family again. I had a pregnancy scare at the end of high school and that marked me, since my family was super dissapointed...

 

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He says that the main reason is that our relationship was getting too serious, and that he wants to be single for a while, grow up now in college and see what happens. I will quote "You are my best friend...you've always been that...I dont want to lose what that is...and maybe in five years or so, we both get someone who is meant for us, or we come back together..." The problem is now Im torn. Torn believing what he says, and torn not to believe...I want to believe him so badly, but how can I? How can I have my best friend, when he is the one causing the pain. Sure distance will help, but that means I lose the one person I trust in the world. Its not a sad thing to lose a boyfriend, but losing your best friend....the person that knows you better than you know yourself? Its hell. He was supposed to visit wednesday night, but then cancelled because he left with his dad on a trip. I havent talked to him since then, and I am thinking we wont talk again. He still wants to visit me on campus mondays like he usually does even if we arent in a relationship anymore, but I dont believe that will happen. My heart is to torn apart to even hope. Too hurt to believe him. Too angry to think that he will come. Its not gonna happen I tell myself, because if I tell myself the opposite, and it doesnt happen, I wont survive that. Everyone tells me how strong I am, how I need to have fun...how the hell am I supposed to have fun when every day, from my waking moment to when I go back to bed crying, the knife in my heart keeps twisting and twisting. How to smile or laugh again, when everything reminds you of him, when your life was so much part of his that now you are left with this big empty hole. How? Sleep is now my only comfort. Its the only time when I dont think about him, when my heart doesnt hurt, when I dont feel pain anymore. Sleep has been the only consolation I get, because no matter what anyone says, no words or actions can cure this pain. Its in deep, and it will take me very long....maybe forever to heal. I know that from that day on Im not going to be the same. I can already feel myself getting colder, meaner....the cold suppresses the pain. IF I see him monday, I know I will be torn. I couldnt look at him, but my heart would want to race to him and hug him, or punch him ferociously...I dont know what to expect anymore....and I think the last of my innocence is gone. The world is a mean place, where even those who love you will hurt you. I cant hope anymore, and I dont have faith...not anymore.

[nsaa0426]

Well we talked today. He will visit me and then he wants a one month nc thing. As mug as I hate it I do need it. Annoyingly he is right. I became his shadow instead of a partner and I need to relearn how to be independent once more. I lost my independent self when I started dating, and I can't return to him or have anyone else unless I change that. After the month we will talk and see what happens. Wish me luck.