we're over. but he is clingy!!

[SAMRA2]

hi. a month ago, i broke up with my 5-month boyfriend who ADORES me.i just stopped feeling right with him, but i do appreciate his feelings for me and his personality as a whole. he is a great person to be a friend. and i told him when we broke up that i would like it if we stayed in touch. he didnt mind. the thing is , ever since, he says he accepts the situation , but all i see is him trying to cling more on to me. he still calls me everyday more than 3 times,& asks me out everynight . but he CLAIMS he is doing that just as a friend. that he doesnt want to cut off everything between us. he says i was the best thing he ever had, and that no matter what happened, he still wants to keep some kind of connection or friendship with me. i feel complimented by this, but i dont think this is a good way for him to get over me. he says its the BEST way for him, and he is so convinved by it. my only fear is that if i meet someone new, how will he take it? he is so used to being with me often!it will be hard on him. i always tell him that maybe we should stop seeing each other a while, so that he'd get used to the idea. he just refuses and says that'll be just torture for him. i know he is so honest in how he feels about me, but i am confused now about what the best way is for him to get over me now? he refuses to be" no contact" and he insists that if he continues seeing me he'll gradually fade away his feelings because we'll be treating each other as friends only. CAN THAT BE TRUE? i am afraid he wont be able to, and that eventually he'll get hurt when i get involved with someone else. PLZ TELL ME HOW SHOULD I HANDLE HIM? i cant tell him to stop seeing me, he " literally" goes crazy. ANY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES? ADVICE? thanks a lot guys...

[charmed]

Hey Samra2,

 

He is right in saying if he has no contact - it will be torture.

 

Unfortunately, I think he is just postponing the inevitable. With a guy like him, he is clinging onto straws and seems to be trying to keep you off the market by trying to be with you every second he possibly can. I don't believe that he could be friends with you and put up with you going out with someone else.

 

I don't know how exactly you can do it, but you need to get him away from you for both your good and for his own good too. Can you imagine what he will be like if you got with someone else? Not a pretty picture. Your big worry should be that he may get obsessive about you - and keeping him in the picture could cause you some problems down the line concerning other relationships.

 

Again, you need to get him away from you so he can deal with the relationship being over. Once he has dealt with it, then perhaps you can both be friends. A guy like this however, needs to get away and cry and go through the torture of the break up before he will really understand his feelings. Right now, it appears to me that he is simply prolonging that stage of the breakup by trying to convince you that he is fine.

 

You will have to take some initiative here to handle this - but no matter what, it will probably get messy - so expect messy, and be prepared to be the responsible one that sees it through. You may have to be cruel to be kind here, but that's unfortunately the only way it can be done. I should know, it was done to me!! However, I see why now, and of course, thats how I understand where this guy is coming from.

 

Hope this helps you some,

[SAMRA2]

thnx charmed. i think u got great reasoning here, and it applies. and indeed i ahve been trying over the last month to keep myself away from him, to decline he invitations and stuff. but he doesnt understand it. he says i ma being mean and that he doesn deserve that treatment after all the good he's been doing. he has never done me wrong, and he sees it quite unimaginable thati ask him to just go and solve it all by himself, he thinks it being selfish on my side..that am inconsiderate. and he says that if i start seeing someone else, he'll probably not be my friend anymore coz he cant. so that solves it for him. you think its inevitable for him to think am selfish if i do this? he's not ready to understand , or let go. and he says I should give him time to get over it. but i dont think his way will get him over anything, or CAN IT with time? am so desperate. everytime i call it off, say its stop, he sobs and almost begs me not to do that,not to be mean,to let him at least have connection with me. and my heart softens. what can i do? plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[lady00]

deleted

[charmed]

Hi Samra2,

 

As I said, it's not going to be easy !!!!

 

He is not thinking with his head - he's thinking with his heart. He says this is not the case, because if he does admit, then he has to admit he needs to get space, and that is the one thing his heart is fighting against happening.

 

He said if you start seeing someone else, he'll probably not be your friend anymore.

Would any of your other friends say that to you? Probably not. So why does he say it? Because he couldn't stand seeing you with someone else because he wants to be with you still, and probably thinks staying in the picture will increase his chances. Once you get with someone else, he would then throw in his hand and admit defeat.

 

There are 2 ways this will play out. Well, 3 actually. The extra one is that you get back with him, but I get the impression that you don't want that, so lets leave it at 2 !

 

1) He hangs around until you get with someone else, and then gets really upset and vanishes. Of course, he might not vanish instantly, and you would have to deal with his jealousy and pain at that point - possibly in an aggressive forceful and bitter way.

 

2) You Quote him on the "Won't be friends if you get with someone else", and use it as a basis of a discussion whereby you say that you simply can't have that looming over you and it's not fair on you. However, an irrational statement by him at that point saying" O I didn't really mean that etc etc.." can't be accepted by you at that point. He would only again be trying to prolong the torture for himself.

 

Personally, I would be picking 2 here. You need to get this sorted for yourself. It's pretty good of you to be considering his feelings at this point and all, but you also have to think of your own feelings too. The sooner you yourself get some closure on this the better for you to get over the relationship too.

 

Have a chat with him, and use the above as the basis for you stating that you want some space form the whole thing. You need time to get over the relationship too, and you feel that the friends thing simply is not working for you. He cannot argue with your wishes and feelings here - and if he does, then you will see his frantic attempt to change your mind, or perhaps calling you cruel and heartless. That one, you will need to take on the chin. It's a conversation that you will need to steer a certain way, and keep it going in that way. Your final goal is that you don't see him for at least a month or two. It's better for you both, and especially for him at this stage.

 

What dya think?

 

~

[SAMRA2]

hey guys u r just fabulous. seems ur experts in this! well, i will try to do as u said, keep off for a while, but i think i'll go gradual , like decreasing our outings and sometimes not answering his calls. i dont want to break him . he is really emotional. anyway, this was great advice!! i used to discredit the NC theory, but now i totally go for it. i sued to think that if 2 ppl break up, then they can still be friends sicne they have decided on this. but ho ho ho!! what a surprise. this is my first break up by the way. so excuse me on being a bot confused. am 20. anyway, thnx again, and i'll still like info comin in

[charmed]

Hey Samra,

 

OK - If that's the road you choose, then be very careful. You are choosing option 1, and be aware that if or when it does come to a head, it may well get nasty. Once you are prepared to deal with that, then I say brave move for you. He will cling on for dear life, and as soon as he senses you pushing him away just the slightest bit, he will start to get very worried, and will probably cling even harder.

 

Personally, I think you should really get rid of him now.

 

Hang on a second, ....., let me be straight up with you here!

 

This guy wants you, and wants to get back with you at probably any cost. Just being around you and in contact with you offers him a glimmer of hope. That hope, is what he is clinging onto. Even if you only see him once a week, and talk to him twice, he will cling onto those times of contact even more than if he was seeing you 4 times a week, and talking every day.

 

The whole no contact thing can actually work with some couples. But these couples can only be "2" people who are both totally OK with not being together as a couple, and not getting jealous when the other gets with someone else. You however, are not in this situation. You may well be fine about the whole thing, but he couldn't be further from it. He is one of the types of people where No Contact is the only way, otherwise it gets really really messy. The person who has to share the mess is you, and if you are willing to do that, then fire away. I personally couldn't do it. It's too much, and there is absolutely nothing to be gained for you, or him, by prolonging this breakup. He most likely sees this situation as being nearly as good as going out with you, except he doesn't get the physical contact aspect of the relationship. However, the physical contact aspect is not what he is after, it's the emotional contact, and that is exactly what you are offering him - emotional contact. So inside his head, the relationship is still to a certain extent, ON. !!! When you get with someone else, then he knows that aside from the physical contact having moved onto someone else, the emotional contact he has got is moving too, and then it kicks into him, and kicks in hard.

 

I think the hardest thing to do is to stop seeing him altogether, but this is also the best thing. Anything else, and you are just stringing him on, and inviting him to be clingy.

 

Samra, there is a big lesson about guys to be learnt here for you, and you can come out tops if you take the chance while you still have control of the situation. I think you are a bit chicken to do the hard and percieved "mean" thing, when in fact it is the best and kindest thing to do. Men don't allow their emotions to be seen much on this planet, and Dr. Phil doesn't help the situation either !!! (Yes they show that Psycho over here in Ireland too !!). When you come accross a guy like this, Overpossissve, overdependant, clingy, emotionally unstable, a break up is always going to be difficult. This is only because he doesn't understand how to deal with his feelings, and he also has other problems in his own mind concerning his emotions. A sharp kick into dealing with these problems is what he needs, and you can do that for him. Cruel to be kind, but it's better than stringing him along for the foreseeable future, and then him cracking up bigtime whenever that happens, and it will happen I assure you. It's just a question of what the catalyst will be. It could be you getting with someone else, or it could be you going out with your friends on a night out and him getting all overprotective because you have given him the hope that it could work. This is why a guy like him need no contact.

 

The funny thing is that I've been in his shoes, and I tried to get my ex to string me along. You would'nt think it by reading how clear my perspective on the whole thing is now. Howver, we don't talk anymore, infact, not since we broke up nearly 3 years ago. However, I do respect what she had to do, and I know it must have killed her to do it, but it was the only way it could work. Otherwise, I would have been as clingy as your ex is right now.

 

Anyway, I'm babbeling.

 

Samra, do yourself and him a favour. Choose option 2, and give him the space he needs from you, and you the space you need from him. It is best for everyone concerned. There is no known way to aviod the hurt of a breakup - it's just a natural progression. You can postpone it, but not aviod it. Let him get on with his life, and I think it's time for you to get on with yours too, ...., without him.

 

Sorry for insisting, but I truly believe it's the best thing and the bravest thing to do here. It's also the toughest for you, but I assure you, better than dealing with the obeseeive psycho you may possibly create out of the guy by stringing him along and then breaking his broken heart again when this finally comes to a head.

 

~

[mtastic]

Hi SAMRA2,

I was recently a very clingy ex myself in a similar situation to yours (You can check out some of my posts from may if you want some idead of what might be going through his head).

First off, I agree with everything charmed said. Here are some other things:

1.You mentioned you still go on "outings" with him, I would suggest stopping those altogeter for now he really needs time to be separated from you, and sometimes getting together can give him the wrong impression about you. Start making excuses like being busy or going out with other friends and whatnot, if he begins to see through these hopefully he will realize something is up and start to back off.

2.Also, make sure he is aware what he is doing is making you uncomfortable, either by telling him directly, giving him appropriate signs (my ex used to use the old "I gotta go now" when ever I tried to ask her out), or if you have any mutual friends get one of them to try and talk to him. If he does care about you he will eventually realize that he is hurting you and will try to back off.

3. If you talk to him on any kind of instant messenger, consider blocking him. This will send a strong message, but may incite a bad reaction. You might also want to try simply being unavailable i.e. have an away message up or don't go online as often, although this will impact you ability to chat with other friends.

4. If all else fails, No Contact does work. I eventually came to my senses enough to see what I was doing and decided if i stopped talking to her and let her contact me. Unfortunately its been over 2 months since we last talked, but I think it was for the best. I guarentee it will hurt him, but he will slowly get over the pain. I eventually decided that the best way to get over my pain was by trying to improve myself emotionally, hopefully he will too.

5. I know this is kind of long, but i just want add one more thing: you said both that this was your first breakup and that he was very emotiona. Am I to assume this was his frist breakup as well? Was he very emotional before your relationship? I only ask because this was my first breakup, and I wans't particularly emotiona before my relationship, but ihave noticed i'm much more so now. If this is his first break up you have to remember that these fellings are all probobly new to him, and he has to learn how to deal with them. You might try to refer him to this site (it has helped me immensly), although that might get tricky as he will probobly see your post, which could be either a good or bad thing.

 

I hope I've helped you and good luck.

mtastic

[mtastic]

By the way, feel free to PM me if you have questions or want to talk about it.