An inner battle with myself...

[guidedbylights]

I * was on Citalopram 20mg and 40mg for depression about 2 months ago - I was pretty bad back then and my medication didn't help at all, so I got changed to Fluoxetine - I'm now on 20mg of that twice a day, so 40mg I guess.

 

Fast forward to now and I feel different, like I understand how I feel more, but also much worse. I feel like I am fighting with a part of myself to be happy - one part of me is the person that feels sad and anxious for no reason, and the other part is the one that is normal and happy. That good part of me can see a future with my girlfriend, having a child and being a great family, and marrying my girlfriend with my little girl as bridesmaid...(excuse the detail

 

But then the other side of me sees a future of me moving away from everyone to a small flat/apartment - away from my family, friends and my girlfriend. Or perhaps suicide.

 

I feel really guilty too. I live with my sister, and when I'm having one of my bad days where I'm the *other* Chris, I walk up to my room, close my door and sit in darkness just on my laptop. Then I can be the nice Chris and chat to her, play with my 2 little nieces etc...

 

The main issue I have is that for the other, 'weird'

Chris to show, some small and minute issue triggers it. For example, my sister being a bit down and seeming a but angry, which I guess is a symptom of depression. But then I worry about things which I shouldn't even worry about - like when my girlfriend worries about something, like her driving test or the pain of getting a tattoo...I get worked up and the bad Chris shows, and I get resentful to myself and wish my girlfriend wouldn't do these things, which I know is absolutely pathetic but I just can't see sense...

 

I hope someone can relate to how I feel or give me a name for how I'm feeling because it's absolutely horrible...

 

Thanks to all who's read this *

[sonicfan287]

Hey,

 

I'm not sure how much help I can be, because I feel a similar way. In fact I'm having one of those bad days right now. I feel like I just don't want to be alive right now, I don't want to die but I want to disappear to somewhere for a while because right now if I talk to anyone, I'm just gonna bum them out, I'm not gonna be able to help or be any fun or do any work or anything. Other days I get very excited though, and suddenly seek out people actively. Much like you, there's often no reason for these changes or desires at all. I will admit I went through a bad breakup a couple months ago which has restarted this unfortunate phase for me. I'm on flouextine at the moment as well, and am hoping it will work. Sometimes I think it does but then I feel like this again. It gets worse when you feel like you're wasting time by feeling this way and then you keep beating yourself up about that.

 

For me at least though, there are times where I can fight the "negative" me, but it's very weird. It's almost like there's times where my subconscious lets me beat it, like there's a part of me that WANTS to be sad... I don't know if you can relate but I could relate to a lot of what you were saying. Im sick of it too though and wish I could get out of it and help everyone who's also feeling this way. All I can say is, when you do feel positivity returning to you, hold on to it for as long as you can. Try to "dwell" on the positivity instead of the negativity.

[guidedbylights]

Hey, thanks for the reply

 

It's good to hear from someone who knows how I feel. I'm just like you, I don't like being around others anymore because I get worried I'll make them down/bored/whatever.

 

I totally see what you mean about the fluoextine. I have days where it seems like it doesn't work, and some where it seems to have a massive effect on me.

 

I haven't been able to beat it temporarily yet, but I still have hope. Hope all goes well for you dude.