Don't love you, but...

[Keraron]

In general, what are the possible explanations when a girl tells a boy who pursues her "I don't love you" but tells her best friends that she does like him, including "he's the first guy I feel like being in a serious relationship with"?

[WockaWocka]

In what context did she say "I don't love you"? Was it said as "I will never love you" or more like "I don't love you yet, I'd need more time to get to know you."?? The latter seems more likely the case, but a lot depends on how long you've known each other and the context in which it was said--for example if you'd just told her you loved her and that was her response.

[Keraron]

The main thing is that I had just told her a very long bad story about a lover of hers.

 

The background is quite long to explain. In brief, I met her through this ex-lover/f-buddy of hers and we became intensely good friends. She often made clear that she wanted more from me but she moved abroad 5 months after we knew each other.

 

We still spoke every day and quite intensely, but never sexually (I have the idea of not going anywhere close to sex before the relationship is well established, so even if sometimes she tried to go in that direction I stopped it).

 

She invited me to her city and I stayed there for a week. One of the first things I did was to explain her that this lover of hers is a stalker and had access to her private data, and I added that I personally hate people like him for other things he used to do and say. I also said that I didn't tell all this time because I loved her, too.

She was crying like hell for 2 days and said that she doesn't love me.

 

While cleaning her computer from trojans, etc. I found out chatlogs in which she says to many people (including HIM) that she likes me and sees me as her future boyfriend, her future husband, etc.

[ny guy]

{message deleted}

[Keraron]

Message deleted? I guess someone insulted me...

 

Please understand that the background story is extremely complicated to explain and I always behaved in the best possible manner towards her.

[Keraron]

No more ideas?

 

Please....

[WockaWocka]

I think I remember your story from before, how her ex was spying on her through a trojan and how you were going to have to explain it to her. In this context--you telling her something bad about her bf/f-buddy--she obviously has to distrust your motives to a certain extent and wants to keep her distance. If she's telling other people she sees you as her BF, husband during this time then obviously that's good, but you have to remember it was an emotionally charged time for her, and it may have been easy for her to 'publicly' latch onto someone new.

 

But in any case the fact that you had access to her chat logs and actually read them is a little disturbing to me. I mean sure, I can see the temptation, but she just had her privacy violated by the other guy, did she need you snooping in her chat logs?

 

I guess the key Qs now are: how long has it been since you met up/told her about this guy, and what kinds of chats have you had since then? Keep in mind that she most likely confronted him, he denied everything, and you may look suspicious in her eyes for telling her bad stuff about him. Not fair but true.

[Keraron]

But in any case the fact that you had access to her chat logs and actually read them is a little disturbing to me. I mean sure, I can see the temptation, but she just had her privacy violated by the other guy, did she need you snooping in her chat logs?

That's why I said it's complicated to explain all here...

She was clearly emotionally charged while defending him, and said the following someone snoops around in my stuff it means he really loves me and cares for me!"[/b]

I was also emotionally charged as a consequence of her defensiveness, and took her words for granted, i.e. if she didn't mind that someone reads her private stuff, and if she sees it as an expression of love, then why not...?

Of course, I was very emotionally charged when I behaved that way.

Additionally, she always let me use her computer and her chat with the chatlogs on, i.e. I didn't need to do anything special except scroll upwards to actually read it.

 

I guess the key Qs now are: how long has it been since you met up/told her about this guy, and what kinds of chats have you had since then? Keep in mind that she most likely confronted him, he denied everything, and you may look suspicious in her eyes for telling her bad stuff about him. Not fair but true.

Well, after that brief confrontation, there was a second moment during which we spoke for 4 hours and after which she was really very close to me. I told her "Even if you don't love me I love you, and it's ok that we stay friends. I see friendship as the basis of love"

I told her all the things I felt, all my worries, anxieties, etc. during the period she was abroad, and she was closer, she stopped avoiding me, etc.

I was at her house for almost a week after the first confrontation, and I know they spoke afterwards, but she was also surprisingly positive towards me.

 

However, after I returned home I was less available, due to my own problems in other fields of life.